Kids, the year was 2006, I was married, Mormon, and obsessed with cardigans. Since I didn’t grow up Mormon, I didn’t have any close friends in the church. Then one day, like a brick to the face, something happened that made me painfully aware of my friendlessness.
There was yet another wedding (Mormons love getting married, it’s kind of their thing), which I fully expected to be invited to.
The bride, we’ll call her Michelle, had been invited to the super private ceremony for my wedding. She pretty much had no choice but to invite me to hers. So when the invitation didn’t come, my heart sank.
Let me just say that I wasn’t too keen to go to another boring wedding reception at the church cultural hall. But it would’ve been nice to be invited. We introverts are often turned off by big events, but being excluded makes us feel like the kid that no one picked for their team.
Here’s the saddest part of my story. On the morning of the wedding, Michelle called my husband and told him that someone had cancelled, so they had space for us at the wedding reception after all. Naturally, we were insulted and thought it would be pathetic to attend.
We went. And it was actually one of the funnest weddings I’ve ever been to.
The moral of the story: we don’t want to go, we might leave early, and we’re expecting to have a crappy time, but since there is a chance that we’ll actually have fun, and because feeling excluded sucks … we would still like to be invited.
Can you relate to my story? I’d love to hear about it.
Please do share your experiences in the comments below.
Lots of love,
P.S. Wondering what to do when you do get invited to the big event? My Introvert Charisma Blueprint teaches you how to walk into any social situation with innie confidence, and charisma. Signup today, and you’ll also get my 50-page Introvert Connection Guide for attracting your ideal friends in your own quiet way. Let’s do this. >>
Definitely can relate to this. 🙂 There was one St. Patrik’s Day party (I usually don’t go to parties at all, but party on St. Patriks Day is the exception) I was hoping to be invited on, and although that day I wasn’t in the particular mood for celebration, I was 100 percent sure that I was going to get invited, because everyone who I know, knows how much I love Ireland and St. Patrik’s Day, but it didn’t happen. I was devastated. Maybe I would leave early, maybe the party would be bad, but still, I was expecting to be invited… But late during the night, the organizers called me and said they made a mistake and wanted me to come, and although I was angry and feeling that it would be pathetic if I go, I still went and it was the most awesome St. Patrik’s party for years. 🙂 So I can pretty much relate to what You wrote here Michaela. 🙂
Thanks for sharing that Marko! Lots of similarities between our stories. 🙂
I don’t think I have a problem with not being invited – I’m kinda used to it, as sad as it sounds. But I do have a problem with the whole stress that involves getting ready to a party. I need to get my hair done, nails done, probably have to buy a new dress, shave my legs (!!!), and get prepared to four hours of pointless chatting, taking pictures a hundred times and pretend I’m having a blast. Sigh.
Oh yes, I’m sure a lot of innies can relate to that feeling, Girleide. I’ll have to write a post about the pain of preparing for the party. 😉
Mine is very similar to yours I have no problem putting on a t-shirt and boy shorts flip flops hair in a pony tail and taking off to a store I’m going in and out but when it comes to going over someone’s house or out somewhere as a group I get very stressed I have come to the conclusion that I need at least 3 days to get ready. The first day would be making out a list, organizing the things that I will need to use {multiple hair accessories cuz I know I’ll lose them somehow, along with hair products if in case I need it and then eye makeup} I’m sure there’s a whole lot more to it I just can’t think of it right now! most importantly to organize any area I’ll come in contact with along with along the way. also getting all 4 of my kids outfits. This is all so everything will go out nice and smoothly so I can get ready the next day it hardly ever works out that way though probably because I take way too many breaks throughout the day to get myself ready its just I don’t want to push myself to get stressed out but then again if I was by myself getting ready I could do it really fast*.*its just with the four kids constantly needing, wanting, arguing with each over, & making a complete mess thoughout the house. They drain all my energy to where when I do try to get ready im exhausted. Then I feel like I’m not good enough that I should have done things differently or to have it better planned out. I hate the fact that I’m so hard on myself and I’m aware of it but I just can’t quit.
I know I haven’t said everything that I wanted to but I have lots of things to do only if I had more time lol
That’s the part I hate. I call it reving up, then dread the crash that comes
I have only just found this blog and at 37 years old i am only just realizing there are so many people out there like me ….
i hate when i get invited to anything -if i get invited to an event and its in 2 weeks time, i will spend those 2 weeks stressing about it and trying to find a way of not going if possible .
and the unbelievable joy and relieve if the event is cancelled…..
is it ok to feel like this or am i nuts ???
