Heartbreak is one of the most painful emotions anyone will ever face. But INFJ heartbreak is something far worse.
A huge majority of INFJs are highly sensitive and empaths. When an INFJ goes through heartbreak, we feel as if somebody took our heart out of our chest, and blocked our mind from all thinking. We silently go through immense hurt and donāt know how to let go. We experience something that I callā¦
The quiet pain of INFJ heartbreak
INFJs donāt play the victim role. Even when we are heartbroken, rarely will you see us show it in public. Before finding my true purpose, I canāt count the number of days when I had to go to work heartbroken and constantly on the verge of tears. But I never allowed for anyone to see this.
INFJ heartbreak is an emotion so painful, that even as Iām writing this, memories are pouring in and overwhelming me. When our heart is broken into pieces, no words of comfort can ease how we feel. We hold that pain inside, quietly hoping that no one will notice it. But we can only hold on for so long.
The aftermath of INFJ heartbreak is that we donāt know how to let go. Let me remind you, we are protectors, guardians, and counselors. So letting go is an unknown word in our dictionary.
Donāt worry, I got you covered. Iāve gathered all my strength, despite crying the whole time writing this, to share with you seven reasons why INFJs canāt let go after heartbreak.
1. We overthink, but also over-love.
When an INFJ loves someone, this is such a deep bond that it is almost unbreakable. When it ends, itās a world unknown for INFJs, because we have given it everything we got. We then start asking ourselves: āHow could this happen, now what?ā
2. We believe itās our fault this happened.
The inevitable guilt comes as a result of the belief that we should have done more to prevent the INFJ heartbreak. Donāt forget, we are our own worst critics, and nowhere is this more expressed than when an INFJ has to let go after heartbreak.
3. We should have done more.
Next comes pressure and self-sabotage. INFJs struggle to let go, because thereās this obnoxious feeling that we subconsciously sabotaged the relationship, and havenāt done enough. We start doubting that weāll ever find someone who will accept us. We donāt want to let go, because in our mind, we should have done more.
4. We believe we can still fix this.
Even after the relationship is over, an INFJ will still analyze what happened and try to bring thing back to the way they used to be. Deep inside, we know itās over, but our heart refuses to accept it. This makes it much more difficult to let go.
5. We think no one will ever accept us again.
The greatest fear of an INFJ is loneliness. INFJs will even go against everything we believe in to escape it. Letting go after an INFJ heartbreak is like a volcano eruption. First comes a warning shockwave, and then a lava of emotions that no INFJ ever wants to feel.
6. We thought he/she was our soul mate.
If an INFJ believes they found their soul mate, this makes letting go all the more problematic. We are used to being misunderstood, so if a person who understands us enters our life, and then leaves it, itās like everything that we ever wanted is gone. In this case, letting go is like an impossible mission for an INFJ.
7. We fear the future.
Imagine that you were with someone who meant the world to you, someone with whom you planned a bright future. But now that person has left, and you have no idea what to do next. For an INFJ, letting someone go feels like a part of our soul has been taken, causing the future to become blurry.
I know all too well how much heartbreak hurts, my dear INFJ. But sometimes, the only thing that we can do is let go. You are not surrendering, and youāre not giving up on yourself. You are moving on, because you need to take care of yourself, too.
Letting go is a sign of strength
Every single person who breaks your heart is a lesson that you had to learn. Some lessons will just be bullets in your book of life. Some will be the title of a chapter. One day, youāll meet the one who will give your book the main headline.
Give yourself the permission to grieve and cry. Allow your soul time to heal from INFJ heartbreak. Life will never close one door to you without opening another, better one. Open those doors and embrace a new, shinning beginning, because happiness is your birthright.
If youāre interested in connecting with other INFJs from around the world, join Introvert Springās private INFJ forum. Youāll also gain access to unique INFJ log posts, a member directory, private messaging, and so much more. Go here to get a sneak peek inside the private INFJ forum.
How do you deal with INFJ heartbreak?
How much time do you need to heal? Please feel free to share your experience and thoughts in the comment section below, I would love to hear from you on this sensitive, but meaningful topic.
Love,
Marko
P.S. We’ll be doing an encore of the 6 Steps To Deal With INFJ Loneliness INFjam this Tuesday Nov. 7th. These INFJams are interactive webinars covering topics that matter to INFJs. Go here to join this Tuesday’s loneliness INFJam.
Thanks for highlighting this issue, Marko.
I wanted to share that even if the INFJ is on the other end of the breakup, the one doing the breaking up, it can be just as difficult and in my experience, even worse. Knowing that I broke someone’s heart and that the person would likely still want me if I chose to go back is excruciating. I feel I would be able to let go if they had been the one to leave because I would know for sure that it was over and I would feel to hurt to want to repair the relationship. I have been struggling for two and a half years with all of the 7 reasons you outlined in this article but from the perspective of the breaker-upper. I knew I had valid reasons to break up with the person when I did. There was no cheating or any necessarily bad event or behaviours that led to this. It just didn’t feel right anymore. But now I think about it almost everyday and wonder if we had just tried harder at it and if I had just worked at being happy with the relationship, maybe we could make things work. I think about the pros and cons of going back and can never come to let go. Above all I think about all of the hurt I caused and though I’m sure he and his family have healed since then, I still miss them like mad and sometimes hate (yes, hate) myself for putting them all through that. My INFJ ideals and perfection seeking tendency has severely impacted the two long term relationships I’ve had. I expect far too much and I truly wish I could settle with the overall loving and healthy relationship I’ve enjoyed and the one I am currently in. You often hear that you shouldn’t settle for a relationship but I know that I have thrown away a lovely relationship and am in the process of deteriorating another good relationship just because I expect my partner to be perfect in almost every aspect which is completely unfair to them. For once, I want to be happy with what I have and not seek the perfect relationship, job, living situation, etc. I just want to be.
