6 Signs You’re An Extroverted Introvert

extroverted introvert

If you’re an extroverted introvert like me, you know how confusing this is for people. Everyone expects an introvert to be shy and reclusive. And we can be, but extroverted introverts also like to get out there and mix ‘n mingle. When we’re “on”, we are sociable, and friendly. When we’re “off”, we hurry home to recharge in solitude.

Even though we spend way more time introverting than following the crowd, people only see our outgoing side. They don’t realize that our social batteries are drained very quickly.

Those who don’t know us well are puzzled by our behaviour. If they are around to see us go from fully charged, to depleted, they will usually think one of three things:

a) Something has happened to make us sad or mad, and it is their duty to fix things by commanding us to “smile”, and “stop being a party pooper”.

b) They think we hate them, or that they have deeply offended us in some way.

c) We are silently judging them and the verdict is not good.

It’s not just the people around us that are confused. We are just as perplexed by our own behaviour. We didn’t even know there was such a thing as an extroverted introvert. That’s why I’ve put together 6 signs that you are an extroverted introvert.

1. You need alone time before and after socializing.

Your social energy has an expiry date. Ample alone time before and after social spurts helps you to recharge. If you don’t have enough time to yourself between activities, you feel irritable, exhausted, and sometimes even depressed.

2. You are very selective with your social calendar.

You know that you only have so much energy for socializing. This is why you often take a long time deciding whether to go out or not. You are like a cat, not sure whether you want to stay in or go out.

3. You make new friendships easily, but have trouble maintaining them.

When you’re in social mode, you find it easy to make new friends. Maintaining those friendships is another story. You find it hard to disperse your energy between lots of people. You save your loyalty and love for a select group of true friends.

4. You want true connection. Small talk makes you sick.

You enjoy being with people, but not just any kind of socializing will do. You crave meaningful conversations, and true connection. Small talk without true connection leaves you feeling empty. When you deeply connect with another person, you feel rejuvenated.

5. You are quiet in a crowd.

Even though you like being around people, you don’t feel the need to talk the whole time. Often, you are happy to listen and observe. Or help the host with cleanup. This is especially true in group conversations, where you never quite know when to chime in. One-on-one conversations are more your forte.

6. You always have an escape plan.

One of your worst fears is being trapped at a party. You know that once your social batteries start to run low, you’ll want to get out of there ASAP. Sometimes you flee so fast it’s as if you’re leaving a crime scene. Luckily, needing alone time is not a crime (no matter what our extrovert obsessed society tells you).

Does this sound like you?

Are you an extroverted introvert?

What is the best or worst part about being an extroverted introvert?

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Share your insights below. 🙂

For more amazing introvert resources, subscribe to my mailing list. You’ll receive two FREE ebooks, an energy recharge email series, and my popular weekly newsletter.

Xo,

Michaela-Signature

 

 

P.S. The term “extroverted introverted” is not technically accurate. I would actually prefer “social introvert”; however I used “extroverted introvert” because it resonates deeply with a lot of people. You can read a more thorough definition of an introvert here.

 

223 Comments

  1. Yes! I sooo feel like that! Then I feel I have to explain myself to everyone and that’s so exhausting. It feels like you can never win because people can’t stand how we get close and back away. Even with explanations it doesn’t work for me. I get torn between needing company and loathing it! Lol thanks for making me feel sane!!!

    Jen

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    • I feel like this. I am a counselor and case manager. I feel like this a lot. I love deep conversations with others and it quickly goes there if I feel I have meaningful things in common with them. I am kind of shy at first but then open up once I kind of feel strongly about the subject or feel that I can relate and contribute something. I love absorbing thoughts ideas and challenges from others. I love trying to figure out motivations behind behaviors. I love to study and learn and put patterns together. I genuinely love people.

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      • Yes..well said.. I too am a therapist and psychiatric nurse… You have said it well.

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        • Lorraine Johnson
          I am a retired therapist and psych nurse. I tested patients and taught them about the Myers-Briggs Inventory. They loved it. I am an INFP and learned to Extrovert. I had to if I wanted my jobs. I don’t expect anyone to understand, except other introverts. I am enjoying retirement. I live in a small town and when I need people contact, I go to my happy places (businesses) and visit with friends. I have a large extended family and family events are exhausting. I have two extroverted sons and one introverted son. Studying Myers-Briggs has helped me in all relationships. It certainly helped me be a more effective and happier professional.

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          • The Myers bridge thing sounds intriguing to me. I’ve always been an extrovert, think of an empty dance floor,I can’t resist the pull of it and have always been that way, always a bit of a comedy act, I don’t suffer from shyness, I like to chat to strangers but I’m not very tolerant with people who behave like idiots.I’m choosy about who I want to be friends with, my friends are very important to me and I’m fiercely protective and faithful to people I love.
            When I was a student I worked as a stripper I’ve always been very confident.
            Unfortunately, after suffering from an illness which took a long time to recover from, I’ve become a complete recluse, I don’t know why, I think I felt I’d reached a point where I’d seen it and done it all. I also discovered an awful betrayal by somebody I really trusted without question, I find the two faced gossip thing incredibly confusing, I’ve always said what I liked and liked what I said and if somebody takes a dislike to me that’s OK to because I didn’t care what people thought.
            Now though, I analyse everything I say and do, it feels unbearable to me as it doesn’t fit right for me. It feels safer to stay inside. Some days I wonder if I’ll ever leave the house again, I hope so.

          • I know so well how it is to learn to be extrovert. I studied business and worked in hospitality a lot.
            As I enjoy interaction with people and customers in work I get out of charge often and need to recharge regularly in order to avoid my ‘evil twin’ to pop in.

            Most of my friends were suprised when I would mention I am introvert as I am very sociable and people often think I must be an extrovert.

      • “I” , “I”, “I”—every sentence starts with “I”!! You sound like an egotist.

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        • That sounds like a cruel thing to say about a stranger who you have never met.

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          • It is a cruel thing to say. Describing ones’ self requires first person responses. This sarcastic response is the sort of thing we extroverted introverts have to endure on a fairly frequent basis.

        • This article is about characteristics in ones own personality. So sorry you, Samantha, were not addressed personally by Jen.. Get over yourself! You sound like a pretty critical person. You should get that checked out. Is that enough ‘You’ for you??

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        • What pronoun would you have rather she used? She was talking about herself, hence the “I’s”. Back off!

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        • I don’t sense any expressed belief of being better, more important, more talented than others. That defines egotistical behavior.

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        • Samantha, I would be interested in hearing how you would label person who responded to you, a total stranger, I assume, in the way you responded to LoriA. This is a real question. What would you call that person?

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          • lol Samantha screwed up on this blog. Don’t mess with the INFP’s.

        • That was completely unnecessary Samantha. I could say a lot of unpleasant things about the way you sound, but such criticism is not necessary. If you don’t have anything positive to say, kindly please keep your thoughts to yourself.

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        • I never knew what this was, I never could figure out if I was one or the other, I never liked parties too much for the reasons I am an introvert. I like to go when I can and need to, i thought I was just claustrophobic of crowds, I think it is not having the one on one connection thing. What an eye opener. Alp day I am on at work and when i am done I really don’t want to go anywhere. Surprising. Thanks

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        • Im sure – but not positive – english was not her/his first language.

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      • I have a Masters in Clinical Psychology. I think my personality made me choose that field. I have those same feelings too. I always feel like I need solitude after some social encounters. I have accepted it and welcome the knowledge that I am not alone!

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        • I guess am an introvert but people usually mistake it as being too much of myself. I am a a chemistry teacher, confident when addressing people or expressing myself, but I just love ME time, even at home I sometimes escape from my son and husband into the a different room just for quietness, I hate small talks, worse noise from other people but I love my own music (sounds selfish) and dancing alone, I usually don’t start a conversation with a person unless the person does first. Feel of space in gatherings but sometimes push myself to dance a little (less than a minute) by a corner, I really hate NOISE up to you the point that I would feel like my blood pressure increases, I guess I might be having another condition (forgot the name) but it has to do with certain noises like some songs makes me so angry that I would pounce to switch them off, somebody chewing like a dog or drinking hot tea makes me sick, I completely loose appetite. Am not much onto social media, I only have 1 friend that I see once in 2 or 3 months, usually I go through social media to view comments and never comment, actually this is my first post!!!

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      • I, too am a therapist and share many of the same feelings. I hate making small talk, am awkward about breaking in to others conversations! I would much rather do one on one conversation; there seems to be more depth and getting to know someone. I bounce back and forth in socializing and isolating. My social battery dies easily, and I need to retreat! I re-energize by alone time reading, doing a crossword puzzle or surfing the net! Perhaps I am not so different after all!

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        • I agree. Reading your comments to this post made me feel more normal!

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      • Wow. You had me at “I genuinely love people.” I say that all of the time and have the same reactions to people and my interactions with them. I told my mom the other day, “Everybody has a story . I love sitting and listening to their stories and being able to see where they came from and how they arrived at who, what and where they are today. It is fascinating. Though, I must admit… I find myself being somewhat analytical and try to make sense of the chain of events. That’s the counselor in me (alcohol and drug counselor).” I am a very accepting and non-judgmental person, and people pick up on that and are very open.

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        • Yes! Finally an article and people who think and as I do. I love people and all they have to offer. I love to listen to them and chime in with substantial information. I just don’t like or appreciate mindless social interaction in large doses. I’m grateful that I know others feel the same. I’m not crazy after all.

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        • Wow …same here

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      • I am also a case manager / social worker .. And am I am very similar. I am extroverted at work / I can talk to anyone .. But when I get home I need my alone/ quiet time. People often get confused .. As when I am on, am very chatty, gregarious .. But I really need my down time. Often when I am in a crowd I am content to be quiet and observe what is going on. I also hate having to be social on my weekend/ evening time.

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      • I find this very interesting .. I am also a case manager/ social worker. At work I have to be outgoing to connect with people. I always say I will talk to anyone .. But I really need my down / quiet time. I think it can be confusing for people. I also hate small talk and social situations (outside of work). I get anxious about having to be social on the weekends. The few times I have had to be social, it was a huge failure, as I was out socialized and stayed on the Side of the room like a wallflower..

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      • I find myself too in what u wrote. I think the pb is..well..it’s not a pb, it’s more like a cause, at least from what i noticed at me, is that maybe we are too empathetic. Maybe we just give too much in our social moments. Maybe we care too much. Unfortunately i cant seem to find a best part in being an extroverted introvert. I think i’m too complicated. The worse part is, for ex i currently work for a corporation and i’ve been told that i should change my attitude. That i should smile more (all the time if possible) that i should be more of a a$$kisser, in other words. That sometimes i look very tired etc. I gotta admit this is a job which i do mostly for the money but still, i always invested 100% of my energy in doing something. I mean i try to give my best there. Maybe i should go for something which i really enjoy doing. But it’s not so easy. Advices anyone? Do u think this pb is related to the fact that i am an extroverted introvert?

