A lot of introvert behavior is very confusing for extroverts. But there is one thing in particular that leaves extroverts feeling perplexed, self-conscious, and even worried. And, to be honest, I don’t blame them. Even I was confused by this aspect of my personality for a long time.
The thing that is really freaking hard for extroverts to understand about us is how different we can behave from one circumstance to the next. Someone who meets us in our place of work, for example, might be surprised that we’re much more friendly and engaging outside of the office (many introverts find it challenging mixing work and socializing).
If you are an introvert working in a profession where you have to get your extrovert on most of the day, coworkers who meet you outside of work might be completely perplexed by your quiet, reserved nature.
Extroverts who meet us in pretty much any social situation where our energy levels are high and we are “on”, are downright stumped by our behavior when we are “introverting”. They scratch their heads and wonder what they have done to make us so quiet. They worry that something is wrong. I can’t be sure exactly what they are thinking, but I’m quite certain that extroverts are indeed OVERthinking our behavior when our energy is low.
The above scenarios inevitably lead to annoying questions like, “why are you so quiet?” and “are you okay?”. Sigh.
How to deal with their confusion
As you might already know, I’m a strong advocate for telling people you are an introvert. However, I also highly recommend that you do so when your energy levels are at their peak.
The last thing you want to do when you are feeling drained and irritable is explain to someone why you are feeling drained and irritable. Sometimes you must. There is just no way around it. But, if possible, it is much better to explain your introversion when you are feeling good and energized.
Talking about your introversion doesn’t have to be scary. You don’t even have to say very much. Most of the time, simply saying, “I’m an introvert, I feel drained and overwhelmed by a lot of socializing. I need time alone to recharge,” will do the trick.
And what about you, innie friend? Have you noticed that extroverts are confused by your behavior from one situation to the next? I’d love to hear about your experience with this!
Xo,
hi
I think that in addition to low energy levels is also where and with whom we are.
is not the same hold a conversation with the boss in the office o maybe with a close friend and trusted in the park.
Yes. I had a psychology teacher who didn’t believe me when I told her I was an introvert because I act so extroverted in class, since answering questions is synonymous with being engaged in the eyes of most teachers at my school. When I do act like an introvert and sit and read somewhere quiet, some teachers even come up to me and ask what’s wrong.
Hi. I used to be a Marketing Consultant within Design Agencies. It was a high a energy, high stress, social environment. I loved the actual work that I did (the writing, strategy, analysis, reports etc) but always struggled with the expectations of the social networking requirements. My co-workers could never understand why I wouldn’t want to go out on Friday night, they were so used to seeing me with my confident, somewhat outgoing professional mask on – all I really wanted to do by the end of the week was curl up with a glass of wine and a book or a movie, by myself or with a close friend. I don’t work in that industry anymore!!!
I’ve had people tell me, “No you’re not.”, when I tell them I am an introvert (much to my amusement) because they’ve met me in a situation in which I’m acting more extroverted. I suppose they cannot reconcile their perception of an introvert (see ‘shy’) with the persona they see when I was working as a campus tour guide, a role that requires me to be loud, boisterous, and gregarious.
To me, the importance of context and comfort help to explain these differences that extraverts seem to find so perplexing. I find that I socialize much better in situations where there is a context, a defined range of conversational topics, or an established way of interacting. Limiting the near boundless potential conversational topics through a focused context can make it easier for me to know what to say next. A certain level of comfort is also essential. As you know, introverts tend to favour depth vs. breadth when it comes to their knowledge or involvement in topics, thus if the conversation happens to touch upon an area that a particular introvert has a passion for, they can talk for hours and seem very engaging and friendly to the people around them.
Regardless of the reason why the confusion has occurred, I would agree with the suggested course of action, simply explain that introvert doesn’t necessarily mean shy and that almost everyone puts on a different persona from time to time in order to accomplish their goals. Ours simply happens to remind extraverts of themselves, a set of behaviours that they consider to be normal. Hence the confusion when introverts around them get quieter once they remove their extraverted masks or when the conversation shifts away from topics that interest them.
Oh my yes, I have run into this countless times and many times I explain that I am extremely introverted I usually get one of two responses:
“You just think you’re better than everyone else,” or my favorite the old, “why should you get treated differently, its all in your head.”
Most of the time I choose isolation though which is isn’t healthy, but it cuts down on the disagreements.
Thanks for this article Michaela! I recently discovered your website and can’t believe what an empowering and helpful source of self-development it is! I’ve been reflecting a lot over my introverted nature the last few days, in a different light, and have finally started feeling a peace within myself.
Somehow before I started reading your article, I just knew what this ‘confusing’ behavior would be. it is the number 1 reason many of my acquaintances from high school and university fell through. And I went from being perceived as this ‘normal/cool'(if I can say so myself ha!) social butterfly to this ‘odd,awkward’ misfit who was just socially wierd and unrelatable. Because of my extremely inconsistent and contrasting extraversion. Partly neca
I had started typing out a comment and clicked something so I’m not sure if it got submitted or not.
But I’ll get more to the point this time! I have this tendency too, and always felt it was something I needed to ‘iron out’ so that I’m always the same! But that is draining and I found long term i wouldn’t make any authentic friendships.
I’m not sure what to do about it, I decided recently I’m going to let my introverted nature ‘out’ a bit more, as putting on an extraverted font over the last 10 years since 16 has allowed for more quantity of superficial acquaintances and conversations and actually LESS quality in the kind of authentic, interpersonal friendships that really fulfill me.
I have a feeling that letting my ‘innie’ out will polarize and estrange some ppl more but that it will allow more of the “right” people to gravitate towards me.
I’m an extrovert married into an introverted family and it had been really stressing me out lately. Every time one of the I’s have energy, they love to remind me how different I am from them and how much work they have to put into being around me. I don’t ask the questions Introverts hate because I know better and yet that still isn’t good enough for them, like I’m the perfect Extrovert Punching Bag to punch their feelings into. I’ve always felt like something of a freak and they’re making that feeling worse. It makes me feel so isolated and I become overworked because I am an ESFP overextending myself trying to please them, to meet their needs. The most difficult part for me is that my husband is just like them when I need him to be on my side as well as theirs. It feels like a version of the civil war.
I’m all for working it out, trying to respect what they need, but they don’t know anything about extroverts except what they hate about extroverts. They assume we have limitless energy but really, this emotional battle between the I and E is what drains me. If I ask for some time alone, something is wrong and I must be angry and they don’t respect or believe that there are times I don’t need or want people. Mind you, I was a depressed extrovert for most of my life.
I realize I’m ranting, so if there is any helpful advice, or encouragement, I’m all ears.
Just tell them they’re being jerks.
I don’t think it’s a personality trait to use someone as an emotional punching bag. It’s a sign of being a terrible person.
Like the joke goes, “I don’t care if Venus is in retrograde, Karen. You’re being a dick,”