INFJs are incredibly intense. I mention this a lot, but it’s true. The term balance is unknown to us.
Our personality either loves without holding back, or Door Slams without remorse. There is no middle ground. This behavior causes certain issues for all INFJs.
I can’t stay calm, I’m an INFJ
It’s important to mention that being intense all the time causes INFJs to feel overwhelmed, anxious, and ultimately leads to burnout.
Even though we appear calm on the outside, what happens on the inside is an entirely different story. Imagine a small hamster constantly running on a wheel until it’s so tired it can’t move.
This intensity I speak of also makes us overthink and obsess. INFJs analyze almost everything, so we can spend days pondering why a person, object, or event is so important to us.
This intense behavior can have its drawbacks, quite a few of them. But I won’t talk about them. Instead, I will share a couple of positives it can bring, as I explain why INFJs are so intense.
We seek meaning in everything
The sheer intensity of the INFJ personality comes from our never-ending desire to find hidden depth in everything.
You need to understand, INFJs must have that bigger why, because it shows us that what we do makes a real difference.
Others might think that the intensity of an INFJ seeking meaning is over the top. But that’s nothing compared to the intense anguish of an INFJ who lives without purpose.
As I’ve mentioned before, INFJs suffer greatly when we don’t know our higher calling. We end up creating problems for ourselves because we have no outlet for our intense emotions and compassionate nature.
We love too fiercely
Whenever I used to meet someone new, whether it be a new friend or a potential romantic relationship, the connection started intensely from my end.
Either that person would withdraw due to my behavior, or they would be drawn to it even more.
Because INFJs know how it feels not to be rejected, we will never allow a friend or a partner to feel abandoned. It’s the core of who we are.
We will give you the love we know you earned, even if you see us just as an option. INFJs love with such intensity that only a few will be able to handle it.
The INFJ Door Slam is our way of self-care.
You may wonder why I put INFJ Door Slam as a positive aspect of why INFJs are so intense.
It’s because this single moment can bring us more peace and stillness than any other type of closure. By the time an INFJ reaches the Door Slam point, we already did all we could to save the connection. Our heart and mind will be at peace when it’s all over.
While you’re here…
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Over to you
Do you agree that INFJs are intense? What’s your experience with this? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below!
Xo,
Marko
I normally dont read these things, but after reading this post. I understand more about myself and know that “someone actually understands these things!?”. Always wanted to know why I would go from one extreme to another, there was no inbetween or middel ground. Especally when it came to love. An the whole door slam thing…. So true. I have found my new reading material that I connect with. Thank’s
I am honored and humbled you liked the article, James. 🙂 Glad you related with it, thank you so much!
Hi, I’ve been studying the infj people. I too struggle to forgive, I’m overly sensitive emotionally, I’m deeply introverted, and I extremely hate small talk.
I keep overanalyzing things and I keep on imagining s what could go wrong, eg what if I board a plane, and the plane crashes?
Also I love too deeply and most of my colleagues finde too quiet and boring.
Growing up. Especially as a teenager, I always felt quite frankly that there was something about me that was always off, I never felt that I fitted in anywhere. Sometimes if someone is in pain it’s like I feel there pain too. If I’m an a job or friendship or relationship that seems to be going nowhere, I just walk out of it or quit that friendship there and then.
I even quit accounting course simply because I hated accounting and I saw no future in it. I really love deep scientific research stuff, engineering as well. If I’m not wrong, I think I’m an infj.
You are, an INFJ.
Recommendation with being over-analyzing:
Flush your gut (laxative, enema..) and then start eating healthy and organic. This will help to lessen your anxiety.
After that, exercise consistently. This will build up your courage.
And then, appreciate everything in your life as it is. This should help to lessen your perfectionism.
Finally, accept the inevitable, like death for example. You might need to believe in superstitions to establish this acceptance. Superstitions such as karma, the afterlife (heaven), God (or Ala, or the universe. Take your pick), et cetera.
From experience, they work splendidly well.
This is very true. I am the INFJ that loves so strongly and I rarely slam the door in people’s faces even when the hurt me. I think that comes from INFJ’s love for people and desire to listen to people rather than to be heard. And the hamster running on the wheel is so true and it can be exhausting at times.
Thanks Makenzie. 🙂 I hear you, it can be exhausting sometimes…
Yeah. There’s a fight to hold fast. But then this moment takes place where the only option is to slam it closed. Its a complete shut down dusting of the hands and turn away. But that moment feels so good sometimes and those people are baffled by it. How do you act one moment like you want to be my chamber nurse and care for me every moment of the day and the next morning walk in as though you barely know me. I was told it was petty. But i think it’s healthy. Deciding to cut free when it’s time.
This article is the complete unabridged story of my life, in both friendships and my love life.
When it’s on its really on, but when it’s off it’s completely done.
No looking back, because I don’t give up easy. After the old college try is finished what’s the use.
They always say you never fought to get me back…no I fought for years to make it work. Now I am done…bye bye.
So glad you could relate with the article Carl, thanks for sharing! 🙂 Indeed, there is not middle for INFJs, I can fully understand that.
INTJ here. I can relate to a lot of what is said in this article, especially about loving all the way or not loving at all. I tend to give people a lot of leeway but if I feel hurt really badly by you I shut you out ruthlessly, and I don’t give as many chances as INFJs do. Anyway great article Marko.
Thanks so much Lupe! I’m glad you liked the article, and that you could relate. 🙂
Actually, the door slam scenario is very Rare and INFJ’s really do not waDd this nt to do this to anyone. I Only did this once but I feel Guilty After a while and after that if someone giving me a hard time I just take a break from that person, emotionally and physically. (physically means just not to face that person for a while, I know what you are thinking?)