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    • “people can’t stand how we get close and back away” VERY ACCURATE hahaha. Most of the time I’m like this for weird reason. It’s not really I hate them but… I’m just really tired on socializing at some points. I thought I’m the only one who experience this!

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      • So on point!

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    • Me too!! I tell my family and friends they are always welcome here, but that’s when I’m on my upswing. Then they show up out of the blue and it perturbs me because I’m on my downswing and don’t want my plans for a quiet night interrupted. I literally have to force myself to be jolly…ish. So I am right there with you Jen…..or well, while I’m here alone on my couch while my daughter naps. Ahhhh 🙂

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      • SAME!!! Haha, I do that all the time. And I’m like, what the heck is wrong with me? I told them they could come over any time and now I’m so annoyed! …Glad I’m not the only one.

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      • I do that all the time too. It’s so frustrating. I make plans and by the time it arrives I’m already drained. I love people and choose events to be around people and then I’m like !I HATE PEOPLE!

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    • Many of these points fit, but I do not consider myself to be either an extroverted introvert OR a social introvert. For me, it is an act and that act allows me to make “friends” easily. But, then the demands start–the calling just to “chat”, the invitations to “hang out”, “do” lunch, etc. Then, I back off. And shut down. This has been my pattern since early childhood, and I am now in my 6th decade having survived, somehow, the social demands of the business and academic world. So, maybe our circumstances make “extroverted introversion” or “social introversion” a survival technique…not for every introvert, but for some of us. And that technique becomes habit. Again, I’m not applying this to everyone who considers themselves to truly be a social introvert, but to perhaps those of us who have evolved a method to survive in an extroverted society.

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      • 100% I agree with you Janice. I CAN do it, be extroverted and social, but I’d rather not. And when I do, its as described in the article – I drain easily and get irritable when I can’t recharge in solitude. I think probably Extroverted and Introverted are personality traits on a spectrum, not Binary – so “Extroverted Introverts” are just closer to the centre than the far left. We might just be a bit more left than them!

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        • I agree with Introversion and extraversion being a spectrum. Interestingly I have called myself a social introvert. Gee, I thought I coined that phrase on my own!!! Maybe not, huh?
          I work as an activities director for a senior community and have done so for almost 7 years. I have shared with some of my “peops” that I consider myself an introvert and they look at me like I am crazy and tell me that I am most certainly NOT! They just don’t know that after doing my job all day, I go home, have dinner with my husband and retreat to my own bedroom to recharge so that i can go to work the next day and do it all over again. AND by the time Friday comes around I am exhausted from giving and giving and giving to others, being up and having to be entertaining (which I really don’t mind and even enjoy!) But during the day I HAVE to retreat to my office, close the door and email a friend and share my thoughts and feelings.. even for just a few minutes. That keeps me sane!
          It is nice to know that there are other people that are like me… extroverted introvert!!!
          Woo whoo!!!

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    • Yes that’s you … 🙂

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    • Jen
      Try not to give in to explain yourself
      Your sanity, peace is more important than to tell everyone why u are the waybu ate.

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    • My family has never understood this. My youngest son calls me a “snob” sometimes, they dob’t understand. They are like my husband.

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      • I’ve been told”You think you are better than I am.” at the time I’m usually trying to get away from everyone to “recharge” I’m just acting in my best interests not theirs, and they don’t like that.

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    • This certainly explains a lot of mystery about my feelings. I sincerely love people, and am considered an extrovert by most. Many of my dearest and closest friends are introverts, I think because they don’t over-tax me with social demands. I stay away from parties, am usually quiet in large groups, unless I know them really well. But I also have an escape plan ready in case I can’t stand small talk one moment longer. Just this Christmas I had one of the ugliest melt-downs ever ( of course, my husband was the only one who witnessed the scene ) because I didn’t have quiet/alone time before or after FOUR family holiday celebrations IN A ROW. I couldn’t figure out why I was so upset until I read this. Thank you very much for helping me understand myself.

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    • Found some people that understand how I feel out in social life. I do normally avoid many social events where we mainly talk because of what is mentioned up above. I hate that there are not more people who want one on one time and deeper conversations. I normally just keep to myself less I feel like I have something worth saying in the conversation.

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    • I so feel this so often, drives me crazy. I want and need friends, but then not, I love my alone time, then not. I plan everything carefully, I love getting ready for family to stay over holidays, then worry about everything. Getting out of the house, dining out with friends, drives to see family and friends is so much fun, a trip away…then it is time to go, and I want to stay home. I don’t, but I want to. So crazy.

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    • Yes, this describes me to a tee. Often people think I am mad or a snob. But I really hate large parties with lots of people and noisy background of often drunk yelling and jocularity. I also hate small talk. I thought I was lazy when it comes to maintaining friendships, because I tend to not keep up with them. They are lovely people, but I find I need downtime. I even need time to be alone when on vacation.

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    • I love this description. I always felt like a minor introvert rather than a true introvert because of my need for minir interactions. Great article.

      The best part to me is being comfortable going to events like concerts, movies, dinner alone. I love it. The worst is the anxiety that comes from over socialization.

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    • Yep. this is the most accurate description of my personality traits that I’ve heard described so far. I can completely relate to this . I spent years playing in rock bands. I would sit outside in the parking lot until it was time to perform and then as soon as the show was over I wanted to get the hell out of there. I hated the after parties. in a perfect world rock concerts would be held at 11 o’clock in the morning and be sponsored by a local coffee shops LOL.

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    • Im the type that does enjoy alone time. It feels spiritually rewarding. It’s like my soul sitting in a glimmering pull of water with a spectacular light show. That type of feeling. And i just sit around and have conversations about my purpose in life with myself while listening to music. Or convos about why people do what they do.

      Too much alone time makes me feel unloved. So then i reach out and try hard to be social. And people look at me wierd as if im transforming into an animal. I guess theyre freaked by me going socially “off” to “on.” I am charming and funny and easy going. Ive learned to be more subtle in how i show my outgoing side. Then when im “on” and i turn “off” people are probably like is that dude okay? I totally lose touch with reality and zone out a lot.

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    • This is an awesome article. I have friends and family members that do not understand that I NEED alone time in order to recharge. I like socializing, and my close friends that I trust would say that I am very talkative! But, yet, it drains me, and small talk….drains me even more. I am very uncomfortable being with people without feeling the need to keep conversation alive and to be sensitive to other being feelings (even when I am getting a massage or haircut), and then I feel zapped afterwards of energy. Thanks for the article!

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    • Being “Extro Intro” Is how I tend to make friends VERY quickly and lose them with the same rapidity. And when I’m not available with that same emotional intensity the next day, they don’t understand it, perhaps even feel like it was all false on my end? I don’t know. either way they feel hurt. I basically have to give all new friends a disclaimer on what they should expect from me. “No I’m not mad, no I’m not blowing you off, yes I still like you, and yes, sometimes I just need to hide in the bathroom and breath for a few minutes…. Maybe doing some yoga. Do you agree to these terms?”

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    • Wow! Do I ever relate this! I think you’ve totally nailed it. I’m glad to find out that this is a “thing” that other people experience as well.

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    • Social introverts like you rightly put it, love and enjoy people’s company to an extend. The most exhausting part is when people just assume you are anti-social, depressed, bipollar and whateverelse we are labelled! As normal as social introverts are sometimes it becomes an internal battle too!

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    • Yes! This is me exactly. I feel lonely when I am alone and feel exhausted and in need of alone time an hour after hanging out with a group of acquaintances (who think they are friends)….I an happy to know that I am not alone and sure feel more confident after reading this article

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    • U just reflected xactly wat i feel bout myself.. happy tht my kinda ppl exist

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    • Spot on! Thank you for that!

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    • I agree! Most of my friends don’t get it…. :'(

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    • Does this sound like you? Oh yes, absolutely!! I’m a Counseling Psychologist and this kind of awareness is just awesome!

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    • I recently moved out of state and met lots of new friends, including my next door neighbor. However, it got to the point where she wanted to come over everyday right after work! I work in customer service so after a day of dealing with people I generally like to retreat to my room or “cave” as my husband calls it! After a few times of not answering the door or having my husband tell her, “she just jumped in the shower!” She finally stopped coming over so much but now I feel like I’ve lost a potential good friend. However, I just can’t call someone or hangout everyday! It’s hard but it’s just how I’ve always been. I prefer to love people from afar and if you can handle not hearing from me for months then our relationship will last usually for years! Which is true with my only best friend but she gets me.

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  2. Item #3 really resonated with me. I’d never quite understood how I enjoy meeting new people (like welcoming new families to the neighborhood or church) but quickly feel guilty that I don’t make any effort beyond that to get to know them, preferring to interact in spurts over the next several years.

    Great information, Michaela! Thanks!

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  3. I think “extroverted introvert” is an incorrect way to label it. There’s a difference between enjoying being with people and getting energy from being with people. While all of the points describe me, I am by no means extroverted. I think it just further confuses what “introvert” and “extrovert” actually mean. I still have to correct people who know I’m an introvert when they say I’m “being extroverted” instead of saying I’m “talkative today,” vel cetera.

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    • I actually agree Kuri, but used the term because it is the buzz word on the Internet these days. I prefer the term “social introvert”.

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      • You took the preferred words right out of my mouth. “Social Introvert” I believe this was coined by Susan Cain in her book ” Quiet, In a world that can’t stop talking” if I’m not mistaken.

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      • I agree wholeheartedly with ‘social extrovert’ as a preferable term.
        It’s amazing how quickly these days a relevant and important concept can be reduced to a buzzword, and how the nature of that convenient term mutates through overuse and misapplication.

        I for one am happy to use a more descriptive term that captures the concept more elegantly!

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      • I prefer the term situational extrovert (which is how I explain it to people).

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        • i personally dont feel the need to do social stuff, i just feel that i should not always wear the clothing of an introvert, i feel like i should be seen doing normal socials, i really don’t care especially when its not fun. I think “social introverts” feel the need to be social for the worlds sake really not for theirs, while extreme introverts dont really care about looking social. Nevertheless i have mood swings i could be entirely outgoing for a moment, then, just then i take advantage of this mood to do social stuff.

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          • I don’t agree with the idea that “social introverts” are social for the world’s sake, not their own. I have friends and family that I like to be around. I am, after all, human and have the usual emotions of loving people and wanting to spend time with them.

            However, my time has a limit. I need to move back and spend time on my own, too. I don’t do the visiting as often as an extrovert might, and I don’t have a need to be around people I don’t know well. The crowd situation doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable as much as it simply tires me out.

            I am a confident introvert; I have no social anxieties or fears. I recognize what I need when I need it, whether it’s socializing or being alone. I think the baseline for introversion is simply that we need time alone more than we need time with others. Any phobias…like hiding when someone comes to the door or not being able to answer the phone…or anxieties have nothing to do with introversion. Those are entirely different things and are not caused by inborn introversion.

