INFJ Door-Slam: Our defence Mechanism

infj relationships

The decision to resort to a Door-Slam is one of the hardest moments an INFJ will ever face. This is our last resort, our absolute limit. When we do it, we don’t look back. At that point, we are done. This is our ultimate defence mechanism.

My parents said to me once: “Protect yourself from harm. Always. Help anyone you can, but decide which person is going to be worth your time.”

These words still echo inside my head. They find their way to the surface when I am forced to do the INFJ Door Slam.

Many INFJ’s will, and quite often have resorted to the Door Slam. Our personality makes us caring, supportive, emotional, and loving. We will move mountains for those we cherish the most. We will swallow our pride. Simply put, we will do everything we can to sustain a friendship or a relationship. But even we have our limits.

Crossing the limit

A few years ago, I had a friend who was someone I couldn’t imagine living without. She was my biggest support. But as time passed, lies and deceptions began to occur for no particular reason. All of a sudden, I found myself in a toxic friendship that was influencing me in a terrible way …

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  1. Forgive… forgive everyone O my fellow INFJs…

    Indeed, your hearts deserve peace.

    With or without us, it doesn’t really matter.
    Someday they’ll know that you love them and that is enough.

    • You are right Udin, forgiveness is one of INFJ’s greatest strengths. 🙂 Our hearts do deserve peace, and protection as well. 🙂

  2. “What is destined will reach you, even if it be beneath two mountains.
    What is not destined will not reach you, even if it be between your two lips.”
    – Imam Ghazali –

    • Great quote surya. 🙂 Thanks for sharing! 🙂

  3. I always thought it was just something about me. Actually, I didn’t even have it articulated or clear in my mind that this is what I do. Thank you so much for this article and for this website. It is life-changing for me!

    After years of giving empathy and receiving none, forgiving and forgetting, etc. and having this be taken advantage of, I did the door slam in two major relationships. It was liberating and lightening.

    This article confirms for me that I did try everything else first. Everything in this article is so accurate!

    Thank you.

    • Thank you Catherine1000 for you kind words! I’m so happy to hear you liked the article, and that it helped you so much. 🙂
      I believe those Door-Slams weren’t easy, but know that I support your decision, and can completely relate to your feelings of liberation, and lightening.
      You are most welcome, thank you once more. 🙂

  4. This book embodies the INFJ approach to life, I think. It’s about being strong on the inside, at your core, and gentle on the outside. It’s not about war so ignore the misleading title:

    Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior

    • Thanks for sharing Catherine1000. 🙂

  5. How do we get an introvert back that has “slammed” a door to someone?

    I still love my ex, and I can tell there is something still there between us, but they have stopped communication and its very monotoned when we do chat. He’s never liked talking on the phone, so we always communicate via text. He usually tells me things after the point to where it has bothered him to death before I know anything about it and have a opportunity to change. We have been on & off for the past 7 months now, after a very intense and loving year and a half. WIll he ever come around ? He is definitely worth the fight, I just want to know if I am wasting my time.

    • From what I read here, I think there is still a chance. It’s extremely hard to regain someone who has “Door-Slammed” us, but it’s not impossible. A huge effort is required in order to regain that persons trust. I’ am sorry to hear this happened, but like I said, it’s possible to “revert” it. If you believe there is a slightest chance that you can be together again, if you are getting an positive feedback, no matter how small it may seem, don’t give up. Talk, be there for him, listen, one step at a time regain his trust by being there, prove him that Door-Slam shouldn’t have happened by regaining his trust slowly, do not rush. I hope you will succeed, know that you have my support. 🙂

  6. Thanks Marco! The article sums up perfectly what i know ive done unconsciously, or rather been forced to do, in major toxic relationships in the past. Hearing i was cruel was hard, but not as hard as putting myself through the pain of those relationships again. Thank you for sharing and explaining so clearly.



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