I can relate to both of the previous comments! I can also relate to your story, having grown up LDS (Mormon). There are some peculiar aspects to the culture that exists among Mormons, but I digress! I used to hope to get invited to parties and dances, but at the same time readying myself to decline the invitation, or preparing myself to experience the joys of being a wallflower. I can’t count the number of times I’d gone to school and church dances in HS to make a bee-line to the others who were holding the wall up.
Nowadays, if social events to come up in which many of my ‘friends’ are planning to attend, but I do not receive an invitation to join, I don’t let it get to me… b/c in the end, I know I would only be a buzzkill to their extroversion, and I’m pretty sure they know I’m discovering all their dirty little secrets just by watching them with my laser-vision! 😉
Thanks for sharing that, Adam! Good to hear from a fellow former LDS. 🙂
I was at my Best Friend’s house and we were talking while she (Pink) got ready for a party. Her guy (Yellow) was going to pick her up. I thought nothing about it. She has a lot of other friends and often gooses to parties. I was having fun just hanging out with her and helping her get ready. Which is quite a production in of itself. I was really happy to be included in this small way. And I would get to see Yellow, for a little bit before they headed out. It was all good.
Pink was telling me about the party and I was half listening when she mentioned at whose house it was at. It was at Blue’s house. Blue was my Boyfriend at the time. My jaw dropped and my face fell. She was shocked too, she thought that he had told me and I just did not want to go. I had a rule at that time, under 21, not to go to pirates that had alcohol. I just did not want to deal with it. well Pink got pissed. I was hurt because I found out all of our friends would be there. He never told me.
She told me to come. I would not do that. I was not wanted…by him. In his house. I would not go. Yellow showed up and found out he flipped his lid too. They were going to cancel. I told them to have fun, with out me. It was okay, and I was happy they were going. And not I was going to be fine. That it should not effect their night. We all head out to where we were going.
I stayed home watch movies, hung out with my mom (who is awesome ^_^), drank tea, read books and ate Chinese food. I ended up having a good night in, but I would have liked to been asked, especially by him.
And yes, I have moved on ^_^
2 years ago, my sister-in-law had planned a make over day with one of her former students who is now a well known cosmetologist. She invited 5 family members including my daughter(ouch!)but did not invite me.In the early morning of the event, she asked my husband(her brother)if I wanted to go because she couldn’t accommodate everyone in her car&could HELP with the driving!My husband felt so bad, that he couldn’t tell me until later that day. That was the only time I cried from being left out.My husband even cried with me.
I was wondering if you were still Mormon? I used to be Mormon as well. So I could TOTALLY relate to your comments. I was also a convert so had trouble making friends. It was a very lonely time for me. I stopped going and withdrew my membership several years ago. I go to a non-denomination chuch now but it is filled with lots and lots of extroverts. Would love to know your thoughts and tips about navigating Christianity as an introvert!!
Hi Liz, so glad you can relate. I am not Mormon anymore. I used to be a devout Christian and attended a Pentecostal church as a teen, so I completely get what you’re saying about the extroverted church culture. I wrote an article about it a while ago: http://introvertspring.com/introverts-church/
I’m a Christian and as far as I know the only Christian in the office. I used to feel the pain of not being invited to things in my office. I know I’m different, but I didn’t like being treated like a pariah. The question is, do I want to go out and drink and exchange vulgar comments with these people? No I don’t, but it would just be nice to be asked, just to be acknowledged that, yes, I am another person in the room. It’s not bothering me anymore though. I am learning to be content, to be happy where God has planted me and to be thankful that He is protecting me from what can be a very dark place. I have a few friends in my office that I can have deep, meaningful conversations with – that’s really what I’m looking for. As my daughter says – better to have 4 quarters than 100 pennies 🙂
Exactly, Sandra! Thanks for sharing that. 🙂 xo
In my younger days, in college and surrounded by friends and semi-friends, I had this problem. I felt like someone punched me in the gut by not inviting me. But then felt petrified at the thought of going to a big crowd. Such was an introverted living contradiction. But it made perfect sense socially and biologically. Now that I’m older and have a full time job where I am surrounded by people everyday, I don’t crave getting invited anymore, but can’t wait to go home everyday to jump in bed, spread my arms and legs (face up or down) and blank out.
