As introverts, we aren’t usually interested in drawing a lot of attention to ourselves. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t want to be seen. In fact, most of us desperately want to feel seen, heard and understood – even if only by one person.
This simple truth hit me hard earlier this week when I found myself at a casual kizomba dance practice/get together. It was my first time going to the weekly event so I didn’t know what to expect. When I arrived, I was immediately assaulted with friendliness. People went out of there way to introduce themselves and find out more about me.
Small talk overwhelm
And that was just great (and kinda scary) and wonderful (and totally overwhelming) and exciting (and completely exhausting!). But by about the fifth time that someone asked me where I’m from and how long I’m staying in town, I was yearning for an escape.
Thankfully, no one tried to make conversation on the dance floor. After the initial barrage of small talk, I started avoiding people between dances. When people did approach me, I didn’t have the energy to match their freakish – I mean friendly – enthusiasm. I thought that surely everyone there would think I was a total snob.
Then something surprising happened
An older Asian man offered to give me a drive home. I had danced with the man and exhanged a few pleasantries, but hadn’t shared much. As we got in the car, the man said, “You seem to have a different perspective on life, like you’ve lived in a lot of places. You’re quiet, but I can tell that you’re a strong person.
He then went on to rattle off a whole bunch of other completely accurate observations about me. I was shocked! I was ready to give him my palm for a reading. The fact that he could see so much about my character from such a short interaction made me feel, well, seen. And understood. And validated.
It made me realize that this is what we all want. We don’t want to have to explain ourselves. We want the connection that surpasses small talk, the knowing without words. And guess what? We can have it.
We can be understood
Even when we’re quiet and don’t know what to say, we can be heard. Even when we are wordless, we can be understood. Even when we don’t have a single drop of energy left for small talk, we can be seen by the right people.
The above experience really warmed my heart. Have you ever had something like that happen? Do you feel like it’s difficult to find people who understand you?
I look forward to hearing from you!
Love,
P.S. The above post was taken from a message I shared with my subscribers last week. Sign up below so you can get innie inbox love, too. 🙂
This is an incredible feeling, and reassuring at that. Reassuring that you can be who you are, and someone will be able to seek out and pick up on your strong qualities instead of becoming so distracted by the fact that you don’t say much. That alone will usually give you something in common with that person; we seek out the deeper characters of people and aren’t as moved by the facades many put on in social situations. Good read. Thanks, Michaela!
Hi Cameron! Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I’m glad that my story of being seen resonated with you. It really is true that people can pick up on your character even when you don’t say a word. Xo
Great read. I think your story really speaks to how introverts prefer to form relationships in a non-proactive but authentic way. As a result, we might have fewer of them, but our friendships will be more meaningful, with people who seek us out and genuinely see us for who we are.
One of my longest friendships has been with the other person I play with in my band, it’s lasted for about 18 years. He is totally (and unapologetically) an extrovert, but he “gets” me and we don’t push each other to change. The music works, and we keep it at that 🙂
Well said, Phillip! Love this: “introverts prefer to form relationships in a non-proactive but authentic way”. So true. 🙂
To be honest, the fact that this website exists helps with this somewhat for me. Knowing that there are others (even if on the internet) who understand life similarly to the way I do is just refreshing! I have a few friends who, after time, have been able to understand me. And I’m so grateful for them as well. But this is something I find myself craving often. To find someone who can see past my general quietness to who I really am.
Hi Erin, I’m so happy that this website provides comfort and understanding when you need it! You’re always welcome here 🙂 Xo
Love this post, so accurate. I always feel as though people think I’m a snob when I don’t engage in small talk. It’s just so awkward and phony. After about a minute, I’m looking for an escape.
Hi Sandra, so glad you can relate! 🙂
I think quietness is a virtue. Lot of people tell me secrets because I’m quiet with them (you know, the extravert that considers you friend, when you don’t even know what is their favourite music genre).
And when somebody wants some support from a fellow, they usually come to me. I hardly say a thing in that situation, but just sitting there, empathizing helps.
Of course I’m not always quiet. Get my trust and I won’t stop talking.
Exactly! Quietness is a virtue. A lot of times people aren’t looking for feedback or advice. They just want someone to be present and listen.
It’s really great that introverts are starting to have a voice nowadays. I have been so puzzled with myself for a long time until I realised that I was an introvert.
I can relate to your dance class experience. I meditate a lot on my own but every once in a while I go to my local buddhist centre’s silent retreat, which is a whole silent day with meditation. Even lunch is eaten in silence. Introverts heaven right? Well the only part I always dread is the beginning and ending of the retreat which is spent by socialising. I often arrive very late and dart off immediately so I don’t have to take part in it. And the people are so heart warmingly inclusive there as well and there I am avoiding them like plague!
Hi Minea. Thanks for sharing your buddhist centre experience. That is so interesting! I’ve never been part of a silent retreat, but it does sound like introvert heaven. I think it would feel extra jarring and overwhelming to socialize with a lot of people right after being silent for several hours. I’d want some time to transition!
Beautiful post Michaela and completely agree. There’s something really wonderful about being completely understood without having to explain yourself. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Kathryn! Yes, I think the need to feel understood is an innate aspect of the human condition. 🙂
and till now i thought that being quiet and less talkative made you a person who is lacking confidence and is acting like a fool, but really forgot to see the part where we introverts think the hell out of them 😀
so happy to read something worth reading
I’m very grateful to be opportune to read this article, being an introvert has made me lose many things, I have failed to keep a strong relationship with friends of my opposite sex just for not saying what I’m supposed to say when I’m supposed to say it and this has left me totally uncomfortable.
I’m usually invisible at school because I don’t talk much, so I can’t make friends with people unless they approach me and make an effort to form a friendship. Even my friends don’t really care – they like me and care about me, but I know they aren’t really interested. I can’t have any deep or interesting conversations with anyone in my life, which is what I really want. I want to explain how I feel, to be understood, but I’m not good at saying words out loud. I relate with this article so much – thank you.
Nice. I feel better. At least, I can be more of a real person.
As an introvert, I’m not interested in just any connection. Anyone who rushes me to converse ends up getting little out of me. Anyone willing to take their time to get to know me gradually has a much better chance of making that connection. Despite that, there is no guarantee that the connection will endure. Most people aren’t capable of being patient that long.