Love between two introverts can provide a refreshing oasis in an increasingly loud world. It is a love formed on mutual acceptance with little need for compromise; a partnership with fewer words, but greater understanding; a safe place where both people have enough space to blossom.
What this post isn’t about
Sure, there are some introvert/introvert relationships that are inherently flawed. Often, both partners stay in their own corner, unable to be vulnerable and truly connect.
I don’t want to talk about those kinds of relationships right now.
I will also acknowledge that introverts and extroverts can have beautiful, harmonious relationships. They can embrace their differences and fulfill each other’s needs. But I’m not going to talk about that either.
Introvert/introvert love at its best
I want to speak, quite transparently, about the ideal introvert love match. I would like to celebrate the bliss of feeling like someone really ‘gets’ you. I will try to describe the joy of NOT being an outsider in your own world and NOT having to constantly compromise.
I would like to share my very biased thoughts on introvert/introvert love at its best. But first, lets explore the opposite kind of relationship.
The relationship that robs your soul
Have you ever felt like an alien amidst your partner’s friends? Have you been pushed to the outskirts of your own world and left to feel like an outsider looking in? Have the differences between you and your extroverted lover left you guilt-ridden and hollow?
Have you been ensnared in a never-ending cycle of fruitless “compromise”?
You are not alone.
This kind of introvert/extrovert relationship has robbed many a gentle soul. Its victims are left with mangled hearts and an avalanche of regret (I just realized it sounds like I’m about to launch into a product pitch – never be alone again, buy The Introvert’s Guide to Lasting Love – don’t worry, I’m not selling anything).
There is a benefit to such a relationship. If you escape, you will likely be hurtled full-force into the arms of someone more like you. You will find solace with a partner who sits right next to you on the introvert/extrovert spectrum.
A personal story
Long, long ago (okay not that long ago), in a land far away, where dingoes and fire-breathing iguanas ruled the earth, two introverts met. They gazed from afar, until one day, they began having awkward exchanges with drawn-out pauses.
Somehow, they each found a remnant of themselves in the other. They soon embarked on a beautiful introvert/introvert romance. It was an affair marked by deep conversations, simple pleasures and exhilarating little monster moments. It wasn’t too fast, or too slow, or too loud, or too quiet; it was just right.
I would like to share more details about this experience, but for that, we would have to get pretty cozy (a glass of wine or five wouldn’t hurt either).
What I wanted to illustrate, is that being with someone who sees the world through the same lens as you can be liberating. It can open up your quiet world. Instead of draining you, it can give you the energy needed to slay life’s fire-breathing iguanas.
If you can survive a few (or several) awkward exchanges with drawn-out pauses, you could be well on your way to your own ‘just right’ love affair.
This article really speaks to me! There is nothing better than being with another introvert who “gets” you.
My husband and I have been married 34 years and we are both introverts. By the extrovert expectations of the world and family we are reclusive but it works so well for us. His sister (the extrovert) tells him our lifestyle isn’t healthy when we turn down invitations to large, noisy family gatherings but we stand our ground as nicely as we can. And lucky me, I recently went to work in a small store where most the other employees are introverts. I don’t feel pressured now to try to fit in with them the way I used to, to try to be accepted, I just relate to them as I would want to be and we get along great.
That’s great, Margie. Thanks for sharing your personal happily ever after with another introvert. 🙂
I am ,really happy to hear it , introvert have a world beyond materialistic life ! what you say?
Thanks for the confirmation! My husband and I have been married for 2 years now and are both introverts. We decline gatherings every once & a while too! lol! My sister doesn’t get us! But who cares?
I can relate to all of this…. Thank you so much!
I agree! I couldn’t ever imagine ever being with an extrovert again. They just don’t understand. They are always telling you to be more outgoing, social and socialise and tell you to stop being so isolated and depressed! Always jumping from place to place or girl to girl! I could only survive with an introvert who sees me and doesn’t mind just being quiet and alone and doesn’t need all that popularity! Still waiting fr that quiet gentle man!
What part of the country are you Crystal? You seem perfect to me.
Hmmmm… Ken. Crystal You’ve got millions of gentle men out there for you. we are many
Believe me Crystal, you will find him. Try online dating. You probably never thought about it, but since an introvert doesn’t like big crowds and gatherings, you’ll likely to find him online (away from the crowd & behind a computer). Best wishes!
Thanks for the lovely article.
I had to break up with my extroverted boyfriend about two weeks ago because the relationship was so draining. He couldn’t understand that his own habits and problems (always late, messy, complicated family, depression and anger management issues) were affecting me, thus our relationship and that I don’t enjoy talking to people all night whenever we were invited to parties.