          • “feel the need to be social for the world’s sake.” This is exactly how I feel. I pretend that I don’t feel uncomfortable in normal situations because people wouldn’t understand my discomfort. I fake it!

        • Sounds like what I’ve heard referred to as an ambivert?

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      • I really think there’s much too much categorizing going on. Ambiverts are people who possess both qualities–and most people do. Sometimes I’m what one would call (and, again, I really dislike this categorization) a “roaring extrovert” but I do like my solitude at times and I can be quiet in a crowd. That’s just fatigue or introspection.

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        • I absolutely agree with everything you’ve just said Irene Ross. I socialize quite alot, but usually I fall asleep on someone’s couch before the night is over…pure exhaustion, nothing else…We all pretty much react in the same way before and after any social function. I seldomly need alone time, but when I do and I’m not getting it, I can become agressive…

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    • I prefer the term “Outgoing Introvert”. I am an “Extreme” introvert. But I enjoy being with people in limited amounts of time. I always manifested my introversion as being shy and quiet. Even extreme introverts require a little social interaction, but we DO need less than many others. I did get married (not sure how that happened), and my wife is an extrovert. I watched her being very social and in the past few years, I learned some of those social skills so that I could get the interaction I needed. I’m able to now interact freely, but as described in the article, need loads of time to recharge. I enjoyed everyone else’s comments in this thread. They are all true for the most part.

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    • This is perfect 🙂 Introvert/Extrovert has absolutely 0 to do with how social a person is. It has everything to do with how a person “recharges” their energy. Yes folks, primates (including humans) are a social species. All humans need social time, even introverts. The person who wrote this article is an introvert, but that doesn’t mean they don’t know how to have fun 🙂

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  4. This fits me exactly! My boyfriend is a total extrovert along with his family. We recently went to a BBQ at his moms that lasted all day with a bunch of his cousins and I was able to keep up with them for hours, seemed like eternity though. When nighttime hit, I was simply exhausted. I still enjoyed their company for the most part, but I just didn’t want to talk or mingle. I tried to help clean inside the house but there wasn’t much to clean. I tried to find something, anything to do where it’s quiet. People with kids left early and I thought, hm.. kids make a perfect excuse for leaving early. Horrible, I know. I really wanted to leave but didn’t want to bail while my bf was still having fun with his family. Everyone thought I was upset and standoffish. I had to later explain I wasn’t mad at all, and TRIED to explain why I just didn’t feel like talking. Their topics were interesting and I loved hearing them talk, I just didn’t feel like chiming in. It’s frustrating when people think you’re stuck up and too good to converse with everyone when it’s not like that at all. Anyway, that’s my most recent experience. Sorry so long. I read all of your emails and I love them. Thanks for being such an inspiration. 🙂

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    • You just described me at my own family reunions! Lol I am exactly that way. Once after a lengthy visit the night before, my mother-in-law called to say she thought she had offended me and wanted to apologize. She didn’t understand it when I told her I wasn’t offended at all, I was just thoughtful and quiet towards the end of the night. It’s who I am.

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  5. “Extroverted Introvert” is true on some level for me. I tend to be very verbose and talkative. I think I talk too much sometimes, think out loud, etc…which people associate with extroverts. But just the daily needs of life overwhelm me and I need a lot of downtime. I used to be more traditionally “introverted” when I was younger because I was less assertive, but also craved more stimulation. Now that I’m older, I want less stimulation, but I am more confident and express myself more. I am also quiet in groups of people larger than 3 or 4. But less than that…I can be a blabbermouth. I think that even in knowledgeable personality type circles, people still ascribe extroversion with number of words spoken, which I wonder if it is true….because I see a lot of people who don’t really seem to be into deep conversations and even hardly say anything, but seek high-stimulating activities like crowded concerts, crowded festivals, crowded bars. (hint: the presence of people drains me). If you get me in a coffee shop and bring up a great topic of conversation…I won’t shut up…but bring up sports…then you get radio silence.

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  6. This whole article resonates. But especially number five. People tell me that I’m too quiet.

    I might call myself a social introvert, rather than an extroverted introvert. But the whole still applies.

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  7. Items 3 thru 5 are me in a nutshell. 1, 2 and 6: not so much.

    I, too, take exception with the term “extraverted introvert”, although I understand it. “Extraverted” is describing the behaviour, “introvert” the personality trait. I think of myself as a social introvert who, after all these decades, still has not figured out how to start conversations but thoroughly enjoys participating in them.

    Reply
    • Easiest way to start a conversation is just smile and say hello. People are attracted to smiles, although I sometimes think folks with beards want to hide from contact, so perhaps a beard is a non verbal cue to others to just pass by?

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      • Way to use the internet to help people solve prmbleos!

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  8. Have all of these, guess I’m a classic lol and I am an enigma to those around me. And experienced ridicule, been pathologized – diagnosed as Aspergers…I could go on and on.

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  9. Michaela for me, 3 of the 6 apply: 1,2,6 most of the time. Then 3,4,5 are so so.

    3. I am selective about the people I make friends with, because I want keep them. Why or how? I invest a lot at the front in and in moving the relationship forward. But I’ve never felt the need to have hundreds of friends. Anytime my husband (ENTP) and I have a party we whittle his list of 300 down to an agreed list of about 50.
    4. Small talk for me has become solely a bridge to a more meaningful conversation. I have an intuition when it’s worthwhile to cross the bridge (move the conversation forward) or turn around ( let the small talk wither on its own.) It’s energizing either way.
    5. I often cannot help myself in a crowd. I remember one year at a networking event I was so excited about the giveaways, standing with 50+/- people many around me heard my chant, “let it be mine!” And I won the favored prize: a free hotel weekend with 2 dinners at surrounding restaurants.

    I think more I am an ambivert, regardless MBTI assesses me with as INTJ. They just don’t have ambivert in the results!

    On a daily basis, I might go either way: extroverted introvert or introverted extrovert.

    Reply
    • I’m also an INTJ. I’m a strong introvert and thinker. I’m a weak judger, so I’m close to a balance on the judger/perceiver scale, and so have some attributes of an INTP. IMO being “balanced” just means that one is not really very good at either function. On the other hand, I noticed that I’m flexible on the intuitor/sensor scale, meaning that I can use both functions very well and pretty much at will.

      IMO the MBTI could be missing the flexibility to easily move between functions and an Ambivert would be someone with the flexibility to easily move between introversion and extraversion at will.

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  10. Yes. Not so much 3 and 5, though. I certainly do not find it easy to meet new people, because of 4, but I understand the “not easy to maintain” part. In group communication I tend to talk extensively, because that way I control the topic, depth, and length of the conversation. That way I prevent small talk from happening.

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  11. I sure wish I had come upon this site of yours a long time ago.
    I’ve always felt out of sorts with others. Now I finally know why I am the way I am. The way in which you describe introverts, now, makes so much sense.
    It has enabled me to tell others why socializing sucks the life out of me and that I need more downtime than others. Which makes it easier for me not to offend anyone. It is all good!!!!

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    • Totally agree with you. It has always been tirng to explain to people around why am i like this. Feel better, though, that i am not the only one 🙂

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  12. One of the worst aspect of being an introvert… people not really understanding, thinking something is “wrong” with me or judging me for being quiet or “anti-social.” A day-to-day challenge is being with my kids 24/7 and not getting cranky because I have to talk talk talk and take care of every single thing.

    One of the best things… hm… it’s easier to come up with something negative! I suppose one of the best aspects is knowing my life is technically simplified – I’m not driving myself crazy running lots of errands, trying to maintain a million friendships, going to parties, etc. I like being a homebody… and it certainly saves money. 🙂

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    • The label “anti-social” is one of the most unfortunate ways society misrepresents introverts. The actual meaning of “anti-social” depends on which psychologist you talk to, but an anti-social person is either similar to a sociopath or the term is a synonym for sociopath. I’ve seen it both ways and seen people debate the issue.

      An anti-social person can be outgoing, charming, and charismatic, easily meets new “friends” and gains their confidence, and then stabs them in the back and discard them when they are no longer useful.

      I highly doubt you are anti-social.

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  13. Oh my god this is so me. It really is like a battle to be social with people who I don’t feel like talking to . Even though I do volunteer my time with the Master Gardeners it does drain the living hell out of me and I just sit for an hour trying to come down for social interaction

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  14. Yeah that sounds a good deal like me too!
    And it’s good because it’s a bit of both – well I think so…
    I know it’s hard for others to understand. Especially those extremes of one or the other. But we’re all people and all of us are valuable.
    No one is comparable to another… and it’s good!
    Apparently this is aka “Omnivert: being an extroverted introvert”… the best of both worlds

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  15. Hi Michaela …. Personally, I think you are describing the highly sensitive person who is an Extravert. There is much confusion about the HSP Extravert — a minority within a minority … that is, 15-20% of the HSP population are introverts, yet 30% of that 15-20% are Extraverts. Yet, we are not extraverts in the unfortunate way that has been stereotyped about extraverts in general. We can and do get our energy renewed by being “out” in the world — however, for it to be energizing and/or nurturing, it has to be “novel” stimulation , chosen by us …. And even if we do enjoy our “novel time out in the world” we are often drained when we return home and in need of down time to process or better yet — a Nap !

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  16. I connect with all these, especially 2, 5, and 6. I’ve even taken no. 6 to the extreme of arranging for someone to call me at a precise time so that I can do the “I gotta take this” and after the call make the appropriate apologies and leave. I test out at INFP with the “I” off the chart, and never can seem to get completely recharged

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  17. This describes the current me very well, although the first 25 years were all classic introvert.
    The social addition to my introversion was a very specific period in my life wherein I had a job for several years that required me to instigate and sustain training conversations with strangers in their own homes for up to hours at a time.
    I’m wondering if others of this ‘social introvert’ club have a similar history of;
    -introvert by nature
    -socializer by nurture (or by practice under duress)

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    • I think of it more as a social introvert, as the energy challenges are the same as any other introvert.

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      • One thing I would add for myself us that I almost always get nervous or dread social situations but then sometimes once I get there and am mingling I actually have a good time. I’m still ready to be done after a certain point though.

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  18. As I age (and I’m 50 now), I’ve become comfortable with being an introvert … so this new confidence is public sometimes and looks like I’m an introvert. The danger is that I’ve had situations that my energy levels plummet very fast … sorta like the more energy you put out as an extrovert in a social situation, the faster you’ll need to recharge. Also the drop of energy levels isn’t gradual but is exponential to your efforts; trying harder to be an extrovert causes a faster crash later on. Am I some sort of FREAK? 🙂

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    • I agree with you. I have had sudden plummets after being highly extroverted. It comes without warning & confuses the people around me. They ask what’s wrong, if I’m mad, if I’m sick,… etc. At first I was also confused and thought something was wrong with me, but I know now not to get carried away with the excitement.

