Does anyone else find this scenario really annoying?
You walk into a cafe, kindle in tow, in the hopes of having a nice warm drink and nibbling on some fiction. But when you get there, electronic music blasts from the speakers.
You sit and wonder whose brilliant idea it was to crank up the music so loud you can hardly think. I mean, seriously, who wants to listen to a Justin Bieber remix as they drink their morning coffee?
These were exactly my thoughts the other day when I went to lunch at what appeared to be a cute little local cafeāthe perfect place to linger and read. But no.
The music was so loud I could barely even eat without twitching with anxiety, let alone read my book. And what did I do about it?
Well, I did what most introverts would do.
I sat and stewed. I had arguments in my head. (Excuse me, but what is the logic here? No one is going to walk into a quiet cafe and think, what? No mind-numbingly loud top 40 music? Iām outta here! But at least half your customers will find the music insanely aggravating.)
I silently raged for a while, and then I decided to do something that is incredibly hard for an introvert.
This is so tough for introverts
Donāt ask me why this particular thing is so tough for introverts. It doesnāt really make sense, especially if youāre a fairly confident and rational person.
Youāre not afraid of talking per se. But you find it hard toā¦
- Tell your massage therapist that youād like her to be more firm if itās not too much trouble, thank you very much, and sorry I asked.
- Tell the waiter that somethingās wrong with your order. Heās so busy and you donāt want to come off as demanding. Besides, it will take you half the meal to formulate exactly how youāll phrase your complaint.
- Ask your bus or Uber driver if maybe perhaps they could let you off at the next cornerāoh but when is the right time to let them know? You spend so much time thinking about when to speak up that you miss your chance. (If you’ve never used Uber, here is a coupon for $10 off your first ride)
I consider myself a confident introvert and I find all of the above situations challenging. For some reason, I still find it hard to ask for what I want in certain scenarios. Which is why what I did at the cafe was so out of character.
The next time the waitress came to my table to check on me (yes, I waited patiently for her to come over instead of flagging her downābaby steps), I asked if she could please turn down the music. And she was like, āyeah, of courseā. And she did. And that was that.
Isnāt it funny that we turn asking for what we want into this big scary thing when the other person is usually happy to oblige?
The request is a flicker in their day that theyāll forget in an instant. We introverts, on the other hand, give a great deal of thought and energy toward the act of asking.
But like so many other things, the fear of asking is all in our head. So, the next time you feel afraid or embarrassed to, say, ask for some extra sauce for your sandwich, or tell your hairdresser to go easy with the layers this time, just go ahead and ask.
It wonāt hurtāat least not as much as you think it will. I promise.
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What about you?
Can you relate to the annoying scenario I shared? Do you also have trouble asking for what you want? Please do share in the comments below. ?
Love,
Yes, have same problem but if the issue is important/particularly bothersome, I will take steps to get it rectified.
Yes, I feel the same way, Carol! š
You know, I consistently ask for what I want despite the guilt I feel for asking in the first place.
I do this to reaffirm to myself that I’m not a coward.
I thought I would ‘do it nicely’. Went into a shop which usually has thumping music on and found it was quiet. So I commented on how good it was not have the music on, only to have the shop assistant dash to the radio and switch it on, saying she had forgotten! Needless to say I exited quickly, rather than have an altercation which would stress me out the rest of the day.
So very true, but it is only getting worse. Stores everywhere and every place are playing the annoying top 40, Lose spiritual acumen and be as close to annoying as possible.
It is getting to the point where Even headphones; which seem to all be designed to ruin you now; are needed to go out everywhere. Everywhere is abuzz with garbage.
No where can anyone hear a nice classical music piece anymore. Rap garbage is the new āstyleā. Anything to make people more on edge, fearful or full of anxiety.
Eat your animal products, poutine, drink alcohol, drink your fancy coffee, zap your brain with any manner of blu tooth, wifi etc, but do not just zen out and listen to a concerto, or a wonderful mantra.
