Making friends as an introvert can be complicated. On the one hand, we sincerely do want to connect with people. On the other hand, we get really frustrated with all the obstacles standing in the way of true friendship.
We want the kind of friends you have when you’re a kid, when you can talk about everything or nothing and never bother with small talk. But as adults, it can be hard to make these kinds of friendships.
I hear from a lot of introverts who tend to attract loud, overbearing personalities. Even though they don’t really like spending time with such people, they tolerate the friendship. At times they feel like it’s impossible to find friends they actually like. I know exactly how they feel.
When I was younger, I spent a lot of time hanging out with loud, extremely talkative extroverts who didn’t know how to listen. These friends left me feeling drained and annoyed. Not only that.
It was really hard on my self-esteem. Being with big personalities made me feel small. I felt overshadowed and unheard. And yet, I honestly believed that was the best I could do. I thought I was too strange and quiet to make the deep and meaningful friendships I truly longed for.
As I learned to embrace my introversion and build confidence in my own quiet way, I realized my big mistake.
The biggest mistake introverts make
My biggest mistake when it came to making friends was taking on the martyr role. For some reason, I believed that being able to endure abrasive personalities made me a better person. If I got fed up, it was a sign of my own weakness, rather than an indication that we simply weren’t compatible.
I believed that walking away from unfulfilling friendships made me a jerk. I wasted so much energy on painful friendships that I couldn’t even imagine finding and nourishing true friendships. Nowadays, things are much different thanks to a few key steps I took to turn things around.
4 ways to make friends you actually like
Go from desperate to deserving
As Stephen Chbosky put it, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” This applies to all forms of love, including friendship. If you find yourself repeatedly settling for friendships that don’t feel good, consider why this might be.
Do you believe that you can’t do any better? Is there some small part of you that thinks you don’t deserve to have meaningful friendships, because you don’t think that you’re interesting or fun enough?
Maybe you feel like you don’t deserve a loving friendship because you are a bad friend sometimes. You wander off, need lots of space, and sometimes forget to call. When I did some digging, I realized that I used to believe all of the above. But then I started to shift my mindset by asking myself one question:
Ask yourself this one question
One of the questions that comes up again and again from introverts is, “why would anyone want to be friends with me?” Usually, introverts put a negative spin on the question, assuming that the only answer is “they wouldn’t”. They believe they have nothing of value to offer as a friend, but this is absolutely untrue.
Take a moment to ask yourself the same question, and then answer it from the perspective of someone who loves or has loved you. What would your best friend say that you bring to the friendship? More importantly …
What do you value in a friend? Chances are that you don’t love your dearest friends based on how witty and gregarious they are. You appreciate that they understand and accept you. You can trust them to listen to your problems without judgement. As an introvert, you likely embody all of these qualities and more.
Come out from the shadows
Did you know that big bright personalities can leave introverts in the shadows…for our whole lives? And the saddest thing is that many introverts choose to let overbearing personalities outshine us because we don’t know any other way to live.
But constantly spending time with people who drain and irritate you will only make it harder for you to find friends you actually like. It’s not selfish to come out from the shadows of overwhelming people. You deserve to shine, too.
Make the most of social connectors
All of this isn’t to say that outgoing extroverts are the bad guys. Introverts and extroverts can make wonderful friends if both people feel like their needs are being met. One of the advantages of having the right kind of extroverted friends is that they can connect you with others.
A social connector puts you in touch with people who share your interests. If you mention that you’re looking for a hiking buddy, they’ll go out of their way to connect you with their outdoorsy friends. If you are a foodie, they will mention so-and-so who is always game to try a new restaurant. The key is to find a social connector who has similar values and interests to you so they can connect you with the right people.
For more tips on how to make meaningful friendships. Download my Introvert Connection Guide — it’s free!
Over to you, innie friend
Can you relate to what I shared today? What do you find challenging about making friends, and what has helped you to connect? Please do share your thoughts in the comments below.
Lots of love,
Michaela, you just keep getting deeper! As an ambivert, I can absolutely relate to picking “overwhelming” friends all my life. A few years ago, I looked at my track record and decided to “delete” my exhausting friends and only keep the authentic friends. I ended up with only two friends — one local and one on the West Coast. That change has done quite a bit to raise my self-confidence because both of those friends have turned out to also be pseudo-mentors to me. Last year, I decided to use the same standard to “romantic friendships”. Wow! Now I am dating a wonderful introvert lady who is totally different from the women I have tried to date in the past. It is unfortunate that I took so long to acknowledge my behavior. In hindsight, I could have maintained the old pattern forever since it gave me more people to choose from. Of course, it was draining but less lonely. Now I enjoy having fewer but high quality relationships.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience with this, Tony! Indeed, it also applies to romantic relationships, and the sooner you break the pattern the better. Glad you’ve found a nice innie woman. 😉
Hello Michaela,
I am delighted to connect with this personality profile. I am an INFJ. I tried to register for the free connection guide but I had difficulty being successful as I jest kept adding my name and email address over and over. What do you suggest that I do. I am basic on computers. I await your reply. Many thanks.
