Most people know that introverts socialize differently than extroverts. We take longer to think before we speak, get drained more easily, and tend to listen and observe more. But the biggest differences in the way introverts and extroverts socialize happen before we even get to the event. To help you understand what I mean, I’ve put together 6 ways introverts approach socializing differently.
6 Ways Introverts Approach Socializing Differently
1. We regret plans we made when we were feeling more extroverted.
Sometimes introverts overestimate how much social juice we’ll have left in the tank at the end of the day or week. We accept an invitation when we’re at the peak of our social energy cycle.
At this point, we’re feeling pretty perky and blending right in with the extroverts. But by the time the event comes, we feel drained as heck and deeply regret making any plans that involve leaving the house.
2. We secretly rejoice over cancelled plans.
Now that you understand the first point, you’ll get why introverts do an inner happy dance over cancelled plans. We secretly wanted to bail, but felt too guilty to do it. We breathe a double sigh of relief when someone lets us off the hook. After all, we’ve already worn out all our excuses for staying home.
3. We need to mentally prepare for social activities.
Drop by anytime, the door’s always open—said no introvert ever. Introverts don’t like people dropping in on us unexpectedly, because we need time to mentally prepare for social activities.
As a card-carrying introvert myself, I only have two modes: social mode and introverting mode. The transition from one mode to the next isn’t necessarily automatic. My brain needs to warm up to the idea of socializing beforehand.
4. We like to know all the facts about the event before committing.
We introverts like to know what we’re getting ourselves into before we agree to any social activity. You can’t blame us, we’ve had too many traumatizing experiences at parties and events that others deemed ‘fun’. Here’s the thing.
An introvert’s definition of fun can be wildly different than an extrovert’s. That’s why we need to get all the details before we say yes: How many people will be there, how long is the event, what will the vibe be, will it be easy to escape?
5. We are selectively social.
Don’t get me wrong. Introverts aren’t anti-social. We’re selectively social. We’d rather stay home than go to a social activity that depletes us without offering anything in return.
If it’s not an activity we find entertaining (FYI, beer pong isn’t exactly an introvert’s idea of fun), why bother? We know we have very limited social batteries. We don’t want to waste our energy on people and places that make us want to scratch our eyeballs out.
6. We want to go out, but then we want to come back in.
Introverts are a lot like cats in this way. We hover at the front door, debating whether we really want to leave our comfy, peaceful home and face the energy assault of a social event.
If we choose to go out, we’ll soon be fantasizing about the comforts of home. If we stay home, we’ll feel guilty for not ‘seizing the day’ like our extroverted friends say we should.
I hope you could relate to what I shared. If you want some introvert friendly tips for making friends and feeling more confident when socializing, subscribe to my mailing list. You’ll get a free 50-page Introvert Connection Guide.
Over to you
Did I miss any? Let me know in the comments and feel free to share your thoughts on socializing as an introvert. I’d love to hear from you!
Love,
What a hilarious post! So true, especially #1! I can be very pleasant and engaging with large groups of people, and I need to be in my job. That being said, solitude is just what the doctor ordered afterwards. I never dreamed that I was an introvert but there’s no denying it now. And this post confirmed it yet again! Much love and support, my innie tribesmate!
I fully relate. I had big plans for the summer and was disappointed as I realized I just wasn’t made for the endless fun I had in mind. It’s good to remember that there’s nothing wrong with me and I can still have fun if I approach it the right way. Thanks!
Spot on as always. Although I liken myself to a skittish rescue dog over a cat 🙂
Reading your articles is so so comforting thanks.
Take care
I’d like to add in when you get invited to what you think is an intimate gathering, knowing who would be attending, only to find out the host invited several others with no warning. I hate that!
and the deepest chortle bubbled up from the depths of my being as i was reading through these 6 points :o)
are you sure that we don’t know each other? we have met somewhere in the regions of discovering self i’m sure … how else could you know this about me ??
i am just so pleased to have found you … it’s never too late ^i^
So proud of you, and you’re new adventure in comedy!! Wow, its truly inspirational to hear introverts don’t always take a back seat..standing on the sidelines of others accomplishments in the arts. I know many introverts are talented, creative, and drawn to the arts. Did you mention once that you were a dancer too? I have wanted to ask you for a long time about your experience as a dancer. I am passionate about dance fitness, and became an instructor for a time. Im still licensed, but due to 2 major surgeries in the past 4 years, have not taught much. I have to admit, I was NEVER comfortable in that role…just dreaded the preparation and nerves that came from anticipation. How do you know when something isn’t right for you, versus fear of it? I still love it, and participate in classes. There seems to be a disconnect between just dancing, and teaching it. I feel that many instructors are becoming entertainers instead of instructors…more about their ego. It supposed to be about what the students want, and need to learn, to benefit from this exercise.
I discovered about a year ago that I’m an infj, and it definitely helped me understand myself better. I don’t feel so crazy. The limelight doesn’t seem like a place most infj ppl like. Do we work on pushing through this?? Sorry this is so long? Look forward to hearing more about your new passion!!
hello hello!
I apply on the two last ones! I personaly don’t find it interesting investing my free time on something that wouldn’t match my style or approach on life! totaly not!
and not mentioning how many times I did regret to go out within the first hour! 😀
xo
Hi Michaela,
Number 5 definitely applies to me. I think that under number 4 I would add we observe before we engage also. I guess that’s where we get the term wallflower from. I think the others don’t apply to me since I’m loyal and dedicated to my word. If I say I’m going to be somewhere or do something I do it, without complaint even if it’s painful. Sometimes I’d rather be somewhere else, yet for me integrity is a higher value then comfort.
I can relate to all of these, especially 3 and 6. If I can, I try not to schedule too much before or after a social event. I often look forward to downtime, especially if it’s something that’s draining.
