Traditional dating is not an introvert friendly activity. It involves all of the things that we find draining and uncomfortable: conversation as sport, socializing with strangers, physical contact with people we hardly know, going out when we’d rather stay in, eating in front of someone attractive … and the list goes on.
Fortunately, dating is a skill that can be learned. It can also be done in such a way that it doesn’t obliterate our introvert energy levels. The reason why many introverts don’t feel like dating is a skill they can master is that a lot of love advisors out there cater to extroverts.
Let’s explore a common dating scenario from an introvert’s perspective, and play a little game of what not to do on a first date. See if you can spot where Cyndi and Jake go wrong:
What NOT to do on a first date
Cyndi has a date with Jake, a guy she met through match.com. She’s excited and nervous because she has high hopes for this one. He seems like perfect boyfriend material. He’s handsome, has a good job as an engineer, and loves animals. Plus it says in his profile that he is looking for a serious relationship.
As she gets ready for the date, Cyndi, begins overthinking what they will talk about. She is an introvert, and sometimes doesn’t know what to say . She hopes there won’t be any awkward silences.
During the date, Cyndi discovers that Jake is shorter than she imagined. She is disappointed. She also finds out that Jake likes to play hockey twice a week (they are from Canada ;). This worries Cyndi because she doesn’t normally connect with jock types. She also worries that he won’t make time for her if he’s always out playing sports or watching games on TV.
Jake tells Cyndi lots of stories about all the places he’s traveled and the exciting things he’s done. Cyndi is a little bored, but happy that Jake is carrying the conversation At the end of the date, they hug and make vague plans to see each other again. Neither can tell if the other is actually interested. They never see each other again.
Can you tell what Cyndi and Jake did wrong? There are quite a few things, but I’m going to focus on the three that are the most common.
1. Going in with the wrong mindset
The best love advisors for introverts will tell you that mindset is everything before and during a date. Cyndi goes into the date with high expectations. You can tell that she has already imagined Jake as the ideal guy to sweep her off her feet and become her boyfriend. She also spends a lot of time worrying before the date. This makes her tense and nervous.
A better approach is to go in with no expectations. Instead, view the date as an experiment where the process is more important than the result.
Cyndi also would’ve been better off to clear her mind before the date. Rather than worrying about what could go wrong, she should have enjoyed getting ready. Focusing on sensations helps you get out of your head and into the present moment.
2. Judgment
Cyndi spends a lot of time judging Jake. She practically writes him off because he’s a little shorter than expected and he plays hockey.
People can tell when we are judging them. It makes them feel tense and nervous. Not only that …
When we occupy our mind with judgmental thoughts, there is no room for imagination and curiosity. Without those things, the conversation falls flat, and so does the rest of the date.
3. Trying to impress
Jake is clearly trying to impress Cyndi with all the interesting things he’s done. Instead of impressing her, he bores her. Cyndi probably wants to impress Jake, too, but because she is an introvert, her desire to impress makes her shut down. She is so worried about saying the wrong thing that she doesn’t say anything at all.
You don’t need to prove yourself to your date, and they don’t need to prove themselves to you. Remember, this is an experiment, not a competition.
Over to you
Can you spot what else Cyndi and Jake did wrong? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
Xo,
Especially the part of seeing the date as an experiment rings true. I always try to go in to them with an open mindset. And true, some dates are great then and some are not. But you are not setting yourself up for disappointment.
Whole article, spot on! 🙂
I completely agree with your observations Michaela. 🙂 Hmm, in my humble opinion, I would add: The ending of the date itself scene. They are both aware of that it didn’t go well. But they simply, go with the flow… They never see each other again. First impression comes in here. But first impression in terms of the whole date. Maybe if they went out once more, they would be more relaxed, confident, date would go great! Okay, it didn’t went well the first time, but that doesn’t mean that it’s all over… I think they made a mistake and rushed it a little, maybe they should have gave it another try, and not go and finish it with that first impression date. 🙂 I would also like to add, honesty. 🙂 Cyndi was bored at one moment, and I bet Jake was too, so I think it would be great if some of them would say: “Look, I find this topic not so interesting, but what do you think about…” And than suggest another topic, interesting for both of them. 🙂 I would be mind-blown if that happened to me! In a positive way of course. 🙂 Honesty is an virtue so underrated these days, so when people experience it first hand, they find it strange, but for introverts point of view, this would be amazing! 🙂 (I don’t if Jake is an introvert or not, but somehow I think he would have appreciated that honesty too. 🙂 Although, I could be wrong…)
Anyway, great article Michaela, with awesome insights and conclusions! 🙂
Marko, I think I would be mortified if someone told me the topic wasn’t interesting. It may be the INFJ talking, but I would politely listen to what they were saying, admit I don’t know much about what they are talking about, but ask questions about the topic. You never know, you might learn something about their personality, interests, passions, etc. After that, I would try to steer the conversation towards something mutual. Surely there was something that connected them in the first place? I haven’t dated in a long while, has it changed so much?
