If you’re an INFJ like me, then you probably know how much we hate lies. If there’s something that completely throws us off balance, it’s when someone doesn’t speak the truth. INFJs can put up with a lot of crap, but lying is where we draw the line.
Why INFJs hate lies so much
INFJs notice everything, and that includes lies too. However, that doesn’t mean we’re immune to the pain they can cause. Quite the contrary, lies affect us worse than any other personality type. The main reason why is because we value honesty and integrity above everything else.
Our idealistic trait stubbornly tries to convince us that everyone is honest. This is why INFJs have so many trust issues.
I know all too well how this feels. Every time I meet someone new, I assume that he or she speaks the truth. Suffice it to say, that’s not always the case. As I always say to my INFJ clients, not everyone has the same heart and belief system that we do.
INFJs can see through a lie
I already mentioned our ability to see and notice everything, but nowhere is this more expressed than when a person tries to lie to an INFJ. Forget about lie detectors, because INFJs are the real deal.
Our ability to read facial expressions, notice the slightest shift in a person’s voice tone, and intuitively feel a suspicious change make us the perfect advocates and counselors.
We instinctively know when someone is not telling the truth. I’ll tell you a little secret. An INFJ even knows when someone lies through a written message. This is how good we are at recognizing insincerity.
Others might think you’re weird
You must understand, because of your sharp INFJ ability to pinpoint when somebody lies, you’ll be seen as weird and sometimes even dangerous.
So the question I want you to ask yourself is: “Do I want to live a fake life, or an authentic one?”
INFJs are beacons of uniqueness
Being an HSP, empath INFJ, I spent countless hours convincing myself that my sincere nature is worth all the difficulties I went through. I can tell you with the utmost certainty, it was. I now see all those “there’s something wrong with you” looks as compliments. They showed me that I am unique and authentic.
If we chose to, INFJs would be the perfect liars. We know how to spot a lie, but at the same time, it would be almost impossible for anyone to detect our lies. But that’s never going to happen. An INFJ knows how much lies hurt. That’s why we choose the path of honesty and understanding.
No matter the consequences you may face, orwhat people say, be sincere. You’re not doing it because of anyone else, but because your amazing INFJ mind doesn’t need lies to prosper. It needs you to be true to yourself, even if you’re the only one doing so. <3
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What about you?
What do you do when someone lies to you? Do you give them a second chance, or do you close the door for good? Feel free to share your comments below, I would love to hear from you on this important topic for INFJs!
I liked your article Marko. None of my friends or probably even my wife understand how much I hate lies. In this new world of Trump I am really shaken to my core. It has turned the world upside down. The constant stream of such obvious lies has me in such a state of mind that I want to have almost nothing to do with the regular world. I doubt I am the only one who feels this way either.
Thanks so much Ernie! I’m glad you liked the article. 🙂
Thank you for your article! I actually opened up to someone. She was so manipulative, going so far as to say she was an INFJ too! Totally not, and I knew it and was so mad when she even stated the lie! Her reasons for having a friendship with me were totally self serving ! Without going into detail, she basically had a motive and is still trying to continue her sheraide! Even after I have completely confronted her! More lies! It makes me sick!
I’m really sorry you had to go through that… But I’m glad you like the article. 🙂
Thanks Marko, coming from a family where narcissism & lying is almost like a second nature, the concept of truth was the one thing I hung unto for dear life as a child in a deeply dysfunctional family. To me my own truth & that of how others perceived me in the outside world is so important. I have had to call members out on their lies (mind you the holes in their stories you could’ve driven a truck through them, so it wasn’t that hard). The sad thing is that if your family is prepared to lie to you, that doesn’t bode well for other close intimate relationships. I however have taken the high ground & try to believe that people are generally honest & respectful..
I feel the same way Ernie!
I know exactly how you feel. In the Trump era, I’ve been more depressed than ever over the world we live in. I also can’t understand why so many people can’t see through him like I can. It’s very isolating for me, no one in my life likes that I can detect deceit. Even my kids complain I’m ruining things for them when their youtube videos are staged or lying to get more views. I feel like I’m doing them a favor by shining a light on them but it only seems to get on everyone’s nerves. I’m still happy to be who I am, but it’s so isolating sometimes. You’re not alone, I wanted you to know.
