Dearest Introverted Man,
I’ve put together some essential tips to help you with your dating endeavors. But before we dive in, I want to stress a key point that you might have overlooked:
Introverted men are so hot!
Mysterious, introspective, deep, highly sensitive AND less likely to cheat – I’ll take two please (just kidding … but maybe … no really just kidding)! Think Ryan Gosling’s character in Drive; Johnny Depp in every movie where he is not playing a crazy person (which is not very many); and we mustn’t forget Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice.
All of the above examples illustrate how sexy silence can be on a man. Combine that with a love of deep thought and good books, then throw in a dash of tortured artist – and voila – you have one irresistibly HOT introverted man!
So, I really don’t know why you need any dating tips, hot introverted man, but I will humor you anyway, and offer some of my best introvert dating advice.
Make the move or lose!
So there’s this girl. She’s kinda cute. You like her. Maybe you really like her. But you just can’t quite figure out how to make the first move. This is natural. it’s scary to approach a pretty woman and face the possibility of rejection. Many thoughts might be swirling through your head, like: “what if I don’t know what to say and there is a long, awkward silence?” and “what if she says no?” and even “what if she says yes – then what?” I feel your pain, my friend. But.
You still have to make a move!
It might be kinda awkward. Your palms might be sweaty. Maybe your delivery will be a little slow and stilted. That’s okay. The most important thing is that you actually approach her. Here’s why:
An uncomfortable dynamic
If you never approach women, and consequently only date women who pursue you, you end up attracting a certain type of woman. Most of the time, women who are pursuers are the very same women who will try to overcompensate for you. These women are more likely to try to control, plan and dominate in the relationship. This puts you in a position that probably won’t feel very good to you. It won’t feel good for the woman either.
So, in order to prevent the emasculating dynamic described above, you’ve gotta take some initiative and ask that fine lady out!
I know what you’re wondering: how do you go about approaching a woman in a way that doesn’t feel unnatural and scary? Well, a lot of it has to do with your environment. My innie Internet friend, Sarah Jones, Love Life Engineer at IntrovertedAlpha.com, offers some great advice for the best places for introverted men to meet and approach women.
I don’t recommend this approach.
The 5 Best Places For Introverted Men To Meet Women
While noisy bars and clubs can make extroverts the life of the party, they drown out gentler and more mysterious introverts. As an introverted man, you have attractive qualities that extroverts don’t have. But if you’re in the wrong environment, women can’t see those qualities.
Think in terms of paintings and frames. If you take a crazy, loud painting like a Jackson Pollock and put it in a gaudy frame, it looks great! This is like putting an extrovert inside a club. If you take a more muted and nuanced painting like a James Abbott McNeill Whistler (my favorite), and stick it inside the same frame, it looks awful and drowns out the painting.
Being an introvert, you want a frame or venue that showcases your best qualities: calmness, groundedness, mysteriousness, quirkiness.
These venues are perfect for you:
- classes, especially partner dancing
- museum exhibits / art openings
- a foodie meetup group (even better if you can start leading one)
- outdoor events, like hiking or rock climbing
- comedy shows or improv classes
When you go to these places instead of bars and clubs, you put yourself in the right frame and set yourself up for success.
Sarah Jones is a dating coach at IntrovertedAlpha.com. She helps introverted men to:
- be happier and more confident
- approach women in a way that feels natural to them
- go on more fun and fulfilling dates
- learn how to become better lovers
- transition into a meaningful relationship with ease
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this article i agree with everything you said. I used to only be interested in playing it safe with women who initiate our encounters but now since i no longer define my worth by someone elses rejection or acceptance it is easier to make the first move. I have learned that you should never let anyone have the last say over how much attention, respect, adoration or love you should get. That includes the opposite sex, family, including parents or advertising which feeds off of our insecurities to sell there products. I and I alone determine my worthiness. I hope this is not too long but i just had to get it off my chest.Keep doing what your are doing.
With much benevolence
Marion Boyd
You’re very welcome, Marion! I’m happy that you shared your experience with this. it is very inspiring! xxo, Michaela
I think the two biggest difficulties I have with making the move are as follows:
1. I’ve grown up with sisters and lived with girls in college. You don’t hear about the cute guy who flirted. You hear about how she was having a perfectly fine day until some guy had the gall to talk to her. “I’m here to work out. not to flirt!” “I’m here for coffee, not to flirt!” “I’m here to read, not to flirt!”
The whole thing feels totally wrong because I’ve been led to believe girls hate being flirted with. Why would I want to initiate such an interaction?
2. Given the above, the following expectation that a guy should make the move just seems…insulting? Like, I’m supposed to flirt with girls (which they don’t want) on the off chance they are into me. If I am wrong, it’s not rejection I’m worried about. I’ve gotten death threats.
I feel like I’m being forced to play court jester and if they like my performance, great. If they don’t, I’m fed to the crocs. And the response for taking this risk is what….your company? What about my company? Is that totally worthless to you?
IDK, the whole thing just feels too one-sided.
I’ve probably initiated half the relationships I’ve been in. And in many of those, it was because she told her friends she liked me, and her friends told me. The nice thing about being approached is that, for instance, a girl has literally grabbed my crotch. Another has pinned me down and “wanted to show me a good time”. These didn’t bother me too much, but are well within the definition of rape had the genders been swapped. So I mean, if a girl approaches me, she can fumble around as awkwardly as she wants. All kind of breathing room.
