If you’re an introverted woman like me, and you find dating excruciating, you’re not alone. I receive countless emails and comments from introverted women who share the same frustrating challenges when it comes to dating and attraction. You’ll probably be nodding in agreement with these common struggles.
After all, you’re not like other women. You’ve probably grown up feeling different because of your quiet, sensitive nature. On top of this, you might have painful memories of your first interactions with men.
In my Amazon bestselling book, The Irresistible Introvert, I share the memory of my first crush. I was in kindergarten, and I had it bad for a boy named Kyle. One day, I got up the courage to sit beside Kyle during circle time. What happened next would shape my ‘dating story’ for the next two decades.
Immediately after I sat beside him, Kyle got up and walked to the other side of the circle to sit with his friend. It was my first experience with rejection. It wouldn’t be the last.
The dating and love story I told myself again and again was that I was undesirable and men would reject me. I had plenty of experiences in high school and my early twenties to reinforce this limiting belief:
- Most of my high school crushes were oblivious to my existence, as they swooned for more popular, outgoing girls.
- In my early twenties, I had a boyfriend who flirted with his charming and bubbly ex-girlfriend right in front of me on a regular basis.
- Another boyfriend who had a strong extroverted personality tried to bully me into opening up, which only made me retract more.
- Countless men used to call me out for my quietness, saying things like, “why are you so serious, smile!” and “You’re so quiet, say something!”
Again, if you can relate to the above experiences, I assure you that you are not the only one. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. The dating struggles introverted women face can cause a lot of emotional pain. Not only that.
It makes your self-esteem plummet, which creates a self-fulfilling prophecy of rejection. Many innie women start to give up hope, choosing to avoid the heartbreak of dating altogether. You pretend you don’t care about finding Mr. Right, even though deep down you know that true love is all you’ve ever wanted.
Believe me when I say that I understand your pain and frustration, darling. And I’m here to tell you that there is hope.
Here are the top reasons why dating is so hard for introverted women, plus how to make it easier.
Energy challenges
Just like any form of socializing, dating is draining for introverted women. As someone who probably already struggles with low or inconsistent energy levels, going on dates only adds to the problem. But it doesn’t have to.
Here are 3 quick tips to manage your energy levels when dating:
Keep dates short and sweet—especially during the initial stages. Don’t agree to go on a three-hour hike for a first date. Do say yes to a short waterfront walk that you can easily escape from at any point.
Come to dates with a full energy tank. Meditate or take a bath beforehand. You might also put on some calming music and take your time getting ready. This will recharge your energy tanks, plus give you a more relaxed vibe during the date.
Let go. Putting lots of pressure on yourself to look, act, walk, and talk perfectly on a date will only deplete you more. Let go of trying to steer the date by planning every step. Instead, think of yourself as a passenger on an exciting journey. Your main job is to be present and notice how you feel.
High expectations
Introverted women tend to have high expectations for both ourselves and the people we date. This can create a lot of anxiety and stress. Not only that.
It can also sabotage your dating life. To understand what I mean, consider this scenario:
Have you ever found yourself daydreaming about your future with a man that you haven’t even met yet? You connected online and he ticked off every box in the looks, height, career, and hobbies departments, so you decided he was THE man for you. There are a couple of big problems with this.
Men can FEEL your expectations. To him it feels like heaviness, pressure, restriction. And so he pulls away. Having high expectations also makes you more nervous and self-conscious. That’s why it’s far better to do your very best (and I know it’s hard, love) to stop putting men on a pedestal made of fantasies.
Fill your mind with other things, like creative projects, mindfulness, and self-loving thoughts. Seeing dating as an exploration or experiment will also help take the pressure off.
Overthinking
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: introverts have beautiful minds. Introverted women, especially, tend to be highly thoughtful and reflective. Unfortunately, your mind can turn into a destructive Tasmanian devil pretty quickly.
When dating, you get sucked into your own world of analyzing and worry. You overthink what you say and don’t say. Or pick apart a man’s every action.
Knowing how to master your mind when dating is a real game changer. It transforms everything from your body language, to your facial expressions, to your overall vibe. You’ll also feel more free to be yourself and actually enjoy the experience.
Feeling inhibited
For many introverted women going on a date with someone you don’t know can feel like trying to speak underwater. You feel disconnected and inhibited. The words you form in your mind don’t flow out properly. It’s not your fault.
Introverts have longer neural pathways for processing information. You need more time to take in what others say, and then formulate your own response.
My First Date Checklist gives you tools to feel more relaxed and open on dates, even if you normally feel like you’re in a straightjacket. Go here to download the Checklist—it’s free.
You’ll also receive articles on how to flirt without words, the art of poetic communication that mesmerizes a man, and other exclusive dating content I don’t share on the blog.
Judgment
As an introverted woman, you likely spend a lot of time judging yourself. This self-judgment might also leak into your dating life.
You go into every dating experience with your gavel in hand, ready to judge everything from what a man says, does, and wears, to the minutest details of the date itself: “He didn’t compliment me in the first ten minutes of meeting—this isn’t going to work!”
One of my very wise mentors Elizabeth Purvis says, “judgment is the energy of punishment”. Ooooh, doesn’t that just get under your skin?
All the judging creates a vibe of punishment on a date. Neither you nor your date deserves to feel like you’re about to be sent to the naughty corner.
Thankfully, you can instantly turn things around by letting go of judgement in ALL situations. Gabrielle Bernstein’s book The Judgment Detox, will help.
I share all of this not so that you get more down on yourself, but so that you recognize this:
Your current dating story does not have to define the next chapters. You can have men crossing the circle for YOU. Best of all, you do not have to change your personality to attract good men.
