Dear innie friend,
A few years ago, I came to the realization that I had been pretty numb for a while. It’s not that I was depressed, or unhappy. I just didn’t feel a whole lot of emotion in general. It was like I lived in the neutral zone of feelings where everything is just kinda beige and blah.
This didn’t seem right to me. Why didn’t I feel things deeply? Where was the spark?
Being the introspective introvert that I am, I decided this needed further exploration. What had caused this inner numbness? And how could I fix it?
Well, since then, I’m glad to report that I’ve escaped the beige blahs of emotionless existence. Today, I feel deeply. And openly. I now see that emotions are the spark of life. They rejuvenate our body and give our spirit wings.
Why you feel numb
What I’ve come to understand since starting this blog is that my numbness was actually closely tied to being introverted and highly sensitive.
You see, emotions are pretty freaking overwhelming. And if you’re sensitive, and inward focused, emotions can be downright scary. In order to cope in a very extroverted environment, where we face constant energy drain and overwhelm, one of the first things we shut down is our own emotions.
We might also feel like our authentic emotions are shameful, and need to be hidden. We live in a culture that views vulnerability as weakness. Only certain emotions are deemed “appropriate”, the rest must be hidden from view and suppressed.
Hide your emotions well enough and even you won’t know how to find them.
So what was the magic cure?
To be honest, there were a lot of things that I did (and continue to do) to reconnect with my own emotions. But the first and most important step was to simply give myself permission to do so.
I told myself that I was open and willing to experience the whole spectrum of emotions again – even the scary ones. And when I did feel things deeply, I whispered a quiet “thank you” to the Universe for teaching me how to be alive again.
Love,
Beautifully written Michaela! I’m going through a similar stage now where I’m trying to rediscover the emotional side of things. I worked in a string of high-pressure jobs for many years that enabled & rewarded rational thinking, but I neglected the other side of things. It’s a work in progress 🙂
Thanks Phillip! Yes, rediscovering your emotions is one of those things that takes time, but it’s great that you recognize it and are thinking about it. 🙂
I’ve always registered a flat line on the emotion meter. I remember being that way as a kid and now I’m in my 60’s. I don’t think I’m broken – that’s just how I am.
I’ve felt that way before — like a dry, empty well. You let down the bucket and only get a rattling sound and a gust of cool, damp air in response. It’s horrible. I’ve learned that when I feel that way, I’m usually overdue for a vacation, and partly into burning out. I’m learning to take much better care of myself day-to-day, and manage my energy much better. With 3 kids and a demanding calling, plus keeping my marriage strong, it’s not easy, but it’s worth it when it all goes right. Thanks for the post.
Thanks for sharing. I think you’re right that a lot of times disconnection with our emotions has to do with burnout.
What do you mean by this? Can you put it in a simple way since i’m young?
How do you connect (or reconnect ) with your own emotions?
Michaela, reading your article made me remember a time back when I was teenager, when my biggest goal in life was to kill the part of myself that felt… I remember creating mantras for myself where I’d just chant “feel nothing” over and over again until I started to feel in control of myself again in the moment. I longed SO HARD to go numb, and somehow I never truly managed it.
I’m so grateful now that I never managed to kill that part of me… but it took a long, long time before I got truly comfortable with the depth of emotions I can feel sometimes.
Blessings
TANJA
I understand the part about needing to hide your emotions and not wanting to appear vulnerable. This seems to be more taboo, than true in society. You can show your emotions to a close coworker, or while on break, but make sure that your superiors don’t use it against you, and make sure you are able to suck up enough that it can be excusable.