If you are not stressed, they will find a way to make it So is how the dark side is making everything, but at the same time, it is being allowed to see itself for how truly ugly it is.
When was the last divine piece ever produced?? Everything now is reality garbage and rap junk. Nothing of true value has been introduced for a long time, nor will it, as Everything is exposed for how it is. All the masks are being removed, so everything is seen for what it is.
If you doubt me, go listen to the 10000 Japanese singing Beethovenās ode to joy and tell me anything close to this has been; this is the big word; composed as of late.
Take it or leave it.
Just to show how useless it is complaining, in my gym, I asked they turn down the TV; I legitimately call it an āIdiot Boxā. They have since turned it up at the entrance.
This world is made to be as annoying as possible and to get everyone riled up.
Your bothering with them is useless and the only answer is a spiritual one.
Find your answers within and let them stew in their idiocies.
I am relieved at your words, Anita. I see that many introverts value the classical music, as do I. I detest shopping anyway, so hearing the new styles of music just abuses my senses.
Welp, I’m gonna have to disagree with you pretty hard here. I hate classical music – and I’m the introvert type voted most likely to appreciate it (INTJ). Don’t get me wrong, I understand and appreciate the merits of a classical piece and its impact on the musical world at large, but I’m a sucker for a good beat and some hard-hitting lyrics about current events. Also. Dubstep. <3
And yes, I absolutely WILL enjoy my animal products, my poutine, and my favorite craft beer – peacefully – because I enjoy those things. I'm sorry that you have so many complaints with the world around you, but the common denominator seems to be YOU.
Meaning exists where you look for it and how a thing speaks to you. 1000 Japanese singing Beethoven's Ode to Joy speaks nothing to me, just as I'm sure Childish Gambino's new tune speaks nothing to you. Live and let be, man.
As a 73 year old ‘re-forming’ introvert, I have learned to do this and I do whenever I feel the need to much to the dismay of my also introverted life partner who cringes whenever I do so.
Most of the time it works just fine as you mentioned, Michaela…
but sometimes, if the service person is not having her best day she can be quite unco-operative (probably another introvert whose stimulation level is over the top).
One waitress told me that if she turns the music down or off as I requested because there was not another soul in the place someone else would complain. And the deli’s policy was to favour those who preferred the radio on – owners were probably extroverts.
I decided to stop frequenting that particular place. Too iffy.
When the request causes a less than smooth response,
I then spend the rest of the day re-playing the interaction.
Alas…
I have been working on this! Like you said, usually it works out just fine! And I realized how often I make allowances for other based solely on their preference. We do so many things purely because someone wants to or likes something, no questions asked. Why canāt I be one of those people? Itās a process. Iām glad Iām not the only one š
This is super relevant to me. Thank you! ?
Happens all too often. Itās a flicker for them, but our adrenaline takes hours to subside and the ordeal turns into an event that we turn over and over in our heads for the next few weeks. So not fair, right?
I used to but not so much anymore. I learned that I can’t expect others to do for me what I am unwilling to voice.
Ah so this is just another facet of my introvert brain?! I thought I was just fearful and psychologically inadequate, and despaired of ever being being “assertive”. Like you & Carol, in some circumstances it’s not a problem, but there are plenty of others where I know I should say something, give myself prompts, but just can’t seem to get it out of my mouth. What is the difference, psychologically, between the INFJ version, and someone who is fearful and un-assertive? It looks the same on the outside …
OMG, I know! I thought I was just weird about this…turns out I’m just introverted! And, I’m not alone…so helpful!!!
ha ha. even having a baby and after surgery so uncomfortable to ask a nurse for help. don’t want to be a bother. is it that i became too good at playing martyr? or watch others do the opposite – play helpless.
My “being afraid to speak up” phase nearly disappeared, but it’s still sort of there. I’m 29, and I still feel very, very strange to speak to someone if something is wrong. It’s like someone else is speaking even though it’s really me.
Hi Michaela!
