If you’ve read my post about flirtation, you are already well positioned to get a date. The next thing you have to do is actually ask someone out. Before I answer the question “how can an introvert can get a date?”, I want to talk a bit more about positioning.
How you approach (or don’t approach) your love interest will determine your position in the relationship from now on.
As an introverted man, you might feel more comfortable allowing women to make the first move. The reality is that passive men attract women who like to be the aggressor. These women probably like to be in control. They also might enjoy mothering people. Another possibility is that they lack the confidence to be with an assertive man.
I know this sounds harsh, but in most cases it is true.
If you want to sit back and allow a woman to court you, fine. But remember, you are setting yourself up to take a submissive role in the rest of the relationship. If you are okay with that then you can stop reading right now.
The art of asking
If you like to feel needed and masculine here is my advice for you: ask for what you want.
“A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That’s why they don’t get what they want.” ~Madonna
The other day I watched an amazing TEDX Talk entitled “The Art of Asking” by Amanda Palmer. She spoke about how asking for what you want/need is a way of connecting with people. It’s not a one-sided selfish act. When done right, asking allows the other person to feel needed and seen.
When you ask someone on a date, you are essentially saying, “I see you. I see you and I want to know more.” In order to do this properly, the other person should feel like you’ve seen a glimpse of who they really are. Allow me to elaborate.
The other day, as I was walking through a crowded shopping area in Mexico City, a young man popped up beside me. At first I thought he might rob me. Then I figured that he was trying to sell me something. It turns out that he just wanted a date. After asking me my name, he immediately asked for my number.
Can you guess what my answer was? I said ‘no’ without hesitation. This man didn’t even bother to learn anything about me before asking me out. That tells me that he was only approaching me because he liked the way I looked. That does not make me feel seen. It makes me feel objectified.
Before you ask a woman for her time or her number, learn more about her. Remember the old saying:
“A woman falls in love with a man because he makes her fall in love with herself.”
You will infinitely increase your chances of getting a date if you can make a girl feel smart, interesting or important. The way that you do this is by applying my advice about being attentive.
Now that you’ve established rapport and made her feel important, you can ask her out. Here I must remind you that our aim is to make a real connection. We are not looking for a prom date or a one-night stand. Games are not necessary. Be direct when you ask a girl out. Here are some options of things you might say:
“I’d like to see you again. May I have your number?”
“Would you like to go to dinner this weekend?”
“I really enjoyed talking to you. Would you like to go for coffee this week?”
Saying, “lets hang out some time” is too vague. I also highly discourage you from giving her your number and asking her to call you. If you do this you are essentially stepping up to the plate and then forcing someone else to take the first swing. It’s not a good idea.
Continue being direct when you contact her to make plans for the date. If you are courting another introvert, it is usually acceptable to make most of the plans by text.
Don’t abuse the contact privileges. Sending her random and meaningless texts for days before setting up a date is annoying. It is also the hallmark of a player. Write her a pleasant greeting and then get to the point.
So, how can an introvert get a date? To summarize:
1) Position yourself well for the rest of the relationship by taking initiative.
2) Make her feel seen and important.
3) Ask for what you want in a direct way.
4) Make plans and follow through.
Hope that helped! 🙂
Ladies, sorry for neglecting you in this post. Tomorrow I will talk about how to encourage men to ask you out and how to deal with introverted men who won’t make the first move.
“The next thing you have to do is actually ask someone out” is where this became academic for me. I have been interested in (attracted to) many women friends / acquaintances in my life (I’m 43), but I’ve [literally] never asked any one out on a date. I am deeply introvert and also firmly believe that it’s just not possible for anyone to see me *that* way – so I don’t ask anyone out no matter how attracted I am to her. Since rejection is 100% guaranteed, I see no point as it would just make me feel worse about myself. Most people are attractive in *that* way to somebody – but the fact is, some of us are not – and will never be no matter what we do. Do you have any advice for those of us who are chronically single?
I am an deeply introverted person to, and as you I never asked any women friend out, though I am much younger then you (21)
The thing is people like us just need to grow some balls, that’s all. You are seeing your anxiety towards failure as a part of your personality when it really shouldn’t be. Actually reading your comment + your age motivated me to ask a women I like out for a date the next time I see her as You are basically a reflection of me and the thought of still beeing lonely in my mid 40’s feels way more horrible than the thought of beeing rejected by a girl.
Please don’t take my comment as an insult. I wrote these harsh words on pourpose so you can see were you’r real problem lies. GROW SOME BALLS.
You didn’t read what I said – I’m not scared of rejection – and I do have balls, thank you. I firmly believe that it’s just not possible for any woman to be sexually attracted to me no matter what. No woman – literally – has ever shown any interest in me at all. For this reason, I don’t ask any woman out no matter how attracted I am to her – not because I fear getting a ‘no’ – but because I know I’ll get a ‘no’ and so don’t bother. If I thought there was even 1% chance of success, I would ask – but there isn’t, there never is – so I don’t do it.