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  19. Hi Michaela

    Your definition of an extroverted introvert fairly much describes me perfectly. I am a very good conversationalist and negotiator, having studied the greats such as Sir Winston Churchill and Lord Sir Alec Douglas-Home as I am English. However, I definitely need to recharge my batteries as it were after a social interaction which on many occasions leaves me feeling very drained. The value you give to your mailing list fans such as myself I believe is priceless as I have never learnt so much before about what it is like to be an introvert. I can only wish you the greatest of continued success in your work with introverts. Toodles, Andrew

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  20. I don’t consider the term “extraverted introvert” to make any sense. Buzzwords created by the media and social media are usually created by people with an agenda, or in the case of “extraverted introvert,” people who are ignorant of the topic. It just furthers the stereotypes associated with introversion and extraversion.

    To simplify things, there are at least 3 continuums which a person can fall on in relation to the issues discussed here. I’m sure there are more, such as high sensitivity vs low sensitivity, but I’m not very familiar with that.

    One is introversion vs extraversion. Another is whether a person is reserved vs outgoing. The third is whether a person is shy or not. A person can be introverted or extraverted and be either outgoing or reserved and shy or not. Society sees introversion, being reserved, and being shy as the same thing. A person, however, can be introverted and outgoing. What many don’t realize is that a person can be outgoing and shy at the same time.

    Personally, I’m very introverted, and also reserved and somewhat shy, probably about the average level for the adult population in the USA.

    Most people hide their shyness, even from themselves, with the systems and networks they join. Take them out of these and they’ll usually be as shy as the people they consider shy. Tony Robbins used to do an exercise (after some training) where he’d drop off seminar participants in the city without their wallets, ID, or money, and they’d have to use their communication skills to get money, food, a job offer, and transportation back to the seminar. A person without shyness could easily accomplish such a task if he didn’t do things to get people mad at him or scare them. I doubt even 10% of the adult population in the US, including most outgoing “non-shy” extraverts, could do this.

    As to whether these attributes apply to me, 1 & 2 pretty much, 3 no, not unless “friendship” is defined as shallow acquaintanceship, although at times I have made friendships almost instantly that lasted for years. 4, not really. I like deeper conversations and hate small talk but it doesn’t make me sick, just really bored. 5 really depends on the crowd and the discussion. If I know the crowd and/or the topic I’ll be very active or even dominant at times. That was especially true in class discussions in college. 6, not really. I’ll leave when I want to without needing a plan. The only time this is really applicable is if there is an external factor to take into account such as transportation or parking.

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  21. I absolutely love this article. I am such an extroverted introvert – no one believes me when I tell them I am an introvert. “You make new friendships easily but have trouble maintaining them” – this is me down to a T! If only I’d have known all this as a teenager growing up!

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  22. You truly got me with that thing. I am extremely depressed right now because of several circumstances one thing is that a person who I trusted so much and loved as bestfriend turned out that he will break it and I hate myself that I regret the day we met each other.

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  23. Does anyone else ever get sad that they didn’t get invited to a party they wouldn’t want to attend anyway? I guess that’s what they call neurotic, eh? LOL! It’s like, I hate, hate, hate party situations yet if I hear a friend is having one or worse, HAD one, and I wasn’t invited, I can spend inordinate amounts of time feeling sad and neglected by said “friend.”

    I have an easy rapport with most people, have gotten numerous phone numbers, intending to call them…and then never do. I long for human connection, but not just “any” connection. I want meaningful conversation, and when I get a taste of it, even if it’s with a cashier at the grocery store, I can find myself still chatting with them as I am walking away from the counter. Then I spend a fair amount of time thinking “How pathetic are you? Trying to have a meaningful convo in that situation when there might be a better chance of same at those “parties” I am so loathe to attend. (Not that they come around that often).

    My experience at parties follows a certain specific pattern: I find someone with whom to chat, and I think we’re having a nice convo, then they either get up to get a drink or food or whatever, and they never come back. I then see them chatting with someone across the room and feel once again like a pathetic loser, like I really should have just stayed home to watch Netflix.

    Which is what I do, most of the time. And it is alarmingly, frighteningly, amazingly difficult to meet someone special when you stay holed up in your apartment week after week, year after year.

    Yet I cannot get away from the notion that it is better to be lonely by myself than to be lonely with someone sitting or sleeping right next to me. I just cannot accept the terms that others seem willing to accept. (To have a bf/gf at any cost—even if that person doesn’t provide ANY emotional support.)

    Can’t do it.

    Won’t do it.

    End up consoling myself with the sure knowledge: EVERYONE dies alone.

    Then I pray when I do, I die in my sleep, just the same. 😉

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  24. I relate way too much with this article- As much as I like small-talk, I prefer more deep conversations, but I can never get to them. What makes it worse is that whenever I try to talk “like everyone else does” in order to fit in a conversation, I end up being awkward!
    Thanks for making this website, I feel a little better now.

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  25. This post is so accurate and relatable to me. I love how you’ve paced the content of the post and made everything really direct and to the point. Summarizing your points makes this such a great read. I’ve let my own friends read my blog about being an introvert and they always come back with the comment, “But you don’t sound really shy in this posts.”
    The section about having an escape plan at parties is something I do every time I’m invited somewhere so I’m glad I’m not the only one who functions this way.
    Love the blog!

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  26. “Ambivert”

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  27. This article is me in a nut shell. I am a nice person and people like being around me and enjoy my company, but I find it hard for me to explain that I would rather not be in those situations all the time without someone assuming something is wrong. Just because people get along with me well doesn’t mean I want to be in and around groups of people 24/7.

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  28. No…i don’t quite agree with having any difficulty in maintaining friendships though cuz…introverts make friends for a lifetime.

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  29. I usually say (and feel) that I AM not social, I DO social. And over the years I have gotten quiet good at it. Even to the point where I now see a lot of extroverts being very lousy at socialising. I think it’s because they didn’t have to learn it from scratch. I really had to push myself to be social and it took almost 30 years before I got the hang of it. It was a very conscious thing to me. It still feels like acting but it’s beginning to feel a bit more like a “second nature”.

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  30. Very true…. i’m introvert, i always need alone time much than “with people”. I love calm and harmony situation. But, my biggest trouble in my life is to maintain friendship, i don’t have many friends, and i love my bestfriends for 5 years . And little-by-little seems like “it’s over” when we go to different college… i’m so sad and miss them all, until now.

    everything has changed, and i still walk alone.

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  31. Number 3 is not me. I am not so easily make a friend but i don’t have any trouble to maintain them because i choose my friend based on their loyalty to me and of course i also loyal to them. I will never socialize to anybody even after years if i don’t see anything from them like what they did to their friend or are they easily bored with my conversation or just based on my instinct (usually match with their personality though) but after i become their friend it’s not so easily to break apart.

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  32. Number 3 is not me. I am not so easily make a friend but i don’t have any trouble maintain them. It’s because i choose my friend based on their loyalty to me and of course i also loyal to them. I even don’t make any friend even after years i know their name just because my instinct tell me to never approach them (usually match their personality though). But if i make a friend with them i will never break my friendship with them even if they betray me.

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  33. Michaela,

    Thank you. I posted this on facebook and got into a great conversation with an old friend from grade school about it. We both feel like you described us perfectly and are a bit shocked at how nice it feels to know about ourselves without having a list of fixes attached: you must be and do this or that, and take these medications. Reading this feels like having a headache I didn’t know I had has gone away. I love people but I love my me time so much too, and people think I’m weird for being happy to go home alone after having a night out.

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    • Hi Clarke, thanks for sharing my article. So happy it made your metaphorical headache go away! I know exactly how that feels. 🙂 xo

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  34. I identify with all 6 of these.
    1. You need alone time before and after socializing. (I think I need about 3 or 4 alone hours for every one hour of social time).
    2. You are very selective with your social calendar.(This is one reason why December really sucks…too many parties and social obligations…by which I mean more than one and possibly back to back.)
    3. You make new friendships easily, but have trouble maintaining them. (I have never had trouble talking to strangers and meeting new people if I wanted to. But building an initial meeting into a lasting or mutual friendship has never been easy. I never seem to want it enough and only want it if it allows me to maintain my freedom and space.)
    4. You want true connection. Small talk makes you sick. (I have been married for 24 years and always thought I would someday have a meaningful conversation with my wife’s sisters. I’m still waiting. So sick of hearing about vacations!)
    5. You are quiet in a crowd. (My entire life I have always tended to shutdown in a big crowd. I also know that I have always sought to get away from large groups of people.)
    6. You always have an escape plan.(My wife started suggesting many Christmases ago that I drive separately so that I could escape her family if they became too much or I just got drained.)

    Thanks for these articles Michaela!

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  35. Most of these ring true with me, and I’m an RN! Try forming a short term, thoughtful relationship in 15 seconds. It’s that initial meeting that determines whether you will be an effective caregiver, educator or advocate for your patients. It sucked the life out of me for 20+ years. I literally thought I had some bizarre, un-diagnosed disease because I was sick all the time. Now that I work as a Research Nurse with co-workers who are always deep in thought, my whole life is peaceful. My husband is the same way so there is never any exhaustive explaining 😉

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  36. This is totally me. I hate going out, because something ALWAYS happens to make me regret it.

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  37. Oh my Lawd! This is so me!!!

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  38. I suffer from anxiety. I work in an office where I am the sole employee and when more than two people are in my office at one time I can feel a panic attack coming on and I have to talk myself down. I avoid going to the store, I hate to get very far from the front door (I guess in case I need to make a fast escape Ha HA) however, I MAKE myself do it. I have met so many wonderful people that I wouldn’t have otherwise if I did what my head is telling me to do which is to hide and stay under the covers and don’t go out into the world. Yes, it’s that bad. Once I was stuck in the house for 6 weeks years ago. I chose to work with and through it. I enjoy my job and I ENJOY people and making people laugh and smile. However, they scare me. I just take each day as a gift and thank god for each day as I fall asleep at night.

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    • Well said, Ginger! Thanks for sharing that. 🙂

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  39. I can’t think of anyone who doesn’t need some amount of alone time or down time. People have different levels of interest and tolerance in all aspects of life and no two are identical. Whether you are in the mood to socialize or not depends on more than personality and a person’s “personality” can have any mix of traits. Life is not black and white, it’s a messy kaleidoscope. People are complicated, and it’s okay not to define yourself as a certain type of personality. So if you don’t seem to “fit the mold” it’s okay, because the molds don’t really exist. Why can’t we just be respectful of other people having various needs and boundaries and stop judging and labeling and forming cliques.

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  40. There’s no such thing. An extroverted introvert because people are mislead about introversion (as this author is also doing). Correct others when they interpret introversion as shyness, it is NOT. Introversion is how one re-energizes, not how one socializes. There are more introverts than you are led to believe.

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  41. 1, 3, 4 & 5 are very true!

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  42. Sooooo me. People always think I’m super outgoing and surprised when I say that I really am not! And small talk – I abhor it.
    I also have a lot of anxiety when in large groups of people or at parties. It does drain me and I have to go home and be in a quiet room by myself. Thank goodness my spouse is the same.