I have emailed it to you. 🙂
Hi Michaela,
I really enjoy your articles and take inspiration from you. I’m grateful to know there are more innies out there, and how to deal with some of the issues. Your emails help me feel less alone in this regard. Thank you
♡
I am experiencing the,same technical difficulties as the person earlier, trying to download the free book. Please do you have any tips or may I send you my email address?
How I can recognize it!
It often makes me feel depressed and lonely because I dont feel there is a deeper connection or that it matters WHO actually listen to them. It just happens to be me occationally. I am just an listener, an observer, smiling politely.
I grew up with a mother and a sister who both are very loud and always have asked me; ” What is on your mind?” “What is the matter?!”
I tend to find friends who remind me of them or actually they always find / pick me.
The few introvert friends I have we seldom meet..
? Something got to change! I must take more initiativ to meet with those who “see” me.
Thank you so much for your blog
Wow Michaela, thank you for yet another great post. You know, I have never understood why I choose such extroverted and often selfish friends, but now I have much more insight into why. I have low self-esteem for many reasons, but one is that I feel like extroverts are somehow better than me and that I should push myself to be more like them. Of course, that just leads me to being exhausted and often pushing the friend away who can’t understand why I have rejected them. The other thing my therapist says is that it is possible that while I want to connect, I am also terrified to do so and I know that with the friends I choose, there isn’t a chance for real connection. Wondering if you have any thoughts on that? Thanks much for sharing your insights with those of us trying to understand how we fit in the world!!
One thing I struggle with is I feel I am always the one who does the calling and inviting. I’m rarely invited anywhere. This just reinforces the feeling that I don’t really matter to the person and they’d just as soon dump me if given the chance. I certainly don’t want to be a burden. How do you overcome this???
Mary, I’ve always felt like this too but it’s only thanks to reading up on introversion and blogs like Michaela’s that I no longer feel its because I’m not ‘popular’ or not a nice person, I just don’t care any more. For me it now goes back to the basics of if I feel it’s me making all the effort in a friendship then I simply cut them off. I’ve also realised that finding special friends is incredibly hard – while I have a couple of friends I like and am happy with our mutual relationships, I only have one really special friend, and it took 25 years to meet her!
Michaela, this article is so good. This year I’ve really tried to distance myself from friends that want my company all the time and so out of guilt I give it. It’s going well but I’m having problems with one lady – a dear woman and friend but who needs constant stimulation in her life to the detriment of her health. She gets cross when I say I can’t come out to play and needs a reason why. My new resolve is not to say why but just ‘no’. Now I feel she’s crossing my boundary to preserve my needs as she’s playing a game of disappointment and self pity and making comments about my unsociable behaviour. It’s a shame because I’m having to rethink this friendship as I churn when I see her number calling and that is not good. I’ll reread your wise words to get some protective armour on. Many thanks and love.
Look for the other quiet people in the room, the ones who don’t scream on about themselves all the time and create drama. I’m fortunate that my profession (lbrarianship) is attractive to quiet types who share my love of books, movies, nature and history, and I’ve met lovely people that way. It may take more time and effort when both of you are introverts, but will be more rewarding than the superficial, energy-draining relationships with narcissistic extroverts.
Lynne, I have thought so much over the years about your first line.- Look for the Quiet people in the room- in reflection, I always thought the extroverts were the ones having fun and the ones that added to my energy. The friends that I have kept in touch with over 40 years were the quiet ones. Part of me is sad about all the quiet ones I missed along my life journey. Never to late to learn ?thank you
INTJ here. I struggle to make friends. Not because I find it energy-draining or lack self-confidence in conversations. I just can’t find people interesting enough to make me feel it’s worth devoting time to them. It’s a motivation problem. Everyone seem so mundane and boring that in the end I decide I’d rather spend time alone doing something productive/interesting. I guess I just don’t have patience to deal with drama / people’s emotions. I like spending time with people who are exceptional rather than average.