Paul, no offense, but I am so sick and tired of hearing and reading what you posted.
Blah, blah, blah. . . .
Then do something about your situation!
If you are fat, lose it.
If you are skinny, workout on the weights.
If you have a homely face, make up for it by improving your personality, and wearing stylish clothes.
If you wear glasses, wear a cool stylish pair.
So on and so on. . . .
Response to Perry Rose: I have no problems in any of the areas you specify. I’m healthy, have lots of friends, get compliments on my clothes and don’t wear glasses. Despite these attributes, no woman has ever been attracted to me sexually. As I indicated, most people are attractive in *that* way to somebody – but the fact is, some of us are not – and will never be *no matter what we do*. I’m not looking for advice on how to change this – although I wish it weren’t the case, it’s a fact of life that I’ve accepted. If what you mean to advise is that I should get out more and ask more women out, as I said before, if there was evidence of even 1% chance of success, I would ask – but there never is – so I don’t ask at all. What I’d like is on advice on coping with being permanent single.
Paul, you still have hopes, you did not accept it as a fact of life. You are human and hope one day you will meet someone, that’s normal. And don’t give up on that hope. Try Tinder btw, don’t expect anything at all, just do for fun and then who knows, maybe you will meet someone. I am not kidding, I know only two people that used it just for fun and ended up marrying the ones they started communicating with. As for me, I am single almost 20 years now. I still have hope, and no there is nothing wrong with me, too much introvert only. There is no advice on coping with being permanent single. We just live, and swallow the sometimes hard moments like being on holiday and seeing so many couples holding hands. It helps having a pet 🙁
Hello Tina. Thanks for thoughtful response. I did try a couple of dating sites and had profiles up for a while but didn’t ever get even one date. To be fair, online dating isn’t for me because I will never post an image of myself online. No profile of me anywhere had ever had a picture. I totally understand why most people would never interact with a person with no photo, but I’ll never do it. Some of us are always guaranteed to be rejected by every woman, so I really have zero hope of ever finding anyone who would want me other than as just a friend. You’re absolutely correct – those of us who are single forever just live and try not to let our loneliness destroy us. Best of luck to you too.
Paul, if I were you I would invest in a make-over. Why not, give it a try, experiment with your looks. Instead of a suit try dressing casual for example. When you feel on top of the world you radiate confidence, and that is attractive. Grow a beard, or get rid of your beard. I absolutely believe in love, I see it all around me, and most who are single like me, are picky. We do have the right to be picky because if you are like me, you just want one serious partner to continue the journey of life. Life however is so that most hookups nowadays are casual, and from that casual state the relationship deepens over time. In order to become more loose and casual yourself, you’d have to feel like a milion bucks. It’s like wanting a job very hard and not getting it, and when you give a rats ass you get hired. Too bad we ain’t neighbours, I’d take you out and I am positive I’d even be able to give you a makeover, hahaha. I can be very persuasive 😛
No picture does give you zero chance. There are plenty photographers who seek models when I look at facebook groups, who simply need to create a portfolio. Get a good picture taken, why not. You have absolutely nothing to loose, it can be fun you know.
Another tip would be to put a hobby or whatever your good at in the limelight online, and from the followers you’d get you never know if someone fancies you. I am absolutely sure someone out there does like you. But if you show so little of yourself, you cannot catch an eye.
Thanks for your helpful advice, Tina. I’m happy to do the makeover, but posting photos anywhere online is something I’ll never do – I guess online dating isn’t for me. Thanks again.
I like the way you write this, Michaela. It makes a lot of sense. I’ve struggled a lot with making the first move due to fear of rejection etc. And sometimes it’s true that there can be underlying issues which aren’t as simple as just ‘growing some balls’.
We have to start with ourselves, right? Whatever I’ve been doing (or not as the case may be) hasn’t been working so I’m planning to focus strongly on the area of relationships at some point in the New Year. Time to take my power back.
Advising me that I have to actually ask a woman out is telling me to risk being charged with a criminal offence. Just flirting with a woman in Western society could be – and often is – construed as sexual harassment. I’m an extreme introvert, and have never tried to flirt in the first place – I am certain I’d be an abject failure no matter how many times I tried. Added to this, the very real potential for legal issues to arise from my trying to show a woman my interest in her takes it out of the realm of the possible.
So, how can an introvert get a date? Answer: introverts like me can’t get a date no matter what because no woman is interested in guys like me who are too shy and too introverted to talk to them. Fine, if you’re a guy who blushes and stammers when you approach, some women may find that endearing; but if you’re like me and you literally can’t even talk to women, game over before it even starts. Telling me to ‘grow some balls’ or ‘man up’ is just insulting… and doesn’t help at all.
For those of us extreme introverts who aren’t used to approaching women and hooking up all the time, it takes a lot of courage to approach women at all. From the time we were teenagers, we see overzealous girls who will call it sexual harassment and try to ruin a guy’s reputation if he so much as says hello. No, that’s not an exaggeration.
