There are many things that extroverts have a difficult time understanding about introverts. But there is one aspect of our personality that they find especially perplexing.
The thing about introverts that a lot of extroverts will never understand is that our personality has multiple layers. When they first meet us, many extroverts assume that we are the same around strangers and acquaintances as we are with close friends.
If we are reserved and quiet, they assume that we are always reserved and quiet . If we are sociable and engaging, they think we are always sociable and engaging.
When I am with strangers, I generally behave in one of two ways:
- If I have the energy, I am friendly, animated and engaging.
- If I am feeling overwhelmed, drained or out of my element, I am more quiet and reserved.
The people who meet me in scenario #1 assume that I am an extrovert, and don’t know how to react when my introverted tendencies emerge.
Those who meet me in scenario #2 believe that I am shy or “have no personality”. They can’t imagine that I am confident, silly, and quite bold with the people I hold dearest.
The bottom line is that most extroverts simply don’t understand that introverts behave differently in public than they do with the people they love and trust the most.
Why we hide our “best stuff”
According to Laurie Helgoe, author of Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength, “introverts keep their best stuff inside.”
This is a stark contrast to many extroverts who put it all out there for the world to see. This isn’t to say that extroverts don’t have multiple layers of depth, too. It’s just that it takes more time to unravel the layers of an introvert’s personality.
Introverts want to know if someone is true friend material before we begin disrobing our personality. In other words, we want some sort of indication that the relationship is worth investing in.
The thing about introverts is that popularity contests aren’t our gig. We would rather have a few real friends (VIPs, as I like to call them) who will accept us for who we are, than hoards of acquaintances, who only see what they want to see.
Which brings me to my next point:
Some people don’t want to see beyond the surface
There are a lot of shallow swimmer out there. These people prefer to keep things light and superficial. They are content to gossip, chitchat and make endless amounts of small talk without ever going beyond the surface. Truly getting to know us isn’t on their agenda.
Why would we bother trying to reveal the truth of who we are to such people? It would be a waste of our precious energy.
The time delay in introvert relationships
Even with the people that we trust and care about, it takes time for introverts to open up. It can take a lifetime to reveal the depth of who we are. The right people will understand that slowly peeling back the layers of our personality is a privilege.
And it can be oh so delicious.
The poem “Mon Semblable” by Stephen Dunn beautifully expresses the merits of “holding some back”:
Anonymous among strangers
I look for those
with hidden wings,
and for scars
that those who once had wings
can’t hide.
Though I know it’s unfair,
I reveal myself
one mask at a time.
Does this appeal to you,
such slow disclosures,
a lifetime perhaps
of almost knowing one another?
I would hope you, too,
would hold something back
Does anyone else share my sentiments about any of the above? Do you also prefer a “slow disclosure” approach to relationships?
Do you find that some extroverts have a difficult time believing that your personality has multiple layers?
I would love to hear your thoughts.
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“The thing about introverts is that popularity contests aren’t our gig.” – So, so true! When I was younger I assumed that I was competing for the same epic goal as my peers, to scale to the top of the “social” mountain by emulating the ideal extrovert (or attempting to poorly).
Later on, I realized how these types of activities were just something that extroverts will do to satisfy their own needs. They crave “the chase”, just like introverts crave creative thinking, sometimes without having any specific purpose in mind. After seeing things this way, I finally realized that I had shown up at the wrong gig, and what a relief that was. 🙂
Hi Phillip, so glad you can relate to this! I love the way you expressed your experience with this. Well said. And great to here that you’ve found your real gig. 😉
I guess I could relate to it both literally and figuratively. Along the way I also realized that I much preferred being in the studio producing instead of fronting the band, so I really did need to find my gig. Thanks again for the post 🙂
ok…im almost getting the idea that introverts are above meeting their extrovert partners half way and that the world should try to figure u guys out..without reciprocation. it’s almost a precocious mannerism. so I beg someone to show me the light…u guys crave extroverts as partners but use the piece u need from us and do away with us until u r recharged…like cats. lol…i get all the characteristics and the backing off n giving space…but it seems like we wait on your needs without getting an ounce back. There has to be a balance…
I agree with you 100%! I, myself, am an extrovert and my bf is definitely an introvert. We are opposites. Our relationship has been a big struggle at times. One example ~ He is completely happy and content playing a game on his phone or scrolling through Facebook, while watching a tv show or movie with me, but he’s not really with me, he’s in his own world on the other end of the couch. I feel this is so disrespectful, but I shouldn’t take it personally or be hurt from it because he’s an introvert and is expected/“allowed” to act this way towards me!!! WTH?! ??♀️