Michaela thanks for this. It is so nice to read something about something I thought was an unique problem. This is my issue in a nutshell. My extrovert friends either annoy me or don’t listen, yet they follow me around and call me because I DO listen. This has left me feeling used and on the rare occasions that I feel lonely, I have no one to talk to. If I call them, they bang on about themselves, like I’m their ‘Personal Jesus’. So I’ve walked away. The biggest and brightest personalities seem to me to be quite narcissistic and attention seeking.
Thank you for another interesting article Michaela. I thought I was the only innie who felt like this because I never seem to attract the right people. Those who I tend to meet never seem to never understand my perspective on things or they just pretend that I’m not there, viewing me as the ‘boring’ quiet girl with no depth, but the thing is, I want to make more meaningful connections, but so many people are much gregarious and louder than me. It’s so hard.
Michaela, thank you?.
The wiser I get, the less I need useless, drama filled, relationships. If I meet someone worth my time, great. If not, my time is best spent and most valuable being spent with me.
I have enough things I enjoy doing and enough hobbies, that bothering with anyone who cannot understand is a waste of my time and resources.
Most do not vibe with me and so it is. I love being someone, who is too unique to even be a square peg for a round hole.
?
I can really relate to this, just like I can so many of the comments I’ve just read. There has been a shift in recent times, and I have really been selective as to who my company is, and how much time I am willing to spend. I am healing from CFS, and as I am now the better portion of the way healed, it has become incredibly apparent as to how much certain people drain me of energy, and the rare few who actually bring me peace and an increase in energy. The interesting part is not just how it affects me now while I am healing, but also, in retrospect, as to how much I used to give away all my energy, and see some very extroverted(and often narcissistic) were not the “super people” from my past that I should aspire to be like or fit in with, but rather, were energy vampires. It is so freeing to begin knowing myself in deeper and deeper ways. I am now so comfortable alone. And the best part is, now that I am this comfortable alone, there is an instinctive sense in me that will not let me invite new people close to me unless they are an actual addition. The same goes for finding love. Beautiful, but mostly small talk? Nope, been there, done that, not going back. Girl next door, jeans, t-shirt, no makeup, but full of depth and meaningful conversation, and complete with a quiet and calm energy that is equally as enjoyable and deep as the conversation? Absolutely; and where have you been all my life?!
Adam,
I like what you have said. If you are interested, search around the ideas of Gnosticism. I am sure if you are truly seeking the truth of everything around you, the truth will come to “your door” and ask you out for a cup of tea, or whatever. I speak in the figurative or maybe it could actually be realistic.
The point is, what you are truly seeking is within and does not need validation from anywhere else. Find your own answers and enjoy the time you get to have “coffee/tea” with “yourself”!
I’m an extrovert, but a rather soft-spoken, sensitive person. I like being with people, but not being in charge of them. To play off your blog, I’ve actually found myself occasionally being the “quiet” one in the company of a truly over-the-top, boisterous person. There’s no balance. I don’t like it.
Thank you for the thoughtful blog. I am INFJ and felt drowned out by the Extroverts in my family while I was growing up. I learned to resent it actually. In mid life now, I find that I have two or three innie friends along with my innie wife and that is enough for me. In fact, even maintaining that many relationships is a real struggle. I really don’t have the bandwidth for most extroverts. I see them on TV and in film and I love them but being with them in real life would be so draining. Thanks for keeping up this blog to help us relate and feel that we aren’t wrong being ourselves. Nice smile in the pic too!
Thanks for sharing that William! “don’t have the bandwidth”- I love it haha! I know what you mean. 🙂
Hi Michaela-
First, thanks for sharing your gifts of insight so desperately needed by so many of us lost feeling souls.
I have always known I was different and spent a life of frustration with well meaning family and friends trying to force me into shoes and boxes that never fit. I was frequently told I was so talented I could be anything I wanted to be and it was basically true. I could be successful at whatever I decided I wanted to do. I built 13 companies and made millions living the quintessential American Dream because that was all I knew. But it just did not matter to me. it all bored me no matter how hard or complex. I had many wives whom I loved and was deeply devoted to over the years and the first for 30. I would never leave any of them out of loyalty (which I prize above all qualities) and now in retrospect they were all far less than I deserved. Honestly they were abusive but I depended on ALL of them as the social marketing branch of our relationship.
Years ago, I relegated myself to life as a lone wolf and gave up on societies expectations and structure and became the personification of the dangerous appearing person that I was always told I was. It’s the easiest way to run everyone off rather than bother dealing with them. Bad men have no one expecting anything but bad from them. This life of solitude as a professional drifter, living on the sea hunting pirates and living from port to port left me despondent, depressed and given to much excess and addiction. I thank my God, that this life eventually nearly killed me. Quite frankly I would have welcomed death. It was not until I saw the hurt in my grown children’s eyes and watched as the beautiful grand-children began to multiply, that I realized they still needed me.