I remember being 18, standing around for a bus, asking a woman who was probably 23 for the time because my phone was dead. She went off on a rant, apparently perceiving this as a pickup line, and judging me of course unworthy, even though I just wanted to figure out when the next bus was. And every time I said “sorry to bother you” she’d go off again. “what kind of man says I’m sorry!!” It’s women like that we remember, when we think about saying hello, and it just shuts us down completely. There are many more stories I can recall right now of that sort. The fact is, I’m now 36 have never so much as held hands or kissed a woman – and of course I’ve never been asked out by a woman either.
So my question to you is – why would I, or any other guy – take a 50/50 risk of being screamed at and called a creep in public, and / or accused of sexual harassment with all the ensuing destruction to all areas of my life?
You’re clearly talking to guys who are actually capable of attracting a woman. There is no point in me even talking to any woman. Any other guy (and I mean an other guy) who walked by would be incomparably more attractive than me no matter what I look like, do or say. I am extremely introverted as well as being the most unattractive man possible, and nothing I could ever do could change this. This is not to do with confidence, it’s simple fact
“…passive men attract women who like to be the aggressor.” And then there are those of us who never attract any woman, passive or aggressive. There is no point in guys like me approaching a woman because rejection would be guaranteed every time – and no woman ever approaches me either. The reason for this is that other guys (introvert or extrovert) are much more attractive than I ever could be, so as long as there are other guys around, any woman will pick them and ignore me. This is how it is.
Instead of an article telling me how to get a date, please convince me WHY I should date at all. I’m a close observer of people, and I’ve noticed that men get very little from relationships. Dating does not pass the cost/benefit analysis for me. The man takes all the risk, pays for the date, and has to perfectly decipher her ever-changing moods. If they end up together, the woman controls all the man’s free time. She tries to change everything about him. She throws tantrums whenever she doesn’t get her way. Her constant mood swings keep him walking on eggshells. Every relationship problem is his fault. It’s literally all cost and no benefit for the guy. The only smart choice is avoiding women altogether, which is very easy for an introvert to do.
Can I, as an introverted man, get a date? No – because women aren’t attracted to me. Women respond positively to guys they are attracted to – and have signalled to approach them – and negatively to others. If a woman doesn’t give a guy a clear signal that she wants him to approach her, he shouldn’t. Since I have never gotten signals from any woman, I have never approached one. I am not angry at women – I’m just stating facts. Attraction is not a choice: women cannot help that they are not attracted to me and I respect that.
Dating – in fact, just approaching any woman at all – involves a lot more than emotional risk for men. Just smiling at a woman can get a guy accused of harassment, which can be very costly. I can deal with emotional risk, but I won’t put myself in a position where I could lose everything just for introducing myself.
Before anyone tells me that it’s the ‘way’ I would approach a woman I’m interested in that determines her reaction to me, let me say that a confusing part of this whole flirting thing is the huge range of individual behaviors vs intent. I am a person one who tries to be polite and kind to all and I’m also a good listener and conversationalist. But as a very introverted (and shy) guy with literally zero experience approaching women I find attractive / dating, etc., I never act sexual in public – no matter how attractive I find a woman. Not because I’m wimpy, lack confidence, or anything of the sort – but because I’m not about to put myself in a position where I could lose everything just for introducing myself as the polite and kind guy I am. Fact: Misinterpretation of my intent by a woman could land me in court and I won’t go there.
The question is not “how can an introvert get a date?”, but “can an introvert get a date?” In my case, the answer is no, so there is no point in even trying. In a world where I will be rejected every time, if not accused, I’m not about to put myself out there – I’ve worked hard for what I have and will not risk losing it all.
Everyone talks about the risk of being accused of harassment. I disagree. That’s something you just have to get over and ignore.
However, there is another issue, than no one seems to be addressing, and that is HOW an introvert is even supposed to meet an introvert. Many (not all, but many) introverts like myself, are stay-at-home introverts. I’m not unattractive or selfish or toxic, BUT I like to spend my time at home and I’d like to be with someone who does the same.
Do you see the problem??? We both stay at home! How are we supposed to find each other for EITHER of us to make the first move? If we “go out” to find someone, then we’re not finding the right person that we want to be with out that we will click with!
I’m through with approaching women. I’m an extreme introvert and I have worked very hard to be able to interact easily with women. I’ve always been kind, respectful (not a pushover) and clear in what I want. My advances have been met with nastiness, disrespect and dishonesty by women who have instead chosen to date men who took them for granted, abused and then summarily dumped them. Some of these women – after they have been dropped by the idiots they chose over me – have been distraught that I won’t try again. Why would I do that? Who do these women think they are? They had their chance to date me but chose to say no. And as women constantly remind men, ‘no means no’. And now that they’re another guy’s castoff, I’m not interested. Some women will say it’s not their fault because they were caught up with peer pressure and the dictates of Cosmo – to which I say, “grow up”. You made a mistake which demonstrates that you are not good enough for me. I too have a choice – to share my life (which these women want into) or not. And my response is no – I will not play your stupid little game.