Do Introverts Get Along With Other Introverts?

do introverts get along with other introverts

Many people have asked me, do introverts get along with other introverts?

This might surprise you.

A lot of introverts are afraid of other introverts.

Okay, maybe “afraid” isn’t exactly the right word. But many of the introverts I hear from are definitely hesitant, perplexed, intimidated, confused, clueless, discouraged, or otherwise confuddled about interacting with other introverts.

“But how do I approach him?” They ask.

“And what if we have nothing to talk about?”

I get it. I really do. I used to be intimidated by other introverts, too. Especially the really quiet ones (remember, we all express our introversion in different ways, so some innies are more chatty than others).

Then I started this blog, pondered introversion just about everyday for over two years, and wrote hundreds of blog posts on the topic. Et voilà. I am no longer afraid of – oops, I mean confused by – other introverts.

I’ve discovered the secret to interacting with other introverts without being sucked into a vortex of silence. Or feeling so awkward I want to scratch my eyeballs out.

Yep, I’ve come a long way these past couple of years. And now, like a magician unveiling his most anticipated trick, I want to share my secrets of how to chum up with other introverts.

But first, a question:

Have you ever had a friend who you never thought you’d be friends with?

When you first met them, you found them annoying, or weird, or just very different from you. But for one reason or another, they decided – declared, really – that you would be friends. And so it was. Their persistence paid off, and they unexpectedly began to grow on you.

You realized that you could have fun with them, trust them, open up to them. This person could have been fat, tall, skinny, strange, or speckled green. Once they earned your trust, you accepted them just as they are. Against all odds, you became good friends.

Most of my closest friendships formed this way.

We introverts have a soft spot for people who are persistent in their pursuit of our friendship. For us, loyalty covers a multitude of character flaws (maybe too many sometimes). We also like it when people do the heavy lifting of establishing and maintaining a friendship.

I hate to admit it, but we introverts aren’t always the best at making the first move … or the second … or the 110th. We like it when other people do it for us. This can have its downsides. But we won’t talk about that now. After all, I still haven’t revealed my magic trick.

Or have I?

Hmmm … could it be that being friends with another introvert has less to do with what you say, and more to do with how you stand there like an ancient tree in the same vicinity as them?

Is it possible that another introvert won’t care about a little bit of awkward silence if you would stop acting so bloody awkward about it, and just roll with it?

Am I being presumptuous to suggest that another introvert will just be so thankful that you made the first move, they won’t care how smoothly you did it?

Mystified yet?

Here it is, the answer to the question, do introverts get along with other introverts?

Drum rooooooolllllll …

The white rabbit, my friend:

do introverts get along with other introverts?

His name is Patience Persistence And Loyalty With A Hint Of Unapologetic Oddness (he is a Spanish bunny with a very long name).

Now you, dearest

I would love to hear your thoughts on friendship between introverts.

Do you feel weird about approaching other introverts?

Do you get along well with other innies?

Please do share your comments below. 🙂

Xo,

Michaela-Signature

 

 

32 Comments

  1. It is tough being friends with another innie. One of my dearest friends is an innie and we have established (out loud) the fact that there will be times of silence and that we will not be offended/confused by it. Mostly it works, but every once in awhile we both feel we have to fill the silence with chit chat (ugh!).

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  2. My wife and I are both introverts, and I was definitely the one to act on the patient persistence. I have appreciated it in the past from other friends and GF’s, and I was usually the one to be abandoned when their persistence ended. So, I know my wife greatly appreciated that I hung in there, even when (in the early years) she point-blank told me not to… 🙂

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  3. I definitely feel weird when I’m aproaching other introverts. 🙂 I don’t know why, but everytime I meet a new introvert, something clicks in my head and I get totally confused… Maybe it’s because I am little afraid to get too close, or maybe I know that we will get close, so I unconsciously back off and make a wrong impresion about myself… But I am working to improve that. 🙂 I get along well with other introverts, there are exceptions of course, I recently had that kind of situation, it was pretty awkward, but in the end it all worked out well-ish… 🙂 Friendships between introverts are priceless, because we understand each other on a different scale, and we are loyal to the end. 🙂 There is nothing better when you and you’r Introvert friend are sitting down or walking and talking for hours and hours about all kinds of deep subjects… 🙂 For me, those are the moments to cherish. 🙂 True friendships are rare these days, but if you have the luck of having a introvert as a true friend, protect it, guard it, because nobody will understand you better and accept you more. 🙂

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  4. My best friends and I are introverts. The whole reason we became friends is because I made a side comment in class that they thought was funny. Having the ability to befriend fellow introverts has not only made for very loyal and trusting relationships, but we can tell when the other needs time. The relationship is never strained or pushed.