Thats a very interesting notion, but its much deeper than that and saying that an introvert will simply “do away” with an extrovert is a little precarious in itself. Introverts simply find it harder to open up or they don’t want to lay every part of themselves out for others to see. I’d say this is one of the big differences between the two personality groups, and honestly you can’t change your personality so I’m sorry if I find it slightly silly that you attack us for that. Of course, I do understand where you’re coming from, but I think its more complex
I don’t understand how being an introvert has anything to do, per se, with “feeling above” anyone. There is a fundamental difference in how the two types learn and how / why we exist in social settings. Introverts and extroverts are not defined by how superior they feel at all. Even narcissism isn’t defined as feeling above anyone else, but as feeling that they are better/smarter than they really are (although probably as a means to feel that they are better than others, granted). The sentiment I feel from extroverts is that they tend to act personally dragged down by introverts when we attend a social gathering, when in fact our exquisite consideration for others and our predisposition to blame ourselves for the negativity we can feel from extroverts, makes it feel rather certain to us that social gatherings are events that are to be avoided. It takes a specific crowd to engage us, a small and familiar group who is ready to discuss deeper topics than generally happen at an extrovert social gathering. Get us in a forum where we can write our communications, and as you can see it’s harder for us to shut up. We aren’t discussing the weather or how we can’t believe that Jenny wore such a slutty shirt, though.
I absolutely agree 100% with your thoughts here nat! I am an extrovert married to an introvert for over a decade. My husband liked and loved me for my outgoing and bubbly personality and mentions that he enjoys it……… but there’s no reciprocation! Introverts are not expressive, maintain their own space, as if they are closed books or a big secret that its a herculean task to unfold/unravel them from within……. along the journey the extrovert is obviously gonna get tired and will give up one day…….. just don’t let that day come dear introverts!!
Wow Phillip! I never thought of it that way. I get aggrivated when extroverts like & comment on everything on social media and wonder how in the world do they know EVERYBODY!? But you are right, I’m at the wrong gig. That ain’t my gig and I can be ok with that. So good!! Thanks!
Why does no one ever talk about the fact that Extroverts (especially sensing types) think the outside world IS the end all and be all, and that their energy flows outward towards the world, while the energy of the introvert is flowing toward another world entirely -the inner one?
Off all the things that get me into trouble with other people, my layered nature is the most prominent.
For the most part, my mood is placid. But three people could meet me at three different times in the day and walk away with an impression of three different people.
One could walk away with the idea that I’m terribly dull. The other could walk away with the idea that I’m pretty warm and personable. And the last could think I’m cold and somewhat hostile.
Of course, none of them would be wrong but not entirely correct. Those are all traits I show, but it’s only by getting close to me that you would see how these parts interplay to make up my whole as well as what context makes them appear.
It’s also how you would discover the layers not mentioned. As much as I hate being dismissed because of a first impression, I can kind of understand why. Who intrigues us at all says as much about us as it does about them.
For example, I get along with people well enough, but those I let in tend not to be the gossiping type, because that makes me uncomfortable. And in turn, my relative intensity makes *them* uncomfortable. The trouble is that when we bump into someone new, we’re missing a whole lot of context.
And some just aren’t observant enough—or don’t *want* to be, ’cause it’s hard—that they don’t bother fiddling with the Rubik’s Cube of personality and prefer to think of it as already solved. 😛
Hell, on my depleted days I don’t really have the patience to decide if someone having a vapid discussion actually *is* vapid, or if they’re just having a particularly vapid moment. Thus, they get labelled wholesale as “vapid.”
And that’s not really fair. Examining the reasons why other people might want to tread the water has done a lot to help me understand why I find it boring. It has also made me more appreciative of the people who see the stillness and still want to test the depth.
Long comment is looong, by the way. Hope that isn’t a problem.
Thanks for your insights on this. I like how you described people’s different reactions at different parts of the day. I can completely relate to this. Early morning and Late at night you’re not likely to see the most friendly version of me.
Exactly!. Feels like we have multiple personality. I’ve heard once my colleagues talk about me ‘ I don’t understand why she never talk to us. She just smile and say ‘hi’, thats it! As a result, they ignore me completely. I feel bad about it. Just because I talk to certain people who makes me comfortable, it doesn’t mean I don’t like other people.
I really enjoyed your long comments and completely see where you are coming from!
