Every so often I get a message from a frustrated extroverted woman who is smitten with an introverted guy. Usually said woman has already looked through my blog posts, desperately searching for answers to her dating dilemmas. She is having trouble interpreting the introverted guy’s behavior. She wants to know if he hasn’t made a move because he isn’t interested or because he’s introverted. Other questions that often come up are:
“Should I try to hold back, and be more reserved around him?”
“Can an introvert extrovert relationship work?”
“Why is he so flirty on Facebook and then barely talks to me in real life?”
Being the hopeless romantic INFP that I am, I do my best to help these women. Below is the advice I typically give. You might find it surprising.
What I tell extrovert women who <3 introvert men
1. Stop overcompensating and pursuing him. Just because he is an introvert, doesn’t mean that he is incapable of pursuing a woman he is interested in. If you want a man who will treasure you, treat you right and make you feel like a lady, you need to shift from being dominant, pursuing, and trying to control things, into a more feminine energy …
2. Tap into your feminine energy by allowing men to pursue you and staying open to ALL men flirting with you and asking you out on dates (not just the man you like). If a man does not pursue you – whether he is an introvert or extrovert – it is a bad idea to push him. If he likes you he will pursue you.
If he’s too shy to even make a move, he is not the man for you. You will be putting yourself in a position of always having to be the planner and pursuer, which does not feel good.
3. Just trust me on this, beautiful. I know from A LOT of dating experience. And I have dated many many introverted men, too. It is always better to lean back, give some space, and allow him to pursue you.
Make it known that you like him, by flirting in person and being open and receptive when he approaches you, but resist the urge to message him or devote much time to Skyping with him. As a gorgeous, confident woman, you must never give away your precious time and energy to a man who is not actively pursuing you and making you feel good.
Yes, thanks for the advice. I’m an extroverted woman surrounded by introverted men and can attest that they need to be given a lot of space and respect. No hovering, no stalking, no paying inordinate attention to them. They like being in stealth mode, and they hate being pursued.
You’ve probably already addressed these issues, but once an extroverted woman has really been loved by a introverted man and experienced the amazing unspoken passion, we learn to sit back and let them take charge.
Introverted men love deeply from the head (by giving complements that sound a bit like objective evaluations) and from the heart (by getting us to spend one-on-one time with them so they can share their heart). But otherwise they feel the need to keep the relationship hidden from view.
If an extroverted woman has lots of friends and activities to keep her busy and has patience so she doesn’t obsess over her favorite introvert, these men can be well worth the wait.
Again, very wise words! I chuckled when I read this: “Introverted men love deeply from the head (by giving complements that sound a bit like objective evaluations)” because it brought back so many memories of introverted boyfriends complimenting in that exact way. It takes some getting used to, but is very endearing. 😉
I am in love with a male introvert. I wrote him a letter and expressed to him how I felt. We talked on the phone about it…was not bad. We live in different states. My heart is so with him…I don’t want to lose him nor ever hurt or push him. I let him do his thing…I do my own thing. I just want advice on what I can do to bring us closer…just a better understanding of a male introvert. Thanks.
Very interesting when you say that some introverts give compliments in a way that look very objective and neutral. I am going out with a girl which seems quite introvert, and I am always showing my feelings (I cant hide them), and she is very careful to say that she is in love with parts of me, but not with me, and that she wont promise any love, etc… This hurts me, and when I get compliments from her, it sounds always so objective, almost robotic, so i dont really feel it as a compliment.
But as you said, its just their way, and I have to get used to it. We have been dating for 3 months and I never know if she likes me or not. I tried to break up twice because I felt she didnt like me, and on those two times she fought hard to keep me, so I felt that she really likes me.
I think its kinda stupid to have to make such a big drama just to check if the person likes me (I dont do it on purpose, it just happens), so I hope that we get mature soon and can enjoy our times together instead of me getting worried.
I love her too much to give up, but I have to admit it is very, very hard… sometimes I pray to God so that I dont get crazy on the process!!
Thanks all of you!
So is the man supposed to be into the woman more so than the woman is into the man?
New to the introvert. If the self professed introvert stops what they are doing, gets up and comes to have a conversation with you is that a sign of interest or just being respectful, especially when they are doing work for you? Lingering, following you around, and seemingly not in a rush to get back to their work. Going out of their way to help you outside of the SOW. If it is interest…and you won’t see them unless you hire them…what does an assertive, extrovert do?