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  5. Wow. Some of my most intense and intimate relationships are with other introverts. I find them so incredibly fascinating and thought provoking. I can talk to them for hours and never get bored with the variety of ground we cover. And sometimes we can sit side by side in silence and it’s okay. It’s actually comfortable. Many introverts can be very outgoing so you never know which type of person you’re dealing with until you find the depth of thought, and just the sense of peace you feel around another introvert. An introvert doesn’t drain me.

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    • “An introvert doesnt drain me”…. this is soooo TRUE!!!

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  6. I have four very special, close friends. They are my support team. Two are extroverts who I let do all the entertaining talk. But I have to recover after every time we get together. But one is an extra special introvert. We can be very comfortably together and not talk. But sometimes we talk about the wonderfully strange things we think about. I admire her so much because she is calm and dignified in her understanding of herself. All my friends gently tug me out to do things that they know I would love. They have hung in with me through family ups and downs. Then my breast cancer. The extrovert “made” me pick out my wig before I lost all my hair while I wanted to hide from it all. But they all sat with me during chemo. We celebrate every year. We need to pick out a special one this year because it is my 5 year anniversary. Thanks for your forum.

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  7. True, I have few friends with whom I can hardly speak more than a few words (both of are introverts) but I know them for years & can always count on them to help me when it matters most. Having said that, I seem to lean towards people who are extroverted as they brighten up my “quiet” life 🙂

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  8. I’ve discovered I’m empath of some level and that makes it impossible for me to wait for other introverts to do the first move…so I put on my big girl pants and go for it. If ‘something’ tells me the other person is willing to open up, I feel this need to go there and reach out to that person, because I know is not an easy thing to do.

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  9. My wife and I are both introverts and there is strain after 7 years of marriage. I have to make most or all of the conversation, jokes, fill in the dead air and most everything else. On the bright side she is good at everything I’m bad at so there is somewhat of a balance there and we both have the same taste in things which helps also.

    I just sometimes wish she were more spontaneous, but alack and alas that is not to be. My ex wife was a full blown extrovert and things were much easier with her (if you don’t count her being in trouble with the law through most of our marriage).

    Anyway, we shall see.

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    • Thanks for sharing that, Brian. It seems 7 years is the magical time when all marriages have strain (7 year itch). I hope you can work it out.

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  10. “Patience Persistence” – Michaela, I think these are the keywords to get along with other introverts! I’ve never thought about any problems between “introvert & introvert”, but meanwhile I’m really “scared of extroverts” 🙂 – I believe the older I get the more silence and “calming effects” I need. I like to listen “Rock’n Roll music” but today I hate a life style in “Rock’n Roll – highspeed”, I’m no teenager anymore! 🙂 – If it would be possible to switch of an “endless talking and acting extrovert” like a radio for some hours , I guess I would be able to get along with them… but I don’t believe this could be possible in reality? 🙂 – and so I rather like to get along with other introverts. – As a painter I like to sit in silent landscapes for hours painting the nice view – I’ve always asked myself if it would be possible that anybody could sit beside me in such a silent situation (without disturbing me?!): Yes, an INTROVERT I guess!!? 🙂

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  11. I guess it boils down to excepting people for who and what they are. We are all weird different and yet we are all the same. We are all connected and when we see and understand and honor that connection that’s when friendship happens.

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  12. Reading this reminded me of highly sensitive persons (HSPs e.g. “empaths”, geniuses, many psychiatrists/psychologists, social workers, channels etc), which is not introversion, but when combined with it (I + HSP), can make interaction difficult to awkward at first, but amazingly rewarding once judgements are overcome.

    As an introvert, understanding HSPs (and MBTI and enneagramms) has really helped in understanding, creating, and sustaining both myself and my most valued friendships : )

    “HSPs process both positive and negative information more thoroughly, and so they can easily become overwhelmed by stimuli. They are acutely aware of sensations, whether of taste, touch, sound or smell. And they are particularly sensitive to emotions—their own and those of others.”

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  13. My great problem is about english language. I’d like to share my opinion about this subject but I’m afraid to do that because my grammar mistakes make me shy to express myself.

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  14. “a spanish bunny with a very long name” lol.
    Loyalty is a deep and buried well. When a new friends consistently calls and invites and works their way down there, it surprises me how loyal I can get in return. For those few, I am grateful for em.

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    • Perfect article! Recently I have also been trying to analyze how friendship within the introvert circle work too. I have a really good friend who I really admire, but she is much more introverted than I am. Don’t get me wrong, I love hanging out with her, however, at times it turns a little awkward. I like to talk when in a one-on-one setting, but soon I run out of things to say and my friend, who almost doesn’t talk at all, doesn’t help that much with the resulting silence. Sure, we laugh, we crack a joke now and then, but we are too similar to ignite a spark between us. Same goes with a guy I’m talking too. He’s very sweet and nice, but he hasn’t made the first move and I definitely won’t.
      Thanks for your article though!

