Introverts. And sex.
We touched on this juicy topic during my Introvert Talk Sundays interview with Brenda Knowles. But I felt that this subject was worthy of deeper … ehem … penetration.
Though it’s difficult to know exactly what goes on between the sheets of an introvert’s bed, studies have shown that introverts tend to take a different approach to physical intimacy than extraverts.
Let’s explore what the research gods have to say about introverts and S-E-X:
Introverts have fewer sexual partners
In his book, Sex and Personality (1976), Hans Eysenck concludes that extraverts have more sex, in more varied positions, with more partners than introverts. As you can see, MORE is the operative word when it comes to extraverts and sex.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that all extraverts are running around like randy rabbits looking for their next shag. And it certainly doesn’t mean that introverts are inexperienced lovers, who stay locked in the missionary position during each romp.
What it does indicate is that extroverts have a tendency to seek out more sex with more people. This could be because extraverts need more stimulation to feel good than introverts.
Introverts are less likely to cheat
A study by J.R. Garcia entitled “Associations between dopamine D4 receptor gene variation with both infidelity and social promiscuity”, found that extraverts are more likely to have a gene variant that significantly increases the likelihood that they will cheat.
If you’re anything like me, your first thought after reading the above finding was, “holy crap, there’s a gene for cheating?” Quickly followed by, “I’m never dating an extravert again.”
To be fair, there are a whole host of factors that determine whether or not someone is faithful. Both introverts and extraverts can be cheaters.
Now here’s another fun (and funny) fact related to extraversion and cheating. A 2004 study of American political personalities found the most extraverted U.S. Presidents of all time to be (drum roll please) Bill Clinton and JFK.
Need I say more?
Both personalities can be great in bed
A survey conducted by Brenda Knowles of space2live.net found that introverts and extraverts are equally awesome in bed.
In response to the question, “The most exquisite sex you ever had was with an …”
24.83% said extravert
29.53% said introvert
28.19% said “I’ve had exquisite sex with both temperments”
17.45% said “I’ve never had exquisite sex”
The above results are based on responses from 149 readers. You can check out the rest of the survey here.
I agree with the 28.19% of readers who said they’ve had great sex with both introverts and extraverts. When it comes to actual performance between the sheets, I think factors such as experience, emotional intelligence, and sensitivity play a greater role than personality.
Most people seem to be in agreement that emotional intimacy is a necessary component for great sex. In a survey conducted by Durex (condom manufacturer) 96% of respondents said they needed an emotional connection for the best sex.
What about you? How important is emotional intimacy in your sex life? Do you agree that introverts tend to have fewer sexual partners?
Xxx,
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I don’t want to talk to you…except when I do
Concordo! Sim, sou brasileiro e introvertido. Tive poucos e ainda tenho poucos parceiros sexuais, e mesmo assim não tenho que reclamar. Tenho um apetite voraz quando a companheira já é intima. Sou homem e gosto de tratar e ser bem tratado nessas horas. Eu observo muito certas situações casuais dos extrovertidos para mais tarde filtrar e mesclar na minha vida.
Grato =*
I’m a Brazilian male introvert too and I can relate to almost everything you said. I only wish I could have had more partners, because in my head I desire lots and lots of women, but I digress… I always felt “different” from my peers because of this lack of an urge to go hunting women on a Friday night. But I do want to be with lots of them. Tricky? Yes. Now imagine how I feel.
But that’s ok, I’m starting to rediscover myself on the verge of my forties, and much of this is due to Introvert Spring!
Thank you Ms. Chung! I love you so much! ???
I am an introvert and after reading this I’m going slow to get to know an extrovert.
Hi Michaela,
Thank you!
You must have been smiling or giggling once in a while when you wrote this 🙂
The ‘juicy’ topic perhaps shied away most of the commentators with blushing faces, regardless of the anonimity possible on the internet :).
Ok let me be brave like Duann and share (luckily you cannot see my face turn read while I type this :)):
I need to feel confident, secure and emotionally attached to someone to be able to enjoy sex.
Too romantic idealizations which I were lured by during my teenage years did not work out.
But to the other side of the spectrum there was the type of emotion-ridden sex like portrayed in porn. As soon as my idealizations failed to deliver, I changed directions, also under influence of extroverted friends.
But that neither did not work. I could get excited by thinking about purely physical sex with women without the context of love and relationships, but it never satisfied.
It was mostly imagination, not that I experimented that much.
When I got married in 2007, I learned that for me the best and perhaps only way to really enjoy sex was to feel connection and love. And perfect bodies (if they exist) or variety in partners are not that rewarding.
She – my wife – appears to me as more in the middle of the introvert – extrovert dimension. But to my modest experience I do not feel that being introverted or rather extroverted is really related to the quality of sex.
I like women, love them, enjoy watching them dressed well, passing by and smiling, but I do not think it would make me happier if I would have more different partners to have sex with.
Thanks for sharing that Marcel! Glad you didn’t shy away. 🙂
I am an extrovert but not extreme. My partner is a true introvert, who I have fallen in love with, but have also been feeling lonely at times.
Our relationship is new, only 9 months, and we were friends for years prior before we hooked up.
We both new of our differences, but we also have more in common that make up for those in differences.