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  43. Thank you for this. Anything to help others understand us as we have learned to understand ourselves is a good thing. I’m tired of being misjudged by those who seek not to understand others (as in Covey’s 7 tips).

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  44. The thing i hate about being an extroverted introvert is group conversations. I always feel like noone cares what i have to say and that if i do say it, it’ll kill the conversation. I usually end up waiting too long to speak and the topic has changed.

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  45. This is why I like to drive a taxi on Saturday nights. I can get into the deepest conversations with people, or party along with them or what ever and then 10 minutes later they are gone and I’m picking up a new party/conversation/rant…love it! People think it is sad that this is my social life but it is what I like.

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  46. Hmmm…looking at June’s theory of type. Interversion is simply receiving energy from your internal world and extroversion receives energy from their external world most of the time. Meaning we all need both to live a balanced life of course but it what you prefer most. My daughter is most definitely an introvert receiving her energy internally but certainly is not shy. In fact some of the worlds greatest leaders and actors are introverts. Being an introvert has very little to do with being confident or a good communicator but has more to do with battery recharge. To say that your both just because you have spurts of social fun and enjoy meeting people on the odd occasion is not a reason to think you your extraversion. I’m an extrovert as my energy is received externally most of the time however I have times of shyness (lack of confidence) or even quietness which is very normal for a balanced life.

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    • Interesting article. IMO I think the “Outgoing Introvert” is really the Extravert Highly Sensitive Person. I’ve found many of the current articles about Introversion on social media are actually talking about the trait of SPS – Sensory Processing Sensitivity, including that 30% of the 15-20% of HSPs who are Extraverts.
      At the same time, I think it is also important, and a bit confusing, that not ALL Introverts are HSPs, and not ALL Introverts are alike.
      In Scott Barry Kaufman’s quiz “What Kind of Introvert Are you? I come out as a: ” Thinking Introvert” (because of my Depth of Processing as an HSP) and a Social Introvert (most likely because as an HSP Extravert, I can and do recharge from the external world (when the activity is carefully chosen by me) AND — I also need to recharge in solitude.) Kind of sounds like an Ambivert.
      … Yet from a Myers Briggs perspective and knowledge base (20 years as a certified professional and a Licensed Professional Counselor) I am an Extravert with a well developed (and necessary) introvert side because of my HSP trait. It is also important to note that the Myers Briggs does NOT test nor indicate the trait of High Sensitivity (SPS) which is why so many HSPs who take the Myers Briggs with me can find themselves with a low score on either the Introvert or Extrovert side.
      I do think it is helpful to determine an accurate Myers Briggs type which helps us better create an accurate HSP Self Care/Nurture plan …. and .. to learn about Carl Jung’s full type development — which encourages us to use all parts of our personality (E/I – S/N – T/F – J/P in service to our Authentic Selves. For example — “small talk” does not make me sick — I don’t really enjoy it, but I can tolerate it for the sake of my work and empathy for others. I have also found that “small talk” becomes natural with the HSP, Extravert OR Introvert AFTER we have had an opportunity to “go deep” first … I see this happening over and over at the HSP Gathering Retreats (since 2001.)

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  47. Moat of these I can relate too. However I find that I am more extroverted with those I know very well and/or love (seems obvious, right?). I can stay out longer with them and don’t mind seeing them late at night AND early in the morning. If it’s people that I am getting to know, I need a break after around 4 hours. And I also get the “is she alright?” thing from them. I’ve been told by some that they thought that I was stuck up until they got to know me. Sigh…

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  48. I feel like both, depends on how i feel that day, if i wanna be around with people or not, my moods change day to day.

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  49. I feel like th to ! I offten have no energy for meeting people… i do need some friends and i indeed get lots of livefors food of a deeply going conforcation… groups of people i like but they can ware me douwn… and big warehouses, they are a disaster for me ! as all electro smog also is….

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  50. I completely identify with all the points you made. Great article! However, I think the term “extroverted introvert” does a disservice to extroverts. You spent time saying that being shy, quiet and reserve is how introverts are perceived (our stereotype), and then explain that we aren’t all like that. But then you use the term “extroverted” to describe our behavior as being contrary to the common perception. By doing so, you are now stereotyping extroverts as being outgoing, loud, etc, everything that the stereotypical introvert is not. I prefer “outgoing introvert” as a term to show the departure from the stereotype. Or perhaps as I saw in the comments, “social introvert”. My wife is an extrovert and she likes to curl up with a book on occasion and spend some time alone. Of course that comes in limited quantities as she will get bored after a while and have to be with people again. Just like I love to socialize occasionally, but will require some real solitude to recover. But again, great article!

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  51. No. No to all of this. This is messing up the terminology, unless this is a joke.. ? You are describing a normal healthy introvert. Please look into actual Myers-Briggs.. it’s clearly being misunderstood. No one is an extreme.

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  52. This article makes sense. I often want my friends not to be offended when I drop off of the face of the earth. I am genuine when interacting but don’t want to interact with someone everyday. I have a deep friendship who is also an extroverted introvert. We understand each other and there is no judgement whether we talk or don’t talk. I truly value my dear friend who gets me and I get her. It’s great to know I’m not a weirdo and there are plenty of other just like me : )

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  53. Hmm not sure I suffer from social anxiety and love being with people but also like to spend time on my own. I get on better with people I know well and am quiet in a crowd. I do not see the point in making small talk I speak when I have something to say. I do not plan escapes but would leave if I felt very uncomfortable but most of the time I just bide my time. There are times I need alone time but I can not say that this is before and after a social event. Sometimes I just need thinking time.

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  54. Thank goodness I have finally been identified and explained! I don’t care what it is called but this describes me perfectly!

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  55. Unfortunately, I am curious to learn about people and have loved being a mental health counselor; however, am a serious type person who can be very social and outgoing…..but find my own intelligence and thinking to be highly stimulating…. get board with people who do not care and/or value the things I do. Predictive follower type people are not that interesting. Once you give them some attention, they just become more and more interested in themselves and I am to pay my attention to them…. They really do not show a real interest to me or anything outside of themselves. It is so wonderful to be 74 and not play any more games.

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  56. Haha, yes. I have an extroverted best friend who sometimes doesn’t understand me. I always tell her I need to recharge and be alone! It is the same way at work; there are days I can talk for hours then there are days I’m just quiet and in my thoughts and just to myself and they always ask.. Are you ok Maricarmen. Yeah I’m fine.. Just leave me alone.. Thank you. But I still love y’all.

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  57. Are you KIDDING me, I was beginning to think therapy was my next step! I had NO idea this would describe me to a T! I was actually concerned at how impatient and anxious I got in crowds and how much I crave solitude!

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  58. I know I am an extrovert; however, I have a few family members that fit this extroverted introvert category. Thank you for posting as I have been seeking further information in an effort to understand and empathize with how they feel. I have made efforts to accommodate their need for “downtime” even though it seems to me to be such a large amount of time. I have definitely experienced the feeling that they are very angry at me, when they are silent for so long, even though they probably aren’t. I have two questions for you though. Do you feel that you would prefer to be more extroverted or not? Do you feel you have any control as to how quickly you get this feeling of depletion? I watch these family members that I know and can’t help but think that they are so talented but because they require so much downtime, their end result seems fairly unproductive. One of them used to earn a very nice living but is now only able to work at a low level job which she is overqualified for. She has expressed to me that her new lower standard of living doesn’t make her happy. I understand that their downtime makes them happy, and in the case of the younger family member, I find it to be a great time for creativity I just wonder if there is a way to help them find a decent career path that makes them happy and fits their potential. My first thought is to research ways to help decrease the need for so much downtime but I wondered what some of your opinions are.

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  59. Omg this is so me and I have always told people that am an introvert but they don’t belive me because am so bubbly and I have soo many friends and I easily start conversation with strangers. But then I got a week without going to parties because I would much rather spend time on my own watching movies. Even mt mum gets confused about my behaviour. And recently my flatmate just confronted me because she thought I was upset with her as I wasn’t hanging out with her as much and I had to explain myself to her… *sign* it’s so frustrating. .lol

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  60. My husband and I go out to dinner with friends once a month and I am always the first one ready to call it a night. It’s like all of a sudden I’m ready to go home. I give my husband a nudge and he’s knows exactly what it means. I can’t wait to get home and delve into a crossword puzzle or sudoku. At work while the other ladies gather for lunch I leave and go out to eat so I can sit in solitude and read the newspaper. At the end of the hour I feel refreshed and able to finish my work day. When we get invitations to wedding receptions I always want to go but when it comes right down to it I would rather stay home and watch a movie with my husband. That’s So me.

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  61. So glad to see I’m not the only one as an “Extroverted Introvert”. My exits tend to be quick and somewhat clumsy which leads to individuals being offended. One thing I’d like to know if others have is the hate of saying goodbye. It’s probably related to needing to exit asap, but I sometimes tend to not say goodbye esp. if I see the person regularly.

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  62. I have recently been learning more about girls/women with ASD …(also have 2 boys with ASD)…this introvert/extrovert is SO my entire family!People think im outgoing,so when i say im shy they think im kidding.I have to be at a party early(hate walking in to a crowd)…and half way through i can suddenly be like ..”i have to leave.NOW!”I much prefer being “useful” at gatherings…washing up/playing with the kids.Totally dont get small talk…its exhausting.I often cancel going somewhere at the last minute because i cant face it.Even fun things can be a real challenge.I could sleep for days after.Thanks for this.Im not alone!!! 🙂

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  63. I discovered this about myself in 1977! I went for an interview and was asked “Are you an extrovert or an introvert” and to the interviewer’s consternation, I replied. “I am an extrovert because I am an introvert”… Being an extrovert is a great cover but I always need my personal space…

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  64. SOUNDS LIKE ME, BUT WE ARE INTROVERTED TYPES THAT LEARNED TO ACT EXTROVERTED, AND BECAUSE OF THAT WE NEED TO REGROUP. Our society does not accept to easy to work with introverted people, so we were forced to learn to behave social. This means we were able to adapt.

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  65. Yep, all 6 apply to me. Also true that I was thinking myself that something is wrong with me. I hate concerts. I dread them. Insane crowd, loud music … so I never go. Huge loud parties – nope. Don’t like them either. Very extroverted people get on my nerves especially when they need constant interaction. When I end up withdrawing because I’ve had enough and need some time alone – they think that I’m either weird or depressed or don’t like them anymore. It’s terrible. It seems that I do attract extroverts so my life is a constant battle between keeping friends and having alone time.

