If you’re an INFJ like me, then you’ve probably experienced the pain of being in an unhealthy relationship. We are like magnets for toxic and narcissistic people. But this isn’t your fault. Our personality type is like sweet nectar that attracts unstable and needy individuals.
INFJs want to be in a relationship, but…
INFJs are drawn to unhealthy relationships because we want to help everyone. Even if that help comes at the cost of our own peace of mind. When we see someone who is obviously bad for us, we’ll disregard that fact just because he or she needs our guidance.
This is when all hell breaks loose.
Selfish people know exactly how to use their charm to seduce an INFJ. They play the victim card, and we can’t help but be there to “fix” them. There’s a glimmer of hope in our mind that they will change for the better if we hold on for just a little longer. Usually, that period turns into months, years, and decades.
By the time INFJs realize what happened, we’re already emotionally scarred to the point where we don’t open up to anyone anymore. An INFJ wants to have a relationship, but also all the good things it brings. That’s why you need to pay attention to those early warning signs that you’re in an unhealthy bond with someone.
How to recognize an unhealthy relationship
As an INFJ, it’s crucial that you monitor the first sign of toxicity in a relationship. Luckily, we notice everything, so you have an advantage from the start. The two surefire indicators you’re in trouble are:
• Your needs are disregarded. Those who only look to fulfill their own urges will never acknowledge your humble and bare-minimum need for understanding. We’re happy with crumbs and leftovers from the table, when we shouldn’t accept anything less than we deserve.
• “We” turns to “I”. INFJs never put ourselves first in a relationship. This is when we lose our identity, because INFJs would rather sit in the back than face potential abandonment. Narcissists use this against us, and make INFJs believe we’re not important and worthwhile.
I said this before, but it needs to be repeated. It’s not your fault. Not many will understand the sacrifices you’re ready to make in order to be in a relationship. It’s vital that you apply a simple, but effective rule I’m about to share in order to have a healthy and loving connection with the one you cherish.
I’d rather be temporarily single, than suffer in a relationship
Being in a relationship, especially when you’re an INFJ, doesn’t guarantee you happiness. I know so many people that have partners, but are deeply unhappy and broken. Being alone sounds scary to most, but it’s here where you’ll plant the seed for a future, successful romance.
Work on your career, read as much as you can, enjoy nature, learn to meditate. Or just focus on those who are gently persistent in having you in their life. No matter what, don’t chase an unhealthy relationship so that you can change the status on your Facebook profile.
Instead, like a true INFJ, patiently work on your dreams and leave space for that special someone to enter. It’s easy to give up on meeting the right one. But it takes courage to open your heart for a new beginning with the one who’ll love you just the way you are. <3
If you need more help having a healthy relationship as an INFJ, we’ve got a gift for you …
The INFJ Relationship Guide
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What about you?
Why do you think INFJs chase unhealthy relationships? Have you been in one? Feel free to share your thoughts on this in the comments section below, I would love to hear from you!
Love,
Marko
Disclaimer: It is not ok to be emotionally, physically or spiritually abused or to abuse in such areas.
Preface: If we don’t see our “choices” then we suffer more no matter what kind of relationship we are in.
Knowing there are truly toxic people in the world, does that mean that if we find ourselves in relationship with such people then does that make THEM evil people? Or are they just run of the mill “Toxic?”
Toxic: Poison. Are we poisoned, or are they poisoning us? Does their poison make us poisonous, too? Is there a cure?
Is “Love” just a feeling that comes and stays (and that makes the relationship a good one) or is love a process of healing what is poison to us (because they have poison in them which brings out our own poison)? Is “Love” bigger than the feeling…a process lived out in time of good and bad, support and hardship…providing “Potential” for better during success and breakthroughs while, also, coming into irreconcilable differences and hardship…and personal suffering? May love also allow for moments of redemptions after days, weeks, months and years of struggle? Is it ok to suffer for love, and mutual benefit at the cost of prices paid in areas we feel lacking?
