Have you ever felt so shy around men you liked that you avoided them altogether? Maybe you felt so awkward and self-conscious that talking to a particular man felt painful.
It hurt like crazy because your interactions with this special guy went so differently than how you imagined.
After all, as an introverted woman, you tend to think a lot. You fantasize about conversations with the man you like. You imagine yourself opening up to him, as he looks at you with love and acceptance. But there’s a problem.
Reality doesn’t match up to your fantasies. No matter how hard you try, you still feel shy around men, especially the ones you really like. I know how frustrating this can be.
I used to be extremely shy around men. I would spend YEARS pining after one particular man. Meanwhile I could count on one hand the number of times I actually talked to said man. I would fantasize and long, but speaking to him was a whole different story.
I felt painfully awkward, overthinking everything from my body language, to my appearance, to the few words I did say. Looking back, I did all the wrong things. Maybe you’ve made these innocent mistakes when talking to men, too. After all, many introverted women who are shy around men fall prey to these sneaky traps.
What is NOT working:
Voting for the other woman
As a quiet woman who feels shy around men, you likely do what I did for many years. When you like a man, you automatically assume he would be better off with another woman.
You think he deserves someone who is more outgoing, charming, and sweet. Or more talented, beautiful, and accomplished. In your mind, you vote for the other team before even taking a swing. The secret to connecting to a man’s heart is to always vote for you.
Trying to impress him
Have you ever tried to impress a man with your amazing cooking skills, credentials, life experiences, or intelligence? I sure have.
This is kind of embarrassing to admit, but when I was a teenager, painfully shy around men, and devoutly religious, my primary flirtation tool was baking. I thought I could win over my crush’s affection by baking him cookies.
As you’ve probably guessed, this did not work. Trying to get a man to like you by impressing him creates a vibe of reaching and striving, which pushes men away.
Manipulation and games
One thing that really breaks my heart is the amount of bad dating advice introverted women receive. There are so many dating coaches out there who only focus on tactics, games, and manipulation.
This approach might appear to work in the short term, but it does NOT lead to the kind of true connection and intimacy introverted women need.
For quiet women, it’s important to work from the inside out to change your vibe, open up naturally, and reveal your sensual side, WITHOUT being fake or playing games.
You’re so close, darling
If you’ve found yourself falling into any or all of the above mistakes, don’t feel bad. We’ve all done it. The good news is that it’s very easy to turn things around.
And you won’t need to lose twenty pounds, or get another degree, or go through years of therapy to fix yourself. You won’t even need to “put yourself out there” a lot. Because, guess what.
True attraction is about revealing, rather than putting on a show. It’s about changing your mindset and knowing how to flick the attraction switch so you glow for every man.
I know that this might all sound overwhelming. But having gone from shy and awkward around men I liked, to getting my “PhD in dating”, and feeling like I could be comfortable, sensual, and open on a date with any man—I know what works for quiet, introverted women.
Best of all, with these small shifts, you will see a difference in the way men react to you immediately. It really will feel like you’ve flicked the attraction switch, and suddenly men are striving to impress YOU.
Here are 3 quiet ways to connect with his heart, even if you’re shy around men:
1. Reconnect with your own heart.
When was the last time you checked in with your own heart and emotions? Do you know what your heart wants? Do you listen to it when it is hurting? Or do you drown out its messages with distractions, food, or constant striving for perfection? Here’s the thing:
A man cannot connect with your heart if you are in a constant state of disconnection.
Take a moment now to listen to your heart. Place your hand over your chest and ask your heart what it wants to tell you. You might be surprised at what you discover.
2. Turn yourself on.
There is so much advice out there on how to turn a man on. But the true secret to driving a man wild has to do with how YOU feel. Studies have shown that men get aroused when they know that a woman is turned on. This applies outside the bedroom, too.
Even if you’re shy around men, you can always turn yourself on by doing activities that inspire you and make you feel alive. Wear clothes and underwear that express who you are and make you feel sexy. Do nice things for yourself, and take care of your body and mind.
3. Receive + appreciate.
Feeling shy around men doesn’t have to be a huge barrier. You don’t have to be witty, or even very talkative to truly connect with a man. The secret to cutting through all the small talk and awkwardness on dates is to focus on receiving and appreciating.