Same here Ernie. So many lies on CNN. I’m not left or right. I was there in Kenosha. Media lied. Im blk and I got harassed.
It is insulting when someone lies, like they assume I am not bright enough to know better. I feel manipulated and betrayed. I have walked away without a second thought from a friend that continued to lie and exaggerate. I felt if she didn’t care enough to be honest, it wasn’t a friendship worth nurturing. I mean if you don’t trust someone, why even bother?
Correct my friend. This is me spot on.
This is absolutely true!
I’d give them 2nd, 3rd, 4th… chances but I’m not going to trust them so easily:) atleast I need to think 10 times more -_-
Thanks Marko, you were spot on.
Lying is one of my pet hates. I can see right through them.
I once had a close family member lie to me for 3 years, & I felt like I was dying inside. I suffered from stomach ulcers from the stress of it.
The times when I’ve lied, its usually to protect to someone- to keep the peace. But I don’t like doing it. It affects me a lot.
You’re most welcome D. 🙂 I hear you, lying is my pet peeve too. I’m really sorry you went through that difficult period with your family member…
This was very accurate.
Thank you so much! 🙂
So the question I want you to ask yourself is: “Do I want to live a fake life, or an authentic one?”
I question myself everyday, still the problem stays the same. I came lately to realize that everyone is fake to a major point. Of course I give plenty of “second” chances, cause I don’t want to be left alone. I feel sorry for me after.
Don’t be so hard on yourself Christina. There is still authenticity and honesty to be found, and you are not alone. 🙂 Please know you are enough and worthy, no matter who is present in your life.
This is EXACTLY what I’m going through right now. Someone who was extremely close to me, has suddenly changed because of a small mistake I made, something most people wouldn’t have cared about and now they are lying to me and not being honest with me about things and don’t want to be close anymore. I know they are lying because I know that person in and out and I know how they deal with problems, which is avoidance, silence or lying. The funny thing is they have hurt me more than anyone else ever has, because of that one small mistake. Said the worst things to me and cut me off from their life.
And it’s killing me right now. I have been communicating openly and even apologising and taking all the blame on myself when they should be the one apologising for pushing me away and for hurting me like they did.
But it seems only us INFJ’s are consistent in our emotions and feelings for others. I can’t hold grudges against anyone or purposely be spiteful or hurt anyone. So I haven’t even said anything hurtful to them and I have given them a second chance.
I’ve given others second chances too, those who have hurt me a lot through life. I just can’t seem to hurt them back or do anything other than love them, because I feel that if I hurt them back it continues the vicious cycle and I”m not gonna be a part of that. Love can heal and I will continue to love selflessly regardless of how people hurt me or take me for granted. That’s the only way to not become like them or become a part of the problem. That’s the only way to fix things.
I just had to reply to this comment to say I agree with everything you have said.
I also believe in the healing power of love and kindness. It does good to both parties.
I am also an INFJ who is surrounded in flying monkeys, all I can do is strategize my escape without breathing a word because the attack on me for telling the truth isn’t worth it. Sometimes you have to quietly close the door. When they hand you the scissors there is no longer any choice but to cut them off. And that gives me peace , I am not arguing with a liar.
I let go of lies because I’m aware that white lies (or even outright lies) are sometimes necessary to keep the peace and social dance going. That doesn’t mean I will lie (intentionally at least), and I hate being accused of lying. But I am learning and experimenting with using exaggerations tactfully to achieve some effect. It’s more fun to be playful than literal all the time.
An really interesting point of view, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts Brian! 🙂
I just wanted to add this..
Just a few jumbled thoughts on leaders & lying…
Good leaders lead by example. (Jesus, Gandhi)
Bad leaders lead by domineering attitudes (To assert ones will over another in an arrogant way). (Hitler)
I think you cannot be domineering without using lies. (I could be wrong here)
Unfortunately, a lot of our leaders are like this. They choose to be domineering instead of leading by good example.