But door slam is really a Bad for both sides.
I do not want to do that to anyone. because I don’t know but my mind, my soul feel guilt even if it is not my Fault.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this Sahil! 🙂 You are right, we don’t to do it, and will do what we can to avoid it, but it’s sometimes necessary as a means of self-care. And it’s never easy, far from it…
Sometimes i wish i were different. But i cant change this part of me. Mind over matter just doesnt work. Not being able to shut off the emotions and overall need for equality and justice makes being happy in this day in age so so so very hard.
I hear you, Lainie… It’s not easy having such strong emotions and empathy today… But trust me, it’s worth it. 🙂
The hardship of being an INFJ is that, until you know and fulfill your purpose in the world, you’ll never know your place in it and therefore life will suck.
Your sensitivity is not a problem, it’s actually a solution. A solution to what?…
The most sensitive organ in the human body is the brain. It also happens to be the weakest, strength wise. And yet, of all the organs in the body, the brain is the most powerful. Look at the world we’ve build with our brains.
To help you understand how being an INFJ and having the sensitivity that comes with it makes you the solution, take this into consideration:
Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King were both INFJ’s. Consider how they have become solutions to humanity.
I cannot tell you what your purpose is. That has been shaped by your past pain and suffering. But once you discovered it and live it, you will experience a different side of life that most can only dream of.
Sometimes I think that the more “chill” types of people, and more “keep it light, keep it shallow” types are really put off when they encounter an intense INFJ type. Conversely, I’m at a loss with how to communicate with and understand those types.
My aunt is a nice person; but she is incapable of depth. She’s an ESTP. I don’t mean this in a derogatory way; but as a sad observation.
I hear you, J.A… Not many will understand us, and that is even true for family members…
We love too fiercely
That`s exactly one of my weaknesses…. It was about a week ago when a took a biketour with my e-tricycle into one of our small forests, enjoying silence and the moor and I heard a cuckoo! Suddenly I saw a young woman in a ochre-coloured long coat, just walking . Passing her, I looked backwards in a lovely face. Wow! She said hello and I continued. It was a bit cold and I forgot my gloves, so I took a seat on a bench a 300m away. And there she came; I started a simple conversation, we shake hands- I`m Gerard, she was Sophie- and when she went on I said Sophie to meet her again some day…
At home I was dreaming from the very moment, wrote a lovely poem! Though I tried to see her in an afternoon, she did`nt yet come. Nor did the cuckoo….
I hope you see her again Gerrard… Please know that loving fiercely is not a weakness. 🙂 It’s a wonderful trait, one that many should embrace, too. Sure it can be overwhelming sometimes, but it’s a gift that INFJs should use daily to spread that kindness. 🙂
Great article. Certain relationships have almost certainly drained me in every aspect of my being, before I finally accepted the door slam as an option. I felt so guilty at first but also more free and lighter once it was over. Feeling alone and misunderstood creates such an intense inner struggle with self at times but articles like this certainly help the infj to feel a belonging to a group of rare and fantastic beings.
Wow. Great article. I’m starting to embrace what I am, including a lot of very meaningful, hurtful and permanent Slam Doors. So much in fact, it inspired me to translate this article and post it on a Spanish Facebook Page.
I’ve referred you there, of course. > https://bit.ly/2NJjCdL
Thanks for sharing these inspiring words!
From Argentina, salud.-
Hey, i really hope this gets trough, what about when you have to explain to a partner who is having issues with jelousy, how to explain the part when you have this friendship relationships (few of them, two of them, actually) really intense… That they think it is something else, like love, instead of thrue friendship.
To make sure that I don’t misunderstand, you have a partner who is jealous of you carrying deeply about a friend, mistaking the care for affection. Can’t say I’ve been there myself, but I can empathize.
Well, your partners jealousy speaks for their insecurities. Honestly speaking, and I’m not trying to be an ass, that’s not really for you to fix. I say this to release you from the obligation of feeling responsible for the jealousy they feel towards you. It’s not your fault. Never feel sorry for being who you are.
Feeling insecure has a lot to do with lacking self-confidence and not being able to establish emotional independence without another person. If this is the case with your partner, I think offering to help them build their self-confidence and independence is key.
Also, help them understand that you’re an INFJ, not a player.
The jealousy they feel is likely to turn into worry and suspicion on you. And trying to explain that you’re a caring person and intense person might come off as a justification for what they will insecurely suspect to be cheating.
I hope this helps.
Thank you for your perceptive articles. The infj life is indeed a paradox. I’m much older likely than those who have posted and from decades of being all you describe, self care is essential including de cluttering expectations and relationships with people whose core values are antithetical to my own even though I greatly value individuality and respect the right to others beliefs and opinions. With as much as we expect of ourselves and care for others, choosing how an infj spends emotional and intellectual collateral matters. Since everything “E” is considered ad infinitum and learning and growing and improving are as essential as air, realizing better relationship choices are “self care” has made a very big difference for me. The door slams sound harsh but honestly, the only slams I’ve done have likely gone un noticed because they only happen with folks who have demonstrated very little capacity for compassion many times over to the point my peace of heart and mind need a break. Any infj knows what I’m talking about! Just sharing thoughts and thanking you for the opportunity.
Your article is by far the closest description to my personality as an ‘INFJ’ that I read so far. To me, the categories of personalities is just a generalization of a person. With different background, upbringing, cultures, education, experiences, how can we be grouped under certain category?But your article gives me a lot of the why answers, which uncannily understand myself a little bit more. I always thought I was weird and out of place, most times… especially when loved ones asked you to change for the better, rather than acceptance.