As an introvert, you might have a hard time asking for what you need.
Picture this. You’re feeling overwhelmed and sucked dry. Your mind is fuzzy, and you’re about as chipper as a slug.
All you want to do is close the door, turn off all the lights and sit in silence.
You want to be left alone. But is that really it?
For many innies, what we really want at times like this is to feel supported by people we love. That support might look like a shoulder to lean on. Or it could be the gift of much needed space. Or help with daily tasks. Or a shoulder rub. Or a thoughtful message.
Perhaps you secretly want and need all of the above.
But do you ever ask?
If you said ‘no’, join the club. Most introverts feel an avalanche of guilt just for having these kinds of needs, let alone asking for them.
It’s confusing to simultaneously crave unconditional love and support, while also wanting space. We haven’t been given a blueprint of how to make this work.
The extroverts made all the roadmaps for life and they’ve got us going in circles and spinning with shame. Tweet this
How to ask for what you want
There is a very sneaky first step for getting what you want. It’s sandwiched right between knowing what you want, and that frightening moment when you actually have to open your mouth and ask for it.
It’s something that comes naturally to some. For most of my introvert clients and students, this hasn’t been the case. For them, the only thing that came before asking for what they want was a flurry of fears about doing so. Sound familiar?
You worry about causing conflict, or coming off as needy. After all, you’re an independent innie.
“I don’t really need that,” you tell yourself. “No, no, I’m fine.”
Perhaps you don’t even acknowledge that it is a real, genuine, made in America, honest to goodness need.
This is a problem because you can’t ask for what you want with confidence if you don’t acknowledge that your needs are real and important.
It’s okay to want help. It’s okay to need support. It’s okay to desire something enough to open your mouth and ask for it. Trust me, nothing’s going to explode, or disappear, or run away screaming like you’ve just announced the apocalypse.
You’ve been lied to, dearest. What you need is not despicable. So go ahead and ask for it.
Everything I just read spoke to me
It’s so awesome I am not alone
Thank you so much
You’re welcome, Kelli. 🙂
Thank you for your writing,Michaela. I’m a gay introvert. So you can imagine that my dating life is non-existant. First I have to figure out if the guy I’m interested is gay or not. If I think he is I have to wonder if he’s out or not. During all this I haven’t said one word to him, he probably doesn’t even know I exist. Then I get enough courage to approach him, that’s when I need this article. HOW TO SAY I WANT HIM!
This is gospel to my ears lol. Just discovering your website and I will be checking in with you from now on. Good Job
Thank you! Glad you found me. 🙂 xo
thank you for this post. I think my clients (HSP) will recognise it and so do I. best wishes from Holland Marian de Rijk
Hello again. Just want to say I am feeling like I am growing into the person I could have been decades ago if I had just is ounce of mentoring. I feel as if you are my many mentors I’ve missed. Now if I can keep progressing and not not digressing. Oops, of course I can. Bad habit slipped in. I’m going ask for what I want cause you made it clear it’s okay to ask for what you want. That takes a lot of the fear away. Goodnight
That’s so good to hear Devoryn! xo
Hello, I’m amazed by what I’m reading I’m almost reading In disbelief and keep thinking this is some kind of trick , how did you get inside my head:)
Thank you for opening my eyes to myself .
Please stop referring to introverts as ‘innies”. We are not bellybuttons. Thank you.