Can introverts and extroverts make a successful love match? Well, yes, of course. But maybe not. Or maybe yes, but they won’t be a perfect fit.
The thing is, most relationship experts and unwanted advice givers will tell you there is no such thing as a flawless pairing. I agree. Hmmm. So, now we’re back at square one again.
Which leads me to conclude that I can’t conclusively answer the question. There are far too many factors that come into play when two uniquely flawed people try to build a relationship.
The best I can offer are some potential pros and cons related to an introvert/extrovert pairing.
Cons
1. Because it’s difficult for extroverts to understand introverts, your partner may never truly ‘get’ you.
2. Perhaps they will speak too much and listen too little, hampering the chances of a deep and meaningful connection.
3. They will likely want to go out more than you, which could cause conflict if neither of you are willing to compromise.
4. Your extrovert could create an annoying amount of noise pollution in the house. This may seem like a small thing, but over time this can be really aggravating.
5. They might invite people over without telling you and then get upset when you don’t feel like socializing.
6. They could constantly try to ‘help’ you to be more extroverted rather than accept you the way you are.
Pros
1. They can be your social connector, introducing you to new people and places you wouldn’t have found on your own.
2. They might encourage you (in a non-irritating way) to get out of your comfort zone and try new things.
3. In social settings, they can do the talking when you can’t think of anything to say (this can be a con as well).
4. They are able to show you a different way of viewing and interacting with the world.
5. They might have the ability to spark interesting and enriching conversations that help deepen your connection.
6. It is very possible that they will fully accept and appreciate all of your fine introverted qualities.
I have had serious relationships with both introverts and extroverts. I’m still sussing out, which I prefer. As I said before, there are a lot of things to consider beyond introversion and extroversion.
And what about you, anonymous reader and/or introvert revolutionist? What are your thoughts on an introvert/extrovert love match?
Thank goodness I did not look to your advice when making my choice! I would be alone with my cat who is thankfully not too demanding or judgemental but can be an extrovert just when the need arises. Hmmmm. Is it too late to change my mind?
some of the most meaningful relationships in my life have been with extroverts, but those relationships are usually more friendship based. When it come to a romantic relationships, I prefer to he with another introvert who understands the need for companionable silence.
Indeed. I can completely identify with what you’ve said, Lauren. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Yours comments are really interesting and as an introvert, I thought that your comments were true to my experience. But, what about an introvert matched with an introvert? I’ve read a bit lately on that match (which is my case) and it was really liberating because it helped me understand some petty little conflicts. I would be interested in your thiughts.
Thank you so much for your feedback, Margie. I’m glad you could relate. I think an introvert/introvert match can be very beautiful. My biggest challenge in past relationships with introverts was getting to the point where we both felt comfortable enough to open up. These relationships evolved more slowly, but I found it was worth it.
I’ve often wondered if the maturing of an extroverted soul (through life experiences) holds the key to the successful paring of an introvert with an extrovert.
And what of the trait of introversion-extroversion being on a spectrum/scale? Perhaps an individual scoring 8/10 on the introvert end of the scale may be best suited by a partner who is a 3/10 on the extrovert scale? Or maybe not? 😛
Oh, and what of the ambiverts? Maybe they’d couple the best with us ‘Innies’! =D
I am glad I found your page. Some people say I am and extrovert, and possibly I am. I am a social person. BUT I enjoy my alone time greatly. I do like when people are around, but get irritated when I would rather be alone.
ANYWAYS… I have recently begun a friendship with a past HS friend. We spend allot of time together, he says he is an introvert, I see some qualities, but I tend to think its more shyness, thats how I found your blog as I am trying to learn more.
I am VERY interested in being more than just friends, but have no idea if he does, and his introvert or shyness tends to be the blockage.. I do NOT want to lose my friend, so I wont make the first move, it will have to come from him, and that may never happen.
I plan to visit your blog as to learn more about how he feels, and possibly myself to see if maybe I too am an introvert or possibly half and half is that is possible. LOL
Hi Dolph. That’s great! I love to hear from extroverts who benefit from this blog. Good luck with turning your friendship with an introvert into a romance 🙂 . Have you read my post about how to romance an introvert? http://introvertspring.com/?p=172#sthash.4GSfgjQk.dpbs
No I had not seen that one, but I will read it now.. Thank you!
I currently am in an extrovert-introvert relationship, me being, of course, the introvert. So far it has been quite nerve wrecking because my partner *needs* to be around people all the time. He lives with his mother, and they have young people over all the time, which causes me not only exhaustion but also a great amount of anxiety. I think in my case if my partner lived on his own, things may perhaps be easier, but right now there are so many “unknowns”, that I live in a constant state of anxiety, and I feel bad about it because him, nor his friends and family get me.