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  15. One of my best friends is an extrovert and I definitely found their persistence helped me to trust them and open up to them. I’ve found that with dating recently too. I dated an extrovert and it was really easy to connect with them.

    I don’t let my guard down easily and I find persuing friendship hard work with people who aren’t as forward.

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    • I get along very well with extroverts as well, being an introvert. The thing is, I’m a nice social person, but I’m not like that when I dont have to be, thus being an introvert. What I end up needing is someone to show me that I wont have to take the lead of the friendship, and then eventually they grow on me to the point where I’m almost an extrovert exclusively when I’m around them. My problem is that recently I’ve been put into a situation where I’m expected to spend a lot of time with another introvert, which annoys me because it was kind of forced between us. Neither of us really want to be where we are but we have to be. I try getting along with him but he’s exactly like me, he needs an extrovert to break him out of his shell, and I just cant do that. It’s extremely frustrating and I really hope over time both of us can be mature enough to stand up and get along.

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  16. I’m an introvert, but i’m very good at talking and start to make a conversations to a person I just met. Because I always like to know people more and wanna make a friend with anyone. But the problem is the second meeting and from then on.
    mostly, I don’t know what to do for the second time we met. The chemistry that we build on the first meeting is gone and I start to feel the awkwardness, gosh. Haha.
    Just share. Anyone feel the same? 😀
    *sorry for my bad English 🙂

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  17. I am an introvert and there are some introverts that I get along very well with however there are some, as your article indicates, that simply puzzle me. Interestingly, this is something that I only really took notice of quite recently. The real problem, for me, is that when I see an introvert acquaintance (ex: my boss at work) and they just ignore me I automatically think that there’s something wrong. It’s almost as though, for one moment, my mind has extraverted. I think to myself “why did they just walk past me and say nothing?” “Are they angry with me?” “Do they dislike me?” and my mind goes in as many directions as there were dalmatians in that Disney movie. And when that happens to me I suddenly don’t like being an introvert because I feel like a hypocrite for questioning others’ silences when theirs are nearly identical to mine. I know that I’m quiet a lot – especially when I move from one physical environment to another and until I’ve had a chance to acclimate myself to the different surroundings – and I worry that people think I’m mad at them but I’m not – I just need to settle in. But understanding that about myself doesn’t seem to make a lick of difference in my understanding the possibility that others may need, want or do the same thing. Shouldn’t I be able to “handle” others’ silence if they’re expected to “handle” mine? It makes me wonder if I really know or understand myself at all and that’s frightening and sometimes has the effect of making me wish I could just be “normal” even though most of the time I absolutely love my introversion and know, in those times, that the world would be probably be a better place if there were a bit more introversion so that it isn’t something that needs to be ‘cured’, ‘overcome’ or ‘conquered’.

    The same thing happens to me when I, for example, go to a doctor’s office. They call your name and in the 35 seconds it takes to get from the door to the exam room everyone has to be chatty. Uggggggg. “How are you?” “Fine.” “How’s the weather? Is it still so humid?” etc, etc, etc… I feel horrible about myself when I give them short answers but do otherwise and I’m afraid they won’t stop and I haven’t found a good way to just make them be quiet! (In medical offices it’s especially difficult because I find those settings unsettling as it is. Throw in small talk and I really just want to run out the door and live with it until my body fights it off, whatever it is!) But if people who were otherwise chatty suddenly weren’t then I would absolutely fear ‘they must be angry with me’, ‘I must have done something’ etc… And again I find myself uncomfortable being an introvert because I feel as though I either have to a) participate in excessive small talk until they stop or b) offer ‘chat-resistant’ answers which will likely leave them wondering ‘what did I do?’, ‘is he angry at me…?’ etc…

    Now, I’m aware that I’m not normally chatty so when I’m quiet I understand that there is no problem, things are moving along as always. However I imagine that anyone I encounter compares me with everyone else they’ve made small talk with and who went right along with it and they don’t know me well enough to know my personality so they judge it according to what they do know and then wonder ‘what did I do?’ ‘why is he so angry?’ ‘what’s wrong with him?’

    In the end, I sort of feel as though I don’t get along well with extraverts because they simply don’t “get” me and they wear me out in very little time and I wouldn’t get along well with introverts because they’re “too difficult” to get along with! That’s really quite odd as I am one myself. Thank god for books and the characters in them.

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    • Exactly the way I feel sometimes, G.

      This was an interesting read for me because I’d been thinking about this a lot lately and been wondering about how other introverts feel about interacting with introverts. I find I feel the same way about interacting with other introverts as G mentioned, that I feel self conscious when their quiet. I suppose I need to just relax and not read so much into it.

