We’ve all been there; we’re peacefully going about our business and generally feeling okay about life, and then WHAM, our introvert energy meter dips into the self-destruct zone. This red zone is where fits of irrational anger, and tears occur. It is also where our most unkind thoughts about ourselves and others dwell – definitely NOT a place we want to be!
In truth, there are usually warning signs that we are entering dangerously low energy levels. Read on to discover the 8 sneaky signs that you are about to self-destruct.
1. Everything is irritating. Even people and activities you normally enjoy grate on your nerves.
2. You become very self-critical. It’s like the little troll in your brain is working overtime to make you feel like crap.
3. You start ruminating over something that happened a long time ago.
4. You have ZERO TOLERANCE for small talk.
5. Your answers to questions become more and more incoherent. Even you don’t know what you’re trying to say.
6. Your personal space bubble keeps getting bigger. Just brushing shoulders with someone feels like too much.
7. You no longer have the energy to control your facial expressions, so you let your resting bitch face take over.
8. You start to believe that you are a horrible person and you will never be happy again.
If you begin to see any of the above signs, run for cover, because you are about to self-destruct! Do yourself and those around you a favor and find a quiet corner to recharge. Sweet solitude is the only anecdote at this point.
How to deal
Wondering what to do when you’re in the self-destruct zone? How about when you can’t think of the right thing to say at the right time? Or pretty much any other introvert dilemma on the planet. Signup for my mailing list and receive everything you need to develop self-love, connection, and confidence as an introvert. You’ll also get my 50-page Introvert Connection Guide to attract your ideal friends.
Thanks for this post. Helpful to me as I navigate the challenges of being a US postie.
You’re welcome, Edward! 🙂
Michaela you are so full of concrete and helpful knowledge, very articulate and… always spot on!
Glad you appreciate my work, Ellen! 🙂
I have someone moving around in my brain. I cannot believe that you and others know what is happening. Sometimes I don’t even know what is happening. There is a desperate need to escape any thinking. I just want to chill out and just be. I am a person of little words because it takes too much effort and it all comes out all wrong anyway. Never quite has the same effect as when someone else who has the gift of the gab. I feel trying to explain myself to others is not worth the effort. I only end up regretting what I’ve said or checking over and over that I said is right. Leaving me exhausted.
If I knew you when I was a teenager, I wouldn’t have felt so crazy. ?
Back then and today sometimes, I could relate to all of them.
Yep. All of them are right. Anyway, you can kind of carry this if you can’t bé alone (WARNING: The best solution is REST AND BE ALONE. Only use this in extreme situations).
1. Just Daydream.
2. Think very well what you are going to do. And remember than you’re self criticizing because you need time alone and only because of that.
3. Try to think of other things. Yeah, I know it’s hard, but try at least.
4. Try to redirect the conversation or tell straight you don’t wanna talk about it. If the other person keeps small talking, daydream and connect on the last words to answer coherently.
5. Hard one. Try to think what you’re going to say, I guess. If you haven’t heard, ask them to repeat. If you ask too many times, they will stop talking to you, but in that situation, that’s perfect.
6. Avoid contact. Again, you should tell straight that, in that moment in particular, you don’t wanna touch anybody.
7. What’s wrong with the RBF (Resting Bitch Face)? Let it take over.
8. That one is unavoidable. Get in your room.
Anyway, the BEST solution is to simply get some alone time.
Great advice, Ivo! 🙂
Spot on! Great advice, Ivo!
Are introverts more susceptible to self destruction? Do we have a harder time containing ourselves?
I’ve shown the signs above and try to cure it by being harder on myself, driving myself harder … seeking more perfection. But this just leads to more negative feelings about who you are.
‘Self-destruct’ was just a light-hearted way of phrasing it. I think we’re more likely to feel overwhelmed and pushed to the point of exhaustion because of societal expectations designed by and for extroverts. In order to overcome this, we must be kind and understanding with ourselves.
Really appreciate this blog Michaela. Thank you!
You’re welcome, Michelle! 🙂
Very well put together. All the above would have happened to me in my school days if I hadn’t been aloud time alone. The introvert mind NEEDS this type of downtime, to wander off somewhere, in order to collect thoughts accrued during the day and digest them.
Exactly, Chris! 🙂
Oh my goodness two semesters ago in college I had a homework meltdown. I don’t want to go into all the details, but it was quite the knock-out, I had to stay in my room for about a week. Thanks for the blog Michaela, and for being so honest!