When I applied for a job I was told I would be working mainly out of the office with a small group of people. That was not so. I had to work with a large number of people.At first they thought I was a snob. Over time I got to know some of the people that I had to work closely with. I was still stuck with the label of snob by people I did not know.The staff Christmas Party was a disaster. I sat at a table were every one knew each other socially. That was the last Christmas party I attended. Weddings can also be a disaster. So is working in small formal groups where I know no one. I thing I can do is public speaking. I was good in my job so I felt comfortable and in control when speaking. All of the topics were familiar to me – facets of my job, how my job related to others and how we could work together. No one was judgemental as they did not know me. By the time I finished my talk I was so hyped up that I had little trouble answering questions and talking to people more than usual. But I would go home exhausted. I had to spend time recharging. (When the department was shut down I had been there for 3 years. So much for public speaking). Sorry this is quite long.
Oh my goodness, as I was reading this it was like “you are in my head!” Such a relief to know it’s not just me that revels in canceled social plans. Only recently found you, so glad I did!!!
Interesting! I can relate with most, Michaela 🙂 my top 2 would be #4 and #5.
I can relate especially to 4 & 5
I always plan things on my day off from work but then I just go home and listen to the Stillness.
As for unexpected guests, I would be thrilled if anyone I knew would just pop by. I’m an introvert with low self-esteem, so if someone shows interest in approaching me, I would be pretty happy.
My introvertedness seems to go away when I’m somewhere I’m comfortable. For example, I love going to concerts. I tend to go by myself because I don’t have friends, but all of a sudden, I get there and make friends with the people around me. But if its a holiday with my family, I’ll be sitting in the corner, drinking, and eating off the cheese platter awaiting the point where I can leave. I guess this goes along with selectively social.
I have read a lot on introversion (I’d say I’m an ambivert) and worry about my dear textbook introvert daughter. She is so specific in her preferences and what she will invest her time and energy in that I see her sort of pushing people away who don’t exactly match her criteria. I can completely understand her limited energy and need for alone time, but I just wish she would consider opening up to a few new possibilities and friends. I don’t want her to be lonely and she sometimes seems that way. Any thoughts from parents of introverted teens? 🙂
Really liked the post. Defines exactly how I feel. And yes I do like to know how many people are there for an event and the escape plan too.
Other than being an introvert, I like to play solo too. I’m a loner and a goner.
Ah…ha..ha….Michaela hits another home run with this blog.
#2, #3 and #6 are so funny and so true that’s is scary, very scary.
BTW—-Thank you for such a kick….site.
You’re welcome, Rick. 🙂
#2 actually doesn’t apply to me. Maybe b/c it takes energy to prepare. Esp. b/c I have to pack up a lot of stuff for my 2-yr-old, who needs spare training pants, spare clothes, books to keep her busy, & special food (she can’t yet chew anything even slightly tough, e.g. meat that’s not soft & finely minced & mixed into sauce; & she’s allergic to oats, rye, & possibly other things I haven’t figured out yet). And I need a few things of my own. By the time of being physically ready, I’m plenty ready mentally. So if plans got cancelled at the last min., after I’d packed everything, possibly called a restaurant to find out what she could eat there, &, while dealing w/ tantrums, gotten her well dressed & into her car seat, that would be exasperating. Well, it’s prob. also b/c we don’t go to parties or anything like that. The biggest thing might be church coffee hr. Sometimes* it’s held in a big cement bsmt, w/ ~100 happy people, incl. a lot of kids playing, & metal folding chairs scratching on the floor & getting banged around, so the problem w/ that has been SO MUCH noise. ? Not good for introverts of course. But sound-deadening panels were just installed! ? So the sound will be normal now.
#3 is pretty big though. People coming over are stressful. I want the house to not be dirty, & I don’t want to have to discuss stressful things w/ them.
#4 is the most important for me, most esp. no surprise parties! My mom threw me a surprise party (fortunately only 1×, 27 yrs ago). She’s an extravert of course, & I guess didn’t even know what an introvert was. At least it was outside so I could see what was going on while walking toward it, so I wasn’t startled. Eventually I had fun, but that was a bit much. Important lesson for extraverts who don’t want introverts to hate them: surprise parties are for extraverts only. But beyond that & except for getting presents, surprises in general are not good. Like if people tell you they’re taking you someplace & it’s a surprise. I hate that so much. Preparing for social interaction isn’t the worst part for me. I guess strangers pretty much always leave me alone, & people I know generally don’t overdo things. So ordinarily I last a long time for an introvert in social situations. But I have to have all the things my little girl might need, plus at least 1 book for myself, & b/c I have chronic mono that interferes w/ how I can stay warm or cool, I usu. need extra clothes for warmth but have to stay out of the sun & the heat. If I’m physically uncomfortable, I’ll be overwhelmed & get tired of people fast.
*A bit complicated. We’re Byzantine Catholics in an area where there are few others, but my husband likes Latin Mass. Sometimes we are at the Latin Mass w/ big coffee hr in cement bsmt, & sometimes at the Byz. Cath. Liturgy, w/ little coffee hr in carpeted bsmt. I think there are actually a lot of introverts at both though. ? Even the extraverts aren’t pushy & never talk before church.
Number 3 definitely love so true,two and Five also very accurate information on us Introverts.
Absolutely! I strongly relate to those as well. 🙂
No. 2, No. 2!
You must really be rejoicing right now!
All are very true, can relate. It feels great to read this because it is not often said out loud.Thank you.
I relate so well to all six points. It is so good to know I am not alone in this! Thank you. Thank you!
I read a lot of introvert stuff and I write a blog about it. I will say you covered it as well as I’ve seen and better than most