I set out with a broken and open heart to find my way back to some semblance of a meaningful and useful life. First I needed to figure out who I really was and what my calling truly is. Saving the whole word is too much pressure. I laid aside all the lies and preconceived ideas about who I was and finally forgave myself for my past. I set out on a great journey of self discovery. I often thought my dreams and visions, glimpses of the future, seeing people in spiritual 4-D and the and uncanny ability to see an outcome 10 steps ahead was proof of my madness. Here was a 6-5 300 lb ex commercial diver, Ships captain, Bounty hunter, Bodyguard, Bodybuilder, Biker, broken and scarred inside and out by a life of hard living allowing myself to feel the tenderness and compassion I had long ago stuffed away. I had an epiphany. Life was NOT over for me. It was just beginning!
I began a transition shedding my emotional encumbrances and hearing God in new and wonderful ways through signs and impressions and the mundane and sunrises and nature and people. I parked my bike (for now). Said my goodbyes and forsook all who were dragging me down. My drinking career came to an end as did my proclivity for hell raising and it’s associated trouble. I left my much loved Florida Keys and moved in with my children and grand-children in the foothills of upstate South Carolina (far from my ocean)
It was about this time I began to discover the deeper truths about myself. And this is when things get really juicy. Knowing you are stranded on the Island of Misfit Toys and knowing WHY are two very different things. We spend our lives waiting for Santa and Rudolph to show up and damn it they never do so after enough lonely holidays by the campfire with our whiny ass toy friends we give up. But God showed me another way off the island. A boat washed up on the shore one day when I least expected it. On the transom of this very old skow was the faded name “Kismet” (real name of last boat) It was heavy and beat but very sea worthy. I invited everyone else but they said I was crazy, they were too scared to go. besides they had become “DE-institutionalized”. I shoved off alone into waters I have never been in and have been taking in the amazing sights ever since. I do not know where I am going but I know it will be good. The first stop was the place where I discovered that someone had actually defined my personality type. Not that I did not know about the research. It was just that I never wanted to be “Typed” Somehow, I stumbled on the INFJ definition. (It might have been you). I was stunned. Like really stunned to the core. There has not been much new under the sun in my life in the last decade but this explained EVERYTHING! It was life changing on par with opening a whole new gigantic paradigm. YEAH a huge new uncharted ocean. I was so excited I immediately set out on a side quest to find and connect with my lost tribe. You know the rest of the story. All my conventional means of connection failed. I found large groups of INFJs on MetUp in big cities like Portland but the closest thing I could find was Charlotte 125 miles away. After days of searching the internet, the ridiculousness of my hunt occurred to me and I LMAO. An introvert hunting for introverts at a social gathering. Its like looking to meet black folks at a KKK rally! Everything I found was, as you are likely aware, female oriented. ( would love to compare notes with you on my theory for this someday) It was then I had the big breakthrough with “INFJ Men of the World” group on FB. I thought “wow this will be so cool meeting all these guys”. Yeah right there is like 500 of them WORLDWIDE! Only maybe 20-30 active on it. Not a homophobe but they seem a little bit obsessed with their gayness and sexuality and their “special-ness”. I don’t really fit in there. So 10,000 words later here is my point. This idea of finding QUALIFIED friends is exciting and frankly thank-you Capt Obvious for turning on the light. I encouraged my daughter to do it and she did very successfully just by seeking a friend with common interests on social media. My problem is…. I really want to but it just feels… gay. I mean guys just don’t advertise for other guys for a date. I mean yeah call it a man night out but wow this is H-A-R-D. Do you have any suggestions oh wise one? I could REALLY use a friend or two to talk too. I have really only had a few deep relationships and mostly with platonic women friends and honestly even that would be cool. Men just all stumble around through life accepting pretty much any guy that comes along with a penis and while openness in the male tribe is cool it’s really really shallow. Like football, beer, tits and chicken wings shallow. Were not Mensa, we maintain a pretty low threshold for membership.
Thanks for reading
Clint
Hi Clint, thanks for sharing your story! It’s very interesting and inspiring. Have you considered looking not just for INFJ friends, but other compatible types. INFJs often get along very well with INTP, INFP, INTJ,ENFJ and ENFP types.You might also consider different venue/activities, like hiking groups, poetry slams, and artist’s meetups, as these activities tend to attract more intuitive types, both male and female. 🙂 xo
Michaela dear,
Its a wonderful article but i think every person has its own criteria of friends selection. Somehow we have friends in our life by chance or we get them from the world we live in and try to find the qualities we need in them, so who matches close to our nature made criteria becomes our friend.