You are most welcome Jacqueline. I’m sorry to hear you are facing this, and you are right, it’s not easy being on that other side, too. I hear you, but please don’t be so hard on yourself. As an INFJ, easier said than done, I know, but also know that you are worthy of love and respect, as well as being in a relationship that will feel good both for you, and your partner.
I can’t stop myself to think about him. It’s one year but I still break every night. And I never can stop myself. I just hope that I could see him in the next life….. In the sky.. or maybe heaven?:)
Thank you for this article. It really helps to know I’m not as alone as I feel. Still haven’t figured out a way(s) that helps me completely get through the pain. For me, writing a journal or poems really help. I spend alot of “alone time” thinking and thinking of ways to heal, feel better and cry. I feel like going our a bit might help too..
We INFJs are gems that only a few people recognize the value of. Sadly, it’s after the damage is done most of the time.
We have the kindest and most empathetic hearts.
We all will get through this pain one day.
Sending lots of love ā¤
We were both INFJs but had to let him go. It started off as friendship or so I thought that evolved into an almost relationship. It is sad to think that the person you thought you could trust, understand and accept you would be the one to give you so much pain and sadness.
Wow…sometimes I vacillate between INFP and INFJ. This article sealed the deal. I am a total INFJ. Going through a painful divorce 8 years ago…I could have written each of these paragraphs. Letting go was traumatic but it was the first step in healing and that took two long years. I still ache for what I call my illusion-of-
relationship. I was the only one deeply in love. She was my soulmate. I wasn’t her’s. She knew this and it hurt her deeply she could not “feel” for me, what she knew I felt for her. This causes frustration, upset at little things, wash, rinse, repeat. You can move on eventually and get beyond these moments. I am living proof. But it is a long hallway to stumble through to the next door.
I cannot imagine you you felt Steven, and I’m sorry you had to go through this painful experience… But you are right, it is possible to move on, difficult, but possible. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this, and I am glad the article helped you. š
Im glad men go through it too. Good to know not all men are not cold morally bankrupt b&?#$***s just the ones i date apparently. Lol
Thank you
Thank you Marko for this enlightening & truly honest account of what we go through. I could totally relate to each & every one of your points that you’ve made. I unfortunately didn’t really get the benefit of the lessons that I should have learnt from these heartbreaks, this is complex & due to a troubled childhood & dysfunctional foster family I didn’t have the support or the necessary building blocks to understand (learn all I needed to) or interact in relationships in a way that made them sustainable or long lasting, loving unions. The lessons though I hope I have learned, in my mid 50’s is most importantly self love & working with those that are struggling with disability, along with the need to go easy on ones’ self when a relationship that we think has legs for whatever reason comes crashing down on us. I remind myself that we can only put in as much as we can, the other person has to be a contributing force & for whatever reason they may or may not have, the strength or fortitude to commit to a relationship with our type of personality, this can be a romantic or friendship even family members. We always have to keep in mind we aren’t always the easiest people to be in any type of relationship with, as our intensity & our depth can be threatening for some or can be a bit just a little too much for others. I’ve found that my family relationships have pretty well failed as they can’t deal with me as an INFJ & that was something I never expected but, I wasn’t given much choice, & that for me is the most interesting thing about what we have to adapt too & cope with as INFJ’s, is that we are in many cases seen as hard work & yet we help support so many people. Yes heartbreak is probably the toughest challenge we face, but if we learn the lessons from our failures there’s always hope for better days down the track.
You are most welcome Lesley, I’m so glad you like the article. š And thank you so much for sharing this. Indeed, it really is hard, but there is always hope and a chance for a lesson.
Hi friend, I know exactly how you feel. There was once this girl who was in love with me. We didn’t know each other well but we were in the same class and she liked me a lot from a distance. I gave her a chance but she was extremely quiet so a real friendship never developed between us. Sadly, I was in love with another girl at the same time and so on graduation day when the girl who liked me came to me and told me she wanted to be with me, I told her that I had tried and it was too late because I was in love with someone else.
Funnily, things didn’t work out between me and the girl I liked and it’s been over 10 years and I still feel terrible about leaving that girl who liked me standing there rejected. I did give us a chance, I did try to talk to her and get to know her and I did leave her with a hug and an apology, but it never worked because she was too introverted and never opened up to me even a little. Maybe it was a cultural thing too since I come from a conservative country and she was from a very conservative family.
No matter what, I have carried the burden of what I did to that girl for over 10 years now. I tried to get in touch with her on Facebook but could never find her. I did once and wanted to write a long apology to her but I didn’t and then she left FB. I have regretted losing that opportunity for years and it still haunts me that I hurt someone so much and that I can never fix it again. I also wish I had tried harder and not given up on her and maybe we would have been happy together today.
No matter what we do, no matter how hard we try, we are the ones who always pay.
I agree with it being much worse if we’re the 1 breaking it off… Which is why I’ve never been able to do it.
I’ve imagined breaker their heart (after being the emotional initiator in the 1st place) and feeling like a sick monster that would never wanna hurt another person again.