Good story and point.
My sister is “member” in a private “cooking club” with around 10 members, where the clubmembers meet at ones house once every 2.week and cook together, often with professional cooks invited. Often I thought it could be interesting to be part of the club, although I was a bit reluctant if I could “fit in” the party.
One day my sister called me and asked me to join the event since a lot of the members missed out.
I went and it turned out to be a blast. After that I’ve been part of the “exclusive” event and I find it more and more amusing and cozy, although the organizer couple both are very extroverted.
I can so understand y’alls replies. I recently made my first facebook page hoping I could find an old friend I hadn’t talk to in a couple months. As y’all can understand (being introverts too) I don’t make friends easy so losing touch was a big deal. We introverts cherish what friends we have as it’s hard to be open with strangers and don’t get me started on small talk!!! So I found my friend and I see wedding pictures from her wedding!!! I knew she was getting close to marriage and I’d been dreading getting the invite but I wanted to be invited. Needless to say I was crushed that my close friend would exclude me from such a huge milestone in her life. I haven’t had the courage to call and ask why I was left out. It’s hard realizing maybe that bond wasn’t as strong as it once was. I feel hurt and betrayed but guilty for being upset? This just happened two days ago so it’s all very raw still. So I can relate to each story, as no one wants to be left out or better said, disregarded.
I can totally relate to these stories. I recently opened a facebook account to try and find an old friend I hadn’t spoken to in a couple months. As any other introvert can attest to, it’s hard for me to allow anyone into my inner life. Making friends is hard, so when I do to me it’s a lifelong bond. I was floored by what I found on her facebook…pictures from her WEDDING???! I knew she was getting super serious with her boyfriend and would be getting married soon. I didn’t want to go but I knew I’d be invited right? Turns out I wasn’t and i’ve been crushed ever since. This was such a huge milestone and I fully expected to at least be informed of the union if not invited. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough or that i’ve done something wrong. I really want to text her and ask why I wasn’t invited. I just don’t know if my already hurt heart can take it. This is one reason why i’ve stopped trying to make new friends, because I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want superficial friendships and when I have to try to build new friendships it feels forced. It’s sad because it’s obvious my friends have left me behind. I think I have a bond that’s for all time but that’s long been gone apparently in their eyes. Trust me I don’t need validation from anyone to feel fulfilled but it just stings so much more when it’s a person you’ve let into your inner life. It’s my personal mobile piece of holy ground. It’s the place where God lives and only he fully knows. SO needless to say it’s highly guarded and sacred to me. I just wished my friend remembered that too.
Michaela, I can totally relate to @
Girleide. – Although I’m a man and wouldn’t have to prepare for an invitation that much as a lady, I hate to ask myself: “Could I wear my old favorite “hippie-patchwork jeans” (hahaha) or should I wear my newest “dark” jeans. Should I go to the haircutter before or should I be glad about my long hair which is still growing (hahaha). – What should I talk about with the other guests? Should I talk about the hypest gossip or could I dare to talk about my newest “crazy ideas”? (haha) Anyway the most guests would think I’m “weird”. – Sorry folks please do me a favor: “Don’t invite me! -Thanks a lot!!!” 🙂 Events are nothing more than stress to me. – An exception: I would do all my best to meet really good CLOSE friends which I haven’t seen for a long time. – But I don’t like to prepare myself for “small talks”: – Nope! 🙂
Oh yes, this is probably the most depressing problem I continually have in my life. My thirst for friendship versus my need for alone time can really break me down. When socializing, it usually ends with me getting really cranky because my energy is out, but no one notices and just continues to monologue at me. After having waited for a pause when I can politely say goodbye (for way too long), I get angry and abruptly tell them “Uhm, I’m gonna go now… I’m tired”, leaving them puzzled over the interruption as I never interrupt people normally. I often explain that it happens because I’m an introvert, but many people don’t seem to believe me, and instead think that I don’t like seeing them at all.
At work, I always take a walk by myself during lunchtime, as I desperately need to rinse my thoughts to be able to function the whole afternoon. I always prefer to take that walk alone, but regardless of that it breaks my heart when three coworkers that I really like and regard as natural friends to me never even ask me if I want to accompany them, although I sit next to one of them when another comes to ask her. I don’t know what to do with my conflicting feelings! I have “solved” it by sneakily taking the walk when most people are eating. I can imagine how it looks, me almost running past the lunch-table, avoiding to look at anyone.
