Have you ever thought of the absolute perfect thing to say …
10 minutes too late?
Or spent an entire conversation desperately grasping an interrupted thought you didn’t get the chance to share?
If so, you’re like many introverts who struggle with verbal communication. You see, introverts need more time to think before we speak. We’re not like extroverts, who are verbal processors.
Unless we’re talking about a topic that we’re very knowledgeable and/or excited about, the words don’t come easily.
The introvert’s dilemma in conversation
Often, gathering our thoughts can feel like reaching into a pen of rambunctious bunny rabbits. There are so many of them bouncing around, it’s hard to grasp onto just one. By the time we do get a hold of the right thought to share, the conversation has already raced away from us. Not only that.
The person we’re talking with has made one of three assumptions about us:
a) We’re not so bright.
b) We’re not really interested in the conversation.
c) We don’t want to talk, so it’s ok to monopolize the conversation and interrupt us after even the slightest pause.
Usually, it’s none of the above. In fact, assumption “c” is one of the most frustrating misconceptions we introverts face. Just because we don’t talk much, doesn’t mean we have nothing to say. Au contraire!
Give us a little time and encouragement, and we can be quite the conversationalists. The confusion lies in the way that introverts approach communication. Allow me to explain.
The introverted approach to conversation
Extrovert conversations resemble a game of ping pong with back and forth dialogue delivered at a dizzying speed.
Introverts, on the other hand, prefer to take our time with each topic. We would rather dive deep into one subject, than hurriedly skim several. I equate it with the traveller who goes to Europe for a month and casually meanders through two or three countries versus the eager beaver who tries to cram in as many countries as possible.
Laurie Helgoe, author of Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength, compares introvert conversations to jazz:
“Introvert conversations are like jazz. Each player gets to solo for a nice stretch before the other player comes in and does his solo.”
The introvert advantage of slow speech
We shouldn’t feel bad about our slow-talking ways – quite the opposite! Speaking slowly is a key component of effective communication. It allows others to understand, process and appreciate what we are saying. It can also make us appear more confident because speaking quickly is a sign of nervousness.
Taking time to compose your thoughts before speaking has the added advantage of making you appear more intelligent. Small pauses show that you are thinking. They also increase anticipation and tension, drawing the listener in. The introvert advantage in conversation is subtle, but very powerful.
How to avoid awkward silences
Many introverts worry that our slowness of speech creates too many awkward silences. This is a valid concern. A conversation is meant to have some back an forth. Nobody wants to be that guy who is always dropping the ball.
Here are some tips for avoiding awkward silences:
Stop overthinking and relax
As an introvert, you probably have a tendency to overthink things. You might spend so much time worrying about the awkward silence that you miss opportunities to reengage. Great conversation involves a certain amount of spontaneity, which can only occur when you get out of your head and relax into the moment.
Give yourself permission to share
Have you ever wished that someone would ask you exactly the right questions so you could open up to them? You waited for an invitation to share your successes, your worries, your dreams.
But it never came.
That’s because most people don’t know exactly the right questions to ask. So, it’s up to you to go ahead and share what you want to share anyway. Extroverts are good at this. They need no invitation to talk about themselves. Why should you?
Give yourself permission to fill those awkward silences with some revelations about yourself.
Brush up on your speaking skills
Join my mailing list and discover tools and techniques to communicate with confidence. You’ll also get my 50-page Introvert Connection Guide for attracting your ideal friends in your own quiet way.
Xo,
I missed your webinar Will you have some more webinars coming up?
Hi Annika, yes I will have about one per month. The best way to make sure you don’t miss out is to subscribe to my mailing list (if you haven’t already). 🙂
My husband says I don’t respond to people right that
I don’t address what’s said and say something totally unrelated to what was said.
Hi. New reader here. Great post. I also struggle with this. I find it easiest to speak when I’m passionate about a topic otherwise I would prefer to sit and listen to other people talk.