My husband is very extroverted, and with compromise and communication it has been good for me. The biggest thing is that he understands I’m introverted (plus shy), and he’s fine with that. We’ve agreed not to surprise each other with guests at the house, and I’m fine with him going out without me if I’m not feeling it. Being with him helps me come out of my shell a bit, and he has no problem standing up for me if I’m not around and people don’t understand I’m an introvert. We also give each other space since we’re both only children (you get used to being alone growing up alone, and it’s still needed at times, even with extroverts). So being an introvert in a relationship with an extrovert can work if you’re both open about what you need.
I’m glad you shared your personal experience with this, Alicia. You are a great example of how compromise and acceptance can help couples overcome their differences.
I am always drawn to other introverts but have found that my best relationships are with gentle extroverts. In relationships with other introverts, I’ve found myself trying to “fake” and be more outgoing than I actually am in an attempt to compensate. I end up worn out and unhappy without any real connection. I am someone who likes to go out and socialize, but sometimes needs another person there to push me to do it.
Yes, “gentle extroverts” can make great companions for introverts. I too don’t mind a little push to go out 🙂 . Thanks for sharing.
Enjoying the blog Michaela.
The old adage ‘opposites attract’ has been around for so long that I wonder if two people can fit so neatly into their respective boxes.
I like the concept of chemistry: in that two different substances (people) combine to create a new, unique substance – and that can be introvert & introvert or E & E or I & E etc
In my experience, the important thing is allowing the other person ‘space’ to be what they are – if both people can do that, then they are on to a good thing…
Thanks Niall. I’m glad you’re liking the blog. And I agree, chemistry and the space to be ourselves are invaluable in a relationship.
I am in a two year relationship with my first introvert….I would describe myself as a “gentle” extrovert (a term I read on your blog). I must say, the relationship has progressed slower than molasses. It continues to move forward, though at a rate I sometimes find almost unbearable. It helps to read things like your blog because there are certain behaviors I have considered rude or hurtful. When speaking to my beloved about his lack of communication at times (texting ONLY, by the way), he will remind me that he communicates with me more than anyone else. This is an honor to be reminded of that helps me cope with feelings that he is just plain not interested. I confess, before him, I also thought being an introvert meant being shy. So far, I would have to say he has been worth the wait. I do know that when he said he loved me for the first time just recently that it was real and true and sincere. I think we are onto something beautiful here.
Thank you so much for sharing your extrovert perspective on this Kaua. I’m really glad that my blog has helped you to understand your partner better. Just remember that introverts are typically very loyal and faithful to people they feel a genuine bond with. So don’t give up. You might both have to compromise, but it will be worth it 😉
I’m with ya, sister!
I’m an introvert – actually i’m sure that im the most introverted girl alive… But I have a relationship with the most extroverted guy alive and it works great! He . always whats to be in the centre of everything, He respects that i dont want to hang out with people and he never questions it although he might think it’s wierd sometimes. Once he asked me “Erica, when was the last time you hung out with someone?” and i was like “3 months ago i think?” We both were laughing about it but the thing is.. i dont care, i just dont wanna hang out with people but at the same time i can see that it’s very odd from an extrovert perspective 🙂 My extrovert accepts me for who i am and im sure that if i was extroverted he wouldnt wanna be with me because he needs a certain amount of space and he cant share that with someone. Since im an introvert i give him his social space, he can go out partying every weekend while im at home – alone… which i love 🙂 It’s a win win situation 🙂 / Greetings from Sweden (excuse my english)
Hi Erica! It’s wonderful to hear your perspective on this! So glad that you found your perfect extrovert match. Also, I love that you don’t care what others think about your innie ways. 🙂
I am a very introverted girl. So far I’ve date 3 extroverts & one introvert. The extroverted relationships were exciting, fast paced but ended prematurely as they have no much patience & understanding. The introverted relationship was very slow but developed comfortably at the pace I enjoyed tho at times, there was too much distance & lack of attention. I prefer an extrovert but yet to find one with enough patience!!
Hi Hannah, I completely know what you mean about wanting an extrovert with more patience. I think sometimes as introverts we might attract extroverts who are more “fast paced” in their approach to relationships because it takes the pressure off us. They are the ones chasing us. They move the relationship forward. But their pace can also be overwhelming and exhausting.
My wife is an extrovert. Without her I would probably be living underground in Iceland or something. She’s my conduit to the outside world, my buffer zone of protection, my spy, my agent, my broker, my PR rep, and the list goes on. And she does it all without really knowing she’s doing it. Kind of like breathing, I guess.
I have no idea what she gets out of the relationship, although usually I do the dishes.
Haha, I love the description of your wife, John. It’s great to hear that your relationship works so well. And I’m sure she gets a lot out of the relationship, too!