This means accepting what a man offers in word or deed with genuine appreciation. When he gives you a compliment, really receive it and allow it to light you up with happiness.
Say a simple “thank you” without feeling the need to compliment him back, or downplay his words by insulting yourself. If he pays for dinner, avoid the urge to get awkward about it and offer to pay half. Instead, say, “thank you for dinner, I really enjoyed that. What a treat!”
You might also receive his flirtations by looking him in the eye and smiling, instead of putting up a wall. Or show your appreciation by complimenting his choice of venue: “I love the atmosphere here, I’m so happy you chose this place!”
Feel more open and sensual on dates
I know that first dates can be insanely daunting for quiet women like us. That’s why I put together my First Date Checklist For Introverted Women. You’ll discover how to be more open, sensual, and authentic on dates, even if you normally feel awkward and tongue-tied around men you like.
Download the First Date Checklist Now—It’s Free
You’ll also receive exclusive dating content I never share on the blog.
What about you?
Can you relate to what I shared? What are your biggest struggles when it comes to dating? Feel free to share your questions and experiences in the comments below.
And be sure to share this article with an introverted woman who is looking for love. 🙂
Lots of love,
Hi Michaela, I particularly identify with “Voting for the Other Woman”, and can’t seem to prevent the awkward clutzy clumsy inept persona that comes over me when I am the focus of my crush’s attention. I can approach normal if he is not focusing on me, but when he looks long & intently at me then the self-consciousness triggers the shyness response. I know I need to stop & breathe, relax, look at him and do #3, Receive & Appreciate, but it’s like I’ve been psychologically hijacked by the Babbling Clutz, and I’m bouncing around alone in an anxiety bubble. Something that doesn’t seem to be mentioned much is that along with the shyness & awkwardness, rather than quietness, I get loquacious, babbling on and on without it even making much sense half the time. How embarrassing! I know what I need to do, but once I have been hijacked, I need to have a time-out to pop the bubble and get myself back to myself again. Thanks for your Guides :).
Thanks for sharing that, Jo. I’m sure there are lots of other innie women who can identify with babbling when nervous around a man. I hope the checklist helps you to feel more comfortable. It takes some practice and lots of patience with yourself. 😉
“…hijacked by the Babbling Clutz.” I know her well. She always seems to appear when I feel like I can’t get a word in over the more extroverted women, and then I still don’t feel as if he’s heard me, so I amp it up even more :-/. Love that I’m not alone in this.
Hi Michaela, I still like and appreciate that you are doing things like this for introverted women. 🙂
As an introvert myself I happen to like quiet women, and talking with our eyes is something I find sensual in a woman.
I’m not much for small talk as an introvert, yet sarcasm and flirty banter can be fun.
I’m understanding about human nature, I have my deal breakers yet having a bad day isn’t one of them.
Practice I feel statements with me, I can intuit most emotions in people yet it doesn’t tell me exactly what’s going on in your mind, If you feeling a certain kind of way, tell me we’ll get to the bottom of it so you can vent that and feel better.
Don’t be a time waster or act incompetent or use willful ignorance just to “Poke the bear” sort of speak. I’m already an intense person and poking my intensity will move me away from you not closer.
Putting up walls loses opportunity for connection, yes you’re scared so say so, I’ll likely help give you the reassurance that that’s OK to feel that way and you’re safe.
To me your heart matters and protecting that is important to me, you’ve likely been hurt in the past and I understand. I’m very reality based and if I say something that stings, it’s not me being a dick, that’s actually me noticing you, paying attention and looking deeply into your soul. Would you rather a guy ignore you or be superficial? I’m not afraid to go deep nor be vulnerable, if something bothers me I usually bring it up.
I agree with points 1 through 3 above.
I would like to add what’s attractive to me as a man in relation to what you mentioned above Michaela and out of respect for women.
Mystery is attractive, I love an honest woman and direct communication however on topics that are personal and intimate in nature save that for later after we’ve been talking for awhile, too much too soon is a vibe killer.
It’s cool to be open but don’t be too open or bring up something from the past that’s not relevant today. I’m not big on judging people for past mistakes unless it shows a pattern of high risk behavior, for me to commit to a woman she needs to have my best interests at heart.
