Many introverts have become accustomed to hearing the phrase “come out of your shell”. And by ‘accustomed’ I mean we’ve heard it a lot, but it still annoys the heck out of us. So, in the spirit of comradery, I thought I’d share with you a few reasons why we don’t need to come out of our shell.
What Do They Mean?
First things first: what do others mean when they say, “come out of your shell”? The implication is that we are in some kind of self-imposed prison. People think that they are doing us a favor by offering to liberate us from our confinement. To them, freedom looks a lot like Mardi Gras in New Orleans. They can’t fathom that it might look different for us.
Shell vs. Prison
Contrary to what others think, an introvert’s shell is not a form of imprisonment. Prisons are meant to punish. Shells are meant to protect. Many prisons also have the goal of curing or correcting inmates (hence the word “correctional facility”). An introvert’s shell is more like a shield that preserves our inherent awesomeness. It does this by protecting us from over stimulating environments, conversation vampires (people who constantly talk but never listen), and probably zombies (haven’t had a chance to test this out yet).
Portable Home
A shell is like a super lightweight home away from home. I can, and do, take my shell all around the world with me. In fact, it is what prevents me from burning out as I travel. Whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed or exhausted, I can put up my invisible shield and prevent a full-on meltdown. This last point is the clincher and I think it is the one that extroverts have a really difficult time understanding. When an introvert retreats into her shell, it means she needs to create some separation between herself and the surrounding environment. This is not the time to go dancing through the streets of Mardi Gras.
Friend Finder
Our shells have magical powers that allow it to decipher potential friends from people we just tolerate. The latter category is made up of pretty much anyone who tells us to come out of our shell. When we are with people we love, the shell automatically recedes because we know that these individuals won’t try to change us or drain our energy. Our true friends recognize that bullying someone into behaving a certain way is obnoxious, which brings me to my next point:
What Is Their Motivation?
When someone tells you to “come out of your shell”, they are doing so for their own peace of mind. On the surface it appears that this person just wants you to have fun. This is partly true. The deeper reason is that they cannot have fun unless they believe that you are having fun. It is a form of codependency that is drenched in guilt. If we then change our behavior to make them feel better, we are also acting out of guilt. As I’ve said before, we should be driven by our convictions, not by guilt.
That pretty much sums it up. If I missed any shell superpowers, feel free to leave them in the comments section below.
Another introvert here. Just loved this post! Heard that soooo many times, it’s kinda like “leave me and my shell alone, we like each other’s company, thank you very much” haha Keep it up!, love the blog 🙂
Thanks Veronica! Glad you can relate.:)
Extroverts will never understand what makes introverts tick. I like your take on being an introvert, especially the portable home and friend finder paragraphs.
Hi Debbie, thanks for your comment! Yes, It is difficult for extroverts to understand us, but I hope that it will become easier and easier as more people understand what introversion is all about. 🙂
This is a great post, I can really relate. Society created this “unwritten rule” that we must “come out of our shell”, but it’s just forcing us to be someone we’re not.
Love this post. I know how it feels, I’ve been just rejected at a job interview beacause I wasn’t ethusiastic enough. I had told them I observe and listen and that it can come of as if I don’t like something. And I’ve told them that I am not an extrovert, still I got rejected.
Sorry for my English, I am from The Netherlands.
Hi Manon! Glad you liked the post. Sounds like you wouldn’t have liked that job anyway. 🙂
I really appreciate this post . Thank you, cos I felt sad when my boss appraised me the phrase he still need to come out of his shell. God bless you
I’m so glad that it was helpful for you, Francis. xxo
I can’t tell you how many of my elementary school report cards went home with the comment, “Diane needs to come out of her shell.” Oh, those painful moments of enforced “class participation.” Not to mention the ultimate nightmare: oral book reports! I would have loved home school if it were available back then. Maybe. On the other hand, I only went to school to see my friends, so…as you’ve said elsewhere, introverted doesn’t mean antisocial!
My shell was my only small protection against the cruelty of children, but unfortunately my crippling shyness (yes, I was shy, too) made me an easy target for bullies. If any parents read this, please don’t tell your shy child, “Ignore them and they’ll stop.” They don’t. To ignore teasing may or may not be the right approach, and I can’t go back to try anything else and find out, but don’t promise your child a result that can’t be guaranteed. I was crushed more and more by the unfairness when my very best “ignoring” only increased the teasing. A slap to the mouth might have worked better, if I’d ever had the courage to try it.
Well, what didn’t kill me made me stronger, of course, and I’m very strong now. =) I finally did come out of my shell late in high school, mostly because I was sick and tired of being shy. I decided to pretend not to be shy with a new person who didn’t know I was shy, and soon found it was an easy step from pretending to actuality. With those who knew me well, I couldn’t change overnight, but with new people I was a completely different person. Now in middle adulthood, nobody can believe I was ever shy, and they probably don’t see me as an introvert. But I know who I am. =)
Lots of good stuff you’ve got here! I’ll be sending my few introvert friends.