Meanwhile, I was literally given those death threats for telling a friend of mine “You amaze me. You have such a busy, stressful day yet always manage to keep such a lovely smile on your face.”
There’s no room for error, and there’s nothing you can do to avoid a girl trying to destroy your life for simply showing interest.
Or I just need to see a shrink.
Would you have any tips for introverted and shy women? Sometimes dealing with introversion is hard enough when it comes to dating, but with added shyness, I have to consciously try to make an effort to talk to people.
I never thought of it before but your right. By waiting for women to approach me I am attracting “takers” instead of givers. I will be changing the way I do things from now on
Glad you’ve seen the light, Dan.
I love your articles Michaela. Whenever I read them, it feels like its about me 🙂 Can you please write an article on dating tips for introverted women?
Thank You mickaela. Ive Always Been afraid of rejection. My only serious relationship was with a Girl who approached me. It ended after a year. But it was toxic so i dont regret.
Im trying to talk To women more often, even if I dont feel like talking. Thanks for Your article, it gave me more insight.
I’m really glad I stumbled upon this! Reading this, I felt like I was really reading ABOUT myself! I always wondered how it was so EASY for others to go to a bar and just start chatting up women and get dates just like *that*, and wondered why I simply just couldn’t do that. It’s not even a fear of rejection for me, not really. If a woman’s not attracted to me, I know it’s nothing personal, I just don’t know what to say though, how to open, unless I already know we have something in common (I don’t “do” smalltalk very well). But after reading this article, it’s clear to me now that there’s nothing wrong with me (I didn’t think there was, I just couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong), I just wasn’t in my element. So thank you, this has inspired me to explore these ideas further!
I’ve never been approached by a woman – not even once – and there’s no way I’ll ever approach – no matter how crazy attracted I am to her. First, I’m incredibly shy and introverted; and second, I don’t want to have to appear in court if a woman doesn’t like my face. If a woman likes me she can be the one to literally risk everything (job, reputation, etc.) by approaching me first.
“If you never approach women, and consequently only date women who pursue you, you end up attracting a certain type of woman.” Actually that doesn’t work for some guys because it assumes that there are women who actually are attracted to (and thus pursue) them. In my case, I have never approached a woman and no woman has ever pursued me – so I have not had even one date in my whole life. Guys like me have to just accept that we’re unable to attract women of any type no matter what – we are chronically involuntarily single. Attraction is not a choice – women don’t ‘decide’ not to be attracted to me – they just aren’t and that’s just the way it is. I’m attracted to many women, but will never approach one because I know they would never be attracted to me – they can’t help it and it’s not their fault. I just wish one woman could be attracted to me – that’s all.
I never approach women and no woman ever approaches me, so I guess I’m out of the game. It’s just not worth it – no human being is worth the misery I would go through if a woman rejected me – and I believe there’s 100% chance theft I’d be rejected out of hand by every woman out there.
After exchanging a few really awesome emails with a guy I met online, I asked to meet for coffee and he readily agreed. When it came time to set up the details for the first meet he totally panicked and pulled back. I found out afterwards, from a mutual friend, that he is a very introverted man. Is it worth trying to contact him again, after like a week, and this time letting him set the pace?
Amy, this is classic trait I have found inIntroverted Feeling men. They get paralyzed by their overanalysis of future scenarii linked up with past negative experiences.
When does that happen? When they are actually feeling GOOD about something, but somehow get hit by past hurts and can’t see the end of it.
As an INTJ woman, I could not possibly deal with someone who is over-emotional beyond reason, and I believe that any man would find it embarassing to “melt” in front of his romantic interest.
The thing is, THIS is his issue to solve. And I don’t believe a week cuts it.
What I have done in the past was to get on with my life (no big deal for me since I always have tons of matters to investigate) and let the man emerge when he is less riled up. It usually takes something like 3-6 weeks, or more if we are both busy on our end.
Basically, he has to coach himself out of this state for four reasons:
1. It will give him confidence that he can manage the situation
2. It will give you confirmation that you mean something to him
3. You are now aware that he is an introverted-very-sensitive person
4. He is now relieved that you have seen his major weakness
However, I have always made a point to let him know that, although I understood his predicament at the time, I was not particularly happy about the ‘disappearing act’.
I did this to remind him that us “hanging out” doesn’t mean that the unspoken rules of politeness/consideration/respect for another human being don’t apply.
Well thanks, but I tried twice and didn’t get any e-book
So here is my struggle: to be honest, I am very picky with women, but not in a bad way (if that makes sense). I know what kind of woman I am looking for because I know myself. I have a list of things that I do and don’t like in myself and in others, and I want to find someone who fits that mold. But I also know my faults, which is that I am not the type of person who can really make a conversation last. I am fairly “boring” in the sense that I don’t take many trips, I don’t like to go out all the time, and I don’t have the most interesting things to say, so the initial meeting of women is just brutal. Once people get to know me, I feel like they really see how cool I can be, but getting past that first stage is incredibly difficult. What can I do to work through this issue, but not change who I am?
Thanks for any and all feedback.
I personally think that it is wise to just accept the fact that I will be single forever. I don’t even want to meet a girl anymore. Just having a conversation is a struggle for me. So why should I waste a woman’s time when a well built man is also looking right at her.