“Hey guys, look how introverted I am with my massive blog about how introverted I am” All smells a bit of attention seeking, get over yourself….
Wow, my very first hater. Yay! A true sign that my website is growing and making its mark. Thanks Billy, for the backhanded compliment. You’re right, it is a massive blog and it’s growing everyday! And I’m incredibly proud of that. Cheers. 😉
Billy, did you know that there are more introverts in the world than extroverts? Don’t be jelly! 🙂
Hey guys, look how stereotypically “small talk” the extrovert sounds as he demonstrates his knowledge about what introvert means, what they prefer to communicate about and how they prefer to communicate. Maybe he will gain the wisdom to find where his problem lies while talking about “them tig ol’ bitties on Donna” at his next social gathering. Get into yourself, man. It’s probably not what you think, but you have your ways to avoid learning as all humans do.
Not really, we’d rather be left alone to Renergize so we can fit into your world to just get by
Yes! This post is dead-on. There is such beauty in layered personalities, and many times, it feels hard to find true friendship amidst so many superficial ones. Here in Jersey, it’s hard with everyone hurrying to get to the next thing, when a deep conversation and a night in are the ideal introvert activity. It’s so interesting the differences between both parties, and also so interesting how we can work together so well and balance one another at the same time. Beautiful post, I loved and agreed with every bit of it! 🙂
I totally agree with you. I just stumbled upon this blog and feel like I have found a place where I can breathe. I also agree that as introverts, it can be extremely challenging to find people to trust and open up to. Many people don’t have the patience or understanding to truly get to know an introvert. Despite the challenges we face socially, I love being an introvert! We see life with a third dimension. 🙂
I know this is kind of late in the game so I doubt you will even see this but I’ve seen plenty of these things extroverts need to understand lists and they are really starting to irritate me. I just think social interaction is a two way street and these lists make it seem like introverts don’t want to do any of the work. No relationship will ever work if people aren’t willing to offer a bit of compromise.
You see lots of these lists because many extroverts have a hard time understanding introverts, whereas it is much easier for an introvert to understand an extrovert’s needs. If you feel you understand, and it doesn’t feel good to read these kinds of articles, then don’t.
Question is, what is “the work?”
This is exactly the sort of thing that separates introverts and extroverts, and that drives introverts nuts about extroverts.
For extroverts, “the work” is socializing—talking, smiling, going places. They refuse to see any other “work” at all.
For introverts, “the work” is getting to know someone completely, in all situations.
Speaking as an introvert, it’s the *extroverts* that don’t want to do “the work.” The work of getting to know someone. The work of meeting me halfway, of experiencing my world, too.
Extroverts see space, reflective exchanges, and silent co-presence as the *absence* of something. Frankly they see it as the absence of *anything*. And in seeing things that way, they completely devalue everything that matters most to their introvert friends.
Extroverts see introverts’ entire lives as “doing and saying nothing.” Well those things are not nothing for introverts, they are the *important* things, the things that are *real* interaction. The things that are *meaningful*. And extroverts just don’t seem to care, and can’t be bothered to invest the time. The moment things quiet down, extroverts disappear.
Introverts *regularly* sigh and suck it up and join extroverts for a night out to do some of “the work” to be in the extrovert world, to support their extrovert friends. Does it ever run in the other direction? Not in my experience. Does an extrovert ever just come over for a few hours of quiet time? If they even turn up, they never stop talking. They refuse to join the introvert in their world.
It’s the extroverts who won’t do “the work” to meet in the middle. The introverts invariably do their part by going to the party for six hours. And then the extroverts never stay for the other half of the deal, the six hours of quiet togetherness; they breezily blow off after 15 minutes to somewhere else, and listen to not a single word that escapes the introvert’s lips during that time. No party? No listen, no stay.
“Well, nothing is going on here, so—”
You want someone to do the work? The extroverts need to wake up and do some of the work of maintaining friendships with introverts for a change!
I am an extrovert, I can’t speak for the rest, but I have to respectfully disagree on most of your post.
(I’m currently in love with a introvert, ive been reading and learning a lot about introversion). I’ve been patiently waiting for something to happen, have had many progress but also many set backs. I’ve read some post suggesting that introverts requires encouragement and subtle hints. (My sister and dad are Innies that I didn’t realised for a long time).
But here’s the thing, I feel like I’m doing all the work, I get no hints or encouragement verbally from the Innies on how I’m tracking. I constantly have to draw information out of them. But if I get too fast, I get an accusation of prying/going too fast. I send many SMS only to expect 1% respond rate. I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. I get no encouragement or warnings that they want to go into hiding or how long for. I feel like Innies set the terms and pace, the boundaries, but give no verbal directions or encouragement.
