Photo credit: Belovodchenko Anton
I have an important message for all the introverts in their twenties.
You’re probably still trying to sort out who you are and what you want. People have been giving you mixed messages, saying things like “be yourself,” and then doling out advice about how to come out of your shell and be more outgoing. Confusing, much?
You’re probably still sorting out how to navigate this crazy extrovert’s world. You wonder how you can get all the things you want in life (love, money, validation), while feeling so different from everyone else.
You’re under a lot of pressure to achieve and succeed right now. Maybe you feel like a failure because you haven’t figured it all out yet.
Perhaps, there’s a little troll inside your head, saying things like:
“You’re a failure!”
“You have no idea what you’re doing.”
“You should be further along in life by now.”
“You don’t deserve to be loved.”
The secret to life
I want to share the secret that the media, your colleagues, and many of your friends have been trying to keep from you:
No one knows what the hell they’re doing. One answered question in life inevitably leads to more questions. That’s a good thing. Can you imagine how boring life would be if you knew it all and could do it all without the slightest bit of discomfort?
And, aside from those slick gregarious types, who everyone loves, but secretly hates at the same time, most people feel like they don’t fit in. We’re all special snowflakes. It’s just that a lot of people have gotten really good at pretending. As an introvert, you may have super ninja acting skills from years of striving to conform to the extrovert ideal. I know I do. But all that pretending is really exhausting and the rewards are negligible. It’s a relief to let go of the need to conform and impress. Consider the words of Marion Woodman (prose arranged by Jill Mellick):
We have lived our lives
Behind a mask.
Sooner or later
If we are lucky
The mask will be smashed
What a relief to be human
Instead of the god or goddess
My parents imagined me to be
Or I imagined them
You’re right where you should be
Everyone feels like they should be further along than they are. This is especially true for people in their twenties. For many of us, this is a time of constantly striving, of floundering, and failing, and feeling like the only one in the universe who doesn’t know what the hell they want to do after college. It’s a time when we are still discovering who we are and what we want.
The problem is not the fact that we haven’t got it all figured out. It’s that we feel like we should.
The right time for love
If you’re postponing giving and receiving love until you’re somehow more ready or worthy – SPOILER ALERT – love is not earned. You don’t need to do anything to deserve it. You don’t need to pay off your student loans first, or be better at making conversation, or lose twenty pounds. You’re worthy right now.
The overarching message that I want you to take from this is that you’re okay. The unanswered questions, the flaws, the feeling like you have no freaking idea what you’re doing – it’s all okay. You’re not the only one.
I’m okay with the fact that my life looks nothing like how I planned it would. It’s really alright that I don’t have the handsome husband, the babies, the career with a title that doesn’t confuse the hell out of people.
I’m learning to accept the fact that I literally cannot live my life the way other people expect me to. I’m an uncertainty junkie, and a predictable life kills my spirit. Instead of seeing this as some sort of fatal flaw that needs to be cured, I’m okay with it.
One of the hardest things of all for me to be okay with was my introversion. But finally, after a long time of feeling shame about it, I have learned to embrace my introversion.
It’s okay that I get overwhelmed more easily than others, that I genuinely enjoy being alone, that I need time to think before I speak, and that group activities aren’t my gig.
I’m okay. And so are you.
Much love,
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Not all introverts pretended to be an extrovert. Not all introverts succumbed to the clarion call of the extroverted ideal. Some introverts saw the fleeting temporary happiness of the extroverted ideal. Extroverts need many people to hold up their tree. Introverts need ONE strong root, OURSELVES!
“…love is not earned. You don’t need to do anything to deserve it…You’re worthy right now.” Wow,those words deeply resonated with me. I’m 21 years old,so I appreciate all the wisdom and experience that you share with every innie that reads this site. I’ve always felt that I’m a work in progress,therefore I am currently unworthy of anybody’s love. You have given me a lot to think about..
Hi Lu, You’re very welcome. I’m so happy this post resonated with you. Indeed, we are all works in progress, but that doesn’t make us any less worthy of love. xo
Echoing Lu’s comment, this article was a such a lovely reminder that I do not need to earn love, I am worthy as is 🙂
Really enjoying your articles and i’m thankful I signed up to e-mail subscription too !
That’s great to hear, Halimat. I’m happy to have you as part of the innie community. 🙂
I just exited my 20’s and these are things I have wrestled with over the years. I’ve come along way, but learning how to be okay with my introversion is still an ongoing process.
Thank you for this beautifully written post. You are inspiring and encouraging people out there who really need a voice of reason in their lives. Xo- INFJ & HSP
Aww, you’re welcome!! xo
Well, I prefer not to label myself introvert or extrovert. I think it is self-defeating to label yourself an introvert because you will get too comfortable with yourself and will see no use in stepping out your zone. I think we can all learn to grow by testing our abilities and achievements in public, or occasionally acting on impulse (without breaking the law too much).
I so wish I knew in my 20’s what I know now about introversion and being highly sensitive, I might have liked and accepted myself a whole lot more and saved myself a lot anguish in trying to understand myself and feeling weird/unloved/disconnected. I’m glad to say that I am rapidly gaining an extremely valuable insight into myself and, nearing the age of 50, I feel like I am really starting to understand myself and realise I am not weird, just different. Your website is another valuable stepping stone for me Michaela and I thank you, you are a very wise young woman and I am thoroughly enjoying reading all the posts and comments. It has taken me years to realise there are lots of people who feel the way I do, struggling with introversion and being highly sensitive. Iit is really feeling like a ‘lightbulb’ moment for me, I am not weird, just different and it is OK to be different. (Difficult as it is for me to acknowledge that as I have always tried so hard to conform and not stand out!).
Thank you for the compliments, Bron. I still have lots to learn, but I feel privileged to help other introverts who are just starting out on their path towards self acceptance.
‘Why are u so quiet?’ this is one question i’ve bn asked every time I happened to be in a group of familiar faces or even plain strangers.All i knw is I think alot before I speak..sometimes or too often I get lost in words when confronted in an impromptu way..When Involved in any group activity like the whole day I feel drained then boom! the urge to retreat n just recharge in my own world sets in…my point is i’ve learnt am an Introvert..and it feels so good that out there somewhere, there are people who feel n understand you in a non-judgemental way. Wisdom and encouragements from this article are priceless coz they help me understand myself better. Keep up the Good work…and hell yeah ‘I’m right where I should be.’
Many Thanks all the way from Africa.
Nairobi,Kenya.
Yeah! There are MANY people like you who completely understand your innie challenges. Glad the article resonated with you, Harry. 🙂
“You’re probably still sorting out how to navigate this crazy extrovert’s world. You wonder how you can get all the things you want in life (love, money, validation), while feeling so different from everyone else”.
Feeling so different from everyone else. Hell, yeah I am! 🙂
All the time…
I thought that my introversion is something I should suppress. Smile to everyone, nod to the crowd and do what they do, exhausting…
But I am relieve that it’s not just me…. 🙂 Introverts ROCK!
woow…. i feel much better now. This article has just been great. Many people have always taken my introversion to be pride. i feel it im my heart that am not proud at all and itd just who i am