As a sensitive introvert, you’ve probably felt your fair share of guilt.
I know I have.
We introverts tend to let our worries weigh heavily on our shoulders. We bare the blame. And we feel deep shame.
Many sensitive introverts have what is known as an inferior ego. This means our ego feeds itself on believing it’s less than other people. It believes that there are things we ‘should’ be doing. Any failure to do so leads to feelings of shame, and guilt. Speaking of shame …
This is ridiculous
I’ve been getting some hate mail lately. Apparently, this goes with the territory of being highly visible online (if you can relate, would love to hear from you). The good news is that the love mail from my innie community far outweighs the hate.
But being an introvert with a super sensitive guilt reflex, the trolls can really get to me. I couldn’t help but be rattled by the words of a recent hater.
She told me that my “strange ritual for magical sleep” included in my energy recharge tips for subscribers was “ridiculous”. And proceeded to explain why. But that’s not what got to me.
After I responded with a crisp and concise “everyone’s entitled to their opinion,”she replied with the ultimate kick in the sensitive introvert’s gut:
“You should be ashamed to respond like that. You’re a public figure. I’m unsubscribing from this list immediately”
While I thought it was pretty rad that she described me as a “public figure”, and I was delighted that she was unsubscribing, there was one word that did not sit well:
“Ashamed.”
She dropped the A-bomb, which is the sister adjective to one of the most loaded words in the English language:
Shame
Shame is a hot topic lately. This is surprising considering that no one really wants to talk about it. It’s a word that stirs up black gauzy scenes in our mental motion picture. It evokes memories we’d rather forget.
We don’t want to remember them because, well, they make us feel ashamed.
When someone says to me, “you should be ashamed,” my natural reaction is to want to skulk away with my tail between my legs. Stand in a corner and count to one hundred. Feel remorse. Hide. Fold and fold into myself like an origami crane that can’t fly. Edit myself so ruthlessly that I’m just a people pleasing blur of my true self.
Now THAT would be ridiculous.
And yet, it’s what many a sensitive introvert have done in the face of shame. You let the ‘shoulds’ dictate who you are, lest you be crushed by the burden of guilt.
The friend who never shuts up
At one time in my life, guilt was my closest companion.
I came to this sad realization right before I set out on my hero’s journey across seven countries in search of purpose and meaning.
Before I left Canada, I purged everything that wouldn’t fit in a suitcase. I sold all my furniture, gave away most of my clothes, tossed old books and papers. Luckily, I decided to keep my old journals (these are worth more to me now than all my worldly possessions, except, perhaps my Macbook, which I <3 and need very much).
While reading one of my journals from high school, I felt that same gut-punch feeling that the lady who told me I “should be ashamed” elicited in me. In page after page, there was one common theme:
Guilt.
The shame, the worry, the feeling of not being good enough – saturated nearly every sentence. Oh, and the shoulds –
“I should try harder.”
“I should be more grateful.”
“I should give more.”
“I should be nicer.”
The list goes on and on and on and on and on and on and …. well, you get it.
Do you want to know the really heartbreaking part?
I was trying SO hard. One might even say I was a try-hard. I appeared to be succeeding, too. I tried hard at school, and got straight A’s. I tried hard at church (I was a devout Christian for most of high school) and was praised by church leaders and the elderly for being “such a nice girl”. I tried hard to be well-rounded, and stacked my schedule with extracurricular activities like rugby, students’ council and volunteer work.
I tried so F-ing hard to be good. And I was.
I was a good little girl who pranced along merrily with my chatty little shadow companion of guilt to cheer me on.
Guilt actually isn’t a terrible thing. Sometimes it helps us to grow and expand. Unfortunately, where guilt is present, shame is eager to follow. Shame is a fruitless forrest that is hard to find your way out from.
I love how shame researcher and author Dr. Brené Brown explains the difference between shame and guilt:
“The difference between shame and guilt is the difference between ‘I am bad’ and ‘I did something bad.'”
Being a human who makes bad decisions doesn’t mean you are a bad person. Just like doing the occasional stupid thing doesn’t mean you are stupid.
How to release shame
I’ve come a long way since those guilty good girl days. I still get sucked into the shame vortex now and then. But awareness has helped me to pull myself out quickly.
Brené Brown says that shame cannot survive being spoken.
As a writer, I am fortunate to be able to share my shame in a way that feels safe, and at the same time liberating. In doing so, I know that I am freeing others to do the same.