If I want to get to know you, at least give some back, anything minute is fine. But hitting a brickwall whenever Innies feel like hiding and ignores all SMS is not fine!
Believe me, it’s easier speaking with strangers than getting to know an Innie. If u don’t want to know me, fine. Say so. Getting to know me and vice versa and then suddenly I’m speaking to a brickwall, not being an adult and say:”I need time to chill, I’ll get back to u” is not fine.
RANT OVER
I am an introvert married to my best friend, an extrovert. As an introvert my thing is that when I come home from work after being friendly, and smiling, and making my customers feel awesome….I just want to come home and like NOT be bothered. However I have a family so I have to make myself be more intentional about engaging, interacting, playing a board game (which I hate), etc because I love my family and I don’t want my selfish introverted qualities to make them feel like I don’t love them. I will often just get up early or lay in bed after everyone is asleep and just get some ” me” time. One of my biggest marital fights is that I play on my phone when the family is watching a movie lol but in my defense since I do not EVER get time to myself that’s my quiet time. Like I crave the time alone with just me so bad!! It’s kind of stupid that I got married and had children when I think back at how much I just enjoy the peace and silence. But at the same time… What would I live for if I didn’t have them by my side. Because that husband and kids are my whole world.
Hi Joyce, A quick response to your message, which you may not see but it will be applicable for a long, long time if you happen to stay with your introvert.
I’ve been married to a caring, kind, introvert for almost 25 years. For the first 10 years or so I waited for his layers to be revealed. It was incredibly challenging. Surprise? They’re still a mystery to me. Either they don’t fully come forth or other layers overlap and change. Maybe it’s shame, fear, a coping mechanism or just a different approach to people. I don’t know; but it’s who he is.
For years it felt unfair and selfish for him not to share his deep inner thoughts with me. I thought it was a lack of interest or commitment. I wondered if I should be with someone who thinks and behaves more like me. (I don’t consider myself a complete extrovert but comparatively, I am.)
Over the years, I’ve come to accept and realize this is completely normal and familiar behavior. He feels it’s invasive and selfish for people to expect him to share. Maybe it is? (which by the way, he didn’t say this, I surmised.) At this point in time, I am his safety net; someone he can be with his own thoughts even if not shared. (again my own interpretation, not from him) He is an individual in a team, not a group thinker, very much an independent forced to navigate a world of dependents.
Your guy might be different and he may be able to share more depth with you at some point. Or you might decide you want someone different. From my experience, though, people in your life rarely change the way you envision..the only thing that might change is your perception of them. Good luck.
Hi joyce,
I see your point and you’re right we do those things. I have committed all of sins you mention?. I like to apologize to you, I can see that you have genuinely tried, and I can see how frustrating it can be.
Please do not take it pernal, it just that sometimes we can’t help it, verbal communication is hard for us, unless we are in the right setting.
Trust me when I tell that many of us appreciate an extrovert effort to get know us and in time if pays off. Don’t quit though or you might never see the fruit of your effort.
You are right in that we need to communicate more verbally, as no one is a mind reader.
Joyce, with all due respect, your comments are similar to my male extroverted friend. It drives me crazy when he expects me to be like him. If I’m quiet for over 2 minutes, he asks why. If I don’t put myself out there to talk to strangers, he’s always saying that I don’t know how to make friends. If I don’t want to go to crowded places, I’m a stick in the mud. His demoralizing comments affected my self esteem and I began to feel like I had a problem. When I started reading articles from Michaela, I realized that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and there are other people in the world similar to my personality. I don’t know about any other introvert but if someone constantly tries to push me to be anyone other than myself, it’s less stressful, not having them around.
I’m sorry to hear these generalizations. I lean toward extrovert in some ways and I am a deeply thoughtful person who wants to go the distance emotionally, socially, spiritually. I have a friend who I’ve been very close to for a couple of years. She is a self-described introvert, her husband even more so. I have not found her commitment to going the distance to be reliable. The friendship is more centered on her needs as far as communication goes, emotional expression, etc. She rides on my comfort in organizing, planning, initiating, inviting. I invite conversation, any type of communication, emotional expression, affection. A few months ago I hit a rough patch for the first time since knowing her. I tried to share with her, she pulled back and declared me ‘needy’. I took a break from trying to connect with her because I needed to manage the rest of my life. We haven’t been able to get back on even footing and I realize now that it wasn’t the greatest balance to begin with. She claims introversion and wants to stay close, but she doesn’t reach out to me, doesn’t meet me halfway, our friendship rides on what I can offer as a base. This just feels like poor social skills and lack of interest in giving to another from time to time. It’s incredibly painful. She felt seen because I put in that effort and interest. That was most certainly not reciprocated. No wonder I always felt a little nervous and off balance.