I had the same problem. I went to Starbucks this morning thinking it would be a great time to go since hardly anybody wouldn’t be there. And I thought they wouldn’t have the music blaring. WRONG!!! The music was really loud and I could barely concentrate on what I was there to do. So, instead of asking someone to turn the music down, I put my laptop in my bad and walked out. It was really annoying to stay there.
As a guy I get a very basic haircut, and I like it very short on top. Part of the problem is that I’m anxious to get out of there and escape all the small talk and frenetic activity, but I just can’t seem to ask for “a little more off the top”. It’s aggravating.
Yes! This is me pretty much everyday. Heck, even over the phone, when I text someone a question I think is risky, I have to build up courage to look at their response lol
ALL I CAN SAY FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART TO EVERYONE ON HERE..IS THAT EVEN THO PSYCHOLOGY AND SCIENCE OFFERS GOOD BENEFITS…NOTHING COMPARES TO THE POWER OF A CERTAIN BOOK THAT HAS BEEN RIDICULE SINCE THE FIRST CENTURY.
Ha ha, so true. And how about open plan offices? I had the misfortune of being trapped in such an environment sandwiched between a recruitment team and a business development team and an account management team, all trying to out extrovert each other in the fun and enthusiasm stakes and each team armed with a radio. Over time it actually made me ill. I thought it was my fault. I thought there was something wrong with me in that I wasn’t a ‘team player ‘ or I was a ‘party pooper’. I wonder how many poor introverts are trapped in such environments and can’t escape because it’s their livelihood. I escaped but not without consequence – I haven’t worked since and I’m plagued with a fear of being trapped like that again.
Yep, been there, done…..nothing about it! The last time it happened was in a cafe in a small town close to where I work. Instead of heading north to Perth at the end of my 7 day swing, I had to go south, so I thought I’d get an early start in the morning and then stop in town for breakfast. It was wintertime and pretty cold that morning, ( well, what a lot of us Aussies call cold anyway ), so I was pretty surprised to walk into the cafe and they had the air-con running flat out and on what must have been the coldest setting possible. I was hungry so I thought I’d tough it out though. What a horrible breakfast – I was freezing cold and so was my meal. But did i complain about it? No way. I voted with my feet and left that ice box and never returned. I really showed them!
Why don’t I ask straightaway is because I feel that if I do, then I would have disturbed the environment. I feel I would be that agent who has brought a change to the current setting which might bring people’s attention to me. That’s typical overthinking of me, I know. But I can’t help it š
Exactly how I feel Debashish. That it’s our fault for changing the environment & do we have at the core of us “the right to do that”?
May be not over thinking it but looking at it from a completely different angle that may be others may not see it in that light
This is my (over) thinking too, I donāt want to draw attention to myself. Unfortunately that loud music is seen by many people as āatmosphereā and I do the arguments in my head thing all the time. I kick myself when I start my sentence with āI donāt like to complainā but I still do it!
Once in a restaurant they played very sad love songs very loud and I just had to go out of my comfortzone and ask the waiter very polite if he could please put on some other kind of music because it almost (seriously!) made me cry. He appologized and did it right away!
I find it hard though in many areas of life to speak up for my needs, but I have improved on the small things like the above, but find it harder in relationships. I am to often more focused on the order persons nee ds.
I always looked at it as a symptom of growing up with parents who wasn’t that much focused on my needs, for various reasons
Yes I can relate with this one. Finding myself failing to say it out and then blaming myself later on why I could not. So frustrating at times
Yes, yes, I get this 100% AND I’m so thankful for your posting and the comments from others. It helps me feel less alone. Thank you!!!
Like you I take a while to formulate what I am going to say. Sometimes I miss ‘the window’ and refrain from doing so. I think about almost everything I am about to say. I also tail off at the end of my sentences due to worrying if people are growing bored. This irritates me no end and I am trying to actively improve.
Oh! I’m with you on this one Michaela. I’m exactly the same I’m a confident introvert who generally doesn’t struggle when I talk to people, but yes all those things are had for me to do, plus many other situations which are more than a little challenging. I used be a massage therapist & knew the fear around asking for more or less pressure, so I always said to my clients they could ask me any time & that worked well.