That’s why I shared this long, winding post about the secret shame of the sensitive introvert. To let you know that it’s okay. You’re okay.
A shame squashing exercise
Another way that I have escaped the shame cycle is by consciously focusing on things I’m proud of. This can be tricky for a sensitive introvert with an inferior ego. It’s in your nature to focus on problems instead of positives. You try to cure, fix, and improve your faults, rather than accept, love, and embrace your strengths.
You might feel awkward, or guilty, even admitting your strengths to yourself. Don’t worry. It’s not arrogant to acknowledge the things you’re proud of. It’s a good thing.
Take a moment to write down everything that you’ve accomplished over the past six months. If it helps, create separate categories for career or school, and personal life. They can be simple things, like making a new friend, or exploring a new hobby – anything that you feel good about.
I bet you’ve come farther than you thought.
Unfriend them
It’s time to say goodbye to that chatty little companion that is guilt. And her cousin, shame, too. No need to feel bad about setting them free.
They’ve probably been with you for a long time. That doesn’t mean you owe them anything. You don’t have to be kind and generous to those who only seek to insult you.
That would be ridiculous.
And you?
Do you have any stories of introvert guilt you’d like to share?
Ever had to deal with haters who wanted to shame you?
Please share your comments below. 🙂
Xo,
Another solution I’ve learned to deal with my sensitive introvert guilt is to give myself permission to be imperfect. All of my life I let the guilt of what I hadn’t become yet override the peace of the progress I had made. I’ve learned to accept that, as a person with inherent weakness, I’m still a good person and (most importantly) a precious child of a merciful God. It’s easy to let guilt and shame take over… a habit that I had cultivated for most of my life. But, with a gentle hug to your inner self, and a reminder that even though I am not (yet) perfect, I’m on my way by doing my best each day… and that is enough for me!
Michaela, I am so sorry that you have had comments that we’re rude to you.
I always enjoy your posts and even if I didn’t agree, I wouldn’t feel the need to say something hurtful. I would love to attend your seminar tomorrow, but will not be at home at that time…will you be re-posting it?
I wanted to bring up some issues with you that I’ve found, as an introvert who is currently looking for employment.
I cannot count the times I am faced with ads that want someone with a dynamic, energetic, bubbly, people person, outgoing (basically extroverted personality.) It often makes me not want to apply, except if it’s a job where I can “fake” it. In the past I have tried the faking bit, but would come home exhausted trying to be someone I was not. Do you ever get questions about this? I guess this type is everyone’s favorite employee, especially in sales positions. My strengths are in writing, the arts, library type work and things that involve creativity. I hate being on the front lines in a busy noisy environment. Anyway, that’s a little bit of what I’m dealing with now.
I have family and friends who accept me as I am, and the friends I have prefer the way I am to more extraverted types, so I have no shame in that.
The North American “way” seems to want you to work with them and pay you more if you have these other traits. Do you have any other people who have written to you on a similar topic?
Thank you for being a “force” for the Introverts of this world. I for one am feel very grateful to have you as spokesperson.
All the best,
Deborah
Right on! Thanks, Michaela!
You’re welcome, Henry. 🙂
Michaela, this was a beautiful article eloquently yet succinctly written. I told some Facebook friends today that I feel there are times where words don’t capture the depth of how we feel or what I’m trying to express. I look forward to reading your articles as if I’m having a conversation with a friend who relates with me. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for what you do, in expressing yourself through your writing
Hi
I am Hassan Hassib from morocco and I am 25
I am an introvert INFP and HSP I think
I lived all my life in the way you described it of being the good boy doing what adults say to be the right thing. I grow up not knowing who I am till I met a friend in highschool with whome we had a common interest which is : philosophy.
therefore Philosophy and made humanitarian disciplines that I study by myself and cultivat myself with made me realise the right of any person to choose how to live, yet being the good boy for a long time and not learning to say : “No I want this and not that” made live a life which is not mine. Now I am graduating from a business a school option finance and auditing, and the high conscioussness of who truly I am makes feel a permanant shame of myself of not being able to be firm and opposite my traditional family and the society expectations. I do photography and I write sometimes poetry and as you said I can’t feel that I am proud of them. I posted the link of my page on facebook that I put on sometimes few photos, I hope you don’t mind.
Thanks for sharing your experience. it made me cry Michaela.
Michaela:
I really appreciate your comments. Years ago, I came to the conclusion that I had/have a shame-based personality.