Lying is just their tool to assert their dominance. To win power struggle in their mind.
Hopefully my jumbled INFJ thoughts make some kind of sense at 3am in the morning 🙂
Thanks for sharing this D. 🙂 I always believed that INFJs don’t like to dominate, along with lies, but rather use our understanding, honesty, and kindness to help people, as much as possible.
Thank you, I couldn’t agree more. We need more Infj leaders in the world 🙂
You have to keep in mind that no personality type is better than another
This is so interesting! I only recently found out I was an INFJ but have always known I have the ability to spot insincerity. When someone I love lies to me, I hear the lie but feel the truth with my whole body. When a particularly harmful lie is told, it can feel as if I have physically hit. On a deeper note, when I call someone out on a harmful lie and they continue to lie (or get defensive), it is horribly confusing and painful for me. I know that I am much more sensitive to gaslighting than most (it can completely derail me) and I suspect that is an INFJ thing too. I guess I just need to learn to trust my instincts and walk away as soon as I feel insincerity.
Glad you found the article interesting Kate, and that you found out you’re an INFJ. 🙂 You’re right, trust your intuition, because it will immediately recognize when someone you’re speaking with is lying.
If you lie to me I will still talk to them, & I will never trust or believe that person ever again, all the trust is gone forever. I hate people who lie because they don’t want to hurt your feelings , or they did something wrong & they don’t want you to get upset, etc. They think by lieing its gonna make things better. But for me it actually makes things worse. I have more respect for honesty, even though the truth hurts.
You’re right Brenda, lies make things worse, and even though the truth can hurt sometimes, it’s value is priceless. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. 🙂
Your article is spot-on, Marko! Truth has a certain ring to it. Even if someone’s telling me something I really want to hear but it’s not true, it actually sounds hollow. And I feel a disconnect in my gut.
The profound lack of integrity behind a lie intended to manipulate/misdirect an outcome erodes trust, respect and honest communication. So… there’s no relationship anyway. Door slam and distancing are my only options with that person unless they come clean of their own accord and COMPLETELY clean up the mess they made. If the deceit occurred in a business context and we go a second round, it’s with a tighter contract. And I’ve noticed that with exacting stipulations fully described…liars won’t sign. In matter of the heart a lie affecting my life or well-being (“softened” opinions on clothing/cooking/interior decorating are OK!) is a bullet and we’re done. In matters of friendship, well….they can’t come to my birthday party. 🙂
Thanks Alison! Truth may hurt, and even though it can sound differently from what we want to hear, it brings integrity like you said, and a huge dose of respect, because, well, it’s the truth.
Hello, sometimes people talk to me and I reply, You are the cleanest pain of glass Ive ever seen !! They always look puzzled and say, What? I reply, I see through You like looking through a clear window, yes hard like glass, could hurt me, could shattered and hurt or break me, still I see right through You, dont lie be honest, its a tough road and the honest way to go…
Interesting truth analogy Yan, thank you for sharing it. 🙂
Thank You for sharing Your time with me, I wish You Hope Love and Compassion, respectfully Yan.
Thanks Yan for your kind words. 🙂
Hello ! yes you’re totally right ! I (infj ) extremely hate lies, it hurts me a lot. It happened to me, to engage with someone. he used to give me some promises, as we will get married, he will do his best etc. But actually, he didn’t. I made the remark many many many times, he goes on that considering that I m just talking for talking, and that hurted me so deeply because I believe that it’s not sincere from his part. According to me those are lies, even if he said all the time that he didn’t.
I never thought I can be so dangerous, until I exploded, I was hurted, I made a big full stop. I really felt myself underestimated, misunderstood, angry and hurted.