As I mentioned in a comment on another post, my spouse and I are both introverts – I’m a moderate, she’s a capital “I”. While I agree extroverts can be social connectors and get introverts out of their comfort zones, my preference is to experience those “benefits” through extroverted friends rather than an extroverted spouse. There are few things I like more than a weekend at home with my spouse. The thought of living with somebody who constantly wanted to engage others (thereby getting me out of my comfort zone) has little appeal, but having extroverted friends provide some social push is very appealing because I know I can shut it off when I’ve had enough. Of course maybe that’s the very point – being pushed out of a comfort zone means the experience might not be entirely comfortable!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, Murray. I also prefer the “benefits” of extroverted friends rather than an extroverted partner in most cases. Of course there are always exceptions.
My husband is an extrovert and I am an introvert. He is often loud in our home and very energetic when interacting with me. I am sometimes drained after spending time with him, but over time we have fine tuned our needs. He knows sometimes I need my quiet space or not to have his friends come over and he respects it. It makes me very happy to have such an understanding extrovert. But i have had relationships with other extroverts that have not been so patient and had me thinking that there was something wrong with me. It all depends on the person and whether the love/ bond between you is strong enough!
I have recently started something that could potentially be a relationship with an introvert… I’m a little of both, depends on how well I’m doing, I guess. Back to my gypsy…he is way more introverted than anyone I have ever met before. He says he could go days without communicating with another person and it wouldn’t bother him. I am on a very short list of people that he communicates with daily, and if I am understanding correctly, that’s actually kind of a big deal. The problem I have is that I don’t know when I’m touching too much, or talking too much, and “intense” is often used to describe me, by most people, and recently him. How do I not screw it up? To outsiders who don’t understand introversion, it looks like I’m just a “side girl” because they don’t know him, and only know about the long periods of little communication. I recently told him thank you for making an effort and stepping out of his comfort zone to communicate with me daily, but I think that freaked him out because I haven’t heard from him since. I feel like every time I try and say anything to share my feelings or acknowledge his I’m screwing up, but I don’t know what else to do to validate him. I feel like my only other option is to just not talk about feelings at all and then that doesn’t do any good. Help! I really like him and want to not go crazy while he decides if he’s going to let me in to the next level.
I too have just started a relationship exactly like this and see no one responded, I would love to know how to go about this. She says seeing each other once a week is too much for her and I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY. Teresa you posted this in June of 2015, how have things progressed months later. Id love your perspective or anyone elses really.
Hello Michaela. First thing first, I am so happy to find a website which speaks things up for Introverts. Perhaps I have always been trying to fixed things myself or talk to my close buds on my probs with my girl. Oh yeah, Im an extrovert and Im dating an introvert. Not just any normal introvert, but the kind of introvert that I really would love to spent my whole life with. Such decent yet mysteriously interesting. 🙂 anyways, I will look up all of your posts soon enough and will comment when things get complicated which requires for your words and wisdoms. Thanks Michaela.
I too have just started an introverted girl and it is going really slow. She told me seeing me once a week may be too fast at this point. I AM GOING CRAZY with how little I get to see her in person. And our texts our like an hour between responses due to work and other things. My question is, how do I go about this without making her feel pressured or having her run away. When we are in person, we can talk for hours and I love that about her. She always says she doesn’t open up but to me she always opens up. No one answered Teresa so im asking Teresa, now that it has been months how has the relationship progressed, has it progressed?
I’m an in your face extrovert, while I have been for the last nine years is with my absolute polar opposite. I’m a female, which makes it worse. I’m highly sexual person, very outgoing, spontaneous person. I can’t even count how many times I have been rejected, sexually.If we go out, I can literally feel his uncomfortableness seething off his body. He is not affectionate and I am. I feel like in this relationship I’ve given everything, I feel alone, I feel unwanted. I’ve expressed how I have felt in the last 9 years repeatedly, that something has to give.
Sad thing is, is he is a really great guy, but my needs as a human being, are not being met. I want to feel loved, I want to be touched and I want to be appreciated. I’m at the end of my rope. He either puts in the effort or I’ll end this marriage. I feel like I have to save what tiny part of me that’s left and run.
Hi Donna, it sounds like you and your partner, aside from being different personalities, have different love languages. You need physical affection to feel love, however he shows and feels love in other ways (such as acts of service). Your needs regarding love and affection are valid, and if your partner really cannot fulfill them, it is a good idea to reassess the relationship.
I like an introvert girl bt i dnt ave any ways to express my feelings to er or i dnt knw what she feels abt me she is highly career oriented……i dnt want to lose her in any case…..please help me deal with this….
Can anyone reply plzz John or Michaela…???