I am definitely looking forward to date someone who is more like me 🙂
You’re welcome. That’s too bad about your ex. I hope you find someone who makes you feel energized rather than stressed and drained. 🙂
Harmony which part of continent are you from? Am an introvert like it seems we share the same thought
I am an introvert and recently met another introvert online. I didn’t know he was at first… So we went on our first date last week and only 4 days later went in another date. Both went great! He even kissed me at the end of our second date. But this hasn’t stopped me from worrying now, its been two days and he hasn’t made any contact with me. I texted him twice, once to thank him for our lovely second date. Then this morning just to say hi. Nothing long , kept it really short, a few lines to say hello and wish him a good day. I should be able to understand since I too am an introvert… I told myself I wouldn’t initiate anything anymore, I don’t want to come as pushy and honestly, I think he needs to show me he’s interested too… I didn’t know how hard it was to read an introvert untill now. ..
Experiencing similar. Don’t want to come across as pushy or clingy. It took nine months for a kiss and another month after that to get a little intimate.
This article has been so helpful!
I’m an introvert, and very much attracted to extroverts, they have what I desire I suppose, but never work out. The last girl I dated for a year, we talk about my need for self reflection, down time, and socializing limitations. I sent her references, she said she understood, but I don’t think she did. I had to continually explain why I left the neighbors party early, or why we had to leave early when she was enjoying herself. Then it finally come out, she wanted someone to be social with her, not leave early or limited social. I force myself to be more social and it only caused me to become depressed and eventually I was a mess and we split.
My 2nd marriage (10 years together, 2 married, divorced since 2008) was wonderful, she was not as introverted as I am but slightly more social. It wasn’t “flawed” but did lack intimacy. Back then I didn’t know all this introvert / extrovert stuff, I was pretty stupid when it come to partner comparability. I’ve since learned a lot and having dated and learned what I am comparable with and who I am not, I didn’t date much when I was younger. I’ve always loved this woman and she me, I think I may have compared others to her in my head. Recently we’ve been talking more and we’re actually going on a date this weekend. I know we’ve got to step up our game with intimacy but we get each other and know each others limitations with socializing.
I finally understand myself a little more after reading this. I’m 25 and never knew the definition of an introvert and had never even heard the word reticent before! If I had, I probably wouldn’t have spent 5 miserable years with the same draining extrovert. At least I got a beautiful daughter out of it. She’s a blessing. Now I can continue to learn more about myself and maybe find another introvert to be with!
Well thanks for a great write…for years I always thought of myself as an extrovert….but the more I realize the true meaning of an introvert…ergo I spent the last 3 year’s hiking the Jungles awesome waterfalls beaches here on Maui on my own and as healed I realized my natural instinct is to be on my own with my thoughts …growing up I was the noisy kid in the room craving attention…now I crave my own company…so glad I have woken up…but it all came at the cost of facing my fears and daring to go deep and be honest with myself….while being noisy I learned to speak in public without fear and because I lived in 14 towns growing up I learned the skills of being on the outside and breaking in…interesting enough I hate to answer the phone or run to the door…or go to crowded places…even when I traveled I did so alone…especially long distant motorcycle rides across states…and most of all what really I enjoy most are deep meaningful conversations…the more I write this and read about introverts I’m waking up to the fact I was a square unhealthy peg trying to fit into a round hope!
Aloha from Maui
Irish Mick ?
OMG! If you don’t sound like me idk who does! Growing up in a big family and at a big church I was always shamed for being quiet. I finally decided to become a class clown, the family talker, etc! Though it taught me how to speak up and polish my communication skill I am just now learning, I’m actually an introvert. I use to look for that “fit” with alll kinds of different ppl and have finally realized it lies within myself! More than thankful for such knowledge available today. So thankful for your post as well!!
Glad to know there is a chance of a happy working relationship for me too.
Now I only need to figure out how to find someone who fits the bill.
I’ve already been with two extroverted girls who loved going out, traveling, partying with friends. They both cheated me for guys who are as loud as they are. This led me to believe that introverts are only meant for introverts. I’ve been alone ever since.
Yeah you’re right man.
It’s ok, I’ve been used a few times too.
I belong to both sides of the spectrum because I am an introvert at heart; but because of my upbringing and social isolation, I thirst for communication. I’m considered an outgoing introvert. I’m dating an introverted girlfriend and am hoping of mentioning a long term relationship with her. Do you have and article or advice about this?
Omg, I just realized my ex bf was introvert, we broke up after dating 5 months was so sad meanwhile I am very in to him and he told me that we are not match and broke up with me was so terrified, I really like him he is so calm and affectionate meanswhile i like to talk, i am outgoing person. I complained many times he is quite I felt that he didn’t interest with me at all but it just because he is introvert. in the end he don’t feel comfortable anymore then broke up. I am so down I want him back now I understand him after reading some article about introvert, any advise?:(