There’s a script that people follow when someone dies, and it might be there because we as humans don’t know how to wrap our heads around death. This goes for everyone: extroverts, introverts, highly sensitive people, and those less sensitive.
So it’s easier to rely on rituals and phrases we all know, “Sorry for your loss”, “let me know if you need anything, “it’s all a part of life.”
These situations can get more complicated for introverts who deal with their own losses or those who are trying to help others who are grieving, so I decided to discuss the topic of death and grief to maybe help at least one person reading. I will talk about the invisible work associated with loss and the different situations we need to be aware of, and, finally, how to actually help.
The Invisible Work of the Aftermath
Losses bring an avalanche of tasks that fall on the bereaved. There can be estate issues, insurance claims, memorial arrangements, and endless phone calls. Receiving condolences can be particularly draining, especially for more solitary people, as well as hosting, attending visitations, repeating the stories over and over, and finally, managing other people’s emotions about your loss.
This is exhausting even for naturally social people, as you’re expected to constantly engage while you’re feeling completely emotionally depleted.
After the funeral and the work is over, people realize they didn’t even have time to grieve. And everyone does it differently, based on their own personal situation and the circumstances surrounding the death. Grieving often looks like:
- Processing internally rather than speaking about it
- Needing solitude to feel one’s feelings fully
- Feeling overwhelmed by group expressions of sympathy
- Needing to talk it out immediately
- Looking for comfort in ritual and community gatherings
- Needing physical activity or creative outlets
What Grieving People Actually Need
Practical Help
“Let me know if you need anything” puts the burden on the bereaved to identify their needs and ask for help. This is difficult during trauma, so don’t require them to delegate the work. It’s better to offer specific help, without being asked.
This can include picking up prescriptions, bringing food, offering to drive, or helping with the paperwork.
Help Navigating Complex Systems
There’s a lot of bureaucracy that comes with death. Legal matters, insurance claims, estate settlements, and benefit applications. If it was a traffic or other accident, there may be investigations, liability issues, or complex legal proceedings.
Help the bereaved research and vet professionals such as attorneys, financial advisors, or grief counselors. Accompany them to difficult meetings to help. A woman mentioned how disorienting it was for her to sit across from a fatal motorcycle accident lawyer just days after the funeral, while she didn’t even understand all the ways in which her life changed.
Help the bereaved organize paperwork and deadlines and advocate for them.
Be There Long-Term
During the first few weeks, everyone shows up, but as time passes, they move on with their lives. Bereaved people are left with fewer people to support them, even though the process can be quite intense for a whole year after the death.
Invite them with zero expectations, send occasional texts, remember difficult dates, and keep showing up without overwhelming the grieving person.
Authenticity Instead of Platitudes
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“They’re in a better place.”
“God needed another angel.”
“At least they didn’t suffer.”
Sometimes, sitting with people in silence is much better and more authentic than sharing these phrases. Acknowledge that there are no words and that the situation is just awful. There’s no need to fix it or find any meaning behind it.
Permission to Grieve Their Own Way
Don’t expect people to grieve a certain way and get back to normal after a while. If they’re not in the mood to socialize, or they’re cancelling plans at the last minute, accept it gracefully and give them space.
On the other hand, if they’re staying busy and active as a way to cope, find activities they might enjoy, go on a hike, go to brunch, or see a movie. Notice how they are handling it, and don’t try to change them. Stay patient.