I had a date last year(with a real women and everything!: )..to be honest we never got out of small talk and I felt judged very quickly.Looking back I was too worried about the outcome rather than just enjoying getting to know someone better and enjoying the moment.This article rings true for me:)As a man your expected to be confident and lead the way but as a shy introvert I need a bit of time to open to someone so finding someone who gives you that time is difficult.
Jake talked a lot about himself and he seemed to be superficial he didn’t notice that she was quiet. He should have pulled her out of self he would have unlocked a wonderful world. I don’t think they would have been a good match.
A serious relationship would mean being all devoted with unfaltering diamond drill precision effort into making the other person happy , taking care of said person with your life but more importantly putting said persons happiness over your own. ( funny how someones else’s happiness is differ from your own and then end up calling it a relationship)
If that is the general definition its truly absurd in a most illogical, ineffective and rather disturbing way.
It seems more like that these individuals are simultaneously asking and inviting each other to be each others parents ( emphasis on the hard work and no initial return , long term effort and YEARS before you see any results) without having the baby. ?
Wouldn’t a person want a relationship if it was even better than being single?
The point of interest , that how does one want something if it doesn’t enhance what one is already is doing?
Funny because I always consider these kind of encounters as “Experiments” so atleast I know I’m not the only one now.
I think Cyndi could’ve talked a little more about herself, as you’ve mentioned, also, if she’s too nervous to talk about herself, she could’ve asked Jake more questions to seem more interested, and she could direct the conversation to something they have in common. Thanks for sharing the tips Michaela!
With Love,
Grace xx
Great insights, Grace! 🙂
I’m thinking he’s a great catch. he’s active /outgoing and that assists when i want to stay in. I don’t want someone the same as me. I liked that he carried the conversation more as i think more. too bad for them.
I think more people should go into it with the mindset that they’re first and foremost looking to make a new friend that they really connect with. This may not be the case (looking for new friends of the opposite sex) but lessens any pressure, besides, you should make a good connection with someone before going into romance anyway. Romance would be the natural progression if you’re both feeling it….no need to rush. Keep dating a number of people until you get more serious with one.
In the case with Jake and Cyndi, if Jake was still interested he should call Cyndi requesting another date. If she accepts, on the date Jake should talk less and listen more. If Cyndi doesn’t begin to open up, Jake bottom lines it to low interest level or lack of personality (when with Jake at least) on Cyndi’s part and he moves on.
Ok so I’m an extrovert trying hard to understand some introverts I know.I look at the above date rather appalled. All that judgement! I have never had a problem dating or making friends…but I take a lot of interest in other people. That’s the only reason I talk to people, because I’m interested in them. How should I know whether we’ll get on, whether we’ll be friends after this interaction? I simply don’t judge because I have no idea what the future holds, no one does. So I don’t have expectations – of myself or anyone else. We’re all vulnerable and have flaws, so why shut everyone down by being so judgemental? That’s what I find frustrating with introverts, as much as I try to be patient and friendly when I know they are struggling- I can tell they are nervous and pre-empting rejecting or disaster by writing me or someone else off. Take a deep breathe and don’t radiate judgement people,it’s horrible for anyone to experience, even the most confident extroverts and they will avoid you as you appear rude and your judgements hurt.
Cindy didn’t do anything wrong. She was awkward and could have made better choices. Let’s point out how awkward Cindy was and wrong by someone’s standard (who’s?) hurts my heart a little bit. Maybe the same message could have been conveyed in positive ways. Or at least not labeling her behavior. Maybe that’s why Cindy was so awkward before she even got there. Someone made her think she could be wrong when all that mattered was her heart