I have to agree with this experience with some introverts. I had an introvert friend for years and I had to do all the work to initiate, to keep in touch, to check in, to make plans etc. In the end, I just got tired of doing all the work and felt unappreciated so I stopped making the effort. Guess what? She never contacted me again and that was the end of our friendship. So either that person had the worst social skills in the world, wasn’t actually interested in the friendship or didn’t appreciate me. Honestly, I stopped caring because I deserved to be shown respect and appreciation. Even an introvert can communicate that. It is simple respect.
Aron, you have a very good point of view and probably exactly what i was looking for. I just started dating a guy who is an introvert and i was getting so frustrated bc he would come visit me and put in a lot of effort and then go home and disappear for a few days. I felt like he was going MIA and i could barely get any conversation out of him. but now i understand that maybe it’s okay to join him in his “silent time” and not to take offense to it. Thank you. P.S. I am very much the extrovert and he the introvert. I’m adjusting myself to this to keep my friend/ boyfriend in my circle.
In Billy’s comment, there seems to be the underlying misconception that “introverts don’t communicate”. Yes we do. A lot. Our way to do it is just different from the extroverted way. The Internet is particularly suitable for our needs. So, we may be quiet, but we definitely won’t shut up!
Hi, Mika. Yea you’re true. Our talking is different than what most extroverts do. I also being talkative in social medias, handwritings and actions. I don’t speak much in words, but I can be talkative in words when it comes to people who I’m totally comfortable to be with and trustworthy.
That is so true. I am an extrovert/ambivert and I have a very small group of friends mainly made up of introverts. From all of them my bf is by far the most reclusive but also the most socially needy (which used be really exhausting before I got him some other extroverted friends who are able to suffocate him with love). I rarely witness any of these friends, especially my bf talking to one another even though they do like each other. But when I do, they tend to tell me they had really interesting deep conversations with each other. I, having been with the whole time of the conversation between them, get really confused because they each made at most five statements and then just kept quiet for the rest of the time.
My boyfriend being so introverted that even most introverts get annoyed by him, tends to tell me these grandiose stories about how socially active he was and how he had amazing conversation with some of the other introverts. When I ask him what about he normally just shrugs, which in the beginning I just accepted as a sign of wanted privacy. So then when I tell my introverted friends he had told me about their conversation the other day and seemed really exited about it, they tend to get really confused and ask me what conversation I am referring to.
So, after a bit of inquisiting, i find out he hadn’t said anything to them on that specific day, apart from greeting them. Turns out my to my bf a good conversation is saying anything at all to certain people.
I think to me this just shows the beautiful differences and quirks everyone has about socializing. Introvert doesn’t equal introvert just as Extrovert doesn’t equal Extrovert.
When it comes to conversations, to some people the effort counts, to some the amount of words is important, some care most about quality or quantity of information, to some the way of presentation says more than the words spoken.
Sorry if my grammar or my commas are wrong. I’m german and commas are really are a struggle for me when it comes to the English language. ?
I dont even know how I stumbled onto this page, but Im glad I did, I have found my own kind. Feels great kinda like mutants being accepted into Xavier’s mutant school,you no longer feel like an outcast, you start to feel like a SUPERHERO!!!! FEELS F*×@CKIN’ AWESOME, sorry 4 the language
Haha glad you found us! xo
I was thinking about this today! Thank you for this article Michaela, it spoke to me in so many levels. It bothers me so much when people assume things about me from what they see in the beginning of our relationship. They keep telling me how shy, sweet and quiet I am, but, what they don’t understand, is that those qualities don’t apply to all that I am. It’s just like you said, I can be pretty talkative, bold and energetic, but only at home, with people I absolutely trust. By the way, I love the e-mails you usually send over the weekends as well. Thanks again!
Yes, I totally agree with this. And for me, this is one of the most difficult things when I try to be part of something: I’m not good at small talk, I’m not good at presentations, but… If I’m there because I love doing something, I’ll be very expressive when it comes to it. For example, I love swimming, so I’m like a different person when I’m near the water. Or I’m good with children; I can play with them, run, jump, and laugh like I was a kid, and that’s something some people doesn’t imagine about me. It’s funny because I’ve worked with charity institutions whose leaders were very doubtful about my capacity to interact with the people they were helping.
