It’s no secret that introverts dislike conflict. We would rather stay silent than rock the boat. We tend to favor avoidance over confrontation. If the choice is between fight or flight, we usually choose the latter. Some of us will even go hungry trying to dodge a potential clash (I’ve dropped entire dress sizes while avoiding angry roommates).
Unfortunately, shrinking and fleeing from conflict isn’t productive. Unless you’re with Alice Dubois from The Medium (one of my all time favorite shows by the way), your partner can’t read your mind and neither can your friends.
Frightening as it may be, we actually have to open our mouths and let our feelings tumble out. We have to put our thoughts into words – several words, in fact, strung together into coherent sentences. This is not so easy for introverts.
Flipping through our phones, burying our noses in books, writing passive aggressive notes – that’s easy. Standing up for ourselves and verbalizing our feelings? Really freakin’ difficult. But (sigh) completely necessary.
A couple of years ago, I had a roommate who unexpectedly contracted a severe case of I-hate-Michaela syndrome. Instead of making pleasant (okay, it was never very pleasant) small talk when we passed each other in the common areas of the house, she gave me the silent treatment.
Me: “Hey, how are you?”
Angry Roommate: (…) averts eyes and walks away.
Me: “Hey, do you know where the broom is?”
Angry Roommate: (…) doesn’t reply, but throws the broom out of her room and into the hallway.
Me: “Umm, Angry Roommate, did I do something to upset you? Because I noticed you’re not talking to me and I don’t know why. I can’t read minds, so unless you tell me, I can’t do anything about it.”
Angry Roommate: (…)
A couple of weeks later, I found an extremely passive aggressive note on my door explaining why I was a horrible person. In the note, Angry Roommate harshly chastised me for wearing my shoes in the house and adding water to the liquid hand soap.
Can you guess what my reaction was?
Instead of laughing at the complete ridiculousness of the situation, I was wracked with guilt. Rather than marching up to her door and telling her she was being unreasonable, I shrunk away and hid. For three weeks. This is one of those instances where I literally lost weight while trying to avoid conflict.
I share this story to illustrate the flawed nature of both my roommate’s and my own approach to conflict. She should have told me how she felt from the beginning instead of leaving a nasty note on my door.
And what was my transgression?
By hiding away and avoiding her, I essentially gave her permission to disrespect me. I will forever regret what I did not say to Angry Roommate. She will never know that I found her behavior unacceptable. She won’t see my perspective or understand how she made me feel.
This experience changed the way I react to conflict. I made a promise to myself that from then on, if someone upset me, they would hear about it. Without yelling, or accusing, or blaming, I can now tell people how they make me feel. It still scares the sh** out of me, but I do it anyway.
I’ve discovered that introverts are actually at an advantage during disagreements because of our economy of words approach to communication. It only takes a few words to express your emotions and diffuse tension. Simply saying, “I feel [insert feeling here] and I do not like feeling this way” is very effective.
As introverts, we should never stay quiet if someone violates our dignity or just plain makes us feel bad. When we hide from conflict, we cover up our true thoughts and emotions. We might avoid an argument, but we also prevent the deeper connection that can result from open, honest communication.
When it comes to conflict, perhaps we don’t have to choose between fighting or fleeing. We can hold our ground peacefully and let our quiet voices be heard.
Your statement about how the experience changed how you respond to conflict sums up the whole conflict trauma very well. I really hate conflict but each incident helps me equip myself for the next one, IF I let it. I’ve rehearsed my responses in my mind so many times now that they seem natural but it hasn’t always been this way. It hasn’t been easy at times but it’s better than the gut wrenching, ‘roller coaster’ ride of emotions.
Hi Michaela,
Do you think that some women just get huffy for no reason? She sounds kind of
immature and emotionally unstable. Also, since you are a beautiful woman (I’m straight,
by the way) maybe she is jealous of the way you look? I think it’s silly how people get
offended by things, but it seems like a lot of women once they reach 20 or so, start seeing
other women as competition!
I’m pretty outgoing, but I HATE it when there are conflicts with others. I’m sure I might have done what you did to avoid conflicts!
Nice post! I could totally see myself, I’ve been avoiding a conflict with my mother in law and actually haven’t been eating for this reason :P…I am not sure if I can confront her, especially since I know that her reaction would be absolute drama.
Hi,
Being an introvert myself, I could totally feel the stress you were going through in the conversation with your roommate.
I for one will go to any length to avoid conflict with anybody for that matter. A lot of times i feel like I am being taken for a ride by everybody and am a total pushover. But now that I am a mom this behavior needs to change and I need to stand up if not for myself for my child. It is a scary thought for me at times, but am slowly getting there.
I’m in a relationship with a woman who does exactly this. Great woman with amazing qualities, but her avoidance to deal with what needs to be talked about & handled causes a lot of unnecessary issues. Now my examples aren’t quite like yours but more along the lines of communication in a relationship. I’m a very blunt & direct person, so it’s taking some time to adjust. I’m working my way towards meeting her halfway, but at the same time I need her to also do the same by understanding that communicating & being open rather than running away from necessary conversation is vital to healthy relationships.
Thanks for sharing your experience with this, Wallace. It’s great to hear that you’re so self-aware and you’re making an effort to grow in this area. 🙂
I love you so much you said how I feel exactly
Glad it resonated Kait! xo
Currently, I’m both you and your room mate. I chose to avoid my brother instead of confronting him about his bad behavior. He doesn’t fully understand me although he’s got an idea ’cause everyone at home has the same complaints about him. I’m the only one who chose this route to make a point and also to avoid further conflicts. I agree with you, though, that open and honest communication is the only solution. I just don’t trust him right now. I don’t believe it’s gonna be worth it to gather up all my energy and talk to him. I don’t see the point.
Thank you for this! I really struggle with conflict and tend to panic and completely withdraw and avoid the issue altogether which is absolutely unfair to the other person. I also struggle with attention – especially romantic attention bc I also panic, withdraw, and try to avoid the person at all costs bc I find it all so stressful. My rather unhealthy solution? Self isolation. I am trying to push through it but it makes me so stressed to the point of panic attacks and crying .. I think if I just keep working at it I will become better