I can so relate to this!! The same thing has happened to me at work. Folks do not invite me to anything (except once in a great while) and blatantly ask someone right in front of me without bothering to ask me usually. I just want my alone time on my breaks and after work, I just want to go home and read! I don’t want to hang out at the bar and drink with them. They are younger, so I’m over the whole drinking thing. It really does hurt me though, that I am not even invited. Although I’m learning more about myself and realizing I am ok the way I am. I learning not to beat myself up for not being a certain way and accepting myself for who I am. These sites really help to know I’m not alone.
Johanna,
I find your comments and similar ones by others interesting. I am introverted too in that too much interaction with others leaves me overstimulated and cranky. I love alone time to think, read, write, or whatever.
I found this thread trying to understand my mom…Well really, trying to see if anyone understood my frustration with her. She usually turns down invitations to do things outside the house (she lives with me), so I have stopped inviting her much. I don’t like the rejection. I guess that’s me being sensitive, but I figure why bother?
Well, when I decided to go see the Black Panther movie with my kids, I didn’t ask her because I didn’t think she cared. We went and she didn’t say anything. She never expressed interest in seeing it and didn’t ask about it after we went. Only after we went a SECOND time did she say she was hurt I didn’t invite her and that she likely would have gone if I had asked. I feel it is unfair that I’m supposed to know she wants to be included when she excludes herself so often. I have to prepare myself mentally if she is going with us because she tends to ‘speak her mind’ about things and irritate me or the kids. Between that and the turndowns, it is mentally taxing for my ADD introvert brain to involve her in things.
I personally find it logical for people not to invite me to things I usually don’t participate in unless there is some special occasion attached like a birthday or other annual or once only event. I always include her in holiday and birthday plans, so I feel anything else she should speak up about.
*sigh* Am I missing something?
I can’t say that I don’t regret being invited to social gatherings. To be honest, I don’t quite fit in. I never have been good at parties and now my friends consider me as an outcast and boring. Truth is I feel nervous in a group so I usually don’t attend unless I am made to. However, it does hurt a little when you aren’t invited.
My experience is not quite about parties or weddings but I can totally relate to being left out. I started my Masters degree just this September and the other day in class the course director assigned people in small groups. I was in a group with three talkative people. I was doing my best to involve myself in the discussion but somehow it was difficult to sync with them. In the end when the course director asked each group to pick a person as project leader and communication person, the other three were all saying that they didn’t want the responsibility and were afraid to mess it up, but no one even thought about me, like I was not there. Truth is I would be willing to do the job if none of them wanted to. In the end they cheerfully selected someone without so much as a look in my direction…oh well
Hi Nita, Thanks for sharing that. Your story brought back lots of memories of when I was in school. Sad part is that introverts are often great at giving presentations, but not so great at fighting our way into group conversations. Their loss. 😉
I would like to make a comment from the perspective of the inviter. Basically it hurts to be turned down when you have extended an invitation to someone. It hurts even more when someone accepts your invitation but never shows up. I stop inviting people who do this to me. I can’t be friends with people who do this to me. If they explain that it’s because they are an introvert then that explains their behaviour but If they then want me to keep inviting them cos it makes them feel good about themselves, well I’m sorry but that’s insane! Why would I invite somebody to my home or to go out if I knew they were going to say no? Why would I invite somebody if I was going to organise and anticipate something, knowing they would cancel with some lame excuse at the last minute? To ask someone to do that is incredibly selfish and quite frankly nuts!
My college friend and ex-roomie, friends for 12 years, she was one of my bridesmaids, she called me when her mother went into the ICU, me and my husband hung out with her and her fiance, went to all her birthday parties, drove to Ohio from Kentucky for her Mother’s funeral (which I would have done regardless), drove to Ohio from Kentucky for her Bridal shower, then another weekend, drove back for her Bachelorette party. I became close friends with her sister when I moved to Kentucky (where her sister had been living for awhile). We were invited to her reception in Ohio but not her destination wedding. At first, I thought she only invited family and her closest friend. but yesterday found out that at least 3 other friends of hers are attending. 2 of those being co-workers of hers and another a long time friend…..none of them I recall being there for her at her mothers funeral or at all of her other events I have attended. Never received an invitation??? confused, hurt…was it a mistake? did it get lost in the mail? am I a bad friend? do I ask her about it? I know it is already going to be hard for her at her wedding due to her mother not being there, so I do not want to add stress to her, but I am hurting deeply. Now, I don’t even really want to go to the reception, but I know it is the right thing to do.