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    • Maybe you are somewhere in between, in terms of introversion and extroversion. Another one possibility is, you crave for your boss attention (you have to ask yourself “why” then)

      If my boss walk past me saying nothing, or not expecting me to small talk with him, that’s actually a plus for me. He is such a person of “low maintenance ‎”, just so you know I don’t have to put on a smilling face, pretend that I’m very interested to talk to him, etc.. I really hold high regard to this kind of people..

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  18. Hey there. I’m an introvert, an extreme quiet one for that matter. Few friends I have, and I can hardly point out if I was the one who did the talking. Ha, most are pretty talkative. I was curious why they bothered being my friends and one actually replied that she saw a whole lot of her in me. Found it funny at the time since I didn’t know much about introversion. Friendships with introverts is so rewarding. But first time meeting, just the way you said it, finding the person so annoying till they become super persistent and you kind of give in. That’s how my friendships have been. And I can’t say they are friendships worth a regret.

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  19. I don’t know about the generalizations about introverts’ behaviors. I certainly don’t mind doing the heavy lifting when it comes to initiating and building a friendship and to say that (all) introverts don’t makes them sound lazy. Fairly equal give and take is, in my opinion, the basis for most healthy relationships. Most of my friends are introverted like me, as well as my husband. We have wonderful relationships with each other.

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  20. I tend to prefer extroverts, to be honest. Their extro traits complement my innie-ness nicely.

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    • I know what you mean, Vince! Well said. 🙂

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  21. As I lean into my true introversion, I find myself changing many aspects of my life.

    I have cut out most air travel. It exhausted me for years to be in long lines at the airport while I was searched and prodded and then had an extrovert rubbing against my arm in the airplane seat for hours as they chatted away. Automobile traveling is not so exhausting for me so I am now stretching to drive rather than to fly even if is more than one day’s drive. I am in a familiar vehicle with my stuff all around me and all I have to deal with is a hotel check in person. Much relief for me on this path.

    My family and friends have been fully appraised of my introvert social preferences. They seem to be going out of their way to honor my wishes. Feels like a warm love to have such respect without saying a word. If visiting a friend who always has a TV on with fairly high volume, I explain why I prefer it to be off while we visit. In many restaurants I have had the music volume lowered with my simple heartfelt request.

    Yes, I am finally honoring and communicating who I really am to me and to others.

    Cheers quiet ones,

    Pete K.

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  22. I’ve actually had a fairly easy time making friends with other introverts, especially innies who lean toward the shy side of the spectrum. I was always the shy girl in gym class who would go over and chat up the slightly shyer girl.

    You’re so right, though, when it comes to maintaining friendships with other introverts. If someone doesn’t reach out and want to make plans, especially after saying something like, “we should make plans,” I’ve often just automatically assumed they don’t actually care. When in reality, it could have been a number of things. I’m going to make a conscious effort from now on to pick up the ball if the other person has dropped it, and see where that takes me. 🙂

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  23. I have a bit of my own problem here. Essentially, recently I’ve been put into a situation where I’m expected to get along and spend a lot of time with another introvert. Currently I’m 14, though I’ve always thought of myself as somewhat mature. The introvert I’m expected to get along with, mentally, is much younger than I am. My problem is that I’m awful with anyone younger than I am in that way, and it’s even worse that he’s an introvert, because I feel guilty. We both just sit here quietly. If he was an extrovert, I’d at least be annoyed and know he’s content since I’m able to tolerate stress rather well, but that’s just not the case. I try reaching out to him, and I just cant. I feel like my friends have to be extroverts, or at least introverts that aren’t shy, because if I’m the one expected to take the lead in the friendship, I’m forced to be somewhat of an extrovert, because he’s exactly like me, he needs an extrovert to take him out of his shell. Sometimes I simply feel like hiding, not really even trying, but then I still just feel guilty. It’s really uncomfortable for me, I feel like I’ve lost the time that used to be for myself trying to be an extrovert for this person I hardly know. I guess now I know how others feel while trying to socialize with me.

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  24. I didn’t understand the magnitude of my being an introvert and an HSP until my 50’s. Better late than never!
    Looking back, all of my close friends have been extroverts. Because I never myself understood why I wanted to say no to so many things, I never was able to explain it to my friends. One by one, I would let the friendship dissolve because it was to overwhelming, time and time again.
    Now that I understand how/why I tick, I can explain to my boundaries to an extrovert. But it still seems to bring difficulty into the friendship…so it dissolves.
    I have a couple of introverted friends now, and I’m loving the mutual understanding we have. It’s so easy and accepting! No more exhaustive explaining! Yay!!

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