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  66. This article totally explains me. I wasn’t this way in my early 20’s, I was the “event planner” for my group of firends, but now at 42 and after teaching for 15 years, I have become an extroverted introvert. I am an elementary school teacher and have to be “on” all day. I have kids around me asking questions, needing my help in every manner you can think of. I typically have anywhere from 10-15 students that like to hang out in my classroom at lunch as well. There are days that I have to say no to them so that I can have some peace and quiet for 40 minutes before I’m “on” again. they don’t understand when I tell them no. So, I simply state, “that I love them and want them to be able to hang out in my classroom, but some days I just need a break”. For the most part they get it. The worst part for me about being in this profession and being an extroverted introvert, is having my own kids at home. By the time my day actually ends and I open the door to my house, it’s about 5:00 and I am completely spent, with no gas left in the tank. I feel awful telling my kids that I need a few minutes to myself before they tell me about their day or ask questions. My husband totally gets it and all I have to say to him is “I need a break”. I also avoid social situations to a degree. I get excited to plan outings with friends, but when the day actually arrives, I would rather just sit at home in my PJ’s and watch a movie. I also find that I am a lot more nervous in social settings, especially when it involves people I don’t know. Thanks for writing this article. It explains a lot about me.

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  67. Introverts are great people and thi kers. They are needed in society and the business world. Introversion is perceived as a “bad” thing, however we make the world work. Many studies have shown the value of introverts. It’s great to have a better understanding of ourselves and others. I highly recommend the book Quiet. It validates introverts for their exceptional qualities.

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  68. This article describes me completely, and while i dont know if that is a good thing, im just so thrilled to discover that i’m not alone in this.
    For so long i felt there was something wrong with me. I couldn’t keep friends because i didn’t have the energy to host them or hangout whenever they wanted. I always preferred my space, my time and my own company and they just couldn’t understand that.
    And in a crowded place, i would rather just listen and make mental notes, and speak only when spoken to. At some point i felt it was an inferiority issue but now i see its just my personality.
    Phew

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  69. This is me. I truly hate small talk. It does make me sick literally. I hate baby, bridal showers or most things of this nature due to the fact I don’t really want to talk. I feel forced. Always looking for a way to get out of them. But I love to talk to my friends or even a stranger if it’s going to be meaningful. If I don’t have something useful to do why am I there? However I love learning. I’m surprised how many times I’ve been wrong about something or someone and want to know more. Want to know what makes everything tick. But still rely on my intuition. Sometimes I feel I missing out on not being more extrovert. But I love who I am at the same time. It’s all okay.

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  70. This truly describes me,when I’m quiet,people think I’m mad at them or having mood swings…i’m really a social introvert!

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  71. I love being by myself… the problem arises when I don’t want to be around those I care about… I have no problem being around a lot of people but small talk doesn’t do much for me. If anyone can make me laugh, I’m all in! Not for long though as yes, I am looking for a way out… Ahh to be alone, with loud music! It regenerates me.

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  72. Unfortunately, this new buzz word “extroverted introvert” can only confuse the already confused public. I have taken the Myers Briggs test twice – ten years apart – and was a strong ISTJ on both occasions. We are who we are…and we don’t change. This is not the bad news!

    Surprising to many, I was a professional moderator with physician groups for 15+ years…which means that I am extremely engaging and blessed with strong communication skills. I am not shy, nor do I feel uncomfortable or inferior with crowds.

    However, since I can ONLY acquire energy by being alone with wonderful and soothing quiet, there is absolutely nothing “extroverted” about me. And that’s because this “extrovert vs introvert” stuff has nothing to do with how “chatty” or “engaging” we are – and everything to do with WHERE we get our energy.

    Bottom line, I am a social introvert…and proud of it!

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  73. This is sooo Me! In a crowd i am as quiet as a mouse but one on one i’m loud and free. This gives the wrong impression to people i just meet they think i’m being moody by i’m just a bit shy and can’t find my place when there are too people. I hate going out with two groups of ‘friends’ together people i’m not sure how to act. I act differently depending on the people i am with. I am cautious not to offend people but do so anyways. People don’t seem to understand me so i never get invited anywhere and no one ever wants to hang out. The people that do however are highly extroverted and they make me uncomfortable so then i get a bit irritable. I never tell people when i’m annoyed i hold it in then push them away. My life is so frustrating, if only they knew.

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    • you comment is exactly how life goes for me. every time i get uncomfortable i push people away because i don’t know how to start explaining myself and i also never really have any real reasons why i act the way i do. life is very frustrating …i even started skipping classes because of how uncomfortable i get around people. most times people think i’m flirting with them which is weird and i don’t really know how to address that. i think very hard before i say things or text things or do things, i’m also very cautious not to offend people . My cousins and i don’t even get along so well anymore because they misunderstand everything i do and they always think i come up with excuses all the time. i’m always the awkward one when hanging out with my friends because individually we get along but group wise i am very quiet. i also always think people think the worst of me and people think i’m “fake” because its like i have a personality for everyone i meet . *sign* 🙁 i honestly need help because i don’t enjoy feeling pressurized, tense, uncomfortable and misjudged 24/7

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  74. Wow, that’s me.

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  75. I’ve always said with my people I’m Leslie Knope- with everyone else I’m April Ludgate. Ha ha ha it’s totally true.

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  76. Unbelievable! I feel you have just described my social (and unsocial) behaviour in everything you said.. I couldn’t imagine that so much people is the same way.. Even if I truly believe that this is totally normal way of being, acting and living, not everyone around me understands it! I will use your article to prove them that you describe something that exists and it is this way! Thanks!!! 😀

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  77. Yes, this is me! The best thing is that I have the best of both worlds, enjoying alone time AND social situations. The worst this is that because I enjoy socialising people expect me to want to go out all the time.

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  78. Omg! This is totally me. I am so happy someone else just gets it! Trying to explain this to others is like attempting to teach algebra to a cat. Even worse, trying to make sense of how I’ve felt most of my life has been a headache in it’s self. We live in a world of the black & white mentality leaving the “gray area” to be viewed as non existing. Starting in grade school we’re told that we’re either this or that, no inbetween. And while that may be true for some things in life, here’s a case where its not. If you fall in the “gray” area it can be stressful, and like you said, at times even depressing. People only see what you allow them to see so they think thats all there is to you. As a result, they put you in that particular box and expect you to always stay there. The problem is you can’t stay there because you have characteristics from both sides of the fence. Then the times your other side finally reveals itself people around you think you’re having a sad moment, presently going through identity crisis, or mad at them, when non of these things are accurate. Sometimes I just don’t feel like being bothered. I want to be left alone, avoid talking with others (especially small talk), or hanging out with a bunch of people with phony smiles and forced conversation. However when I do come around (by choice) I am one of the most socialable people you’ll ever meet and will make friends without trying. I have an easy time making them but a hard time keeping them. I hope that one day “Extroverted Introverts” truly get recognized as a legit thing among the masses because it is real. We are real!

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  79. No one in my family would ever believe I am really shy!! I have never had any trouble talking to people, however, it was never easy for me. I was even in sales and had jobs always in the public eye! It was privately very stressful for years. At work I was the funny, outgoing person who had it all. I learned to became outgoing to fit in and be liked. Also my family came first. My husband and kids were all I needed so it was hard keeping friends. I never felt I could give them the time and attention they needed either. I like to think I am a great friend, but just need my space too. I am glad there are others like me! I guess you can call me an Extroverted Introvert!!

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  80. For a prospective college student who is really driven, good with people (considering business), is visually artistic and loves to write AND is seriously an extroverted introvert, what should I study? small or large school? urban or rural?

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  81. Oh my goodness yes! I love people so much and my heart goes out to them but if I am at a social event I need alone time for at least twenty minutes before and thirty minutes after. I rarely last more than two hours at a social event. I love parties and having fun but aaaaahhhh people never seem to understand why I always want to go home after a while. Man my dad always gets annoyed and says that I am a party pooper, and my friends don’t understand why I sometimes don’t want to hang out.

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  82. This is me!! Sorry Samantha!! I often feel conflicted. Everyone expects you to be “on” all the time and it doesn’t work that way!! Depends on the situation.

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  83. Being an INFJ, this is so me. My Extroverted feelings want to be around people and share in their emotions and try help as many ppl as I can. Then the Introverted intuition/thinking kicks in and want to be alone in my own little world.

    I often find my self needing to be around people to satisfy my FE nature and alone to satisfy my NI/TI nature at the same time and as far as I know it, its not possible. As this is the struggle the INFJ (extroverted introvert) has in my experience

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  84. My husband is always wanting to go here or there and he loves being a social butterfly. I am the total opposite. It is like you say, when we do go out we can be quite sociable, but we have to get there first. I don’t go to parties of any kind. I don’t like going to BBQ’s or fish fry’s because there are people there I don’t know and I don’t want to make the effort to get to know new people. I would rather stay home and watch TV or be on the internet doing research or learning something new. I have two labs that are more company than I ever need. My husband and I live separately together. We sleep in separate bedrooms and are basically room mates than spouses. We have grown apart and I am not complaining about that. He has not complained about that. He does scream and yell and cuss me more often than not and that’s part of the reason we live separately together. Is there anyone else that has a relationship like this? or are there any FB groups of people like us?

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  85. I’m an INTJ… I love connecting one-on-one and having friendships where the other person understands me and my sometimes introversion sometimes extroversion deeply. I find it at times confusing and even frustrating at times, though, because when I’m at a decently healthy, happy state in life I find myself able to “recharge” while in the company of those special close friends, but at other times especially when stressed, even those friends drain me. Lately I’ve been often wondering whether I actually am offended by them, or I’m unconsciously judging them and just don’t feel or realize it. I do find myself really wanting to remain close to keep the other person happier, almost for the sake of showing my gratitude for their understanding – as if their understanding makes me need less personal space.

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  86. This describes me almost perfectly. When I plan on attending a party or occasion with a number of people, I have my exit planned beforehand. Most often will drive on my own so I can leave at any time.
    Only difference is that I can have a deep conversation with anyone one-to-one, even if I’ve just met them. As well, I make no promises to keep up friendships with people I have just met. My small close circle of friends are difficult enough to keep going! I am a pastor, and an ISTJ.

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  87. I was agreeing and relating to this the whole time I read. I’m not crazy, there are other people who feel the same way I do. Thank you, well written article.

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  88. Wow this is so me!! Mine is more like long term tho. Earlier in the year I was super outgoing but for the last few weeks I’ve been super introverted and not wanting to hang with any of my friends. Like literally annoy me! They didn’t do anything it’s really me.

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  89. Well,I feel same to all that , and now I’m thinking about find a way to handle the superficial contact with people , because like you said I feel empty after a conversation without sense, and I’m a Latin one, and in my country is normal the excess of contact and for people like me is difficult to handle. Also not all is bad, because I have friends from all my life, and that is priceless. Best regards everyone!

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  90. For the longest time I considered myself an introvert, but recently I begin questioning this as when I looked back there were many times I was quite social.

    Heck, I could start conversations with random strangers and go on about my day or the things I like. I could even start going into more personal s t if before reeling myself in.