Is this normal human stuff for all personality types interacting with other types…and this is how we evolve, grow stamina for deeper degrees of compassion?
Choice: When we find it, we suffer less.
Being human includes a great deal of dysfunction (Toxicity) of which INFJs are hardly excused. We do need all kinds of relationships to work out our ( and their) stuff, and often we all play victim and become victims until we totally get sick of being on either side of the “Victim fence” and…wake up…find our choice. That’s a human process.
Sometimes we find our toxic relationships helped us become stronger…and it was mutual…and it was the source of healing. And sometimes NOT (seek help, and if possible…seek it together).
And we need sites like this to help us find the tools to discover what is individual helpful…and not helpful. Sometimes we need help to discern what is right and wrong. This will be different for everyone.
I spent 11 years in a “Toxic” relationship, and 7 of those were spent in couple’s therapy. While I learned about my partners weaknesses and worked through my victimhood about it, I discovered that…He was ALSO a victim to my stuff. It was synergistic…and human. Had we both not gotten help, it would have ended much much worse, but it did end. We are still like…Brothers. I love him. He loves me BECAUSE we worked through the bad “Toxic” stuff.
Therapy was all about discovering our choices…making them conscious. There were times of great hate between us. And there were times of tremendous joy. Both came and went! Having help to broker our relationship…that was part of the “Love” process, too.
Human life…has both good and bad. It’s important to discern what’s real…and then make a choice.
Context: Some people “Become” toxic banshies because their partner won’t put out the garbage even though the “Victim” to such toxic behavior is a stay at home dependent without much care in the world…being too sensitive to deal with what’s out there. Which one is toxic? BTW…the stay at home is the INFJ (LOL) I’ve seen stuff like this.
Thanks so much for sharing your view, thoughts, and experience on this, Ray! 🙂
Upravo sam zbog veze sa zenom koja ima komorbiditet izmedju narcisoidnog i antisocijalnog poremecaja licnosti dosao do nenormalne kolicine informacija o ljudima i kako funkcionisu, na kraju ovog dugog puta ucenja psihologije (poremecaji licnosti iz grupe B poremecaja, traume, PTSD, toksicni roditelji, stid, traumatske veze, osetljivost, emocije itd.) i proucacanja sebe, otkrio sam da sam INFJ, nekoliko puta sam radio test i uvek dobio INFJ-T to u potpunosti objasnjava moje razmisljanje i osecanja (koja retko kad verbalizujem drugima). Ponekad sam imao osecaj da zbog brzih promena emocija imam mozda bipolarni poremecaj, na kraju sam dosao do knjige Ranjivost-Elejn Aron i naravno testova licnosti… U svakom slucaju mi INFJ smo magnet za sve koji imaju poremecaj iz grupe B poremecaja licnosti, mi smo druga strana novcica… Drago mi je da ima jos ljudi koji su iz Srbije i otkrili su da su INFJ, da li postoji neko udruzenje ili okupljanje u Beogradu ?