One thing I wish I could find addressed is how at work presentations, often the presenter (who happens to be a bubbly or enthusiastic extrovert) does group things like role playing and other such nonsense to get a reaction out of people and to teach something.
I have grown a lot and I can speak in public now and go to group get togethers (though I am still awkward with small talk) but all of this drains me, so it still isn’t my natural mode of being.
Yet despite the growth I have attained, I still hate and get really flustered and butterflies in my stomach when having to do role playing in a group setting or even one on one with someone I don’t know. Another thing about it is that it defeats the purpose of what they are trying to do. When they start doing these extroverted geared exercises, my shields go up and it is all I can do to get through it… I’m not learning much at all but my discomfort level just shot through the roof. It is the one thing they could do to basically block the receptivity to my brain.
I have found that doing EFT helps with calming these feelings but still I feel queasy and out of my element being put through these things.
If Extroverts want us to get out of our comfort zone (i.e., be more extroverted) in what way do they get out of their comfort zone?
Thanks for the article.
I’ve been told many times to “Get out of your shell”. Let’s be honest, there could be several reasons why a person is what he or she is. Maybe in childhood you’ve been like this from beginning, staying reserve, minding your own business, less communication skills. But let’s be honest one must become more open because in work places it will not work to be totally antisocial. I do talk sometimes with people but for some reason I just like to be left alone. I love watching tv, work on my career goals, or more communicate with 2-3 friends go on a hike, call them, happy hours but that’s about it. I do joke around with people who I work with, I talk a lot with them yet I am still told I am anti-social, am I missing something here?
I am totally agree all my life I have been told that I need to get out my shell. I hate it when people say this to me. I even said to a person that said this maybe you run your mouth much.
I remember playing basketball in high school and having a counselor come to one of the games. She had the nerve to tell my coach that she didn’t like how quiet I was during the time outs. Never mind the fact that she never played basketball. It’s pretty hard to speak during a time out when your the number one time in the region when the team is loosing and the coach is yelling.
People are too nosy and just want to get in your business. I have and always will be a private.
In my experience with this- and it spans close to 5 decades- the people wagging their finger and scolding you for being “in your shell” do it for purely selfish reasons. Especially if they are work acquaintances who you have reason not to fully trust (overheard them backstabbing or being nasty to others).
They aren’t motivated by concern for you but rather are annoyed that you won’t blather on about the details of your personal life which they could then use as fuel for endless hours of petty office gossip!
No thank you, I’m not falling for that one again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me! I’m quite comfortable in my shell, thank you 🙂
Thank you Racheal
That is exactly what I felt I cane out of my shell too many times and It got me in trouble .
Hi…this is a comment from an extrovert who has a child, husband and many friends who are introverts. I obviously love them or I would not be surrounded by so many, but there is a struggle on our side too. I would not call my need to talk with or enjoy my child, husband or closest friends co-dependency. I love them and want to enjoy them in the way I can my more open child, family members and friends. It is hurtful to actually be ignored by people I love because they have decided to be in there shell especially while we are in the same room. It is a more lonely experience interacting with them than others who are not so protective of themselves. It makes sense to understand a person’s differences, but that goes for introverts too. It would be nice if they could care about an extroverts enough to engage…or show a little enthusiasm. Introverts can be extremely smart, but what does this really matter when they are so busy “protecting” themselves that they frequently choose not to share. I am in a book club with 4 introverts who are brilliant and devour books, but it often feels like they HAVEN’T read what we are discussing. They say 1 or 2 limited sentences, but it really does not cover the depth of the work we have read. I think effort and kindness might, at times, be what people are looking for when they ask an introvert to come out of their shell. They want just that…to enjoy their friend or family member. So, although it might be hurtful to ask an introvert to “come out of your shell”, keep in mind that it might be hurtful to others when you choose not to.
As an introvert married to an extrovert I have to both agree and disagree with you. Husband and I just celebrated 20 years. His extroversion can be exhausting to me. My introversion does the same to him. It has taken time, patience, some clearly set boundaries, and most importantly compromise to get this far.
The kicker was a job I worked for 4 years. A job where I was constantly told to “come out of my shell” and was expected to do far more than I was capable of no matter how many times or ways I tried to explain that they were asking far too much of me. The last year before I finally quit was spent in a deep depression. My husband lived with that. He saw what that type of “encouragement” was doing to me. The more they said it the worse I felt. Since he’s a “fixer of all things wrong” he started researching personality types and made me take the MyersBriggs test. He took it too. He came out ENFP and I came out ISTJ. Armed with that information we continued the research together and have both learned how to work each other. It has strengthened our relationship. Instead of dropping last minute activities in my lap, he now gives me plenty of time to prepare for them. And he supports me when I say I need the day to recharge, I have a busy week ahead of me. As for me, when the occasion calls for it I put on my extrovert mask and out we go. If he needs my support at an event or other obligation he has taken on, he gets it despite my comfortability level.
My point is knowledge is power! The more you know about your personality and that of your partner’s the better your relationship.