I just want to say to people I know, Please don’t lie to me. I extremely hate that 🙁
Hi Raj, I’m sorry you had to go through this unpleasant experience. Indeed, lies never solve everything, especially false promises. For INFJs, we just want the truth, no matter how difficult it may sound. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Thank you Marko for your article. I can spot a false person when he walks in the door even before he started talking. I usually give them a wide berth but unfortunately family is another story. I have in-laws that can talk for hours and the conversation would be so riddled with lies, I just phase out, look them in the eye and don’t listen to anything they say anymore. Those members of the family got my INFJ door slam years ago. I haven’t spoken to them in a decade. I get so incensed that people can lie through their teeth and think that I am so stupid that I would believe it! It’s dowright insulting.
You are most welcome. 🙂 I’m sorry this unpleasant situation happened to you… I believe it wasn’t easy.
Thanks for the article Marko, I really enjoyed it and I agree that INFJ’s value truthfulness and honesty as a top priority. I definitely try to see the best in people and trust that what they say is true. I do get kind of ticked when people lie to me, but my softer side kicks in and now it doesn’t really affect me. However, if someone calls me a liar, my anger flares through the roof and to the moon. I mean, even after an apology I have to be alone and calm down.
Another thing, I can tell when someone in my family is lying and I’m usually quick to point it out. When someone outside my family tells a lie, It’s really hard for me to detect it because I really want it to be true, especially since most people I interact with are Christians. Outside of the religious community, I can usually tell when there’s something fishy going on in a conversation.
You are most welcome, Shay! I hear you, being INFJs, see god in everyone, but we also have our limits. Glad you like the article. 🙂
When someone you care for and felt cared for you lies to you it’s as if they are telling you they feel you are not worth the effort of the truth and you’re not bright enough to catch the lie
This really can be a painful moment, Kim. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Thank you Marko for writing the article it’s so on point ! Well done
Thanks Kim! 🙂
Love your article Marko! I always thought I was just an ‘odd-ball’, shy, awkward; yes I could read lies, yes I want to save everyone and everything … but I never knew why. A friend was taking a psyche class in college and had me take the ‘Meyers-Briggs’ test … that’s when it all came together for me — I realized ‘THIS IS WHO I AM” !!
I had a narcissist mother and first husband, my current husband fits “The Bridge” scenario perfectly (if you are familiar). We should have seperated years ago but I feel bad, I feel like he wont be able to make it without me .. so 10+ years later we are sadly still together. I help others to my own detriment whether financially or emotionally ..
You are exactly right, I hate lies and I can spot them from a mile away. Sometimes people think I am an empath .. its quite spooky. I always thought it was ‘divine intervention’ when the truth oddly fell into my hands ..My current husband even said to me “just because you fit that personality type doesn’t mean you cant change, you don’t have to remain like that” … I wouldn’t change a thing!! I love wanting to help people, animals, worthy causes … I love that I can ‘feel others pain’ and really understand what someone is going through. I didn’t used to love knowing when people lie, but now I am on alert– and when I detect ‘the lie’ I restate what was said and say ‘are you saying —–‘ and watch them squirm .. then actually say ‘ I’m having trouble believing that’ .. I think then people who lie to me now just think I am mean or arrogant — and they steer clear — but those who ‘know me, really know me’ know I will do anything for you, help you in any way I can .. be there for you when at your lowest and there to celebrate your successes without jealousy or bitterness ..
I’m in my 50’s now .. I’m almost a hermit because I get hurt so often I don’t want to be around anyone anymore .. I see so much ‘yuckiness’ in the world I just don’t want to participate anymore .. so I work, go home, repeat tomorrow .. From this point until the end of my life, all I want to do is make a difference, do some good, help make positive changes in the world — and save whoever and whatever I can … is that a bad goal?? lol
Now that I know ‘who’ I am .. I am happy with it.. and wouldn’t change a thing!
I’m glad you like the article, Mary. 🙂 Oh, and I;m happy you are happy with who you are now, that’s one of the greatest victories an INFJ can achieve. 🙂
Wow. Just wow. I never thought I would read an article as accurate as this one. This is so on point..like “Finally..someone understands me”. Thank you for this article and I would love to read more about this topic. ?