I have been with this girl for the past 3 years. She has always been my bestfriend and i have always shared everything with her. We made plans together about the future. I had cut off everyone in my life because i was invested in her 100%. But she broke my heart and fell in love with another guy. It hurts me a lot because i thought that we were soulmates. I have been goijg through this pain alone and i am finding a hard time letting go of her. We still meet but she only agrees if her boyfriend is not available. I need help on what to do. This is my first heartbreak and it hurts alottt.
Hi Sui. I’m so sorry to hear about your first heartbreak. I hope you’re doing better now. But if you’re still in need of some help, my advice would be to find a creative outlet for your feelings. You can write a story where you express your feelings through the characters. Or you could write a poem or a song or paint a picture. Whatever your preferred medium, use it to let all those painful emotions out.
And if you’re not feeling very creative these days, try just writing a letter you never send. In the letter, tell this person everything you wish you could tell her in real life. You can destroy it later if you want. The idea is just to let out everything you’re feeling. Don’t hold back.
I hope this helps. All the best!
I don’t fall in love often, (or maybe just once in my life) but when I do, I go ALL out and become so fixated. It takes between 3-5 years for me to let go, even if I was never in a relationship with the person. I’m finally at the stage where I’m starting to let go of the unrequited friend I was in love with and who I lost my virginity to! But I spent almost 2 years stalking and harassing the person with endless emails, feeling crazy, yet not being able to stop myself! Now reading this, I relate so well!
Loneliness? Weird, I don’t identify with that. My greatest fear is that untruth and destruction are more prevalent in the world than truthfulness and love. In this case it’s because power is in the wrong hands. Selfish people have seized power, and good people – true leaders – have rolled over in submission to them instead of taking the power back. They just go on the internet to commiserate about how fundamentally weak and disempowered they are, they spin their wheels in the mud trying to “understand” it. Meanwhile the world burns. So my greatest fear happens to be a reality that I’ve lived with it my whole life.
Also high up on my list is the fear of persecution. I will hide my personality strategically as needed in order to avoid persecution, because I know I am too important and valuable to be persecuted by lesser individuals.
Loneliness happens to be a reality of my life (it’s a constant), but it doesn’t strike fear into my heart. It’s not even on my list. In my heart I know I am lonely because I’m on a completely different level than most people, and I simply do not need to be understood by others. Instead, emotional intimacy is one of my of fears, because it feels like a threat to my independence and self-sovereignty.
I should note that I have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, so naturally I think I’m more important than most people and that they are unworthy of being in my presence – in this case, it’s the truth. But I doubt that an INFJ with a secure attachment style would fear loneliness more than the next person. That sounds completely neurotic.
So hard to let go when you know the other person is your soulmate/lifemate.
It really is hard Kate, I agree with you. Letting go is hard by itself, and especially with that one person who means so much to us.
Dear Marko,
I’m 21 years old and I got out of my first and last relationship in April this year. I was so heartbroken and kept blaming myself and hiding these hurtful emotions from my friends, because I don’t want to worry them. I was mad at him and myself, but more at myself even though he used me and cheated on me 3 times. I kept forgiving him, because I had this future planned and I believed he was my soulmate, but the last time he cheated it hurt even more than the previous times due to the fact that I chose to fully trust him and hoped that it might show him how much he really meant to me. After the major heartbreak I went through a storm of mixed emotions and self-criticism. I had this unexplicable heartache that felt almost like my heart was being ripped to shreds every second and I feared it might never heal.
After a few weeks I tried to think of ways I could’ve prevented this and how we could’ve still been together. Then, months later I had a deep conversation with one of my close friends and she helped me to realize my foolishness and that I was only used by him for his own good. I still forgave him though, because I understand why he sometimes acted the way he did. But after about six months I started to slowly let go and to forgive myself for my own foolish actions during and after the break-up. Now, I feel like I can breathe again. I swam my way through emotions, allowing myself to cry, and eventually pushed my head above the waters and took a deep, long-awaited breath. I’m still not ready for a new relationship, but with time I’ll get where I want to be and maybe someone new would surprise me along the way.
Love,
an INFJ friend
I am humbled to read what you shared here, Deonne. I cannot imagine how you felt, and I am so sorry you went through this, but you made the right decision. Give yourself time to heal, one step at a time. You will find that special someone, it’s just a matter of time, that’s all, but also take care of yourself. You deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, and understanding. Thank you for sharing this!
I just had a first relationship at 24 and broken after 11 months by her just yesterday….I believe you can help me share my hurt right now because I can’t even explain myself..
I have felt what you feel and i pray that i find the strength to let go and be at peace with myself.
Hello Marko, I gave up a relationship last year after 38 years of trying to make it work – I’ve finally managed to label it a tragedy, meaning that no one is to blame, not even me. I realise now it was always an impossible feat, and I experienced everything exactly as you described. But how is failure measured failure, because I’m not sure it is one? We have two extremely well balanced children, and I wouldn’t change my history for the world. I have now met someone with her own very different history yet we’re intensely compatible. My new life is so completely different and the future has never looked better. For me, life has just started, and I’m 58.
Hi Clive! It is never too late to start a new life, and I am so glad to hear you made that decision, and that you’re enjoying it. š Also, everything that has happened to you, every relationship that hasn’t worked out, lead you to this moment where you accepted yourself, fully. There are no failures in life, only lessons that are different from what we want them to be. Even if it doesn’t work out, that’s all, but never confuse your actions with who you are, because you are who you choose to be. š Thanks for sharing this!
Personally I’m very good a disconnecting. When I begin to feel emotions coming over me I just literally unplug from it mentally. It’s hard to explain but it’s the wierdest thing about me. We’re super sensitive and emotional but I can be seen as callous and cold because of my ability to disconnect. It saves me from dwelling on painful things but it also prevents me from experiencing pleasure with other people.