Veliki pozdrav! Drago mi je da se neko iz Srbije interesuje za tipove licnosti, a pogotovo kada cujem otkrice da je neko INFJ. ? Koliko ja znam, u Beogradu, ne, bojim se da je slicna situacija u celoj Srbiji. Drago mi je sto ste ostavili svoj komentar i sto imam cast da pisem na srpskom jeziku o necemu sto je moj zivotni poziv i sto volim da radim vise od svega. ? Hvala Vam sto ste podelili svoje misljenje i zao mi je sto ste prosli kroz to sta ste prosli… Verujem da nije bilo nimalo lako…
Hvala Marko, i meni je bas drago sto znam da ima jos ljudi koji su slicni ili isti tipovi licnosti, pogotovu kada neko iz Srbije istupi i kaze to otvoreno. Kao sto i sam znas, u nasoj kulturi su mnoge od nasih osobina devaluirane i smatraju se znacima slabosti, ali nas mentalni sklop je toliko komplikovan da stvari koje drugim ljudima izgledaju neverovatno komplikovano ili izludjujuce nerazumljivo mi sa lakocom desifrujemo i vrlo smo pronicljivi sa ili bez strucnog znanja iz psihologije. Ovo mi deluje kao odbrambeni mehanizam i cesto uhvatim sebe kao da sam hipervigilan- u stvari nama je to prirodno. Nasa slabost je sto smo podlozni akumulaciji osecanja i misli, kao i vrlo velika osetljivost na dogadjaje koja cesto vodi izazivanju PTSD-a. Bitna stvar je nasa mogucnost da mnogo brzo sklopimo celu sliku, povezemo postojece ili novo znanje i brzo procesuiramo i razumemo nemile dogadjaje i okolnosti (brzo=brze od drugih tipova licnosti). Jedna od karakteristika koja je i dar a i prokletstvo jeste nasa opsesija da sve razumemo do srzi, da nikad ne ostavimo otvoreni krug ukoliko imamo manjak ili smatramo da nemamo dovoljno informacija da nesto objasnimo samima sebi i drugima. Zato smo i skloni prucavanju svega sto nam nije jasno. Nikada nepricam o stvarima koje neznam, uvek izbacujem i zatvaram komunikaciju sa toxicnim ljudima, jednostavno ako osetim da me neko iskoriscava ta osoba je zavrsena prica za mene. Dugo trpim ali kad jednom presecem KRAJ! Ovako sam izgubio dosta prijateljstava i ljudi koji me okruzuju, ali nista ne-moze da plati taj mir. Dosta stvari kod nas moze da se fino kalibrise, recimo sklonost ka people pleasing-u ili povrsna stidljivost i socijalna anxioznost… u principu nekad deluje kao da nosimo masku i da imamo vise licnosti koje koristimo po potrebi-modelovanje, kao da nemamo identitet ali ipak je korisno u nekim okolnostima. Mi mozemo da manipulisemo kao narcisi i psihopate ali imamo savest koja je nasa kocnica, zato dobro pazimo da nikad nikoga ne uvredimo i izbegavamo konflikte po svaku cenu. Sad mi je zao sto nisam odabrao zanimanje psihologa/socijalnog radnika i slicno, inace odavno sam i magnet za sve kojima treba pomoc i podrska. Takodje imam sjajne javne nastupe, predavanja i vezbe na poslu kojim se bavim na zalost. I koji ocigledno nije primeren ovom tipu licnosti.
Your article discusses: “How to recognize an unhealthy relationship.”
“As an INFJ, it’s crucial that you monitor the first sign of toxicity in a relationship. Luckily, we notice everything, so you have an advantage from the start. The two surefire indicators you’re in trouble are:
• Your needs are disregarded”
In my personal experience they seem to focus ALL on us…at first. For me it felt so good to have all that attention. Again, AT FIRST. Once I was hooked, it soon became all about his needs.
Your article is wonderful! Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
I must say, I love being older and a bit more wiser… ?
“more wiser” ??? Sorry!
Just “wiser.” ?
Thanks for your kind words, Tina! So glad you liked the article, and thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. 🙂
I don’t recognize this at all. Maybe it’s the self insight and self preservation part of me being a HSP, or maybe it’s my personal experience with mental sickness, but I have a very good sense of people and the second I feel the slightest thing is off, then I’m out. Sometimes I don’t even go there.
I don’t have a need to ‘fix’ a partner. I’ve had enough work in fixing myself and helping people in my work, I don’t need a partner who’s ‘another case’. I need a partner whom I’m able to count on when I need support.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying my partner has to be perfect, I know that we all have ours to deal with, but I want a partner I can support, just like he can support me.
I don’t need to be saved and I don’t want a partner to save either.
It becomes incredibly uneven and unhealthy that way and that’s really the last thing I need or want.
So, I’m very picky about my partner.
I’ve dealt with most of my shit and I want him to have done the same, so we’re able to concentrate on making ‘us’ work and raise/take care of our family and create a good and safe environment for our children 🙂 There’s supposedly enough work in that itself.