You wrote about your experiences within a church. As you know, some people can really lay a heavy guilt trip on anyone by ranting about Sin. When I attended seminary I read a fine re-definition of Sin: personal participation in societal guilt. One way to translate this might be: of course I’m a sinner because we’re all sinners.
Thanks for sharing Michaela! It’s never easy to get criticized for what we say or do, but this exercise has helped me deflate a lot of that criticism – I call it the 2 year / 20 second rule:
2 years: How much time it costs a person to deliver something beautiful, worthwhile and meaningful to the world.
20 seconds: How much time it costs for somebody else to criticize it and try to pull it apart.
I think you know which one is you 🙂
Same here with the religion stuff. I have been having to relearn a lot in my adult years trying to dig myself out of the guilt/shame/fear perspective. Thanks for sharing your story.
Beautifully written and thought provoking, helpful post. Thank you so much Michaela. I had no idea that guilt, shame and all that goes with them were common to introverts. I know I feel guilt and shame on a daily basis, and for things over which I truly have no control over.
Michaela, what a great post and so “just in time”. – I’m fighting a lot because I like to be “who I am” and – “holy crap” often I feel guilty because of this at the same time! – Several weeks ago I blamed me for my whole “way of life” (because being introvert, beeing sensitive, beeing not married, being a freelancer, beeing this and not that…) and I felt very bad and this is a doom loop, it drags you deeper and deeper into hell and then look out! – Luckily I always find a way out and then I realize: “NOBODY is perfect!!!” – and therefor there’s NO single person on this planet which has the right to “judge” me for what I’m doing or avoiding. – NOBODY IS PERFECT !!! – Even “gods” maybe not perfect – sometimes!? 🙂 – Unfortunately the “judges” and the “convicts” tend to forget these important facts … I also learned that the most imperfect people are blaming others the most! – Are they megalomaniac or just f*cking stupid??? – Matthias
PS: Perfection or “dilettantish” (imperfect) is the topic on my blog these weeks (“classics” versus “romantics”). – I think life on earth never was “perfect” and it never will be “perfect”, but this wouldn’t be a problem if people would react more tolerant and relaxed…
Great insights, Matthias. Also, love the “dilettantish” them on your blog. Progress over perfection is my motto, as you probably already know. 🙂
Just saying I’m sorry and forgiving others as well as myself works for me. It doesn’t stop me from striving for excellence,which I will never attain it is so liberating when we let go of others imperfections and we admit that we are a work in progress.
Absolutely! I completely agree, Vernon. Thanks for sharing that. xo
Michaela. Thank you so much for all your posts. It is so good to read your emails and be reminded that I am not the only sensitive introvert working out how to live in this world.
This one had so many light bulb moments for me, I thought you were writing about me.
I am a work in progress, slow but progressing. Currently working very, very hard to eliminate the word “should” from my vocabulary (both internal and external), by replacing “should” with “could”. This is helping me to deal with my guilt and shame by being kinder to me.
Keep your posts coming.
That’s a great idea – replacing “should” with “could”. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
This is the very first article this morning. Truly a sign of relief. Thank you!
Thank you for this post Micheala. Well-written and can relate very well to this. Have to remind myself time and time again to take ‘should’ out of my vocabulary and believe that what I do is ‘enough’ and the best I could give. Bye bye shame.
You’re welcome, Abegail! 🙂
Thanks for this. It’s so hard to overcome shame sometimes. Especially when your childhood was one of abuse.
It’s taken a very long time to rise above always feeling shame for anything that didn’t work out. Learn to love yourself. That means all the good and not so good.
You’re welcome John. Yes! Learning to love yourself is key, but isn’t always easy. xo
Hi Micheala,
I haven’t been to Introvert Spring for a while. But today, I found out that I hadn’t been invited to yet another family occasion – my nephew’s 18th birthday BBQ, last Saturday, and I felt like I needed some advice/support. At first I felt angry, but then I felt shame and guilt. Being an introvert I know that I have passed up on the odd family get together in the past, because I just couldn’t face it for one reason or another. But knowing that they have stopped inviting me hurts. They will tell me that they forget to invite me to things because I am not on facebook, (I have no desire to be on facebook, knowing my luck I would just get cyber-bullied anyway). Still, my introversion is definitely the cause of much guilt and shame.
I am sorry to hear about your negative comment. We always remember the bad ones more clearly than the good ones don’t we. Keep doing what you do.