You just reminded me of why I never want to go back to college, Austin! I would often spend the first week of Christmas break recovering from the exam period. I read all 1000 pages of Gone With The Wind in about a week during one such break.
Wow, I’ve done things like that before, like reading a few 500 page books in a week just to escape, but I’d end up getting burned out reading… No rest for the weary… I mean introverted.
Like your remark about no rest for the introverted.
Wow, glad to know I’m not the only one. Especially number 6 when that happens that’s when I really get scared lol
Thank you for This post. It’s hard to be an introvert and a teenager. Now it’s clear that I was in my self-destruct zone during the past 2 Years and I’ll still be in it for the few years to come.
You’re welcome, Guillaume. And, yes, it is tough being an introverted teen. I remember those uncomfortable days all too well!
Thank U @Micheala, often times I used to wonder if I’m having a deformity just coz of my reserved self, but I’m better informed about who I’m truly are.
You’re very welcome, Greg! xo
Worryingly on today of all days, I had some of these signs. It can border on be crippling and horrible and I feel horrible and mean to people around me.
Wow! Reading your blog on introverts helps me to see that I’m putting a load of extroverted pressure on myself. I am not honoring the way I’ve been made, and it’s leading me into a dangerous shutdown state of surviving rather than living. I was self-destructing before Christmas. The way self-destruct shows up for me is getting sick or getting severe headaches, and wasting time rather than using it well to refuel and take care of myself. Thank you for pointing the way back home.
Hi Valerie, happy to hear that my blog has helped you to see that you don’t have to put so much pressure on yourself. 🙂
I too for the longest time wondered why I would get stressed out when around people and I would find peace just being alone or with someone who I was close to. I don’t like small talk. People seem to look down on me for being a loner, but I’ve accepted it and at a point in my life not caring what other’s think. I can’t be happy unless I am myself. Having to like myself the way I am toke a long time too. It helps to see that other’s struggle in this area too and the advice is a great help. Refueling for me is listening and singing and reading books.
Glad that it helped you see that you’re not the only one who feels this way, Rachael. I like singing, too. 🙂
Hello. This is very interesting because lately I’ve been having all the above symtomns. Actually I’ve been alone most of the time for the last few weeks (Christmass break), only going out for shopping food. The thing is, being around people is very tiring but when I spend a lot of days alone, the symtons get worse whenever I need to go back to the outside world. Should I avoid being alone for long periods of time? Thank you!
Hi Ayu! Sorry to hear you’ve been experiencing self-destruct symptoms. Spending too much time alone can definitely have negative side-effects. How much time an introvert needs alone varies for each person. Also, sometimes it can seem inconsistence. For instance, if I’ve had a lot of social time, like during the holidays, I can spend more time alone in subsequent days/weeks. 🙂
Thanks Michaela 🙂 I feel like that all the times, but on a more serious note, I think they can be early signs of depression. So as much as enjoying solitude may help lessen these feelings/ frustration, talking to that one or two close friends/ family members can be very helpful too.
I really love this web! 🙂
May I write it in my language? I post it on my blog : rizkakamsalil.blogspot.com and of course i put the source there. and also i have a question, sometimes i confused with my personality. My blood type is O, where a lot of people say I must be extrovert but look at my personality, i have a lot similarity with introvert ._.
Sorry for my bad english, i still learn about it, thanks ^^
Wow thank you for this post! I have displayed all of these symptoms from time to time, but didn’t realize that some of them were also signs. Gonna bookmark this article for reference. And thank you Ivy for the suggestions, great ideas!! 🙂 I have actually explained my INFJness to my friends so that they won’t feel bad when I have to withdraw to help them understand just a little. I have to say pretty much all of my friends are extroverts 😉 I explained the energy thing, and also read that Introverts create their own energy whereas Extroverts take energy from others. This is so true because in some situations I can actually feel myself being drained! Like my energy actively being sucked out of me. And when I get too low, I go into ‘survival’ mode and look around for an exit! 😉
Oh..so that’s what that means..