As much as INFJ we can be caring, we can also be cold when that time comes, so I understand what you are saying Tony. It takes so much for almost anyone to make us reach that point all together, but when we do, it’s usually a Door Slam event in our mind.
Hi Marko..
Do infjs ever return to their love, soulmate/twin flames? Do they ever resolve?
I was in a relationship for 3 years where my infj refuse to talk about our issues until one day completely shut me out/door slam. But throughout the relationship continued to label us as best friends saying that she values friendship over a romantic relationships which is why she doesn’t want to label what we share… Even though we have been intimate since day one. I thought that infjs prefer to resolve their contentioms with you. What are your thoughts?
Thanks
Hi Jeal, yes, it is possible. If a Door Slam happened, it can be difficult, but not impossible. It’s vital you take one step at a time and not rush. If your partner is an INFJ too, you have to give them space to feel again comfortable with you. Patience is crucial. Sometimes, INFJs will DS without explaining, this happens. My thoughts are that if you want your partner back, slow and steady, give them space, and show them you care like you always did. š
Hi Marko, how can you show an INFJ that you care by giving them space at the same time?
Hi there! š
In an earlier post, you said āto be patient, go slow and steady, give them space and show them you care like you always did.ā
Iām just struggling with how to show I care and that Iāll be here for the INFJ if they are no longer communicating with me. I get the feeling this person may be overwhelmed by their own emotions.
Would it be okay to send a message simply saying āI hope all is well with you. I support you taking the time you need. Iāll always be here for you as a friendā? Or is it better to just go away for a while until they reinitiate contact?
(I am confused because I have noticed that INFJs tend to like it when you initiate contact with them but I donāt want to interfere with the processing of their feelings.)
Thoughts? š
Hi Carmen! Sending that message would be okay, but be careful, since INFJs need time to process things like this. We do love when people show to us they care though. š So, that message would be okay, but after that, let them process it and initiate contact. š
So accurate, I have had 3 serious relationships and it’s taken me more than two years after each to be able to take my heart back and move on. Never actually being open to the next relationship and quite surprised to meet someone else that gets my attention.
I am 6 months down from my last relationship and feel as though I loved him the most. At 50 it’s scary to think how long it will be before I am ready to open my heart again to love.
I love completely and deeply and it’s hard to move on even though it was the right thing to do.
Thank you for sharing this Lisa. it’s definitely not easy, far from it, but I commend you on your courage. Moving on is always difficult, but it’s sometimes necessary… You will be ready to love again, that I can assure you.
Sometimes we may seem to move on, because we have no choice, but that scar covers a wound that is still deep and raw. Even after 15 years, I am still affected by the love of my life casually dumping me after more than five years because he wasn’t “attracted” to me anymore. Never had an inkling he felt that way, and was totally and completely blindsided. It almost destroyed me. I now have severe trust issues, because I know that I cannot survive another heartbreak like that. I truly know what a broken heart feels like! Even though I am considered very pretty and successful, funny, intelligent, loving and kind-all those things- my insecurity runs deep. I am just so afraid of giving my heart and then being told I’m not enough again…Sometimes I just wish I could bounce back like a normal person, and not take things so to heart!
I can’t imagine Renae how you felt… But please know that there is nothing wrong in taking things to heart. That’s what makes you amazing! More people need to do this instead of just acting as if they don’t care. By all means, care. It will be painful sometimes, but I assure you, those deep emotions you have, they are the ones that make you uniquely amazing. š
Thank you for sharing this article. I can identify with and have experienced each of the 7 reasons too many times to count. At age 62, being a single gay man and a little overweight, it’s hard to believe that “One day, youāll meet the one who will give your book the main headline.” If I was 10 or more years younger than I am now, I would have taken some heart from your prediction. Maybe the Universe will yet surprise me.
You are most welcome Robert, I’m glad you like the article. The universe will surprise you, it’s not a question of if, and it’s not too late, only the matter of time, that’s all. š
I just had a breakup a few days ago. I can relate with whatever you have said here. I mean I couldn’t believe it was happening,that my girlfriend could leave me like this. And when I have given my all to her,thought that she is my soulmate,it’s hard to let go. And her reason for leaving me was that I don’t understand her. being an INFJ I always listen to people and understand them. So it was hard for me to believe that. Being a gay lady I don’t know if I will ever get the love of my life. I am 22 and and I hope my heart will be able to heal and I will cross path with someone who will appreciate and love me
I’m so sorry you went through this Suzie, I believe it was hard… But you will find that special someone again, I can assure you. Please know, there is nothing wrong with you, there never was. You are great, just the way you are! And you will find the person who will know to cherish that. š
You have answered an over thirty year old question for me with this article. When my husband walked out on me way back then, many(including my ex husband) could not understand why I wasn’t “getting over it” on their time frame. It began to make me feel like there was something wrong with me. I determined to take whatever time it took no matter what anyone else thought and now I am glad I did. I was just being my INFJ self!! š
I’m glad my article answered that question for you, Patty. Know that there is nothing wrong with you, there never was. You have a wonderful INFJ personality! š
Hi Marko, I really enjoyed this article and I found it perfectly true. We are sensitive with strong emotions that causes to get attached very quickly and a breakup is mostly devastating. I was like this before, a very little fight or breakup was and end for me but in recent years I changed. I think I’m feeling nothing and becoming more and more senseless about others, I rarely get attached to anyone and prefer being lonely and living on my own. This makes me worrying about myself, I don’t know if this is some kind of psychological immune reaction for my very sensitive personality or really something is wrong with me. What should I do? Should I try to turn on my emotions and get hurt again or live this miserable life?