Hi Laura, Glad you stopped by again. Thanks for sharing your own experience with innie guilt and shame. I’m sure many others can relate. xxo
Accept. Accept. Accept. Are words that help with me. Also regarding trolls the only winning tactic is to ignore and/or block, if they happen to be writing directly to your email. People don’t like it when you say something that they consciousness/beliefs cannot accept and being defensive about it is the wrong way to go as it takes your own energy down to their level. I only know of one other YouTuber who like me never deletes a troll comment; I leave them there because this is a reflection of the rage people really have in their minds!
Wow, this feels really good and also hard to read. And liberating at the same time. Your story could be mine, but I´ve never thought about it this way, that the guilt I´ve always been feeling has something to do with my introversion. It´s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you
Explain post thank you for sharing, i totally relate and cant wait to check out your ‘rudiculous’ magic sleep ritual it sounds perfect to me!!
That was supposed to say ‘excellent’ post, damn predictive text!
Wow. This post really hit home. I thought I was alone in my feelings of shame and guilt. I didn’t realize that it was generally part of being a sensitive introvert. I have had many relationships affected by this and the stress that I’m constantly carrying because of guilt feelings is exhausting. No one I’ve tried to explain this to ever seems to understand. Especially an extroverted partner. Thanks for this post. I’m definitely going to try the exercise. 🙂
People should check out Elaine Aron, highly sensative persons (HSP). They have shorter iliads in the insula of the brain causing extra perception abilities. 20% of people, equally distributed between the sexes fall into this category of HSP.
http://youtu.be/FQLBnUBKggY
…~*~…
I just joined your site, and first I love the pictures you have as the profile pic to ask us to join. The looks you have…..I felt bad not joining. Lol I’m sure as a sensitive, you knew other sensitives wouldn’t be able to pass it by either.
I am thrilled to come across this site. I can definitely relate to everything you have said. It’s almost as if you actually know me and are in my head, feeling my feelings. It’s so hard to explain to people how deeply I feel about things. It’s like I hurt inside my heart for myself and others. I always say, my heart is hurting. Most people can’t understand or appreciate the way I see and feel things so deeply. I am just so happy to have found somewhere that I can talk freely and be understood. Thank you.
I’m sorry about what you experienced with the hate mail especially since you are trying to help people. About the church thing, I went through that too; the shame that I felt because I felt that I was never good enough. And after years of feeling that way, I found the answer’s in scripture & other book’s about this matter. I found relief in what I found and the truth is, is that Jesus accept’s us as we are and no matter how hard we try we’ll never be perfect UNTIL we’re in His kingdom. He know’s our heart’s. No amount of what we do (good) will ever save us. Only His grace does.
You have a very good perspective on these things and I can relate to almost everything you said. Often I find myself battling my inner conscience and losing, feeling worse than I did before. And being the sensitive introvert that I am, all those thoughts get bottled up inside me unable to release them or share it with others. Blogging seems to be a good way to get past this calamity.
You have a nice way of expressing your opinions and I bet most of your readers like it. Thank you for sharing this stuff. 🙂
You’re welcome! 🙂
Wow, the concept of the “inferior ego” really hits home for me. It’s been a life-long struggle, but particularly hard right now. I live in a very competitive area where people are so young and successful, and I am in my early 30’s and feel like I have not achieved much, though my family and husband all disagree. I’ve passed up opportunities because I feel I am not good enough, and it’s hard for me to accept people’s compliments when I know there are people younger and more ahead than me. Thanks for writing this. I also recommend for HSP’s the book “Undervalued Self” where she talks a lot about this. Brene Brown’s book is great too.
The right words escape me at the moment. That was one of the best- most beautifully honest and eloquent- descriptions of the secret shame of the sensitive introvert that I’ve ever read. Thank you.
