Dating and relationships week continues with this second instalment in the Dating Advice For Introverts series.

The search for love and companionship can be both frustrating and exhilarating.  If you are feeling much more of the former than the latter, don’t lose hope.  The most inspiring victories are won after a slump (think of every football movie ever made).  Likewise, the greatest love stories are given to those who face the most obstacles.

The truth is,  if finding your perfect match were easy, you wouldn’t value your relationship.

Now that we’ve had a little pep talk, it’s time to get back to the love lab and start experimenting.  Today’s experiment involves attracting and approaching the opposite sex.

For introverts, this can be the most daunting part of the dating process.  Nightmarish thoughts of crowded parties and awkward exchanges dance in our heads.


The laws of probability tell us that in order to find the mystical unicorn that is true love, we have to meet a lot of frogs.  And we will probably have to make small talk with them.  Ugh.

Fortunately, if you have found your tribe and you are being your most authentic self, you actually don’t have to “put yourself out there” too much.  Well, not in the traditional sense anyway.

Putting yourself out there (the introverted way)

Even if you are extremely introverted, there are probably at least five places that you see new people each week.  Here are some possibilities:

  • Work
  • The grocery store
  • The gym
  • Class
  • At a dinner party

You have far greater chances of meeting your life partner in the five places that you frequent than anywhere else.  That means you are more likely to meet that special someone at the gym than at a bar.  You have a greater chance of truly connecting with a friend of a friend than with someone from another State who you find in an online dating forum.  Your classmate is probably a better match for you than anyone you meet at a speed-dating event.  Get the picture?

So, how do you turn those random people you encounter into people you might actually date? In order to answer that, I must go back to the experiment analogy.

When you are conducting an experiment, you don’t use just one subject.  It is the same with attraction and dating.  Every person of the opposite sex is a potential practice partner.

You don’t train for a marathon by running 26 miles on the first day and you don’t find true love on the first try.

The approach will be different for men and women.

For introverted women

For introverted women, simply being open to men talking to you (even men you are not attracted to) will make a huge difference.  Attraction is kind of like sending out a radio signal.  In order to get the right people to tune in, you have to send the signal out to a whole lot of people.

Look up, use open body language and be prepared to accept a date with anyone who asks.  This is important because men can sense if you are approachable or not.  They can smell potential rejection.

For introverted men

As an introverted man, you merely need to change your mindset.  Whatever it takes for you to see approaching women as something easy and even enjoyable – do it.  Remember, this is an experiment.


Don’t be intimidated.  Remember, you are introverted not shy (unless you are both).  You are perfectly capable of doing things that are out of your comfort zone if they are in alignment with your values.

Your mindset matters

“Do not try and bend the spoon. That’s impossible. Instead only try to realize the truth. Then you’ll see that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.”  ~  The Matrix

I promise you that this advice really works. And it doesn’t involve changing your personality or going places you don’t like to go.  A change in your mindset is the single most powerful thing you can do to transform your romantic life.

In case you are wondering, I have done all of the things I write about (except for the male-specific advice).  I have been asked out in each of the five places I mentioned.  Before I changed my mindset and began being more open, men rarely approached me.

Now that you have the attention of a real live member of the opposite sex, how do you get a date?

Check back tomorrow for a brand new post in the Dating Advice for Introverts series about the art of flirtation and securing a date.