Hi mahshid, thank you so much! I’m glad you liked the article. š There is nothing wrong with you, and never be ashamed of your emotions. Those deep feelings are what makes us INFJs so unique and amazing! So my answer is, be proud of your emotions and don’t hide them, regardless of how difficult sometimes it can be to show them.
One thing is for sure, I would never ever let myself down by a man especially a toxic kind. I would rejoice and be thankful that he’d gone in my life. Our life on earth is so short, we should live happily & not putting up by a fake and deceiving man. It is better to be alone than to have a man who will make us women miserable.
I agree Florisa that it’s better to be alone, than being in a relationship with a toxic person. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I’ve never written a comment on an article before, but I have to do it now, because I feel so touched and ironically seen and understood by someone I don’t even know. I want to express my gratitude and thank you. As an INFJ (and psychotherapist) who is facing this exact situation right now it means the world to me. Thank you for putting it into words and for the comfort that comes along with it.
You are so welcome! I’m honored and humbled you like the article, and that you can relate with what is written in it. š Thank you so much for your kind words!
Well interesting some of these things make sense to me. I have just gotten to this point where I am tired of competing .Just have found a place of comfort in my own self that giving away love that is not returned is outdated.I will only love once deeply in this way.Good points but like a song I heard once “Just cause I am alone doesn’t mean I am lonely.”
I’m glad to hear you are in a good place right now Stargazer. š And yes, I agree, alone doesn’t mean lonely.
I dated a guy on and off for about two years and really fell hard for him because I actually liked him (because I rarely find someone I actually like). We stopped seeing eachother close to 3 years ago but i still think about him and miss him! I really thought he was the one and I wanted to be with him so bad. I relate to the āitās all my faultā theory because I feel like I was the one who pushed him away because I was too available for him, Iāve since realized. And because I had my feelings hurt by him and didnāt know how to āuse my wordsā to tell him I was hurt. I had built major walls up around my heart, so when I was around him and I would often come off as bitchy! And then later realized why would he want to be around me if Iām such a bitch to him!
Thank you for sharing this Loren. Please don’t be so hard on yourself… But I believe you it’s not easy.
Thanks for the article Marko.
I feel that if there’s some sort of closure, that it might not be as bad. If the feelings are discussed and there’s a clear determination that it just wasn’t going to work, it can lesson the blow. Understanding goes a long way for me.
Also, I think it’d be MUCH harder for INFJ to go from a relationship to “can we still be friends?”. Because we’re all or nothing. I can’t imagine devouring a person’s entire being (as we tend to do) and then switch to casual friends, or even worse, close friends that will get little glimpses of what we once had.
You are most welcome, James! I agree with you. It’s all or nothing for an INFJ, and that change in a relationship or a friendship really troubles us, since we give so much.
I came across this article at the right time as I’m going through all 7 reasons you mentioned at this time of writing.
I have someone whom I’ve had deep romantic feelings for (she was my first love) for the past 5 years and I’ve been struggling with the pain of unrequited love ever since. We came to a compromise and became close friends, but the pain of knowing that we will never be more than just friends, in her eyes, hurts me deeply. This year, I tried to be more platonic around her (since she has a boyfriend), but just seeing her opened up too many emotional wounds and scars and I sunk into depression and insecurity. I then gave her a letter, explaining how I’ve been feeling and told her that I need to cut contact with her for a while. It was a painful decision to make, but I knew it had to be done.
I still hold on to hope that one day we will be reunited again, but right now I’m grieving at the (temporary) loss of someone who truly meant the world to me.
I’m glad this article came to you when you needed it, Dale. I’m so sorry you are going through this… I’ve been through this too, I know how it feels, and how much it hurts. Know that you are not alone.
Hi Marko,
Thank you for the great article.
My ex-boyfriend who is also a co-worker is an INFJ. I broke up with him just a month ago because I realize I just want a platonic relationship after a year of dating.
It was very hard every day to see him look depressed, alone and very cold towards me, while I still care and love him. I really want him to be happy again like he used to be when were dating.
How do I deal with him right now? Can I go from lover to genuinely platonic friend for him?
Hi Isobel, you are most welcome! You could share with him how you feel, but you would have to be cautious , as from what I’ve read you said he behaves in a really cold way… It’s possible, but just remember, you deserve to receive the feedback that you give. š
In dealing with my own kind of heartbreak too.
Someone meant a lot more to me than I realised and I inadvertently told him so only to have him reject me.
We had chemistry and there was attraction but he made it clear heās moving away and heās not interested.
I canāt get out of the misery pit and I hate myself for it. I also hate myself for telling him how I feel and creating this situation.
Iām texting him because some contact is better than nothing but he doesnāt really reply much.
Just hanging on for crumbs because I miss him so much and I just want a flicker from him that I matter and I donāt feel like I do.
I donāt think heād care if he we never spoke again and that is excruciating.
I understand you all too well… And what I’m about to say won’t offer much consolation, but as much as the current situation where he is moving away, and gives you only crumbs hurts, it will hurt less if you slowly, step by step, stop reaching out at some point. I will not lie, it will hurt, but you earned to receive that feedback from someone who will know know to appreciate it. I’m so sorry you have to go through this…
Thank you, Marko.
Youāre very kind.
