Rejection is something that everyone must deal with in this life. Introverts can experience rejection because of our quiet ways, our need to be alone, and our “strange” way of being in the world. A lot of people who don’t understand our behavior will respond by rejecting us. Others will reject us because we just aren’t a fit with what they’re looking for in a partner, employee, friend, or mentor.
The truth is that everyone experiences the sharp pang of rejection many times throughout their life. Likewise, each of us rejects others on a regular basis. For example, we introverts might say “no thanks” to people who are too pushy, chatty or overbearing. Most of us have had to break up with someone because they weren’t our ideal match. And we’ve all declined products and services that we just plain don’t want or need.
Yep, rejection is an unavoidable part of this crazy, big, beautiful life we’re living. In fact, the more we live life on our own terms, the more we’ll face rejection. We’ll say “no” to a lot more things that aren’t in alignment with our values, and a lot more people will say “no” to our outside-the-box style of living.
So, rejection actually isn’t the horrible, dreadful thing we’ve built it up to be. It’s no big deal. We can put on our grown-up pants and handle rejection with poise and grace. We can shrug off that gut-wrenching , end-of-the-world feeling. And we can just move right on without missing a beat.
Except, of course, when we can’t.
When rejection cripples you
A lot of the time, rejection cripples us. It lobs off the legs of our self-esteem, and prevents us from moving forward. Then it’s not long before the little troll in our brain takes over. It tells us things like:
“You are NEVER going to find love/happiness/purpose.”
“You are ALWAYS going to feel lost and misunderstood.”
Then the troll gets really creative, and starts giving us examples of all the times in the past when we felt the same way. It reminds us of the other instances when people were put off by our introverted nature. It tells us that there is something wrong with us. And if we let it, that annoying little troll will take advantage of our introverted tendency to overthink things, and it will take full reign of our mind.
Whew! Talk about exhausting.
So, how do we overcome the debilitating pain of rejection? Firstly, I want to emphasize why it is so important that we get over it as quickly as possible
Empowerment vs. helplessness
When we begin allowing negative thoughts about ourselves to run rampant in our brain, we start to feel a sense of helplessness. We get stuck in our own giant, sticky puddle of self-pity. Instead of feeling empowered to change our circumstances, we feel lost and afraid.
So, how the heck do we get over rejection and get empowered?
The BIG middle finger
The BIG middle finger is an incredibly empowering and effective tool for getting over rejection fast. I’ve used it countless times in my own life and I can tell you with confidence that it really works. It silences the troll, boosts your self-esteem (in a BIG way) and gets you out of your pity puddle so you can soar to new heights.
Sounds awesome, right?
What the heck is the BIG middle finger?
The BIG middle finger is a tool that is ideal for situations when you feel especially rejected. It can be aimed at a person, institution, or a whole section of society.
The BIG middle finger is the decision to tap into the awesome, authentic, enormous power that is already within you and use it to transform your life in a BIG way. It tells whoever rejected you that you are a powerhouse of epic awesomeness and they will be sorry they ever told you otherwise.
Here’s how it works: you take those powerful emotions of sadness, anger, and fear and you turn them into determination. Then you take control of your own mind (see ya later Mr. Troll) and begin strategizing how you can give the biggest middle finger imaginable to the person/institution/portion of society that has rejected you.
It’s only metaphorical, silly
By now you probably realize that this is a metaphorical middle finger and that you won’t actually be driving to someone’s house and shoving your middle finger in his or her face.
The truth is that by the time you are done planning and implementing your BIG middle finger, you’ll have forgotten all about the little folks who rejected you along the way. But it helps at the beginning to have someone to aim it at.
Example of the BIG middle finger:
Your partner breaks up with you for another man or woman. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, you use the experience as an opportunity to invest in yourself through fitness programs, self-development courses and whatever else feels good to you. You also take full ownership of your quiet power and start attracting better people (and romantic prospects) into your life.
Usually the person who dumped you will notice and feel regret, or they’ll at least be sorry they underestimated you. They also might just be really happy for you. Either way, by then you won’t care what they think.
Building healthy habits
Creating empowering daily habits is a great way to start orchestrating your BIG middle finger. It gets you feeling really good about yourself, and tells the troll that you are a person who keeps the promises she makes to herself.