The cafe thing I find particularly challenging as I’m pretty sure people have their own tastes in music & they often don’t run to Justin Bieber, especially if they’re over 35. I have asked about the music in the past & found some people seem to think that, that is a sign to turn it up rather than down or off, which is always interesting when your supposed to be in sales. Anyway I digress. Its great to know that another person no matter how confident they are experiences the same fears a I do.
This conversation is so refreshing. Although I am predominantly an extrovert, I absolutely own this trait. I usually lie to myself about why it is so important to take time to improve the communication but we all know better! What’s even funnier is how last week I explained to my introvert girlfriend that she should stop doing something that bugs me.
Even SHE asked me ” why did you take so long to tell me?”
Anyone else ever feel this way? I usually just go along with whatever other people “primarily extroverted friends and family members” want to do. I feel I am very accommodating, and it usually does not bother me to help others or let them direct the show. However, on the rare occasion when I feel strongly convicted to doing something other than what they want to do or voicing my opinion, people seem to vehemently object. I feel like I practically have to yell and scream before I am heard-then people can’t believe I have can be so bold as to express MY desires. What to do??
So many introverts are very confident people, like myself. I think the issue, at least in my case, is that we don’t want to take the time and energy to do what we need to to get what we want achieved. We’re aggravated by a situation but does the situation bother us enough for us to exert energy to deal with it (meaning having to talk to someone else and get them to understand….)? Interacting is just so darn draining sometimes. It’s largely overwhelming to consider that that person who we need to interact with may really be taxing.
I understand you completely. I stopped going into hair salons and learnt to do my hair at home just because asking them to put in a little more conditioner was harder than anything.
The other day I ate noodle soup at my fav cafe but only gathered courage to ask about the noodles after the meal- the forgot to put them in- so I had just drunk water with onions and veg floating in it.
Hello. So I just found this blog. I am one of the most introverted introverts that I know, so even though this community seems very friendly, I find myself creeping around the edges, reading posts, wondering if I should jump in, and if I will be accepted, or simply tolerated.
When I read this post, I literally laughed out loud. You see, I stumbled across this blog while I was doing an internet search for “good career choices for introverts.” I have known for some time now that I fit “scary good” into the description of what it means to be an introvert. I have read a lot of books, blogs, and articles on the subject. This blog seemed particularly good, so I thought I would take a closer look. (You know, in the way that Nemo’s father peeks out of the sea anemone in the ‘Finding Nemo’ movie.)
Anyway, when I started reading about your experience with the obnoxious music at the cafĆ©, I felt myself get heated. I was JUST having this discussion with my husband about Barnes and Noble (I’m so sorry Barnes. Please don’t be mad. Love you, love my Nook etc. etc.) I used to love going there when it was still a bookstore that felt like a library. They used to play soft quiet music, and you could read an entire book undisturbed before deciding if you wanted to purchase it. Now you walk in to the blaring Justin Bieber music that you described, steer clear of what appears to be a kid’s birthday party going on in the children’s section, and quickly grab a book off the shelf before being tackled by the “helpful” salesperson who wants to know if you’ve found everything ok. “Yes, thank you,” I say on the outside, while on the inside I’m thinking that what I found looks like the gateway to Hell!
So anyway, as I’m reading the post and agreeing whole heartedly, I see that the point of the narrative is to point out the difficulty we Introverts have when it comes to asking for what we want. That’s when I laughed. You see, it make me realize that I had a question that I wanted to ask, and was looking through blog posts trying to find an article that would be a good place for me to ask my question. How very introverted of me!
So if it’s not too much trouble, I was wondering if anyone has any thoughts on whether or not a career in Human Resources would be a good fit for an Introvert. Sounds silly now, doesn’t it!