And I fear, completely right. š
You are most welcome. I’m sorry once more you are going through this…
This really resonates for me. Thank you. I was alone for 15 years after a short emotionally abusive relationship, and I focused on figuring out who I was and what I wanted from life. I also convinced myself during that time that I didn’t need or want a man in my life – I wanted to be completely self sufficient and happy on my own. I dated here and there, but never went beyond a first date with men. I have very high standards, and depend a great deal on first impressions, and with my introverted nature just couldn’t bear to sit through more than one date if there was nothing drawing me to the guy. Fast forward to last fall – I decided I wanted to give it another shot. I ended up meeting a great guy through an online site. We are very different people, but I really liked him and enjoyed being with him. I was honest about my past and my need to take things slowly, and he had loads of his own baggage to deal with. Several times I had doubts and didn’t know whether my gut was telling me we weren’t a fit, or I was just afraid. Turns out, it was both. This past June he decided to walk away, saying that he just didn’t feel that he wanted the same things I want. But in the process of breaking up with me, I felt like all the things he said were attacks on who I am, that I wasn’t good enough, that it was because I was so closed off and afraid that he was walking away. I’ve spent the past few months going through all the stages of grief, and even though I know he was right and we really aren’t a good fit (I should have listened to my gut, but I just never trust what it’s telling me!) … I can’t stop thinking about him, and missing him, and crying over him. Where my alone time was always my refuge, now it’s become my time to open the floodgates. I’m sad all the time. I even went to counselor who told me that what I’m experiencing is normal. I know I was falling in love, and now I’m struggling to let go of all the hopes I had and – let’s be honest – the love itself. I’ve accepted we will never be anything more than friends, and while I’ve said I want to be friends I’ve also asked for my space and time to heal. He has been respectful of that and is leaving me alone. I just want the sadness to stop. I have this horrible ache inside that just won’t dissipate. I’ve even tried online dating again – just chatting with other men – but my heart isn’t in it and I can’t get interested beyond a few messages. It was only a six month relationship, but it feels like it was years given the way I’m feeling. I just don’t know what else I can do to let go. I’m going out with friends, I’m setting personal goals, I’m getting back to exercise … nothing works. It’s really horrible to feel this way.
I am so sorry this happened to you… š Please give yourself permission to feel how you want to feel. I know it’s not easy, but remember that you are not alone. This will pass, I assure you.
Dear Marko,
I don’t really now where to begin. It was a whirlwind romance and it felt like a “once in a lifetime” thing. It was surprising since we were both in our early thirties so had enough experience in dating but this was clearly different. We knew it from the moment we met. He is an INFJ, I, an ENFJ. We both had baggage from volatile previous relationships a year before. We were both suffering post relationship trauma. The timing wasn’t right but we still met and dated despite our best intentions to stay friends. It escalated to an intense romance very quickly. We discussed the future together and built dreams. After a few months, he began to withdraw due to, I believe, insecurities. There were many circumstances at play. Promotions weren’t happening, family issues and previous trauma, perhaps depression. The withdrawal really hurt me. He wrote me a letter when I tried to walk away saying that he believed that I was the one and there was no other. He tried to explain that he struggled with his demons everyday and he didn’t want that struggle to hurt someone as beautiful and perfect as me. He would miss me everyday, he said. He asked if he could still write to me. I didn’t understand what he wanted. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t fighting for me if he truly believed I was ‘the one.’ So I wrote back to him that it was because I truly valued what we had together that I was asking him for time apart to give us a real chance to mend. We could perhaps meet again in the future when we were both strong enough. It has been a few weeks and we have both been utterly silent. I miss him to agony every single day. I don’t understand how to love him and still value myself in this situation. I didn’t know who to turn to and you seem to know so much more than me.
I am so sorry you had to go through that… I believe it was so hard… For now, allow time to be your ally. Both for you and him. I am humbled you wrote this… be gentle to yourself during this time, and for now, allow time to help you, take as much as you need. I believe your paths will cross again, I am convinced they will. You got my full support!
Thank you Marko. You are so kind to take the time to send such a thoughtful reply. I believe in the wisdom of your advice. It was very encouraging. Truly caring for another is not easy and extremely rare. Only a few like the NFJ’s are insightful enough to know what that entails and hopefully strong enough to follow through. Your support was invaluable š Thank you again.
You are so welcome! I’m humbled to respond, thank you for your kind words too. š
Dear All.
I was with my dearest friend for two years, we are both Bisexual men in our early 30s and not out to anyone in our lives. We loved the fact that we could be ourselves with each-other and escape from our normal lives when we were together.
I am an INFJ and he is an INFP. He was the first person to ever understand and just ‘get me’ in life and I was the exact same for him. We had both felt completely lost in our lives before, which had many parallels and we both suffered from depression and anxiety as a result.
After meeting each-other, we became better people and we acknowledged the fact that the reason for our significant emotional growth and progress in our lives was each-other. Even our outlook in life, views on topics and taste in films and music was so similar. Rationally, it was the love I had yearned for all my life and I could not believe that I had found it within him; he said the exact same to me. Being rationalists and very skeptic of life and ātrueā love, we still believed we were soulmates.
However, four months ago he called me around to his house whilst he was drunk. We ended up falling asleep on the couch together and we almost got caught by a family friend who was about to enter the house. Luckily, I sneaked out but the experience has left him with crippling anxiety about being found out.
We had two years of nothing but happiness together; we never fought once and promised whatever happened, we would always remain friends for life. But after the incident, he told me that he had started to get negative thoughts about us being together and that we should not meet for the time-being.