Start with a few simple tools to change your mindset and vibe, and notice how men start reacting to you differently.
You deserve to be adored, my dear!
Love,
It is a genious blog 😉
Michaela,
Very interesting, but how about just meditating and loving being al-one. The more I meditate, the more I thrive in dating myself.
Do not get me wrong, there are many who help us thrive in our hobbies, but I have zero time or desire to date. It is nice to learn from the many teachers and then go home to our beloved pets. They are easier to share space and time with.
Who wants to date a human? Not me. Cleaning up papers or a litter box of a gentle animal soul, is so more deserving of our time and space.
Have room in your heart, find a pet and save it from the dinner plates. Be as meditative, vegan and peaceful as you can, people are overrated, most are too loud and demanding. Even if you think you have found “the one”, they never feel the same way back.
Besides, as it is all hormones, six months later, it will all fall apart. Then there is the little package, Baby now to rear. More raging hormones and another proliferating mess of bills, etc.
The true definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Sound familiar to this life?? Of course it is.
Btw, my answer to why dating is so difficult for introverts, is:
who cares?? Dating is not worth the time or effort.
Find a hobby and enjoy your time with yourself. Date yourself and enjoy this time. Become your own best friend.
LOL thats actually spot on haha
LOl thats actually spot on
If you love spending time with yourself so much why bother dating stay single and dont bother.
Excellent article as usual. I’m an introverted guy but I can relate to the struggles of dating for introverted women as well. It’s extremely difficult for me to walk up to women to flirt and be social. I’m always striving to improve myself (working out, building my net worth, general social skills, etc.) and I can diligently see the results of my labour, but I struggle hopelessly in this one arena. Sometimes I think I’ll just die alone lol.
even though the guy who said this comment obviously meant well, and it is the right solution but at the same time it bothers me, pisses me off, because a lot of people are stupid and delusional to the fact that being very introverted, or just shy, quiet, awkward is thousands, millions of times worse for guys, men than it is for women in regards to the dating/mating game, he said:
“that’s a huge generalization to make. society certainly has
different expectations for men vs. women, but there’s no point in
worrying about who it’s “worse” for. A better mindset is to take
responsibility for every part of your own life.”
because accepting, taking responsibility for ones life is expected of men more than women, and it is the painful frustrating unfair reminder that it is only men that are expected to get their shyness, awkwardness, anxiety handled, poor social-skills handled. Yet people still think men have it better than women.
Noticed that this article was actually written by a WOMAN? Also, take your men’s righter whining elsewhere. There’s plenty of space all over the internet, you don’t have to ruin it for everyone here.
Also, I think the reason why you have it hard in life has NOTHING to do with your introversion and PLENTY with your reeking negativity.
yup, it’s another reminder, that a mans attitude has a much bigger impact on his attractiveness than the other way around
But the title is “Dating as an Introverted Woman”. So what did you expect? Look for articles on dating as an Introverted man………..preferably by a man, so that it has more relevance to you.
I suspect that this is a case of thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence–or thinking that one gender has it harder than the other when it comes to things like dating and social skills. Because, unless you’ve dated as both a man and a woman, it would be impossible to tell which gender has it harder. And, it’s probably best to not have a debate on that, since no one would win, and since it would lead to hard feelings.
Besides, the truth is this: Whether you’re male or female, there are ways that people in society act that make it clear that they think that introversion is weird or unacceptable, or is something we need to work to overcome. And, dating is yet another area where this mindset holds sway.
Hi I am introverted, I have social anxiety and I am physically ugly. I have been told I am ugly all my life. I have had few men like me. One of my ex husbands cheated on me because he said I was ugly. I have had a horrible life. I want to get married again to the right person, but I just got lied to again by another man in a 2nd marriage who led me on for a year. I don’t even know where or if I can find any guy that would want me. I am very discouraged. Thank you for your blog.
Actually appreciate this article, among the many I’ve glossed over. I’m an extroverted guy, trying to successfully date an Introverted woman. We’ve been on three dates, and she suddenly shut down on me. And I wasn’t 100% sure why, I was obviously worried I’d done something wrong. But she hadn’t said “this isn’t going to work” just that she needed space. I kinda fore saw the shutting down part, as after the third date I stayed at her place, and even then kinda felt like I was over staying my welcome. But was enjoying her company, and was even told that even tho she enjoys her space, she was enjoying her time together as well. But again like I said, a day later she shut down. So now I’m doing extensive research as to what I can do to ease her mind, make her comfortable, understand her position in life, I’ve gotten a lot of good info so far. But this article has really helped open my eyes/mind to the world of introverts.
Yeah, don’t have high expectations with men. Just realize that in reality he is just a sexist, selfish, egocentric piece of shit jerk, that completly shits for you, completly dispises you, just wanna use you for sex and toss you out like garbage.
Is better to advice women to be lesbians.
1.) Find an activity that men do like bowling, tennis, working out, college course.
3.) Say hi to every man you meet there.
4.) Tell them you are there because you like and are attracted to men.
5.) When any man there takes an interest in you, offer to buy him a drink at the bar or vending machine.. Then talk to him as you would to a girlfriend. Remember this is for any man who asks you. Other men will be observing.
6.) After this works (it will) thank me.
First off, you are stunning! I can’t believe those guys passed you over for those chatty annoying loudmouths. If I were a guy, you’d be my dream girl. Anyway, I can totally relate to what you are saying. The number of times I have been passed over for a party-going superficial girl has killed me on the inside. I feel like I have so much depth to offer so it sucks that men don’t see me that way. I feel like chatty girls play into this misogynistic world where women are supposed to be pretty and entertaining Barbie dolls for men. Introverted women don’t entertain men and we shouldn’t. We are who we are.