I relate to this because it’s happened all my life since 7th grade. I’m used to it and am very comfy in my privacy although I do socialize well and play nice with others.
I guess I don’t put myself in the middle of things and up in to everyone’s business. That’s what gets people
Invited to things, I’ve noticed.
I do worry that when I am
Older, will I regret being this way. I don’t try or try not to be this way, I just am. Me. Does this make sense?
Fantastic , descriptive but short and positive article to read when it comes to the emotions and events of an introvert. I know the feeling. I am a MASSIVE introvert, a hermit I call myself. I am a tea drinking unicorn and I love to stay home with my fur babies. Don’t get me wrong i love seeing my friends, i only have a small number of very amazing deep spirited friends as I cannot do simpleton conversations and friendships. my friendships I have are meaningful and when I do see my friends it will always be a very chatty and fun time. Although after spending a day with a friend , the following, i must spend ALONE, to recharge. I don’t answer my phone very often at all, if someone calls me it better be because its an emergency and not that they just ran out of Nutella.. wait Nutella is an emergency, ok so instead of using that as an example lets say it better not be because you forgot to put your bins out or something silly lol.. I don’t answer the door to ANYONE without prior knoweledge of someone wanting to visit .. okay i could go on. I am sure you totally understand what I’m saying. Anyways well done, and reading this cute short and fun little post i have decided i have the inspo to write about my introvert life style 🙂 Thank you and i hope one day you visit my WordPress blog. I write about all things amazing in life, all based on truth and honesty, facts about mental health, my battle with being a carer for my mummzie, my beautiful animals and all the wonderful things life and mother nature has to offer. much love darling lady and thank you again my fellow introvert friend xo love lozzie chai
Hey just googling why people say I’m so nice but I get invited nowhere haha. So here I am.
So yeh I’m a massive introvert…but in public I’m a huge extrovert. I’m always the funny one that makes everyone laugh, always the one who helps others, always make sure nobody feels bad. People never believe me when I tell them just how shy I really am, but it’s so true. I’d much prefer being at home by myself than being with others. Only thing is…that makes me sad and depressed and lonely. Can’t win haha.
4 months ago I moved from Australia to China to start a new job and new life. I came here promising myself I would change and not be that introvert anymore. It seems this is a trait that can’t be changed!!
What’s hurting me here is that at work with all these new people, I go out of my way to be nice and friendly. Yet it isn’t returned. I really don’t know why. Like last night all the guys at my work had a poker night. Yep, not invited. I have a friend who I hang out with a lot, we both say we feel like we aren’t included. Yet she gets invites, and I’m like wtf. She knows how lonely I feel, yet doesn’t say hey can my friend come as well??
Bit over it all to be honest and ready to throw the towel in and go home.
I think it really comes down to friends allowing you to “make the call,” rather than effectively deciding for you. My modus operandi is that if you really want me there, and allow me the opportunity to make the decision, I might just find a way.
First of all, I’m sorry to say this. But this kind of action is a true form of selfishness and passive-aggresive trait. I can relate to June’s comment. why would I invite people if I knew they will answer no and come up with lame excuses? Please make your mind !
If you want to come, then simply ask the event organizer to invite you or tell them so. If you don’t want to come, just keep silent and stop overthink it.
Lower your expectation, because no one is able to read your goddamn mind
I spent New Years eve like always going to bed at 9pm. The next morning I was having my coffee and went on Facebook only to find a photo of my Daughter-in-law, my son, my granddaughter, my daughter in law’s parents and her two sisters and their husbands wishing everyone a Happy New Year sitting around their table with a glass of bubbly. I and my husband weren’t invited nor was our daughter, my son’s sister. I did get the chance to mention to her that I was a little hurt and that an invitation would have been nice, and her response was ‘but you don’t like going out to these things”. Yes I am a true introvert and make a lot of excuses not to go to things, but I do accept from time to time, especially when it’s small family get togethers.