Thanks for sharing that Jennifer! Sad to hear that Barnes and Noble has fallen to the darks too :P. Human Resources is definitely a more extrovert oriented profession, but you could still thrive in it as an introvert provided that you find the work fulfilling enough to offset the energy drain. You might also need to double your efforts to recharge after work by meditating, doing yoga, and having electronic-free time.
Just a few days ago, I contacted my property manager to complain about the noise level coming from the apartment next to mine. It was an ordeal for me, even though I know it was justified.
For months, I had put up with hearing my neighbors bicker and argue loudly several nights a week while I was trying to sleep. I never said anything because I told myself that sort of things goes with the territory of apartment living, I don’t know if they would retaliate, the management will think I’m unreasonable or high maintenance, etc. Every time it happened, I’d grumble to myself, stew in my frustration, and fantasize about knocking on their door and delivering a brilliantly snide, articulate speech about how they needed to break up or shut up. But, of course, I did nothing but endure it.
However, Sunday night, the noise surpassed ridiculous. They were outright screaming at each other. It was just before midnight and went on nearly an hour. When it finally ended–after spilling into the parking lot when one of them left–I promised myself before (finally!) getting to sleep that I would email the property manager first thing the next morning because enough was enough and their behavior was totally unacceptable. I shouldn’t have to suffer fatigue several days a week because I don’t get enough sleep due to my rude, bickering neighbors.
But, the next day, it took me until 4:00 that afternoon before I could bring myself to write that email. I did battle with myself all day and almost talked myself out of it altogether. After hitting ‘send’, my stomach was in knots until I got a reply from the property manager, who was very receptive and kind about things, thanking me for the information and assuring me that she would handle the situation.
I haven’t heard a peep from next door since. š
And you must be lucky when someone reads your mind and do what you are arguing in your mind about
I was laughing in my mind while reading this because this is exactly me. It’s fun to know that you’re not the only one feeling the frustration of asking. I’m like that the whole time. I’m afraid to ask thinking that it would bother them. Lol
What really annoys me is that people have become so reliant on having a damn digital device with them and can’t put the things away. I think they are being selfish and rude.
I consider myself to be an introvert after having read Michaela’s book. Yet, I still don’t get why people think that they need to tune out the rest of the world by walking around with headphones in their ears or staring at a little computer screen constantly. Yes, the world is noisy and annoying to sensitive people like us. However, I think it’s silly when one goes out in public and immerses in technology and doesn’t wish to pay attention to one’s surroundings. This is why people have been run down or fallen into fountains, because they’re not looking where they’re walking.
Constant music blaring is indeed irritating wherever one goes. But so is the ringing of digital devices and those who mindlessly blat their conversations to an unwilling audience.
If you folks want to read a story about the ludicrous way life actually is these days, then read Ray Bradbury’s story The Murderer. Even though he wrote it over fifty years ago, it is very relevant to what has become of today’s society of constant distraction by noise. And don’t read the story on your Kindle. Read it from a real book!
Personally, I enjoy music in public settings. I find that it often deters any conversation from random strangers if I can just pretend that I can’t hear them! Ha ha.
It’s also something that helps ground me when I start getting anxious and dissociating. Being able to tap into the beat of a song and come back to myself is wonderful.
All that being said, I don’t have problems speaking up. INTJ there and things have to be “proper” you know? š
Shame businesses feel compelled to blast music. Some places let employees choose the music genre and this often leads to music that may not be tailored to the clientele in the business. If I am in a coffee shop with music I don’t care for, I have to play MY music via earbuds much louder than I should. I find restaurants to be particularly difficult. Loud music and lots of people talking makes it an assault leaving me shutting down and wanting to leave asap. On occasion I have spoken up at restaurants-especially when there are a few diners and I want to have a conversation at my table.
I have gotten much better at speaking up when something is not to my liking, but not always.
Good for you, Michaela!
Courage comes in many forms.
In my own awkward way, when being seated by the host or hostess at a restaurant, if I see that they’re going to seat me at a less-than-optimal table, I will ask them quickly if I can be seated at a more suitable table.
So far, I haven’t been denied.