It has now been four months since I have seen him. The pain I have felt in my heart over this time is indescribable. I have had to fight an array of emotions, from sorrow and shock to anger and jealousy. At the same time, experiencing the most crippling and darkest depression and anxiety I have had in all my life. I can’t believe I am still here on some days. But 4 months on, I am feeling much better.
I feel like I am no longer in love with him anymore, although I love him so very dearly still, more deeply than anyone in my life. And whereas before I was missing him and wanted to be with him every second of the day, I don’t feel this anymore. But I miss him so much in regards to the bond of friendship we had. I don’t know if this makes any sense; does it?
There are some days which are hard though. An example is when I went to watch A Star is Born with my brother last week and the love that the central characters shared was so similar to the relationship we had. That set me back for several days, severely. But overall, I feel more independent and calm. I’ve realised that the process of a breakup is not linear.
Now he is in a relationship with a girl (which he told me he would do when he broke up with me). The main reason being because he is 30, was suffering from anxiety (scared of being found out) and we both had reasons for why we could not be together presently. We were more best friends before things got serious, and I always wanted him to move on because I knew how lonely he was. We always said we’d be here for each other, knowing that we could not be together.
Soon after the breakup though, he became very distant and passive-aggressive so I decided to give him some space. i know he needed to deal with the pain too. We still initiated short, menial conversation from time-to-time.
Last month, after almost no contact for over a month (the only contact being him asking me how my weekend was and me responding with a platonic simple reply) I sent him the following message when I thought I was ready to.
“Hey *****, I wish you’re well bud and everything is in perfect balance. I’m sorry if I’m disrupting you in any way man; take care and as always don’t worry about responding or anything at all buddy:)”
To which he replied…
“I’ve been thinking about wording a long email of “thank you”. Everything good in my life is a direct result of your positive influence in my life. My confidence in different aspects of my life is down to you and you alone for encouraging me and your patience and wholesome goodness. I really mean it. We’ve both needed a bit of time to re adjust who we both are to each other and rebalance our lives but we need to be in each other’s life man. I have great affection and huge respect for you”
Following his message, we started chatting on Whatsapp (several messages a couple of days a week), keeping it platonic and mostly he is the one to initiate. I want to keep my distance because I don’t want to have a negative effect on his relationship with his girlfriend (although it is partially a sham relationship). But he does seem to be happy; he says life is great, although previously he had told me that he hates chasing women he does not have any interest in to keep up appearances and that a woman could not fully satisfy him. But then again, maybe he found ‘the one’ and if so, I’m just happy for him. All my emotions (including any initial jealousy) are eclipsed by my love for him and just wanting to see him happy, regardless of whether I am in his life or not.
But during the last fortnight, he has began to get distant again; I can feel it within my heart and through his texts and I don’t understand why??? I am just giving him some space again now.
What I want to ask is, after going through all the pain, is it best for me to let him back in my life again? I think I’m just worried about getting hurt again; is that just my anxiety that I suffer from? Also, what kind of ‘friend’ relationship would we have? We saw each other as our soulmate and he said that he still regards me the same as he always has. So what kind of relationship would we or should we be having, so that I don’t get hurt and his relationship with his girlfriend is not affected? Is there anything I should watch out for?
I keep thinking whether I should ‘doorslam’ him but this goes against my core beliefs in life.
I apologise for the length of this comment; I thank you sincerely if you took the time to read any of it.
Any reflection would be much appreciated.
Thank you Sam for sharing this, really. I believe you should do what you feels is right and to follow your intuition. “I keep thinking whether I should ādoorslamā him but this goes against my core beliefs in life.” You gave yourself the answer here. Do what makes you feel fulfilled and what will give you peace, not just right now, but in the long run too.
Thank you Marko for your trully words of wisdom??
You’re right, I’ve been contemplating shutting him out but I guess that’s just my body’s self defence. My heart and soul just want to continue loving him without any conditions or needing anything in return.
I still can’t understand it, I fee like I’m normally quite a selfish person but with this one person, something just tells me he is worth the pain amd struggle.
I guess it’s easy to love someone when everything is rosy; it’s times like this that trully test our love.
Looking back, I’m actually proud of myself for loving someone like this. It feels like I have actually acomplished something in life; material things, career and such don’t do much for me in regards to assesing the quality of my life. It’s about great relationships for me.
Thank you again.
I wish you well and the small joys of life.
You are so welcome Sam! Thank you so much for your kind words. š
You know.. if an INFJ lost an ENTP… it’s so painful:’)š
I had ( or have as she is 99% in my heart still) an amish gf ,who loved (or still love) me too. Last winter my momās fall down from wheelchair and i was up and down in hospital till march 7th they killed her in Hospital! Because not caring right!
I had some arguments with my gf during this times mostly regard kindness that was because different of our native culture ( im Iranian who grow there mostly), at may 11th both of us had more expectations and for first time i said many of her negatives, and broke her cellphone ( that i gifted to her) , in a min i said am so sorry and i will go to buy it,… unfortunately she called police and they arrested me and she made very bad flony case for me because she lied to police and her bad and jealous friendās who did not like me they help her more negatively. I got restraining ordered and this most stupied law of the usa didnot let us have any peace. Both of us was so upset , i hospitalized because high depression and lost near 30k$ and risk of deportation.