I did not find a friend (true) so far in my 42 years of lifetime
I bet some extroverted people have trouble in making or keeping good friends too.
I am introverted. I do have less friends. But, I do not honestly care because I have time to relax, work on my blog and online business, cook, take a walk, etc. I am glad that no one calls me for picking him up somewhere or asking me for money.
It is good to have friends when I need something.
But, what if I need space or time to clear my head?
Can a close friend give me that?
I am constantly learning how more and more of my life makes sense now that I know I am an introvert!! Growing up, I always had loud overbearing personalities as friends. I seemed to always end up feeling like I was stuck in the middle of friend groups that didn’t get along with each other. And I was always just being the follower and “catering to” these larger personalities. Looking back on that now, it was almost a bully/victim relationship sometimes! Now I understand how I attracted those types of friends—this was so eye-opening. As amazingly life-changing as it is to realize introversion in myself, it’s a whole other layer to start to look at other people in my life and where their personalities fall on the spectrum, and how that affects our relationships. Another great article—thank you!
Thanks for an encouraging post, Michaela.
This is something I’ve thought about a lot lately. After making the difficult decision to axe one-sided and draining “friends” from my life, I was faced with the challenge of having to build new friendships. And this time around, with other introverts who (like me) mostly just want to be left alone. It’s hard! Over the past decade, I’ve moved frequently for job opportunities, and that makes forming connections even harder. I think the longer you stay planted in one place, the more natural opportunities you have of establishing real friendships. I hope so anyway 🙂 Thanks for the tip about making good use of those extrovert “connectors”- I’ll have to think about that!
I have a difficult time making friends with someone I actually like. Most of them stay as acquaintances for a long time, mainly because of my rusty social skills. Often than not, I want them to see how interesting I am, but that doesn’t really go the way I hope for. From my observations, I assume it’s due to my responses that are usually meant to end discussions; whether I want it to be that way or not. Another challenging aspect for me is finding a good topic. The awareness of a conversation dying down leaves me in pressure, so my mind works in overdrive to search a discussion that they would possibly like. That doesn’t bode well either, as it often fails and leaves me mentally exhausted. Anyhow, thank you for this post, Michaela! It’s very enlightening to read.
This is so great to read! I can never find other introverted friends because we are all shy people! The loud, talkative types always seek me out. I end up listening to them talk nonstop and feel so tired afterwards. I feel guilty for wanting to dump these friends but then I would have no one. I am secretly scared if someone got to know me, they would think I was weird. My husband is an introvert like me and we both are into movies, pop culture and animation. What other female friend would enjoy these things? I have young kids too so any friends I have are Mom friends. That really sets you back a layer because a lot of women only have an identity through their kids. Most of the conversations involve if junior is potty trained and whose child is excelling at what. Ugh!
Hello Michaela, Really like your posts. I’M a INFJ. I also have a Dismissive Avoidant personality disorder. What do you suggest I do? I can’t seem to find the right kind of counseling to remedy this issue. Any suggestions? Thanks!
Hi Chuck, finding the right kind of counselling can be challenging for anyone. You need to find the right person for you. It you’re looking for a therapist, I suggest looking for someone who specializes in working with HSPs and introverts. If you’re looking for a coach, there are a few INFJ ones out there.
I just read your email post about introverts (yourself) at loud bars…
As a moderate extrovert, I hate those loud, pulsating bars, too! A crowded bar where I can talk is fun, usually. But not when music is so loud you can’t have a conversation…
Just saying, some of us extroverts are on your side, too!
Good to know, Karen! Yes, it’s not so but if the music is low enough that you can talk. 🙂
Some great points! Thank you – these articles have really opened up some meaningful insights for me 🙂 in the past year I’ve made a friend who I wondered about some certain exhibited traits, but it totally makes sense to me now (introvert-wise). I also can see myself in some of these traits that I never thought was me (I’ve always considered myself an extrovert). I now know I have a bit of both 🙂 Overall, knowing the traits, we can definitely learn to be more understanding/empathetic (not just tolerant) of the expressed/unexpressed characteristics.
Thanks for sharing that Lisa. I’m glad my work has helped you understand yourself and others better. 🙂
There is something most people need to do to improve their interpersonal relationships:
STOP COMPULSIVELY CHECKING THEIR PHONES!!!!
Agreed!