Introverts can behave very differently in private compared to in public. While we might come off as aloof, self-contained and even snobby around strangers and acquaintances, we can be quite the opposite when we are in the right environment with our most trusted friends.
A former coworker of mine once described her partner as extremely quiet and reserved when out with friends, but “a little monster” at home. I knew exactly what she meant. Her otherwise stoic boyfriend was talkative, silly and uninhibited with her. Like many introverts, he only revealed his other side to his most trusted companion.
This particular coworker was easygoing, very accepting and a great listener – the kind of extrovert that introverts flock to. So, it was no surprise to me that she had an introverted boyfriend who trusted her enough to be completely uninhibited in her presence.
I suspect that most introverts have an inner little monster that they only share with those who they completely trust. Because each of us is as complex and unique as a snowflake, our other side can take many forms.
Possible manifestations of an introvert’s other side:
- Wildness
- Silliness and a love for the ridiculous
- Strong opinions about a range of topics
- A highly sensitive and vulnerable side
- Rebelliousness
- A surprising tenderness
Personally, I have a gigantic inner monster that I only completely share with one or two people. I have often worried that I should be more open with more friends.
The trouble is, I find it difficult to connect on that kind of a level with most people. I feel like all the stars must align and some sort of cosmic connection must ensue in order for me to completely open up.
After a lot of thought, I’ve concluded that all of us have an innate need to reveal our truest selves to the world. We want to give our spirit a voice; we want to share our deepest thoughts, beliefs and values; we crave a safe space to let our little monster run wild.
For introverts, this innate desire can cause frustration since we don’t go around flashing our little monster at just anyone. I think this is all the more reason to find your voice as an introvert and tell the world who you are with more than words.
In the meantime, we can be grateful for those few people who have seen our other side and accept us for who we are. They should be grateful too; they are among an elite few who have earned the love, devotion and complete trust of an introvert.
They have seen our little monster and love us all the more for it.
I can tend to get a form of verbal diarrhea in situations with people I have just met that my mom (also an introvert) says is a Sacramento thing. It tends to get surreal with me knowing that I am talking, but just not being able to shut up. I have also been known to dance wildly without a care in public! Of course some of this has taken years to come about after realizing I was introverted at about age three. I didn’t have the terminology, but I did have the knowledge of what was going on in my own world!
That’s really interesting, Kellie. Sounds like you were a very wise three year-old. 😉
Hi Michaela! 🙂
This post describes my personality to a t.
In school (especially in junior high) I was called everything from ‘weird’, ‘complex’, ‘moody’, ‘arrogant’ and ‘shy’, to ‘nervous’. Teachers used to be ‘concerned’ for my ‘psychological welfare’ and ‘popular’ students (especially girls) used to bombard me with what I considered to be highly intrusive questions and hurtful and ludicrous statements like ‘why are so quiet?’, ‘why are you so gloomy?’, ‘why are you so serious?’, ‘it’s good to have friends’, ‘smile and the world smiles with you’, ‘you should come out of your shell’, ‘we are all here for you’ etc. Needless to say, I was fed up and it really got on my nerves. When I started getting good grades in the last two years of high school, the bullying and intrusiveness stopped and I felt a sense of relief.
But these experiences in junior high changed me, profoundly.
In college, I developed this reputation among a couple of my highly extroverted classmates (some of whom actually became my close friends), for being crazy (in a hilarious way) and a ‘goofball’. I was on the one hand, very well liked by my professors and on the other hand, a lot of my friends declared that ‘there was no telling, what she’ll come up with next’. I guess it was probably my strong powers of observation (which IMHO, is one of the gifts of being introverted!) and my wicked sense of humour! 😛 I even used to get invited to interesting ‘events’ like pub night! I But this side of me, the ‘little monster’ (as described in your post) would surface only for a select few. As a result, some of my extroverted friends just couldn’t stomach the fact that I was the exact opposite in public. I have even been asked questions like ‘are you ill?’, accompanied by remarks and ‘observations’ like ‘you seem to be a shadow of your old and cheerful self!’. I guess I am what people refer to as a private extrovert and public introvert.
But there is more. Coupled with my introversion, I am also Highly Sensitive. My tendency to ‘please people’, has led to severe mental exhaustion! To be honest, there have been times when I used to try and be hilarious and goofy, just for the sake of it. Just for the sake of ‘mingling’, ‘coming out of my shell’ and masking my introversion! And hence, I sometimes, couldn’t afford to retreat into my own personal space, to get away from highly energy draining social situations!
As I have grown older, I have become much more comfortable with and proud of my true personality, namely a Highly Sensitive Introvert, coupled with a little bit of private Extroversion! 😉 Your blog and Susan McCain’s book have really helped me in the process of re-discovering myself and quite frankly Michaela, I can’t thank you enough! Reading your blog posts and the comments from fellow Introverts, makes me feel happy, confident and accepted! Introversion is another personality trait, like Extroversion. Nothing negative or wrong about that. In fact, I am of the opinion, that ‘Silence Is Golden’ and that the world needs more Introverts, like us! 🙂
Your description is the most striking I have read so far.
Introversion is the result of the world being unable to accept ones true nature. The world becomes a very hostile place for someone who likes to be childish and loud, once he reaches adult age. And smart people can find themselfs quite lonly amongst most populace.
We infact aren’t antisocial, there are just very few people we feel comfortable with showing and indulging in our (often strong but repressed) sociological needs.