Thanks so much for sharing your point of view on this, Esther! 🙂
Being an INFJ is all I really know. On one hand, it’s super unnerving sometimes to have such unique insights into the human condition (first person perspective with constant and acute awareness of others’ responses). We dig deep. It’s a lot of work even when laid out in paralysis…perseverating about the “Whys” while processing every feeling streaming in.
There’s a lot there! We are a determined bunch, but so much of it is under the surface; sight unseen but still very real and visceral.
Is it normal for INFJs to see self in everyone else? What is toxic to me of my partner …is it normal for us INFJs to be able to plainly see that what’s in him (that’s toxic) is also in me? For me, it’s always been RIGHT THERE…in my face. And what drives me crazy about him, it’s in me, too.
Empathy. We are incredibly empathic. I would sometimes LOVE to not be so empathic, but I’ll tell you…this empathy keeps me out of hypocrisy’s clutches. It keeps me honest…and it allows me to brave where angles fear to tread.
Got toxic? Oh…I have it, too! It’s called “Being Different.” One thing I LOVE about being an INFJ is my ability to find the story behind the toxic…put a face to it…a name…a history…a story.
Being an empath allows me to humanize “Toxic.” And, too…I always have a choice. I can make a choice to grapple with it…or hide (I love hiding) I love my alone time, and this is toxic to people that need more, and sometimes…I find someone that needs more, but accepts less in this area because I have things to give that aren’t “Time and Space” oriented. This makes me toxic…in the presence of another that has compassion for ME. And empathy…really lets me see the effort of another who ALSO doesn’t give me things I need; and see his other gifts…and find their value. In all, I find a greater meaning. This is also part of “Love beyond the feeling.”
As much as I’ve said, even this is simplistic. Being human is so…complex and dynamic. My biggest challenge was always to be open (less perfectionistic)…and try to love anyway…to be venerable…endure guilt and shame for being so different…
…come out the other side whole. I could never have done that without hard and difficult relationships…and almost all of them were hard and difficult (either them to me or me to them…or both).
We’ll get there. Keep the INFJ faith…and let that courage come forward and be tried. BUT DON’T BE ABUSED (or abuse…or hate…). Love is bigger than the feeling. Love is in the size of life we allow ourselves to live…in sickness and in health; of self alone and/or in relationship.
Got toxic? Oh…I have it, too! It’s called “Being Different.” One thing I LOVE about being an INFJ is my ability to find the story behind the toxic…put a face to it…a name…a history…a story.
Being an empath allows me to humanize “Toxic.”
THAT!!!!! THAT is what gets me every. damned. time. Thank you so much for putting into words what I’ve never been able to really *get about why I cut these a$$holes so much slack. I understand them too well. I see the dysfunction brought on by early circumstances and feel compassion based on that “me too!” feeling ~ empathy! *major light bulb moment* Many, many thanks.