Rejection is a great motivator for embarking on a daily fitness routine, or reconnecting to your spirit through daily meditation.
Getting back on the horse
If you’ve been suffering from post-breakup blues for a while, it might be time to get back in the game. As someone who has been on over 50 first dates and countless second and third dates in the past three years alone, I am a definite advocate for playing the field.
Remember, a date is not a long-term commitment. You don’t need to be “ready” to date again. You don’t have to “get your shi* together” to go for coffee with someone. You don’t have to be able to see yourself marrying a person in order to justify going on one date with him or her. A date is a practice session, an experiment, a fun little challenge. Don’t overthink this, love!
Going on lots of dates is a great way to add some extra oomph to your BIG middle finger. You might not agree with this, but know that I’m saying this from personal experience and it really does work!
The key ingredient
Whatever you do, the most important thing is that you stay true to who you are. And know that you are worthy of love, acceptance and every other good thing life has to offer right now.
I also want you to know that there is a place where your quirky, introverted, beautifully flawed true self is fully accepted. And that place is right here.
I accept you whole-heartedly as a member of this innie community and I’m so grateful to have you here!
Lots of love,
Sorry to ask this here- don’t think my comment went through on another post related to dating. Again, I love this blog- and the dating articles are VERY helpful. But as an introvert, isn’t going on so many dates with men you’ll probably not connect with exhausting? And doesn’t it feel like you’re making a lot of shallow connections instead of really deep ones? I’ve heard a lot of women advocate playing the field, and I’ve resisted so far… but maybe I should try it?
Hi Sali, great question. I’m a strong believer in viewing dating as an experiment – a practice session where you discover how to create the comfort and trust needed for connection. If you can do this with someone who you don’t naturally connect with, it will be WAY easier when the right person comes along. I find that as long as you keep it to one first date per week, it is very manageable, even as an introvert.
I find this all about me me me introvert self satisfaction rather mean spirited. It is all about you without handling out a guide book to everyone you make an effort to connect with or vice versa you expect everyone to be mind readers and cater to you or else you rudely drop them and they have NO IDEA what triggered you dumping mood. Shame. This is not how society grows it only divides and leaves a lot of hurting humanity to protect your uncommunicating self. The middle finger might be pointing at yourself.
I am so grateful for this blog – from another introverted woman! everything on this blog is pertinent to me – at last, something that speaks to me, is relevant to my life and the problems I must solve.
this post has me rethinking an invitation I received from a man a few months ago, who seems perfectly nice and, well, reasonable. I know it’s not love or anything, but gina louisa, i never approach and I KNOW i’ve got to work on being approachable. Heck, the one and only time I gave a man my number was about two years ago. It then took me until about three weeks ago to approach another guy, and that was just to give him a short, quick compliment – like roping a calf – and then I was outta there.
So, the recent invitation would be a good opportunity to get out there organically – rather than the online thing which I am extremely tired of – and just get used to the idea that the object is to get used to being myself around men until the right one – if it happens – comes along.
Yes! Great idea Heidi. If nothing else, it will be good dating practice. 😉 xxo
I go out and I am really polite I do my upmost to get on with everyone , but for some reason after a while I seem to be looked on as an idiot , and trust me I’m a fool for no one I just don’t understand why me with manners empathy and respect , is treated with contempt and someone who just doesn’t care and quite frankly is pig ignorant gets treated with respect , oh well no matter I won’t change no mater how I’m treated .
I have the same problem, I invite you to exchange with experiende and get to know each other.
If you are interested, let’s exchange with contacts.
Hi Michaela you are a beautiful introvert. And i am proud of you for having such a beautiful person in my introvert community.
I realize you try to help other introverts, but rejection, perped by family members, is much more destructive on the veteran. We seek isolation, because no one wants us around. I want nothing to do with this society. Give me a remote place, and I’ll live out my life, without cruel humanity.
Thank you for helping me to know that I am needed and important. Because many times I feel left out or on the outside looking in. I really have a hard time with rejection because, I take it as a personal rejection to me which does not help my self-esteem. How do I overcome this rejection especially from a man. It feels like a rejection to me as a woman?