    More I realized while I do enjoy my alone time I also deeply desire being with and talking with others. Making friends and just getting along with each other. More, there was time I felt I needed someone to say I did a good job or agreed with what I feel or think. Acceptance and appriciation.

    I enjoy reading, loved it even, but ever since I graduated from High School I can hardly focus on a book for very long. I use the Internet alot, on forums, and skype, and youtube. Interacting and getting to know others. I watch movies, TV shows, play roleplaying games, most enjoying worlds that are not my own.
    —————–

    What am I? An Introvert, an Social Introvert, and Extrovert? I have made myself uncertain and confused.

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  91. Spot on. 😀

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  92. does it also mean ambivert?

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  93. I’m not sure what kind of introvert i am. I just really not interesting to talk much to anyone around me. it’s always better to go alone whenever. I just speak or text people for an important thing. but if talking is something necessary to do I will do it in good way, I never feel shy about that. And I just talk much with one person that I really believe and care about to keep everything. hello all introverts btw. (sorry for my bad English)

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  94. I thought it was just me. Whew!

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  95. Yes, yes, yes! Most people think that I am an extrovert but they could not be more wrong. I never understood why until I read this article, so thank you! I also despise the way that being an introvert is for some reason stereotyped as being a “bad” thing. I enjoy socializing, but it drains me, and that causes me to prefer being alone most of the time. And it’s so true, the fact that I can talk to people easily but not necessarily maintain longterm friendships. Again, thank you for this article!

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  96. Exactly..!! You have summed up perfectly. I consider myself an introvert and I am.. actually. But when charged up [ – it can be anything like a good topic of discussion, some good news, breakthrough in my work, or sometimes a glass of wine can do the trick ;-)], I become a different person.
    I can make friends easily but cannot maintain except for a few…
    I am so good at one-to-one conversations.. 😛

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    • I so glad I’ve been diagnosed (lol) I am okay with it but people truly don’t understand us! I identify closely with I can plan to attend an event and I am excited about the date on the calendar but when the actual day comes I’m not excited about it anymore and have sometimes cancelled even when I’ve purchased tickets. I just don’t want to be bothered with people. But then the cycle starts agin and I’m happy! I sometimes am quiet but listening for sure. I feel like I don’t fit in sometimes! But people love me! They don’t know this side of me and sometimes it makes me really sad that I’m like this.

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  97. Definitely agree with the whole small talk thing. I absolutely hate small talk. Give me the goods and maybe we can connect and who knows I may open up and tell you stuff about me😊

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  98. This is cool. This also describes me and I am also a therapist. People see me and think I am a social butterfly with all sorts of energy, but I don’t have enough alone time to recharge, I will become depressed. I always associated it with energy changes due to ADHD, but this is much more accurate a description.

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  99. Yeah I feel almost the same.when I’m around family or cousins I am kind of extrovert,I love spending time with everyone and I’m the funny and fun kind of person BUT when I’m around people or in school I’m totally an introvert I get bored by them easily and my lazy and anti-social mode is on!!!.and I like to listen rather than comment or join the conversation.and I beleive I have social anxiety !!!!

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  100. I was trying to figure out why I felt bad for wanting to socialize. Every one of my introverted friends, when I told them what I was doing tonight, criticized it, “Oh that sounds awful”. But I’ve been stuck inside for over a week and I want to be around people–only if it’s for an hour. I feel like it’s not healthy for me to always be home. But, I do know that I will not want to stay the entire time. My husband is also an introvert and he can’t stand that I want to sometimes be around people. It’s so hard to balance when all your friends are introverted and your husband and they don’t understand you and then you aren’t completely extroverted so you can’t relate to them either! UGH.

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  101. Well you’re an INTROVERT!!!

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  102. People say it’s because I’m a Gemini and I have split personalities and I’m two faced, but no that’s not it all socializing is draining especially when it’s going no where, and I hate explaining my current feelings every dam minute when I’m fine I’m just a extroverted introvert

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    • Oh! I’m a Gemini. Everyone tells me that!! It’s funny. I feel the same way. I know plenty of Geminis that are very extroverted. I think it’s where the mind and heart kind of work together. Not speaking for you but for me. Cool to know I’m not the only Gemini told this. You are the first I have heard say it. Thanks for reading 🙂

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  103. I m quite confident n moderstely bold.i m multi talented that party loving people enjoy my company n miss me in my absence in a party….i can sing,mimic.i m energetic n witty and love witty people.but still i have no friend ….l mean the one with whom i can share each n every bit of my life…..may be because i have a loving family mother,father n siblings even my husband is my good friend….but now i have started missing to have a true friend out of my family….so am i extroverted introvert?

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  104. I don’t usually answer phone calls but replies via sms, personal message and im’s.. even with my bff’s. I just don’t like the idea talking on the phone.

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  105. I always thought myself to be an introvert. Later realizing I had no title cause I pick and choose those I would like to know and those I feel are chatty cause they need to be. I find myself needing my alone time. My husband is a people person and doesn’t get that I could listen forever and never say a word. He says it’s rude. I like people I Don’t have to explain things to. It’s how conversation used to be. Two (or more) people talking. That train can go forever and topic can range from extreme to extreme. The point is, people know each other and become valued friends. Not life long buds maybe, yet someone you know has depth. Not saying others don’t I get along with everyone. I just watch how I handle myself. I like who I am. Less drama and stress in my life. I prefer to step out of the shadows once in a while. I enjoy not living in what “they” say are standards of a social person. I like the individual of a person. Thanks for reading. If you are offended… no need to let me know. I’m not interested. It’s my opinion. 🙂

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  106. “Extroverted introverts” and “introverted extroverts”, the technical term is an ambivert, it means you’re both, or have aspects of both. Interesting read though, can definitely relate.

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  107. This sounds somewhat like me and somewhat not like me.

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  108. Thank you for this, each time I tell my friends or colleagues I am a shy person, no one ever believes me. Now it makes so much sense, good news is I am not alone!!

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  109. I’m no expert in Psychology but I’ve always thought I’m a cross between an introvert and extrovert. By nature, I’m an introvert while by nurture, I got extroverted trying to channel my energy whenever the situation asks me to socialize but really wanting to just keep to myself. And wanting to go out there with people but wouldn’t know how.

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  110. All points are Spot-on, in my case.

    Guess, this is called as Ambivert !!

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    • I think the term “social introvert” is more accurate as many introverts do enjoy socializing, but simply need more time to recharge. An ambivert, on the other hand is someone who is right in the middle of the spectrum between an introvert and extrovert. They may be more social, but they will also have more of the other extroverted traits, such as less need for time alone, faster communication, and less energy drain.

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  111. Hell! This is exactly me, I feel this way all the time, I love to go out make new friends but as soon as I went out nd sew new people I feeling like run from that place and hide somewhere, I am soo afraid to be left alone, m scared of watching big groups with me as well, The problem with me apart from thos is my conciousness for my look, m kinda chubby girl so I continuesly feel like people are more interested in holding conversation with hot girls nd not someone like me,

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  112. I am so glad I found this article when I did coz I had begun to wonder if maybe I was the one with the issue. it’s liberating to know it’s a personality trait and that I shouldn’t apologize for shutting down when I do..coz for us it’s a coping mechanism, right? thank you so much for this article

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  113. this is so me :D.. actually I am still looking more what scientific said about this kind of personality “extrovert introvert” …

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  114. Wow. Never has anything been more relatable
    Although I don’t agree with number 5
    For me its more like
    I NEED to talk in a crowd or group or ill feel like I dissapeared out of memory, almost like it wasn’t worth the effort and energy to be there

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  115. I really love your writing here. Those are really on point. All of them glimpse who i am. I do love to socialize but i have a period of time to get into it like you’ve written up there. LOL. If my mind says no, then the answer is no. Btw, keep up the good work. Your new reader from Malaysia 😊

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  116. Wow..so am NOT going crazy!!Yaay!
    Actually it’s quite relieving to know there are people who are in this with me,because i thought i was going bonkers!
    I am one of those people who make friends easily then I kinda back away.So thanks so much to all who shared in the comments and the article itself.You guys are awesome!!

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  117. I often puzzle myself. I’m habitually quiet but once I’m with my friends, I can be so noisy and always love to go out. When I started working, I’m just silent because I’m still shy and not comfortable enough around people. But when I became comfortable, I am still as quiet as ever. I can talk or be just be in silence at times. I am not anti-social, I know how I make my way around people but sometimes, I just don’t have the energy to converse around anymore. Sometimes, they’d mistake me as a loner or sad person but I’m not sad. It just end like this way.

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  118. I find this really strange. I would like to know more cause it troubles thinking who am I.
    Ego aside, I’m pretty and that helps me interact easily since I feel secure and I know I will be welcomed in guys and am sweet enough for girls. I know what type of people everyone wants to be talking to, so whenever they are around I would be that person for a while. Thereby I’m really pleased by people. Again ego aside.

    Also, sometimes I love people and being around them and interacting and doing everything.
    How ever, some others I really hate them, I feel like there’s nothing more exiting than working on my stuff instead of wasting time with others. Really, I get to think sometimes building up my life alone is amazing. And then when I see group of girl- friends I truly ask myself what’s in their minds that I don’t have, and they do and thereby makes them stick with a bunch of people so much Time. So I find this very accurate, I’m really bad at maintaining friendships. And this really confuses me since I make friends like in 2 seconds!!

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  119. This is so me. Great to know there are many of us out there. I’m accountant which suits me to a tee. I spent Thanksgiving alone for the first time and enjoyed it a lot. Did miss my daughter and her family who live 1500 miles away but never felt lonely. I was married 20 years and divorced 15 years. Think nothing of going out to eat alone and reading my book. I have three great friends and feel very blessed. Hate parties.

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  120. That is so me. I always have wondered whether I am extroverted or introverted? and often I have asked myself whether I was going through some mental disorder- are there other people who feel just the same as me?

    I got answer to all of these answers here. So it is okay to be this way i.e I am not having any mental disorder. Thank God! Great to know there are many of us out there

    I see, Extroverted Introverts would be the most productive one if they use their energy well.

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  121. Strange, most of the people having Extroverted Introvert personality are directly or indirectly connected to Psychology and Sociology. No wonder that I am into Psychology subject.

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  122. I believe I am also the one. I am glad to land on this post as I could get many people like me which makes me feel I am no different than many others. I like listening to people, getting in touch with them, making friends but at some point, I am like ‘I don’t want to exist for any of those’… all of sudden, I wanna ignore all of them.. without any reason.. that’s sick of me i think. 😛 My friends say I am a confused soul and I can never have a LIFE!!..