Yup. I definitely have met all eight signs. This is where I am at right now. Except I don’t have a place to hide
Its still hard for me to be who i am freely. At this instant im being blamed for having a crapy personaly,
not letting any1 in, i cant help being the way i am, i cant help who i am. Im an introvert and people just dont get it. Mostly they say im rude or too quiet.. And my responce is ” Thank you”
Every. Single. Word I identify with… I’ve been getting to the very last second of that bomb counter and I’ve gotten fed up with it and I’ve kept telling myself “I’m just depressed it’ll pass” when really I’m just trying so hard to be an extrovert when I’m a screaming introvert! (ironic isn’t it?) anyways, these feelings have led me to look more into why I’m feeling this way and I’ve been fortunate enough to find my way to this site which is so full of support it gets me excited to be what I am so to all of you who also enjoy this site I just want to say one thing, Hi!
I’ve living alone for more than 3 yrs cos I like to left alone…but have been getting so depressed after loosing my job early last year including some of the above signs too….so I really maybe my lonliness is contributing to all this too…pls I need ur response
Hi Francis, yes, I’m sure loneliness is part of it, too. We innies need love and support, despite the fact that we sometimes don’t know how to ask for it. I offer a lot of advice on this in my free ebook Alone But Not Lonely : 7 Steps To True Connection For Introverts. You can download it here: http://introvertspring.com/alone-ebook?ap_id=admin
I like the new site. Number 2,3,5 are the main things I get. That’s when I need some space to process.
Thanks Pete! 🙂
OMG!!!! That nails it! Thank you for spelling it out!!!!!!!
Sad part us, I get plenty of recharging time. I just have severe anxiety I believe full heartedly came as a result of my depression.
Hi
I have been working for the last fifty years and I am starting to lose it. I am concerned about not working and it’s effect on my social being. I am very sensitive and because of that I tend to be alone more because I can’t deal with what people might think of me.
Any suggestions on how I might turn my life around .?
I’ve been living alone for 11 years, and half that time, I’ve spent deployed in combat zones…as an introvert, I never got time to decompress..working, eating, rooming with others takes its toll…I have a long break right now between deployments and it’s hard to cope with my feelings and sharing my experiences. It’s ironic that I’d rather be by myself or have one or two people in my circle of trust, but at the same time, it’s hard to talk about my feeling, worries and thoughts…introverts need love and support, too and I seem to forget that and try to go it alone.
Self destruct is a good word because today, I went off, blew up at some minor thing. Really blew up, I could feel the negative energy build up..after, I felt better like I released a lot of pressure but at the same time I was physically drained and my head hurt and I had to spend the day in bed..being an introvert, with anxiety and depression is something I have not learned to manage, but the article gave good tips about how to just make it through the day.
Oh, I very much understand this. Especially today. I started a job at a daycare recently and obviously there’s not much time for yourself when you have a bunch of 5 year olds running around! And today was just a lot of self destruction for me mentally! I was so glad to get home! It’s really interesting to see all the things I do when I get mentally exhausted written out in words. Now I am really aware of what’s going on with me, I just need to be alone!
Thanks for sharing that, Sophie! I used to work at daycares so I know how exhausting it is! Happy recharging dearest. 🙂 xo
I am so there! I just broke up with my boyfriend of 5.5 years and I am so depressed, I feel really worthless, I’ll never have another boyfriend, etc. Sigh.
Thank you for this fantastic article. I just found this gem after having been through all these points, and it’s incredibly frustrating how little understanding there is about our situation, I ended up with bad thoughts and crying.
Such things are not unique to primary cognitive introverts. They can and do happen to us all. When I studied multiple models of personality type, I found that reactions to stress on multiple levels – cognition, interaction style, and temperament – can lead to behaviors of various kinds. Dr. Linda Berens’ workbooks on these areas of personality are unparalleled in my experience to date, and examining why we react as we do under stress on all three levels is one of the reasons why.
Thanks for a great site. I have just missed out on a job for being an ‘innie’… I didn’t fit the profile. I was doing the job for 4 years and ‘burnt out’, didn’t have the tools to recognise the signs, left for three years and tried to get back in, but, no good. Your comments and tips have been a great help. I live with 6 extroverts… so never a dull (quite) moment… time to watch some more rugby on tv 🙂
Anyone got any advice for fast and effective relaxation?, I have all these signs in spades at the moment but can’t take any holidays until feb next year, I’m always angry and am even started to get irritable when my partner comes home from work my work shifts are all 10 hours a piece with majority of that spend around people, I get 2 days off here and there but just when I feel like I’m starting to recharge I’m back at work
This is my safe haven! Thank you for the platform and your genuine love, Michaela ❤ it means a lot to me.