He is in a very strict routine, work, workout, stretch, and sleep Monday through Friday. For me, the extrovert I can’t do that routine day after day or week after week. I find myself feeling lonely. I want to see him and be with him, sex is maybe a couple times a month because he will not stray from his routine. I can appreciate that, I need a little of that in my life too.
He has recently told me he loves me, and I know it’s true. I’m needing more, I want to be touched and I to feel wanted. He isn’t a verbal guy, our sex life is pretty limited I feel like he holds back and it’s pretty average.
We don’t live together so it’s tough enough to find time together and usually when we do get together it’s cause I invited myself over. He rarely if ever invited me over or wil stay at my place because he hates my bed.
He will never stray from his work, gym, stretch, eat and sleep routine.
I can’t just go and sexually attack him and throw him all my passion because he would t know what to do and he already made it clear that he doesn’t like surprises.
Is this normal? Am I not understanding him? I feel like I’m loosing who I am just sonhe keeps within his comfortability.
I feel if I am the one for him maybe a compromise or something should be happening but I’m the only one doing it.
Hi Kelleen, I understand how challenging it must be to feel lonely in your relationship. It sounds like your man is very attached to routines and structure. Most introverts do like routine, but not necessarily to this extent. If you have expressed your needs in a way he can understand, and he is inflexible, the relationship might not be sustainable long term. I know that is hard to hear, but your need for affection, sex, and quality time is real, and perfectly reasonable. There are plenty of men who would happily give these things to you.
Sometimes it’s not about being an introvert it’ can be about being emotionally challenged. If he loves you he will hear you and let you in.
If he doesnt make you part of his routine. Drop him. Hes not a keeper. If someone loves you they will make more time for you and have progress goals of getting married and moving you in etc. 9 months is too long to waist if that talk hasnt come in and please find out if you have same morals and number of kids or if want kids etc bc he sounds like he wont budge on routine so thats for life possibly if on the spectrum.
I am been single for 35 years of my life. Very polite, well mannered, respectful to others, down to earth and raised well from my parents to become the person that I am today. I have not seen my first date, kiss, hugs or sexual experiences yet. People would see this as being very rare for an American man like myself to let myself become like this; as I always say everyday every man does not follow the same path as others. I am very shy, introverted, quite and always look from the side lines as look at humanities relationships with others always learning from the journey. What I have read, observed in both real life and view what women always say they want from men it seems like there is always an up and down side towards everything.
My parents always wanted to get me to be what you say an extrovert and being able to hold conversation which is need for everyday use in society. However, what I discovered within myself is you have to be your own person and each male is different from others. Introverts have their own strengths and weakness as well as extroverts so there no telling who is better than the other when it comes to find a mate for life. Guess you can call me a researcher, learner and scholar that been watching how the world been turning out with relationships and marriages. I have learned that a man has to be patient, have self control in themselves and apply a discipline that maybe one day a woman would see the man that you are with no limits nor judgment of the way a man personality is.
Wandering Warrior try getting off the sidelines and get into the game. Conjure up that warrior spirit and face your fears.
Patience/self control/discipline are wonderful qualities that most people want in their life but they cannot. When you can find a woman who appreciates those qualities, both of you will be lucky ones for each other.
i agree with you Michaela that the best sex is when there’s no barriers when we’re not afraid to be vulnerable it goes beyond the physical penetration when we allow our souls to be penetrated. Then there’s no need to be concerned about positions because it’s like jazz improvisation always something new as one note leads to another the tune is always played differently one day it’s a whisper and the next day the horn is blasting all over the place. That comes with trust.People are so nonchalant about sex there is not a lot of spirit to spirit sex going on there’s no time to build that type of trust and there’s so much fear and rightly so . When we give someone the keys to our soul they can destroy us. We can have great casual sex but much, much better soul sex. I say why settle for less?
I am Hongkonger that living in female body for one and ever one time of One night stand experience after 40 (last year)…Ha ha ha….. rriiigghhhht… right at my forty of age which is sounds unbearable? Yes I am introverted and still at running my introverts mind under the extroverts observation, as a single of myself living with my parent, to have sex with casual partner or someone Friend with Benefits it’s always something “intangible pressure” right behind behind which I never would expected and never wanted to get involved, even now, because it’s about the double standard of aspects of sex and love relationship pressure which driven with thoughts, untrusted and just for fun in physically penetration in and out, and then goes into more fleeting insecure relationship, so for extroverts sex without fear of pressure and make out with anyone they are hook up with it’s pretty like rippling flicking on and on till it exhausted and end and then flick again, opposite, for introverts, like … I don’t wanted to be like “sxxx” which sounds like I would get more of fear and frustrated from another unhappy sex contact again became just like insecure, so cold, had to deal with other benefits and fear of worries and so on that kind of persoanlity that pushing me away of more and more people around, It’s here the site can bring me have a gut to say and express myself, I don’t know when will have the next sex for what or what….. what if I want to have sex with someone (even hook up) I would get into it with family worries, no fear, no pressure and not playing games even stay for short period of time in the relationship. I would say it’s cool!
*Sorry for my broken English*
My “number” is 7. The best sex partner I’ve had is my current lover. She is even more of an introvert than I am. She’s been so lovingly good to me that we’ve been together over 15 years despite being in a long-distance relationship.
I do wish she was a little more open with me after all this time. I think I’ve earned that.