Caution in loveIf you’ve read my post about flirtation, you are already well positioned to get a date.   The next thing you have to do is actually ask someone out.  Before I answer the question “how can an introvert can get a date?”, I want to talk a bit more about positioning.


How you approach (or don’t approach) your love interest will determine your position in the relationship from now on.

As an introverted man, you might feel more comfortable allowing women to make the first move. The reality is that passive men attract women who like to be the aggressor.  These women probably like to be in control.  They also might enjoy mothering people.  Another possibility is that they lack the confidence to be with an assertive man.

I know this sounds harsh, but in most cases it is true.


If you want to sit back and allow a woman to court you, fine.  But remember, you are setting yourself up to take a submissive role in the rest of the relationship.  If you are okay with that then you can stop reading right now.

The art of asking

If you like to feel needed and masculine here is my advice for you: ask for what you want.

“A lot of people are afraid to say what they want.  That’s why they don’t get what they want.” ~Madonna

The other day I watched an amazing TEDX Talk entitled “The Art of Asking” by Amanda Palmer.  She spoke about how asking for what you want/need is a way of connecting with people.  It’s not a one-sided selfish act.  When done right, asking allows the other person to feel needed and seen.

When you ask someone on a date, you are essentially saying, “I see you.  I see you and I want to know more.”  In order to do this properly, the other person should feel like you’ve seen a glimpse of who they really are.  Allow me to elaborate.

The other day, as I was walking through a crowded shopping area in Mexico City, a young man popped up beside me.  At first I thought he might rob me.  Then I figured that he was trying to sell me something.  It turns out that he just wanted a date.  After asking me my name, he immediately asked for my number.

Can you guess what my answer was?  I said ‘no’ without hesitation.  This man didn’t even bother to learn anything about me before asking me out.  That tells me that he was only approaching me because he liked the way I looked.  That does not make me feel seen.  It makes me feel objectified.

Before you ask a woman for her time or her number, learn more about her.  Remember the old saying:

“A woman falls in love with a man because he makes her fall in love with herself.”

You will infinitely increase your chances of getting a date if you can make a girl feel smart, interesting or important.  The way that you do this is by applying my advice about being attentive.

Be direct

Now that you’ve established rapport and made her feel important, you can ask her out.  Here I must remind you that our aim is to make a real connection.  We are not looking for a prom date or a one-night stand.  Games are not necessary.  Be direct when you ask a girl out.  Here are some options of things you might say:

“I’d like to see you again.  May I have your number?”

“Would you like to go to dinner this weekend?”

“I really enjoyed talking to you.  Would you like to go for coffee this week?”

Saying, “lets hang out some time” is too vague.   I also highly discourage you from giving her your number and asking her to call you.  If you do this you are essentially stepping up to the plate and then forcing someone else to take the first swing.  It’s not a good idea.

Continue being direct when you contact her to make plans for the date.  If you are courting another introvert, it is usually acceptable to make most of the plans by text.

Don’t abuse the contact privileges.  Sending her random and meaningless texts for days before setting up a date is annoying.  It is also the hallmark of a player.  Write her a pleasant greeting and then get to the point.


So, how can an introvert get a date?  To summarize:

1) Position yourself well for the rest of the relationship by taking initiative.

2) Make her feel seen and important.

3) Ask for what you want in a direct way.

4) Make plans and follow through.

Hope that helped! 🙂

Ladies, sorry for neglecting you in this post.  Tomorrow I will talk about how to encourage men to ask you out and how to deal with introverted  men who won’t make the first move.