And once they know about some new aspect about me, it comes the difficult part.
Some people take it in an overwhelming way. They act like “wow, this is amazing. After you have spend some time with us you have change for the better. You’re more open now.” It’s like they want to feel my saviors. And then, they assume that I’m going to be an extrovert from that on. They wrong, of course. I didn’t change. It was that they didn’t know me that well before. I still don’t like small talk, or presentations, or talking about gossip. So they try to tell me why I should be all the time like that one aspect of me. When they realize I don’t want to be different, they say I’m a very proud person. It’s so tiring. I want to be who I want to be, not the person they wish me to be. Because why’s wrong to be just me?
Once a friend told me that I was very strange, that sometimes I was as silly as a two years old and other times I was as boring as her grandmother.
Sometimes it’s so tiring that I wonder if I should be the quiet version of me all the time, keeping everything to myself. And save me all the trouble of being as contradicting as I can be. Still I can’t. I can’t help it. I’d do everything again. I’ll be the jolliest and loudest person when I’m doing something I really love and I’ll be an insightful and quiet person when I feel like it. Above that, I’m even glad to be the awkward person that doesn’t know what to say sometimes.
It’s really difficult to understand introvert, I’ve trying to be patience and supportive to an introvert guy, he will find a reason to message me almost everyday, but he doesn’t want to hang out with me. Recently he seems to open up more, but after that incident a month ago, which we kissed but I refused to go further with him, he asked why I rejected him? Ever since he doesn’t want to hang out. He said: He’d love to, but he can’t have a repeat of last time.
Are we going to stuck in this forever?
That’s how they are…. Once happened to me, and he got mad at me after I. Didn’t give in to move with him to the next level. And when they lie, you can easily know.
Do introverts love, if so how can one be sure about this?
They tend to hide so many things about them until you find out by yourself.
I’m aware that they do like deep talks which I understand can annoy them.
How can one control they’re tamper?
i have a friend who’s an introvert, i as an extrovert would love to know ways to interact with him without stressing him or exhaust him, he’s so important to me so please could you help me
This blog is so interesting. I’m glad I found it! I’m not really sure if I’m an introvert or extrovert, to be honest. I tend to score to the extroverted side of the spectrum when I’ve taken the MBTI, but also have a lot of control-freak tendencies, which sound more introverted. For instance, I hate people barging into my office unannounced, interrupting me to chat or expecting me to talk on the phone for 45 minutes in the middle of my work day. Anyway, as a (probable) extrovert, I do get confused when very introverted friends of mine are so open and talkative with ME, but then very quiet and reserved in a group, especially with new people. I’m like, “Where is my fun, outgoing friend?”
To build on what I said above: The more I think about it, the more I realize how differently my several close introverted friends act with me alone, vs in a group. For instance, I have one friend (we’ll call her Sue) who tests as INFJ. She’s very creative and cool, in a writer’s workshop and always writing or drawing. So, to reflect what you said, when I’m with Sue one on one, we’ll talk and talk. She lets me draw more personal things out of her the longer we know each other, and I find her fascinating. HOWEVER, if Sue joins a group of us out at a party or a bar, she will likely listen (politely and sweetly), but not share much about herself. It is a lot like an onion, peeling back a layer at a time! I love all my friends, introverted and extroverted, so I’m happy to make the effort! The only people I really can’t handle are the ones who NEVER tell you anything about themselves, year after year. They drive me bonkers!! I either think they’re secretly hiding something, or they hate me, or think they’re superior and are looking down on my chatty personality. Whatever the reason, it’s no fun to hang out with someone who NEVER shares anything…
Well, I have always tested high on these personality tests for introvert/extrovert. I usually come up as 82-87 percent introvert. I know that I dislike small talk and socializing in general unless I know you. But, I can play an orchestra concert. Love my violin. I know my part. I can give a lecture to my college class after I have spend hours in preparation. I love to discuss certain topics in length, but will not do so unless I am comfortable around you. I guess my introvert tendencies make me shy away from social media — which I generally hate. I also resist using my cell phone. I just like living in the country on my small farm, dealing with my chickens and teaching at a small local college — peaceful and no stress.
This article describes me very well. I tend to not have a “slow disclosure” approach. In fact, I put 150% in trying to get people to know me and understand me, not in an extroverted way by any means, but I find that if I have any indication that someone has no reciprocation, I retreat quickly. And then I swear that I won’t try again. Yet, there I am, pushing forward again soon afterwards.