Last weeks i emailed her lawyer and asked her as your sweetheart and conscience please help me to not loosing my citizenship, she listen and talk with court and finally they reduced my charges very very good that i have to be very happy of it, but they give me 10 years restraining ordered!!!!! 10 years! I start to cry in court for hours that which kind of law, which kind of kindness, compassion, peace the system is teaching, i just extreme love her that most partners can not reach that,
In my experience this infj is not cold, she is naive who listen to negative friends more than some one who is caring her over ( am esfj) and the stupid law dosenot even refer the two person min a mediator. Sorry , i learned in a materialistic area real love dose not have meaning! Job and money is main tools! People change their partners with small accidents just like their cars! They kill emotion of humanity
One reason I’m here because it’s been 2 years and I’m still stuck with the feeling. The 7 reasons does reflect my emotions but I don’t think there would ever be enough words to actually describe how profound an INFJ heartbreak is. We suffer in silence. Screaming and playing and replaying scenarios in our head from the past, the future and what could have been. Holding back your tears is one of the toughest battle. It felt like I had to move mountains to stop myself from crying. I remember keeping everything bottled up for 4 months and suddenly someone miscalled my ex’s name and all emotions just flowed. I cried and that’s the only time everyone actually saw how brokenhearted I was.
2 years later and I felt I never truly moved on. I avoided questioning myself. I stopped thinking because I don’t want to feel sorry and pity myself. Sometimes I dream of him coming back.. or just magically meet someone who will save me from the heartbreak. But yes, I do question and fear if there’s ever going to be someone else who will connect and be interested to know me.. to connect to me in a much much deeper level. It’s hard to find a person like that for an INFJ. So it’s live lone life or love in your mind until that someone comes along.
Dear Marko
I am 46 years old and only recently discovered that I am an INFJ. During my lifetime I was always misinterpreted misunderstood, always felt alienated like I don’t fit in anywhere, all the traits of an INFJ, but never knew this. I got divorced in 2012, a lifetime together of 20 years. during this time of despair I met a friend whom I believed was my sole mate, we became lovers and then started a relationship. We know one another for 10 years and was in a relationship for 8 years. He left me in November last year. I planned a perfect life for us and in my heart I felt that he understood me, he was my place of comfort, I felt at ease in his presence, like I knew he was my sole mate. He recently told me that he never felt about me the way I felt about him, he has always forced the relationship. do you have any idea dealing with the breakup and having to deal with this information how deep in pain I am? Thus, I m thankful for this article to bring light upon my darkest hours of despair, just knowing that I am not alone and there are other people out there whom understand my pain and why it is taking me so long to heal. Thank you
Dear Marko,
I really found your content relatable, and really your way of writing is really elegant along with it your words embraces the true emotions. It was like I am getting a therapy session. I am not an avid reader and its the first time i am commenting on a blog, you just made me do it. Dear marko, i really want to hear more of your writings and subscribe to your personal content. Your words heal a piece of my heart dude. Thank you so much for this, i really appreciate your work and keep up good work. From an INFJ to another take care dear sayonara.
Thank you for this well thought out article. Yes, we love deeply when we finally open our hearts and let someone in. My soulmate and I broke up over 7 years ago, and Iām still trying to recover from the pain and loss.
As an INFJ, it was very helpful for me to read this. My boyfriend recently broke up with me and I feel like the world is falling apart. This was the first man I fell in love with after being in a long term relationship and it was going great. I finally met someone who understood me, liked me for who I was, and didnāt think I was weird for being myself. The reason he ended it was because he believed he couldnāt devote time to our relationship because of work and felt guilty and felt like a failure as a boyfriend. Even though I was empathetic and validated his feelings, prioritizing his feelings before mine, he didnāt want to try. My thoughts are everywhere and I canāt stop thinking about reasons why he probably broke up with me. Iām thinking of ways to fix it since itās an easy solution. Iām catastrophizing that I will never find someone like him again. And I am being very critical to myself for letting myself fall in love, letting someone in just to have my heart broken, again. I keep feeling that I did everything right and yet itās not appreciated or good enough. Iām trying to cope with the pain as I feel broken. I definitely need to write my feelings and let them out. At first I dealt with the pain by myself because I donāt like bothering others but when I reached out to friends, I was surprised of how much they cared about me and they definitely shared some words that demonstrated my value and the need to be with someone who will value me. I just keep thinking the whole situation is unfair because he seemed perfect and I was the happiest Iāve been. With this pandemic Iām just trying to find ways to distract myself. My happy place is the beach at night and I canāt do that right now, or hike. I hope Iām able to get through this pain soon.
I was in love and after 2 years (on and off) he broke it off and moved away, there was a lot of underlying issues and feelings on his side were waning, now after 8 years I realize the trajectory of our lives was going in opposite directions. In short, it wasn’t meant to be.. however nothing compares pain-wise to that heartbreak, I truly believed we were going to be together forever. I had never met anyone who I could let into my heart so deeply and to me, he was perfect. He came out of the blue and so smoothly almost effortlessly invited himself into my heart- He was a deep thinker and feeler and we clicked and it was almost surreal. He was my first kiss, boyfriend, love. The connection felt so deep and there were times I sat on my bedroom floor in utter silence and hurt, eyes swollen from crying, thinking about what was lost, believing I would never have anything like that – the bar felt too high. It took years for me to heal from it- familiar music, places, shows were like stabs to my heart…. But… I’m thankful for where I am now and for what that chapter meant for my life story – I know the pain showed me myself in a way I wouldn’t have discovered otherwise and I look forward to making a deep connection again.. to be in love again, God willing.
45 years. It took me 45 years. It’s when I finally knew my self worth that I saw the things in perspective. Very recently, so still confused but I know that it’s finally over.
The story is too long to write down here, it’s a book and even more.
Thank you for your posts, they are very good š