I often have these signs while I’m still in the office, working. And I work at a place where there needs to be constant contact with people. How do I manage the situation then? How do I keep myself from hurting others?
I have a problem with finding the quiet corner to isolate myself to recharge. I am currently dating a girl that doesn’t understand me and will follow me relentlessly, over and over just pushing my buttons. Do you have any advice?
Hi Jason. Have you tried explaining to her that you need alone time because you are an introvert?
I do get annoyed by some people. I do sometimes have skepticism that my online business would succeed. I still deal with shyness when I am around other people. But, I do not let those problems bother me. I guess because I turn to the Lord God for help. Also, I believe or know that I would have a better life. I just have to wait.
I have no reason to self-destruct because I want to enjoy life and run successful online business(es). I want to inspire others…
Thanks Michaela. This article came at just the right time. I’ve been feeling self destructive this week and needed a loving readjustment to my mental state. Big hugs to you and the wonderful job your doing to help.
I’m happy it was timely for you, Vincent! We all go through these times as innies! 🙂
I had an awful week, I went into energy debt from overextending myself and not recharging. I was having difficulty setting boundaries over my quiet alone time, I pretty much had all these symptoms. I finally advocated for myself when I couldn’t wait a second longer. I have trouble with guilt when I ask for the time I need, and sometimes I have to be very direct and clear about it and that’s difficult. I know I’m going to have to make some changes if I want to be healthy and happy. I seem to struggle a lot with that though. I hope it will become less difficult, I had felt so angry, irritable, and irrational, I don’t like that feeling at all.
Thanks for sending this Michaela, it really helped remind me I have to be more vigilant about taking care of myself. Before I found your work I had little clue about being introverted, I had always tried (and still struggle with) trying to keep up with the extrovert crowd, ignoring myself and so on, I wasn’t sure what was wrong. Reading your work has brought me out of ignorance, now I have to step things up and begin taking better care of myself!
Thank you for all the amazing work you do!!!
Thanks so much for your honesty Michela. You’re a ray of sunshine and hope in my life right now!
It is so bizarre to read this and note how all of these behaviors are blamed (if you will) on being an introvert (I am an INFJ). However, in my case specifically, they have been attributed to Premestual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD); then Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD); then Major Depressive Disorder-Treatment Resistant (MDD). No wonder I can’t seem to understand anything. 🙁
Michela, since finding “Introvert Spring” almost 4 years ago, I’ve gotten to know myself & why I am the way I am more than the previous 60 odd years before that. Your knowledge & way of putting introversion is so up lifting to me. I just wish I had found you earlier. Now I can honestly say “Nothing” to those who ask “What is wrong with you?” or “Why are you so quiet?” When that happens I get to explain Introversion to an Extrovert. They usually had NO idea…
Ha ha. So true!!
Michela, this is where I am right-now, this very moment. I’m in the “demon-function” and it feels like I’m getting deeper.
Where I reside, I live surrounded by people of a different religion than my own, and they actively seek to harm my family and me.
I’m INFJ, my wife is an INFP, and our children are ENFJ, INFP, INFJ, and INFJ.
I battled cancer for 3-4 years, and then, last year (thanks to G-d only) I won. Today though, I am weak, suffer from “chemo brain” and all sorts of residual damage from the cancer–I was born with a heart problem and neurological-damage.
People expect me to do all these things, and I just can’t. My family and I are now more than 200% below the poverty-line. And I am stuck in a Ni-Ti loop that is so extreme that I haven’t the foggiest clue how to get out.
I tried to volunteer locally in various organizations, but because I’m not the same religion as they, I’m forbidden. Never-mind that I received a commendation from our city for services I’ve done for our city. I have no opportunity to exercise my Fe–and, no opportunities to do anything at all.
Your prayers and advise are much needed!
Thanks michaela. I got input on strength finders at work sounds remarkbly like what you said troll and all
You’re welcome, Virginia! 🙂
Any of these? How about all of them with a side of expletives. (*^$#$*$@!
Funny how in tune your emails can be with my present situations. Are you watching me?
I’m going for an overdue workout and then some guitar..
Thanks Michela
Thanks for pointing this out, Michaela. I just wish I had time to recharge, but nope I didn’t. I can never have a chance to just… be alone. It went badly for me the whole month. I’m feeling better now, but I still want that much-needed alone time. Hope to get it soon.