I’ve also started a blog about being an ambitious introvert. Please check it out http://www.quietlyambitious.co.uk
Michaela, just some spontanous thoughts. 🙂 – Even as an “introvert” I’m not that bad in conversations and I’m also able to talk spontanous – but: Of course this also is depending on the conversation-partner. In my opinion, a real GOOD conversation has less to do with “introvert” or “extrovert” but MORE with “fair play”, “fairness”, that means EACH person should have a real chance to speak – and to be heard! For example this way: speak – shut up & LISTEN – (short) pause – speak – shut up & LISTEN – (short) pause … and so on… responsively. – A really GOOD conversation always should end on “win:win” – situation! If not – in my opinion – it was no conversation but garbage (or useless small talk) and you better forget it at once! 🙂 (I know this “ideal” is extremely rarely, you easily can watch this in politics! Ugh!) –
Matthias
PS.
By the way: For me “silence” is NEVER awkward – I LOVE it! – and for extroverts it’s a perfect chance to calm down and to take a deep breath! hahahaha
For the longest time I really thought I was alone. From the constant guilt of feeling as if I’m not doing enough or “being” enough despite my accomplishments; from always rehearsing every conversation and feeling even more frustrated afterwards as I think of things I could have said to make that conversation “better”; and from despising small-talk while preferring to truly connect on a deeper level, I believed that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. But after finding your blog, I realize that I am one of many who suffer through these feelings just the same. Thank you for opening your heart to your fellow introverts and giving us the tools to not only accept who we are, but to embrace our nature. Many may never understand us, but at least they can appreciate the depth of our hearts 😉
Best,
PJ
You’re welcome PJ! I’m happy my blog has helped you to realize you are not alone and you ARE enough. xxo
Thank you so much for the insightful blog post. It truly helps to know how to face the little struggles of , though most annoying!
Good luck for your future success!
And im anxiously waiting for future webinars ??
Sometimes, I’m blame myself why I can’t speak properly in public. I hope can join your webinars
That’s so true for me! Always late to respond or comment. If I have to make a spontaneous comment, it is always not on the topic unless I am absolutely familiar with the subject. I am the worst interviewee because I can’t sell myself to potential employers. I can prepare a perfect PPT for my boss but can’t give a presentation. I get very nervous as soon as I open my mouth and forget what I want to present. That really dampens my self esteem.
Being slow in commenting had hurt me several times during the Medical School exams where you are supposed to blurt out your Diagnosis after speaking with a Patient – Actor for 7 minutes! I get a complete Brain-Fog as soon as I start speaking 🙁 I concur with a notion of this trait dampening my self-esteem to the point that I don’t believe .I could pass.
Your article hit the nail on the head. I meet every week a group of people to talk about a certain topic brought up by a different person each week. I never know what their topic will be. As soon as the topic is offered, my thought process starts swirling all over the place “like reaching into a pen of rambunctious bunny rabbits”. I appreciate you’re suggestions in your post especially about overthinking and learning to relax. I have been learning mediation recently as a way to relax. It is helping when I meet with the group each week.
Thank you, Michaela for your suggestions about ways to deal with our introversion. It is long overdue for us introverts that needed to find out that we are not alone!
Is there a book by the same title?
Not that I’ve heard of
I don’t know about other countries, but the place where I live consists of %95 extroverts (forced to be extroverts included) so about this very common subject, usually it’s option “a”. Especially if you’re a girl, it increases the power of the “a” option. If you can’t catch the subject and answer properly then you are an idiot. I really hate that and if there is anything I hate more, it is this; you can’t tell these people the brain process differences, soul differences. Leave that aside, they don’t even know what is extrovert, introvert. Here, introvert means shy, idiot, passive blah blah actually there is no term to explain introvert, extrovert… So it’s easy to tell these here or whatsoever, but in a place where people are very ignorant and wilful about those terms, it’s hard, like super hard.
Thank you Michaela for this article. I wish all my colleagues could read this to understand. My poor ability to talk is causing me a lot of problems with my work. Everyone tehere seems to be extroverts and think the best way to get things done are talking in constant meetings which I am not well suited to at all.