I feel kind of disappointed with the article, at least a tad. But I am rather shocked about some of the comments I have read as a response. I feel like the article does cater to the introvert by expressing a lot of emotions and thoughts on social experiences with extroverts. I always support that and think it is definitely needed. On the other hand I find it hard to agree with many things said in the article and comment section about extroverts and introverts alike. This is due to the fact that all the statements and arguments are very binary and thus ignorant and potentially offensive. I feel like a lot of experiences described by the author aren’t introvert problems at all but general social issues. It should have been made more clear that the article describes a way of feeling and interpretation of encounters with extroverts, instead of facts. I don’t know if the author has informed herself about MBTI, which I highly recommend her to do, because it can give a lot of insight about extroversion and introversion on a more diverse scale. Of course it’s categorization is broader than the binary understanding of in- and extroversion, but it is still to narrow to be applied for judging other people but yourself. (I do enjoy the fun of guessing peoples personality types, but I have seen people horribly misuse it to bully and exclude people so I wouldn’t recommend it.)
Also I am really disappointed by some of my fellow extroverts in the comment section for being so petty. There is no reason to get so defensive as to get rude. People here identify with this article because they get uncomfortable with many social expectations and need this kind of exchange to feel validated in their personality aswell as to know they are not alone with this feeling. If this article offends you as an extrovert it is your duty to express your feelings in a constructive way so that misconceptions and misunderstandings can be cleared up. If you behave inappropriately, you just feed the stereotypes that we fellow extroverts suffer from.
Now, I would like to point out that as we live in a society based on binary bias (yes & no, male & female, white & nonwhite) it is important to not fall into the same pattern of thinkomg if you have been a victim of it before. But to free oneself from other people’s judgement, one has to try and not use the same simpleminded means of judgement.
Instead of putting people in boxes to determine what is different between each other we have to find our commonalities and focus on those.
And the primary commonality that we all share to make us think in categories of two is simply precariousness.
Introverts tend to share less or less frequently, this is their way of protectinh themselves. They spectate and evaluate situations and people before sharing, to decide whom they can trust, what is appropriate to say, and so on.
Extroverts do pretty much the same thing. The difference is that they converse to get to know people and decide whom they can trust. They try out what is appropriate to say and not to say by pushing buttons, and so on.
These are just ways to protect yourself from others.
If you are an extrovert and get annoyed by an introverts unresponsiveness, it just shows your own insecurities of not knowing what people think or feel about you. But you will never truly know, so don’t get upset about people seemingly ignoring your attempted approach and don’t try to hard.
But don’t try to refrain from pushing at all, some introverts actually enjoy us trying to get them out of their comfort zone. They often admire and appreciate our ability to socially engage so easily. And just because an introvert needs a lot of alone time it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like social contact at all. It is true that we put in “more work” when it comes to verbally and socially engaging. But nobody forces us to. That is who we are and not a job that is given to us by lazy introverts XD.
And if you are an introvert please don’t get offended when extroverts comment on your silence. If they constantly ask you if everything is ok, or if you are feeling unwell, it doesn’t mean they don’t respect you being introverted and you don’t have to put on an act to make sure they don’t worry. They ask because they care and are aware of their inability to read your very discrete hints. Just give a clear yes or no or I don’t want to talk about it. If you say yes, expect them to ask: are you sure. This is absolutely nothing personal. We all might say yes just so we won’t be bothered. Extroverts aren’t unaware of that. So they will just worry that you might not be telling the truth because the have done something wrong. That doesn’t have to to be your concern though, you can’t change their uncertainty. If their remarks are actually rude, then this is mostly a way of trying to push you to talk out of personal insecurity. Extroverts often hate not to know how they are perceived and they’d rather make you give a negative response to their comments then not knowing what you think at all. Because you do have to realize that though most extroverts actually share way less about themselves than introverts, the still share some of it right from the beginning to many many people in trade for social interaction. This makes them a lot more vulnerable and thus insecure, since they offer a piece of their identity for others to evaluate and react to. So getting no response at all can make the push harder, get more offensive or dorky and just create some very awkward situations. So please don’t accuse us of being superficial because some of us just because some of us chitchat, small talk or gossip lightheartedly and pressure you to do so aswell. This is just OUR way of not telling YOU what we feel you don’t deserve to know, because a lot of us do have the need to get interaction but sharing our actual thoughts and feelings is something completely different. Our “trivial talk” is the same as your silence and it ist mostly very aware of our small talk being superficial.