This is one of the rare posts from Michaela where I basically disagree. You have to remember this is a woman talking about a man’s point of view, and she’s also telling an extroverted woman what she wouldn’t like from an introverted woman’s POV.
Just because a guy is into you doesn’t mean he will pursue you. Guys nowadays are scared to approach women, especially depending on the culture they come from. A lot of American men are scared to approach, and many introverted men don’t even know how to start conversations or friendships with people, which makes it harder for them. The days of “let a woman be a woman and a man be a man” stereotypes are dying, and that seems to be Michaela’s bottom line, i.e. be a woman and let the man pursue. But it can be easier on an introverted man to have the woman doing more, and the average extroverted woman is not going to mind doing more vs an introverted woman. When introverts have to do all the work in forming a relationship, it feels unnatural and difficult for us–we don’t want to pursue people. Extroverts generally aren’t like that.
Also, as an introvert, I don’t mind being pursued, as long as it’s by a woman I like and she’s not going overboard.
I also don’t think a woman needs to be open to every man who is interested in her, and with someone of Michaela’s beauty level I don’t get the point. Maybe less attractive women and women who don’t get approached much should be more open and possibly women who are not getting the results they want, but otherwise you can and probably should be choosy. It’s interesting that Michaela thinks that way and it’s probably something that should give men a lot of hope that a very beautiful woman has that kind of mentality (because men tend to think the most beautiful women won’t give them the time of day). But I think, in general there are a lot of good reasons for women to be discriminating with men.
People can’t make people feel something.
We are responsible for our innards and cannot place that burden on someone else.
This is what i find most complexing: The expectation of fulfillment from a relationship. Like two sick people needing each other to get by, enabling each others weakness because of fear of self refecltion then calling that complimentary.
I just don’t understand. So much, the thought of dabbling in this dysfunction leaves me to withdrawal from the whole mess of relationships. However, i love everyone; truly in my heart I care deeply about the world so…i…i know that someone is out there that has the balance I’m looking for between self reliance and compatibility. I hesitate because I know that day might not come but I know I’d rather not be in a “dysfunctional” relationship then be in a relationship at all.
Recently while “scouting” introvert sites, I realized that I’ve had a pattern of attraction to and have dated many introverted guys. My most recent “muse”, is an introverted gentleman that attends my place of worship. He has a quiet, yet sophisticated awkwardness that I’m drawn to. I realized that he’s talkative when one on one with me. He seems to come out his comfort zone to get my attention at times. He gives genuine compliments and he’s very thoughtful. The discovery of his beautiful qualities makes me antsy because I want to get to know him but he’s not making a move! help!!L
He won’t. He needs a lot of time =/ For me its like a month minimum… But extroverted people want to be everything fast 🙂 I also had this experience once… i am very introverted guy, really enjoyed one womans company, but could not even talk about my feeling in a crowd, way TOOOO many toughts. so it kinda ended, i think or i don’t know.
I agree with ren,
Michaela telling an outgoing extroverted woman not to pursue an introverted man she is interested in, is very bad advice ( I say this with genuine sincerety so no disrespect to you Michaela , I am just telling the way it is). I am an extreme introverted man whom was pursued by my current girlfriend who is a happy go luck, outgoing extreme firecracker of an extrovert (I am strongly and deeply attracted to this type of extroverted woman) so I know this from experience. I am not saying this just to be a rude a-hole!
So then Michael, since you welcomed your GF reaching out, how do you navigate your courtship. Does she plan your get togethers? How do you work out the finances for dating if she suggests an activity and you participate? What decade age wise are you both? Thanks
How did she pursue you and worked? LoL. I want advice. Trying to figure out my first step here.
As an introverted guy, I can tell you that most of the time if you follow this, you’ll end up losing our respect and we’ll move on faster than you can think. We hate games. We hate lack of communication and openness. We value honesty and genuineness. And we’re very strong individuals in the inside who appreciate a softer approach. Whatever game you play on a typical extroverted man won’t work on us. We don’t need validation. So we won’t pursue anyone to get it. If we’re interested, we’ll let you know mostly through our actions. We don’t play games (most of us).