It is heartbreaking….and soul killing….to be subjected to the inner guilt- and shoulds- along with the outer world’s judgments about being “different.” I. too, have tried so very hard to be “good”….to be what the world wanted me to be. But, the shame is still here.
i know im feeling shame the second my shoulders start to burn and feel like they are struggling to hold a million pounds, a lump in my throat, and my heart fills with fear, confusion, and anger… leaving me sad because i dont know why im feeling it. I start to look around at things throughout the day. I usually stop dead in my tracks when I realize what brought the feeling out. its usually something i see everyday only that day maybe i moved it or it was discussed for whatever reason (items belonging to one of my babies). I allow this thing to become a monster again & again.. and I know good n damn well the beauty it brings to my life when im able to grace myself with its upside. Once in awhile a memory comes out of nowhere (idk if i lost my memory medically or if built a wall to punish myself from the most beautiful place, the core of me.. my truest home.. that one lil memory, my lil mustard seed) and its all i have to hang onto & many days I dont even have that. That seed is so magical… for a moment I feel my spirits beauty & I become hungrier than ever for the Reward in being my truest self, not afraid of anything & a gift to others. i remember my gift of draw in people in because of the humbleness, understanding and mysterious sureness in my soul & the most perfect words came out of my mouth every time i spoke. And people that once helped themselves at the cost of my soul suddenly had NO access to it… the humility in their confusion was priceless. I am a gift to this world because I am. i forget that so quickly though. It seems it only takes a blink of an eye with my guard down and no support that truly understands this monster, i feel up with fears & cower down.. cornered in the most horrifying cold concrete cell set on fire Hell has to offer. Whats the guys name in bible with 5,000 demons inside of him??? Whoever he is… Ive feel it, i feel it. No, I dont believe i have evil lil being inside of me. I am quite the realist lol. I do believe in strongholds… such as: envy, jealousy, greed… every negative word a person could possible come up with and its life sucking energies. i believe i condemn myself far beyond condemnations that have ended in death one way or the other. How I can still stand tall (besides being 6ft lol) most days I may never know. Maybe its its not for me to know, just to accept.
People compliment me on my walk, they say its strong, confident, and intimidating. (Being an Introvert explains why.)
*Sometime things arent at all what they seem.
I just wanted to say that it disgusts me that someone treated you that way and you are entitled to your opinions. I am definitely on your side. You are a human being and don’t deserve that treatment just for that. I do love your story and it makes me feel better about myself also. Peace. 🙂
I have to spend time in 12 step meetings for legal reasons. Humility gets discussed a lot and building said humility seems to be a big part of many peoplss programs, and is thus preached heavly. Given that I seem to have one of these infior egos, seriously the passage discribes me prefictly, would all this lessoning of one self be damaging. When you add the fact that I lack interest in the step and or service work guilt comes into play because “I should” be doing said work. I vasliate between this guilt about the step work and giving it the pervibal middle finger. As both a introvert and an atheist I don’t want to be in the room. Hell, I know I don’t run the damn universe and I never wanted to, so shut it. Frankly, the required social interaction is a massive energy drain anyway. I am far more restless, irritable, and discontent after the event. I am thankful for my smart phone.
Thank you för writing so fantastic about us introverts!
Keep it up??
Don’t listen to trolls of any kind.
Best wishes to you.
Yours Sincerely Eva
I’ve definitely had issues with the introvert guilt. I will dwell for hours on decisions I’ve made, or conversations I’ve had. I will constantly ask myself, “should I have said that? What will they think of me now” or “maybe I shouldn’t have done that, will they be angry?” I do this over the littlest things, but to me, I guess they are big things. I’m very observant of other people’s feelings, so I constantly worry about whether or not I offended someone, even if it doesn’t seem like a big deal to anyone else. I also tend to apologize a lot for things i don’t usually need to apologize for.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Michaela. I can relate to the experience of carrying shame in many forms throughout my life. The phrase, “You should be ashamed of yourself”… it’s so startling. It hits a very sore spot. Thank you for writing about your experience and offering it up to the light.
I am a hsp trying to deal with jealousy and shame.
I asked a man out at my workplace which was a really stupid thing to do. He rejected me and chose someone else over me. It hurt really badly and I am finding it impossible to forgive him. He has now been promoted to a manager at my workplace and I am struggling to control the hurt and anger on top of feeling jealous of him and struggling with my shame around him. I feel like I am going through hell. How do I stop all these distressing feelings?
I have always been ashamed of not being as outgoing as others. In my head, I should be hosting gatherings, being a good hostess, going to dinners with just one friend instead of 2 ( that way I don’t have to worry about continuing a conversation). I’ve always thought, and still do think there is something majorly wrong with me because I can easily make or keep many friends like my siblings. My job forces me to constantly talk with people and it’s draining but at times I do enjoy it because I feel like I’m a tad normal. I have so many ” second guesses” of what I should be like that at times I just cry. I’m an amazing actress.
Thanks for letting me express my thoughts.
Sorry typo. I meant cannot make as many friends or keep them