I have never commented on an article before, but I resonated so much with this that it brought me to tears, I am an INFJ and this insight is absolutely invaluable….thank you
You are most welcome Jessica. 🙂 So glad to hear the article resonated with you, and that you shared your thoughts. 🙂
I am an Infj. I was in a relationship for about three years with a toxic person.(I even suspect him to be a psychopath) My relationship with this person started with him telling a big lie to me.(he told me he has a girlfriend, but later I found out he has been saying that to make me jealous and so I would fall for him, and there was no such a girlfriend to begin with.)I haven’t met anyone whose that manipulative in my life so I thought he was having sincere thoughts about me.I slowly and surely started understanding how he was psychologically pressuring me to do everything he wanted.Even after knowing how toxic he is, I couldn’t get over the fact that I should be there for him and I will be able to help him overcome his bad behaviours cause I always have a morale responsibility to do so. The more I thought of loving and caring for him the more he has been manipulating me.I thought that me being in sorrow was completely alright because I deserve it.After three years I started to realise that no matter how much I sacrificed for him he made me look like I didn’t.I was always the person who was cold hearted.I was always the person who didn’t know how to love.I was always the self centered person in whatever I did.I started doubting my own self. I thought to myself,”am I really a cold hearted person?maybe I truly am.” I started wanting to be alone after this. I felt like I was so lost that I need to find myself again.So I deliberately stayed away from him. One day, he told me that I am evil and that I am not human and that he hates me.I was shocked cause I didn’t know what I did wrong.I was hurt because of all the harsh words so I told him that I cannot do this anymore and I want to break up.After a week’s time of the breakup, I found out from a girl that he has been cheating on me with so many girls.That he has manipulated all of them and has threatened them not to tell anything about them to me. After hearing this I was devastated. I felt like everything I have ever known was a lie and it was fake.Everything I sincerely thought to be real was fake… He has played with my sincere heart.Later I wanted to know whether all of this cheating was true so I talked to him and asked what this was about and whether he really did cheat on me.He shamelessly agreed he did so and told me to be understanding. I was so furious that I asked him,”are you telling me to be understanding after everything you have done?You will be punished by the universe itself for what you did to me.” That was my final words for him and I never talked to him back.What’s funny is that he never really apologized for what he did and acted as if what he did was right.I still have alot of trust issues and I think I won’t ever be able to have a normal relationship with another person in my life.I just sincerely hope that no one should ever go through the same thing as I did.It is worst than a nightmare.It truly scarred me for my whole life.
I’m really sorry Rumalie you have to go through all of this… I can’t imagine how you felt when you heard those words from him, and upon knowing what your partner did. I’m truly sorry.
Thank you so much for the kind words. I truly have to say thank you, because many people will be aware of what really happens to many infjs and mostly empathetic people in particular. I never comment on articles but I really related with yours.Thank you.
You are most welcome, Rumalie. 🙂
Thank you SO much for this! It is unfortunate, but it makes me feel more normal, to learn why I end up in these relationships and that this is normal (for my personality type).
You are most welcome, Caitlen! 🙂 Know that there is nothing wrong with you, there never was.
I have always wondered but since completing the myers Briggs assessment several times and always coming out as INFJ I have looked into it and you are exactly right. I went from a narcissistic husband to a man who knew how to play the victim. I have wasted 23 years of my life on these 2 men. I am better off single until I find a man who is whole.
Reading this post, explained so many things to me! I realized that my two unhappy and destructive marriages were only part of my brokenness today. My almost nonexistent relationships with my parents and siblings, and the fact that I have only 2 friends, are all pieces of the same reality: I am too different to be socially acceptable! Thank you for the little light in my dark world.
You are so welcome, Andelene! There is nothing wrong with you, there never was, please remember that.
Oh Andelene, your story I so resonated.
I spent more than half my life trying to make two husbands love me when they were obviously not in love with me. One husband was emotionally deficient and cold and the other a complete narcissist… as a result I had mental and physical breakdowns and ended up bankrupt after the narcissist persuaded me to co sign his debts and then ran off with someone else. Only after I discovered I was an INFJ did the world make any sense to me.. I am in this world but I’m not of this world!
Hi Marco! Reading this I understood something, it was not my fault, but I want to tell you something, one year ago, I was wondering what was wrong with me, and I thought, if I ask this question to my “headache” I would find the answer. He said to me that I finished at all, because I was compliant and submissive; it was a toxic relationship, I know it now, but how someone can confuse dedication with submission?
Thanks for sharing this, Belén! The answer to your question is because narcissists and people who want to have complete control don’t differentiate dedication from submission, they don’t see the dedicated part. Dedication is connected with love (which we INFJs give), while submission is more closely related to codependency and an unhealthy relationship.
Wow…these articles always shock me on how accurate they are. Why do someone knows my inner thoughts and have the same experiences I have rendered? These are my hang ups and issues, but they are written right here in this article with in depth ways to deal with them. Thanks for sharing!
I’m so humbled to hear you appreciate what is being written here, Jennifer! You are not alone, and you are so welcome! 🙂
How do we join the mailing list? I don’t see a way on here.
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