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  123. Being alone is the best for me, I never feel LONELY, sometimes people think I am depressed but in actual fact I would be at my happiest ME MOMENT, I am a chemistry teacher, confident in expressing myself and addressing people but social gathering are my mood killer, I love my family but everyday it’s a must for me to have to escape from my son and husband just to have quiteness if that doesn’t happen, I would be in a foul mood, I would just feel exhausted. Its rare for me to start a conversation with with someone I don’t know unless it’s very necessary, but I converse well with those who approach me, people mistake it as being full of myself. I HATE small talks and most of the time don’t find what other people think it’s funny (comedies) to be fun, I HATE unnecessary noise but like my own noise (I guess it’s selfish) singing and dancing at home. Got 1long term friend that we meet once In 2 or 3 months, I don’t usually post things on social media, I just read posts and comments. I get tire of people fast and I just don’t like VISITORS! THEY TAKE MY ME TIME!!!! I guess I am an into vertical but am not quite when angry so people turn to think that I ignore or don’t like them which is UNTRUE

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  124. Only recently have I discovered this explanation of who I believe I am. Always I had thought of myself as an extrovert~~~period! However, there were parts of my behavior and feelings that didn’t match up 100%.

    It has been very freeing to hear others stories about the same experience. Though I taught children for 35 years and adopted a child as a single parent, I did not take my own message of ‘just be who you are!’ In them I could see the struggle to conform totally to society’s expectations. It was vicariously painful to watch and feel. I talked and worked tenaciously for them to see their own uniqueness and beauty.

    Many wise people have come in and out of my life to help me learn so much. At this point as a 75 year old, I can say that all of it is coming full circle for me. Thank you for these messages.

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  125. Hello
    Thanks so much for posting this.
    I’ve always wondered for a while where I fit into cause neither being an introvert or an extrovert fit the person I am. But this does perfectly.

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  126. This article describes me very well (5/6, great article by the way), which is strange because I’ve always thought labelling tests, internet surveys like “10 Signs You Are a Sociopath” and the like to be very general and would by default apply to wide ranges of people.
    Usually they describe universal human traits that are never really talked about openly; think of un-talked about subjects like how your body reacts when you think there is one more step than there actually is at the end of a set of stairs. That being said, I believe you have described the psychological condition of Bipolar II Disorder, albeit in much more positive, beneficial nomenclature and syntax than a psychiatrist would give. Now, Bipolar II Disorder is a diagnosable term that is determined from a series of tests from certified test givers and analyst’s, not always medical doctors, but usually. In this way, it is similar to a personality test you can take on the internet or from some sort of governing institution (think the Myers Briggs Test). The way in which you explain the duality of the extroverted introvert and how they need to “recharge in isolation” after social events, but still maintaining to be the life of the party at said social events. A psychiatrist would describe this duality as a polarity shift from a state of depression (recharging and being emotionally/socially drained) to a state of hypomania or even full blown mania(being the life of the party and making many new friends easily). It does not take a far leap in logic to realize this rather evident truth; psychiatrists need a better grasp on the way in which people like the author and myself handle ourselves in society. If i were a betting man, I would wager that if I walked into a psych ward, I would be diagnosed with some sort of bipolar disorder even though I have led a successful and exciting life. Imagine, especially today when mental health is at the forefront of the modern medical revolution, extroverted introverts being diagnosed, or rather misdiagnosed, as having bipolar disorder and then being sedated by medication for the rest of their days. There really should be better terminology when dealing with mental health as having a certain personality should not be considered a disease at all. As a side note, my favourite note was number 3, in which the author describes how the extroverted introvert can make friends easily but be unable to retain them if they see one in a “recharging” state. I have that happened to me many times before and people being surprised “I thought you hated me or something?” after seeing me the next day after they met me and seeing me act less socially interactive. /endrant

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  127. This article explains me so accurately, I often fight with myself to go out and see friends or meet new people. I only like doing a select amount of activities and they are very limited. Im often depressed from being alone for a certain period of time (It doesn’t help that I suffer from manic depression as is). I have a great appreciation that I am not the only one that is much like this, and it doesn’t make me feel so alone, like I always do unless I’m with my girlfriend/love of my life (whom could probably greatly relate to this as well). I am open to talking to people who struggle like I do in this sense if they need be at my email: [email protected].

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  128. Hello!?!

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  129. Wow did this resonate in every way. I’ve taken so many versions of Myers Briggs but always landed as an Extrovert but close to the Introvert. I was told that I am masking because I should only be one or the other. I’ve also heard that I’m moody because I can hang with the best in social settings but quickly move to down time. So, thanks for this article. So enlightening and freeing!!

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  130. You nailed it! The part that always seems interesting is when others might assume that they made me mad or did something wrong.

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  131. Hi
    I have recently read an article about this “extroverted introvert” and have read your article as well. I have often wondered why people are surprised to know I prefer to avoid large crowds and when I tell them I have depression and anxiety, they have a hard time believing me. Because I function so well in the day-to-day world they assume this is me all of the time. But what they don’t know is after I do a presentation or attend a function I need to have time alone to regroup myself or perhaps re-energize myself is a better term.

    More recently I became aware that I am quite selective about my social activities and I think this is because my energy reserve depletes quickly . So I choose what and with whom I spend my energy with. I would like to have more friends and do more, however over the last 5 years or so I noticed I turn away more invitation. As well I am less likely to pursue friendships because ultimately my time and energy will be used.

    If family or friends read this they will think I am pompous or arrogant to determine if a friendship is worth my time and energy. I feel bad about that.

    So now I am going to think about being extraverte introvert and come to terms with this.

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  132. This is exactly me! There is something that you missed though. “You tend to get depressed if you have no deep, meaningful relationships.” Though that might be a natural thing, really. To be honest, it is frustratingly difficult to maintain good friendships. There are a lot of people I love to be friends with and love to talk to, but a lot of my interests aren’t social, so it’s really hard to find things that we can both go out and do to enjoy! Also, I totally get the fear of being trapped at a party. A lot of times, the only reason that keeps me from going is because, not having a car myself, I’d have to rely on my friends do get me out of there. And that, my friend, is not a risk that I’m willing to make. At all. haha

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  133. Idk who I am. I think in a way Im more of an ambivert. Im shy but I sometimes feel like I dont really care to talk to people. In a way sometimes I hate small talk but I dont really care if there is quiteness around me and my friends. But then sometimes I hate it. Idk I kight be a shy ambivert or shy extrovert. My dads a big introvert and my mom is a shy extrovert. Idk sometimes I feel more like my mom. My dad really avoids socializing unlike me but idk. I always kind of live in a daydream and dont really need socializing to be entertained. I mea of they start having conversations with me and giving me attention Ill open up more or be interested but if theyre just stonefaced, or cant entertain you much, or if their shy I dont really like them. I mean sometimes I dont mind happy shy people but idk sometimes I rarely find people like that. I always feelmore energized when I socialize but I dont mind being alone to but I have to be interested in something to be alone. Otherwise if Im not distracted by something I might socialize with friends or just daydream and doodle. I dont really need socializing but I think my problem is that I cant trust people easily and it makes me loose friends easily. Also Im probably not the most loyal person but idk only if I really trust them or if they keep giving attention to me.

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  134. This is just… so me!

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  135. Well, that solves, to a certain extent, something about myself that has over the years, both puzzled me and sometimes worried me. Years ago and mostly because I opened my big mouth at the wrong moment, I was elected as the union rep. in a transport yard I worked in. When the moment came for me to address a union meeting, I was astonished how easy it was. I simply stood up and said everything I had to say and afterwards answered a lot of questions about the problem that we were meeting for.

    Yet, away from there, it’s almost impossible to get me to go to another person’s home in a social situation. If I do weaken and agree to go, usually before an hour is up, I will be slowly sliding along a wall towards the nearest door and then making my escape. To make it worse, I nearly always leave without telling anyone, especially my host. I know it’s extremely rude to leave without so much as a goodbye, but I’ve found it’s a lot easier than trying to explain why I’m leaving. If I can’t make it out of there without others knowing, I just make up an excuse to leave. I lie to them. What else can I say to them? “I’m sorry, but I have to leave now because my little red engine has gone chugging around the bend”?

    I’m pretty sure my behaviour has cost me a lot of friends and potential friends over the years and that used to cause me some distress too. However, in more recent times, I’ve come to really like the person I am. I don’t have any friends at all now and I’m sometimes surprised at how little I care about that. An old girlfriend once said to me that she was worried about me because it didn’t seem that I had any friends of my own. I couldn’t help joking that I was more worried about the fact that I wasn’t worried about it!

    I also live alone. For almost twenty years, it was just my son and I and now he has moved to another city to further his career. At first I missed him terribly and I still do miss him, but I also love having the whole house to myself and being able to come and go as I please, without having to take any other person into consideration. No doubt, to a lot of people I must sound selfish and inconsiderate and that’s perfectly OK with me, because I am selfish and inconsiderate. I’m like that because there is no one in my life to be selfless for or with and there’s no one else here that I have to consider either. Apart from the constrictions of working for an employer, I’m now the free-est I have ever been in my whole life and I’m working very hard to get myself out of the employer-employee relationship too.

    After a lifetime of wanting to do something like this, I’m learning piano and soon I’ll be taking up drums. As a kid, I was a pretty good artist and I’m seriously thinking about taking that up again. I’m going to go into buying and renovating houses and just to get the hang of it all, the first project is going to be my own house and once that’s done, I’ll be looking around for investment projects that need reno work.

    So, in a nutshell, I’m a slightly extroverted, extremely introverted, completely friendless loner who is actually as happy as a pig in muck. So, if you can relate to this in even the slightest way, don’t take too much notice of the rhetoric from others about how you must be sad and lonely if you’re on your own and somewhat introverted. In short, believe in yourself.

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  136. thanx michaela. i really needed this. my work demands talking to people everytime and this sometimes drains my energy. i sometimes get anxiety attacks and that makes my situation worse. hope i can control this.

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  137. You hit the nail in the head, with me!
    I have my own business, which is all extrovert! I am a professional organizer, homes stager, and interior designer…. by the time I get home, I can barely communicate with my pup!’ Lol.
    I am thankful I don’t have appts everyday as I feel so would implode!😩🌈☀️

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  138. I was once selected for a year-long executive leadership program. Prior to the program we had to take an extensive Myers-Briggs test. Not surprisingly, my personality type was ISTJ, but only slightly to the Introvert side. The program was well though out, organized and generally a fantastic experience where I met some great people and learned a lot about myself and leadership. The only flaw, and it is a flaw I find in almost every educational and training situation, it seems as if the whole program is designed to force introverts to be extroverts.
    -Group projects
    -Social gatherings
    -Team presentations
    -Conflict resolution (this is a big one for me. People think that because you avoid conflict, you can’t handle it. This is simply not the case, as most introverts know, we just can’t stand the overly dramatic escalations and misunderstandings usually brought on by others. We aren’t even avoiding the conflict, we’re usually trying to fully understand the situation as best we can before deciding a course of action.)

    It seems our entire training and education system is designed to stifle, intimidate, and force introverts to think and interact as if they were extroverts.

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  139. Omg. It’s the answer I’ve been looking for and it mashes so much sense. I hate that i can’t seem to maintain long term friendships with people. And i just HATE small talk!

    Reply

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