Have you ever had an extroverted family member who really didn’t get your introversion?
This might have made family events uncomfortable, the holidays pure torture. Maybe you’ve thought that life would be less complicated if you were born into a family of introverts.
Quiet author Susan Cain’s upbringing in an introverted household certainly sounds idyllic. In her famous Ted Talk, she describes what it was like to grow up in a family of introverts:
“[I]n my family, reading was the primary group activity. And this might sound antisocial to you, but for us it was really just a different way of being social. You have the animal warmth of your family sitting right next to you, but you are also free to go roaming around the adventureland inside your own mind.”
Isn’t that a lovely image? Many introverts can only dream of such a cozy introvert-friendly family environment. In real life, we might come from a clan of extroverts, who think it’s rude to read in the company of others.
Or we grew up in a blended household of introverts and extroverts. Perhaps, talking was a hobby for mom, while avoiding conversation was a sport for dad. Or maybe grandpa was a jovial trickster, always ‘stealing’ your nose, and pulling coins out of your ear. Meanwhile, grandma sat on the sidelines, quietly crafting those creepy little fabric dolls you had to pretend to like.
On the verge of self-destruction
My family is artsy on one side, and Asian on the other, so introversion was the norm in our household. It wasn’t until I spent a Christmas with my Mexican stepfather’s family a few years ago that my introverted ‘strangeness’ stood out.
Ven, comer con nosotros … bailar con nosotros … beber con nosotros … vamos a divertirnos! (come, eat with us … dance with us … drink with us … let’s have fun!), they’d say.
Except, it wasn’t fun. Maybe for the first hour or so, but they often danced and drank and ate (usually all at once) until 3am. The whole family would join in the ‘fun’, including 82 year-old abuelita.
Mexicans really milk the holiday season for all it’s worth, so by about day 13 of endless fiestas, I was on the verge of self-destruction. I had to start saying “no” to protect my sanity. Then of course I felt terrible for withdrawing while they were being so warm and welcoming. Mental breakdowns are especially inconvenient when caused by excessive kindness.
Dealing with family pressure over the holidays
A large part of coping with pressure from extroverted family members is learning to find the balance between honoring both our family and ourselves. One thing I always tell my introvert students and clients is to communicate their needs before their energy is depleted.
It’s hard to explain why want to leave early when we’re already irritable and eager to escape. When you receive the invite, you can say something like, “I might need to leave early so I can have some time to myself to recharge.” It helps if they understand what an introvert is and that your need for alone is a necessity rather than a preference.
Usually, the main reason family is offended by our introverted ways is because they take things personally. They think that we don’t care. Explaining our introversion beforehand prevents hurt feelings, while allowing us to sneak away quietly.
Over to you
What were the holidays like for you growing up?
Do you come from a family of innies or outties?
Please share your experiences below. 🙂
Xo,
I think that your article is very interesting. I grew up in a family that is very extroverted, my parents and sister are almost opposite of me and my brother is somewhat introverted. My extended family is also hugely extroverted, whereas I am very introverted. There was definitely challenges growing up and my family has not understood very well why I am so different or why I need time alone. You always have a few family members that want to drive you up the wall have no clue as to understanding and it seems like their goal in life is to drive you insane. It takes some work to deal with the pressures sometimes, but the introversion is truly a gift and a blessing! I have abilities to think through things, analyze things, and superior mindset that most people can’t comprehend.
I come from a family of ambiverts. They don’t really overwhelm me and they don’t make an issue of my introversion (I’m the only innie in the family, I’m the eldest and I have 3 younger brothers) but they’ve always thought I’m weird. There have been times and there are still times when they make fun of me (my imagination when I was a kid and now my huge need for solitude) and of course it hurt me, it hurts me still. But somehow I have used this image of being the weird one as my own brand and instead of acting like it’s a defect, I’ve capitalized on it. I use it to give myself more permission to pursue creative projects, carve my own career path, dress the way I want, be silly and funny, pursue the interests that I want and make unconventional decisions for myself. Slowly, I’ve started to appreciate what I contribute in my family, that I don’t have to be like everybody to fit in and be loved, that my unique energy is what I can offer and what they need as well.
Beautiful, good for you for embracing your nature! 🙂
I’m Brazilian and most people here are not only extrovert, but invasive. And they really don’t get why you need a time to yourself, they say it’s bullshit. It’s very hard to be an introvert in Brazil… People talk very loud, there are a lots of hugs and kisses, too much small talk… Sounds like a piece of hell at your home.
I’ve always loved my Italian relatives. But they were an introvert’s nightmare! The noisy parties at my grandparents’ house were so much fun with all my cousins. The adults were louder than the kids. Other times, drop-in company of anywhere from three to ten people and the intrusions into my private life were not fun, especially when I was a teenager and trying to exert my independence. I remember being so annoyed and offended when I was just three years old and had been injured while playing. While my mother was bathing me, my grandparents and uncle came over and peered into the bathroom to check out the head injury! I’m still surprised at how offended I was at only three. I still abhor surprise visitors. When we visited, I had to go around and kiss people in greeting when arriving and leaving. Sometimes I wasn’t in the mood for that and found it tiresome. But the beach and park outings and all of the celebrations made good memories to balance out the irritation from other times.
I come from India and have not come across a person as introverted as me in my family, extended family or even friends.
I have a hard time here because people do not understand introversion and keep asserting their opinions on others which is very annoying because of the need to think and act independently.
Most people, misinterpret my aloofness and quietness.
I have tried to make my mother understand my needs for non-interference, silences and my personal time which has helped me a little bit.
Overall, it is difficult to even strike a balance here because of the imposition of opinions of other people.
Regards!
I am one of the most massively introverted people I have ever known. Seriously. I’m a musician – a jazz musician at that, think childhoods alone practicing – and even among my introverted brethren I tend to be the most ‘loner’ in nature. Very rarely do I meet someone who is as much or more introverted than myself, and they are easy to spot when you are one. Anyways, I have had A LOT of trouble in relationships, including my current marriage to a highly extroverted person. We also have young children andthe candle has been burning fast at both ends for three years now. Your phrase ‘let them know it’s a need vs preference’ is something I have not communicated well. I am often criticized for being selfish and perhaps I am. But, emotional needs like this seem to be most often misunderstood by the masses. Thanks for some insight and a good idea for self-betterment.