Thank you so much Floica for your kind words! I’m glad you like the article, and you are so welcome! 🙂
As an INFJ who has unfortunately ran into so many narcissistic, manipulative and passive aggressive people in my life, my intuition has gotten more accurate. It’s now easier to notice when someone is lying or trying to make me think I’m misinterpreting something when I’m not. Sure they will tell me I’m wrong or act as though I’m weird, but deep down, I think it scares them. The funny thing is that when I bring their behavior up, they always seem to say “That was not *insert whatever the dysfunctional behavior is here (e.g. a passive aggressive jab)* without my even directly saying “that was a passive aggressive jab”. So they give themselves away regardless.
Although I dislike confrontation and conflict, I find the best way to handle the situation is to call them out on their nonsense despite the fact that most will tell you it’s not so. If the person does remain in my life, I notice they always stop their misbehavior after that, showing I was right. A lot of these people are very sensitive and become emotional wrecks when someone confronts them. The age old saying “Actions speak louder than words” is so true. It’s sad that this type of behavior is becoming more the norm while genuine and authentic healthy behavior is becoming a rarity.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, Anais! Yes, genuine and honest behavior is becoming more and more rare unfortunately…
Thanks for the article, can relate.
Sometimes when I find myself lying (or not even lying but just avoiding the truth) I literally can’t get my anxiety levels down until things are straightened out. Sleep is out of the question. But while I’m lying I get this buzz of ‘I have you completely wrapped around my finger and you have no idea and you never will know muh ha ha’. Then guilt trip enters right on time and, well, I back out of the web of lies I’ve woven thinking ‘if only I wasn’t so good at this’. I think it’s a blessing (in disguise?) that most of us INFJ’s have such a strong moral compass, or I bet we would exploit everyone around us. Or maybe that’s just me? Mm, might be time for me to do some soul searching to quash any world domination plans buried somewhere deep down.
Thanks again for the article.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on this, Shaybeth! I’m glad you liked the article, and that you could relate. 🙂
I teach my kids not to lie and if they do the consequence will always be worse when I show you that your lieing ,tell the truth less trouble I swear and it works!! But I do get the odd lie now and again however I can tell emedatly and call them on it and now they think I’m psychic lol. not long ago my daughter (20) was telling me some situation she was in and 1/2 r through telling me I stop her with NO that’s not true that a lie she’s tries to say no I’m not lieing but finally admits defeat lol she’s a INFJ as well but her bf wanted her to fib but he was thrown right off when I could tell over the phone when the story went from real to lie yep I’m that good jk lol
Thanks so much for sharing that story Tiffany! 🙂
Ive loved discovering that i am an INFJ- lying is more than a pet peeve for me…….honesty is the foundation of all so if ive Just met you and I know you’re a liar I’m done with you and will have nothing to do with you unless I absolutely have to and then I’m very very superficial myself. discovering my personality this INJF – it has explain so much of my battles with the people who I love deeply who have lied to me. I have loved family members and people dearly and after a while if they keep lying I do you cut them off I’m done with them there’s only a few that have lied to me that I allowed to remain in it’s because my love is so deep for them I can’t bear the thought of losing them but if they lie too much- ill walk away. I can’t be fake and I love to help people and if someone is a liar how can you ever help anyone whenwhat you’re dealing with isn’t even real And to me to invest time in a liar is a complete waste of time
Good to hear that your INFJ discovery helped you so much Lannette! That’s indeed a priceless moment, thanks for sharing this! 🙂
Everybody lies. Every INFJ needs to learn to limit which battles to fight and which are not worth it. Ive had people very close to me lying, and i just let it go. It wasnt that important. Later when they confess, its priceless though. When i just say i know and smile. Its funny you mentioned spotting lies through messages. I caught my ex in her lie just by one word through message. I notice everything and analyze it. Like why one sentence ended with punctuation but most prior didnt during texting. Everything. Always seeing the changes. Exhausting.
As an INFJ-T I have always shut the door forever on the liars, but I’ve found that deep connection, at a level I can not articulate- so Dior slamming has been avoided… it will be interesting to see how this INFJ will handle a lie moving forward, and yep caught in one and he was completely astonished how I knew… those time little details, out of place things…great article