Now being superficial as a person is something entirely different, you see. And it has nothing to do with being introverted or extroverted.
It is hard to take an introvert seriously, who doesn’t like being judged solely on their introversion, because the other doesn’t know how deep their thoughts and feelings are, but manages to label extroverts as superficial based on purely superficial observations of their conversation habits.
I was really sad to read all these generalizing, absolute statements about what is going on in the introverted or extroverted mind that had nothing to do with either of these concepts. I had really hoped to see some more understanding and support for each other in the comment section.
For me, it’s not about energy, batteries, whatever. If anyone ask me question about hobby or profession I could talk about 25/8, even when tired.
But everyone asking me uninteresting things istead and I also dont like when people distract me with useless talk when I’m self reflecting or trying to learn something (read or watch video tutorial)
I’m an introvert and I don’t mind extroverts unless they won’t stop commenting on how quiet I am. Then I’ll be quiet because that person is putting unwanted attention on me and at that point yeah I’m pretty mad at them. This kind of behavior is not helpful. It puts pressure on me to be someone that I’m not. If they keep pushing me to talk more I will eventually go out of my way to avoid them so I don’t have to put up with the “you’re quiet” speech over and over again. They wouldn’t be the first person to point that out and they won’t be the last. I’ve dealt with this type of person since middle school and no one has been able to fix me yet. If you wanna help a quiet person just keep talking to them. Don’t make a big deal about how quiet they are. Stop telling them that they need to come out of their shell. They’ll come out when they’re comfortable around you. You wanna talk to me? Just come up and talk to me. I don’t mind, but I’m not going to just start talking to you unless I think I have something interesting to say. I feel like when I just start talking about something random that I’m annoying you. I’ve gotten so self conscious about being too quiet that I’ve been in therapy for 6 months trying to fix myself. I’ve been diagnosed with social anxiety and am currently taking Prozac and Wellbutrin just to help with my depression and anxiety. I’m becoming less shy and am starting to talk to strangers a little bit, but I still get nervous and quiet sometimes. I’ve seen so many people here complaining that introverts don’t put in enough effort in relationships. If you don’t want to put in the effort, then stop trying. Just leave that person alone if their personality bothers you so much. I can tell you for me it’s simply something I don’t think about. I don’t think about sharing my day or month or whatever with another person unless they’re right there in front of me and I’ve known them for a really long time. Otherwise, I assume you don’t want to hear about it unless something interesting happened. I agonize over every text I write and often ask my significant other if what I’ve written sounds okay. I feel a lot of pressure just to sound normal to people that don’t know me very well. I know I can be awkward because I don’t get a ton of social interaction and I don’t want to come off sounding like a lunatic. Sometimes I don’t say anything at all, because I’m too nervous. I’m not ignoring you because I don’t care about you. It’s mostly because I care too much about what you think about me. I’m trying not to overthink everything I say and do, but it’s difficult for me. I want to be more outgoing, but sometimes I’m afraid that what I contribute will never be enough and then I stop trying. I’m quiet because I’m nervous and I’m nervous because I know I’m quiet and so many people seem to have a problem with that. I wish people could be more patient with me but I acknowledge that I have a lot of trouble communicating with other people. That’s mostly because I’ve been hurt by people before and I’m trying to protect myself, but that backfires and I end up getting hurt again anyway. Just in a different way. I think extroverts can be a lot of fun, as long as they’re not pressuring me to be more talkative. I don’t mind letting you guys do all the talking, if you don’t mind that I just like to be there to listen and comment occasionally. 🙂
Also, I would like to add that I did all of the things that introverts supposedly like as far as communication. I sent texts instead of calling and even wrote letters and would go days or weeks between my attempts to connect because I didn’t want to seem too pushy. I was very patient and respectful of trying to work around their introvert needs and still I was left feeling like it was playing ball with a brick wall.
I feel this so deeply! It makes me uncomfortable when very extraverted people with whom I’m not very familiar try to get me to open up. Asking me personal questions too soon makes me so anxious and is more likely to scare me away than help me “come out of my shell.” I don’t need help peeling back my layers – I’ll do that when I feel ready. Also, it really does depend on who you are. I obviously will open up more easily with some people whom I feel are more similar to me or more likely to understand me. With others, it takes much longer and some people may never get to see the other aspects of my personality because they’re just not the right people. Overall, people have more success getting to know me when I am able to get comfortable and open up naturally. Thanks for this post and helping us all feel understood, Michaela!