Introverts see beauty in creation that extroverts often miss because they are to busy connecting to any situation. I would rather sit on a mountianside and glory on the raptous beauty of painted mountains as the sun sets.
Your posts are just soooo on point, cant relate anymore
Perfect timing on your post – hit this wall last night at a meeting about website redesign for my sailing club. Barely kept myself in check and went home right after, usually I’d stick around for a drink. Bad sleep for two prior nights put my brain and personality in a vice-grip.
I SO can relate to this. This is how I’m feeling almost every day. Sucks, yeah. But taking time off and be alone, even if it’s for only one or two hours brings a change. However, that’s kind of hard for me to communicate that I want to be alone. Difficult, if you’re living with another introvert in a too close relationship. There’s hardly ever an opportunity to completely withdraw unless the s.o. thinks there’s something out of order. Do you have an advice on how to communicate that I want to have some hours just by myself? Thanks and hugs from Germany
Thanks for sharing that, Diana. The most important thing is to emphasize that your need for alone time doesn’t mean you’re angry or you don’t like the other person. Also, bring the topic up before you’re in the self-destruct zone. 😉
Thanks Michaela for your informative and inspiring messages. I am grateful that I am currently not exhibiting these symptoms, but they are very familiar to me. I used to experience many of these, and was so angry for being labelled as dysfunctional. I have been diagnosed as having anxiety, depression, ptsd, and chronic pain (among other things) and have had numerous breakdowns over my life during exceedingly stressful periods. I used to push myself harder and was hurt and angry when others would tell me to toughen up, or ask “What is wrong with you?” After a lot of research and exploring lots of therapies, I learned that what helped the most was to be compassionate with myself and others, to stop blaming and indulging in negative thinking, and to recharge with quiet time and fulfilling activities, even if it means that I spend a lot of time alone. If I don’t take that time for myself I end up sick and miserable. I am learning how to own who I am without apology. I am blessed in many ways to have a partner who gives me space to be alone without judgement, though it has taken us many years to reach this level of understanding with one another. He encourages me to maintain my friendships, as well as to be myself, and appreciates that my need for solitude means that he gets time for what he needs too – fishing or hanging out with friends, without complaint from me, most of the time. ?
Sometimes I relate with the second point about being self-critical for example when I want to talk with a friend but I don’t have a topic to talk because yesterday I studied many hours for my final exams or the activities that I did are not so interés tina for my friend or other persons. I start ruminating every day about the good and bad decisions, about my friends, about how to be like Jesús Christ, how to be a succesful person like Bill Gates and many more. I am a nerd that likes to play videogames, learn New things about history or other topics, study things like math or other topics, Read books. I’m not good at socializing with my friends or other people, for me it’s an enigma.
I can’t tell you how good it is to know there are other people out there like me. Most of my life I always felt like something was wrong with me. Thanks to you I understand myself much better. I appreciate you very much!
Is anyone else out there an INFP?
I seem to be experiencing all the negative feedback from people when I am quiet or just need to be left alone. Some “friends” take it as their personal mission to include me in activities/conversations that they enjoy as extroverts (I’d rather take a beating than do some of these “fun” things).
I recently quit my 35 yo career as a physician due to increasing constraints and demands- from government, insurance companies, and patients too. I call it Compassion Overload, and I got to the point where I knew I just needed to STOP this crazy train and heal my body and soul. I have started taking painting lessons, and even though painting is my life passion (and very therapeutic), I still feel guilty for not taking care of others first. I feel a need to justify leaving a lucrative career (moneywise), so I can just paint and daydream myself in to who I was probably meant to be 60 years ago. All the suggestions are very much appreciated!
PS: It took me awhile to figure out that my passion is doing what I get caught up in, with no regard for time. I can paint for hours and not notice that I haven’t even thought about anything else. This is what I enjoyed doing when I was a kid, with few restraints like what I “should” do. Think about it-what would you do with your life if you didn’t have to take care of the “shoulds”. I hope you all find your peaceful “should-less” passion!
Hi Michaela, this article has really helped me. I have fallen for another introvert. I have known in for a long time but following the breakup of my marriage we have been in contact via text message. After a year of this, strong feelings for each other have surfaced and he bravely suggested a possible meet up (we live in different countries) which I agreed to. A week later he backed out and has since completely pulled away, citing feeling low and tiredness. I think he may be overwhelmed and experiencing burn out. What are the other causes that can lead to burnout other than socialisation? Thanks so much