For example, don’t bring up that HIV scare you had a few years ago, if you are not carrying a disease that puts me at risk, please don’t bring it up, it’s irrelevant. However I hope you learned to be safer and more discerning with your body, because if you’re not respectful of it as much as I’m respectful of myself and of you, were not going to get along and there won’t be a second date.
When it comes to clothing choices, do wear what makes you feel sexy, I’ll encourage it if you don’t. I would however ask that you leave something to the imagination, that’s attractive to me because in order for me to feel attracted toward you, I want to engage my imagination and wonder about you, more coverage is attractive, areas that are sensual usually are the neck, shoulders, and legs, lower back, and waist and it’s OK to expose those areas, however if you have tons of cleavage showing or other private parts exposed, save it for later, let me wonder about all that, I want to discover a woman, first with her personality and later her body.
Like Michaela says, be authentic and genuine, this gives you your best chance with me. I’m very selective with whom I choose to spend time with. If you are making my life easier and adding value to it I’ll spend lots of time with you. You can play hard to get, in the right way, just don’t be impossible to get, I do like a challenge, just not interested in exhausting myself, I am fond of moderately maintaining a connection with a woman, if you’re high maintenance or low maintenance I think I’ll pass.
Do not expect to be asked out right away either, I’m not much for dating and I don’t date multiple women at the same time, I’m far too busy for more than one woman at a time in dating terms. I don’t do casual either, I only show interest if it’s for the purpose of getting into a relationship. I’d prefer you get to know me first before I take things anywhere or move things forward. You better believe that I am evaluating you, and thinking long term when I decide to pursue a romantic interest.
How do you know I’m still interested as an introverted man? The very fact that I’m still talking to you or reaching out to you, even if it has been awhile, the more effort you put in, the more I will too. I strive for balance. If I give you any of my time you still have a chance, if I give you no time at all, someone else would appreciate you more than I would and just chalk that up as the one that got away, and place that in your experience file of what not to do.
If I say I’m interested in courting you, then know you are the only one I court, I was raised to be traditional in pursuing a woman, I do try to be a gentleman and I do tend to do acts of service for a lady. I cook too and that to me makes for a great time, I like nature, and adventure as well. I am spontaneous, however since I’m naturally a planner, it will be planned, but seem spontaneous.
Last but not least be your naturally feminine self, I am masculine so be feminine if that’s who you are at your core and don’t be ashamed of it, it’s attractive. I pick up on a woman’s energy just as she picks up on mine. I turn myself on all the time, it’s OK to think about me in those ways, your eyes and body language will tell me what you’re thinking and it’s perfectly acceptable.
I hope this helps. 🙂
Sport on!! Introvert women tend to keep quiet after hearing a complement. A communication killer…
We might not respond to a compliment for a number of reasons. We might not be used to being noticed (think Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles), or we might wonder if you’re a player, especially if we’ve watched you try to hit on EVERY SINGLE FEMALE IN THE ROOM, and you talk to us last, like the consolation prize :-). (Yes, you are being punished for the sins of those who have gone before you).
But in MY defense, when I’ve been chatting it up with guys in line, and they’ve actually said that they liked me, but would never date me because I’m tall (5’10”, 140#) and/or educated (BSN), and I have a career vs. a “little job”…wtf does that have to do with anything??? Are you intimidated??? Very confusing when you think you’re attractive or interesting enough, but anyway, that’s my story.
Those are my reasons, anyway. But in YOUR defense, yes, a simple thank you and a smile would be a great response!
This is oh so helpful to a coy woman like me who, up until my 27th birthday recently, have been single for 3 and a half years due to building up a barrier to meeting strangers and being intimate with the opposite sex. Thankfully, I have met and old friend who managed to meet me halfway and provide a much-needed stepping stone into this unfamiliar realm that I had emotionally built up!
Thankyou for this article. Just last night I met an attractive charming man, he clearly wanted to talk to me and I kept putting up a barrier because I felt awkward and didn’t know how to receive his attention. He got the impression that I’m just not interested and that’s not the case. I’m frustrated with being so shy around new people. I do like your advise, it seems real and hopefully I can do it to help me.