INFJs are champions of overthinking. No matter the situation, we’ll overthink and analyze it. It’s impossible for us to stop thinking and shut down. However, INFJs are also gold medalists at over-loving. INFJ love is deep and intense. There’s no middle ground for the INFJ personality. It’s all in or nothing at all for us.
It’s impossible for an INFJ to bring our mind to a complete stop. For the same reason, no matter how many times we get hurt, INFJ love is like a candle that will always shine with warmth and safety. That’s why I always say…
I overthink, but I also over-love
Balance is often mentioned as a good way to approach every emotion, including love. Well, you can forget about that with INFJs. We are either incredibly warm and caring, or cold as ice. There’s nothing in between. A fact I know all too well.
My ex-girlfriend told me a few years back that she could not handle my deep emotions. That wasn’t the only time when I heard that statement. But this one was different for one reason.
The feeling “I’m not worthy” followed me for months after her words. I doubted myself to the point where even the things that made me happy, such as playing video games and stargazing, felt empty and meaningless. The main culprit for this was, of course, overthinking.
Back then, I failed to see my uniqueness and that not everyone will be able to handle my complicated, but authentic nature. I overthink, but I also love with such an intensity that even I don’t know how to handle it at times. I’m a fierce believer that the right people will never question or reject the INFJ love we so selflessly give.
Celebrate your caring nature
Don’t you dare drown out your emotions because of someone else’s inability to see them, dear. Instead, celebrate your INFJ love.
Respect the boundaries you receive and give. The INFJ love you share with others is a beautiful thing, but you also need to respect how others feel about it. This is crucial for having that deep bond and understanding we so crave. But there’s a catch.
INFJs believe that over-loving is the main cause of abandonment. It’s not. The truth is, overthinking causes more problems and abandonment than love ever will. I know how you feel about loving too much, and I know what goes on in that beautiful mind of yours. That’s why I’m here to tell you a little secret.
Overthinking has its purpose
Overthinking can help you discover hidden problems you couldn’t notice otherwise. It can also improve a friendship or relationship by encouraging you to solve certain issues. Speaking of improvement, whatever you may think, know that your loving INFJ nature doesn’t impede the quality of your connections. What you need to do is always…
INFJ love is deep and unconditional
Regardless of the feedback, don’t stop loving those closest to you. Make no mistake, you will overthink their actions and words. But this is who we are. I believe few things are more powerful than INFJ love.
Throughout life, INFJs are humiliated, mocked, and abandoned. This is why we overthink so much when we see someone as a potential friend or partner. We even go as far as that we swallow our beliefs if that will make that person smile, even for a second. Some would say that’s bad, but I don’t think so.
So in case you’re struggling to remember it, here’s a gentle reminder.
Don’t think for a second that your caring nature makes you less lovable. Honor the boundaries you receive, because they will help improve that friendship or a relationship. Hell, continue overthinking, as you share you INFJ love with someone special. But whatever you do, please, love yourself as well. <3
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What are your thoughts?
What are your thoughts on the INFJ love? Do you love without restraints, or do you approach it carefully? I would appreciate to hear your opinion on this, so feel free to have your say in the comment section below. ☺
This article made me cry. I feel understood. I feel loved. You have no idea how much I needed this. I overthink and over-love. So much. So true.
I feel like you touched a piece of my restless soul and gave it peace, saying it’s okay to be myself – thoughts, feelings, and all.
The right person will see beyond the overthinking, to find a loving warm heart only wanting to purely love them fully, in the thick of the chaos.
Thank you. Really. <3
You are so welcome Heather. 🙂 Thank you so much for your lovely, kind words, and for everything you wrote here! I’m humbled to read it.
Thank you Marko for sharing this real understanding around something as delicate & as profound as these observations are. I lost track of the amount of times that I was accused by ex-boyfriends & fiancee of “overthinking things,” I carried the guilt around this for so many years as we INFJ’s inevitably would. I started studying holistic therapies, starting with Art therapy, progressing onto the Batchelor of Counselling, this helped me realise that I didn’t have a problem, that it was the way things were for me, but that I could use my traits to help not only myself but support others, for me it was a natural fit. In reference to the over-loving, emotional compensation part of this piece, I was fostered then adopted as a young child, by the most dysfunctional family, available which led to some of the most difficult years in my childhood. I was put in a situation where I was manipulated into agreeing to adoption (as a young child of 8) I can still remember the time not long after the adoption papers had been finalised & my adoptive parents took me & my siblings out to the country to visit a distant relative, (prior to immigrating to Australia) we were walking along a beautiful country lane in autumn, I was upset about something, “I think it was about not seeing my biological father again who’d been a constant in my life since I was born”. I still remember my adopted Mother pulling me vigorously to the side & shaking me & saying, we don’t do emotions in this family, you’re going to have to deal with that fact,” The only thought that came into my head at that moment was “why did you bother to adopt me in the first place, when you knew who I was?” In hindsight after much pain & anguish it was clear that they wanted a girl come hell or high water & they didn’t care about how this would affect me, anything else was meer irrelevance, the situation revolved around what their needs were & that they were being met, which was about having balance within their family. So you can imagine as an INFJ, how I struggled to cope with the changes & the torment that was visited on me as a teenager, through bullying (because I was different) also living in a patriarchy, with highly narcissistic traits running through the male side of the family. For me though these experiences have taught me empathy & awareness around others & their situations, to help those who need support & encouragement to move forward & be brave when this isn’t always the easiest of approaches to take. So yes we overthink & to a degree overlove, but I would suggest once we embrace these “faults,” we can utilise them not only for our own benefit, but of others that are in need of real love & caring….
I have only recently begun seeing my sensitive nature as an infj as a plus.
My family would often tell me “you’re too sensitive” and for the longest time, I treated those words as if something was wrong with me.
Guess what? I am glad to say that I can sit and listen to someone in a rather empathic way. I have deep quality relationships and I am great at reading how others are feeling. I wouldn’t want to change these things! The world needs INFJ’s and hope that everyone reading this knows this.
Oh how very true, in fact more true than we sometimes realise.
Thanks Ken! 🙂
Most people have their defenses up when it comes to love, and those defenses grow stronger after each bad relationship so I think even the right person will react to the intensity of INFJ love with defensive skepticism because it seems too good to be true. Our challenge is being able to recognize the difference between the right people whose boundaries we need to respect because they’re defensive and the wrong people whose boundaries are actually barriers and who never will appreciate or be able to handle full on INFJ love. We need to be patient with the right people, especially if they’ve been hurt before, until they realize that our love is actually real and not a lie. That’s the part I have trouble with, being patient while someone slowly realizes that you’re sincere and not a con man.
Well said Dave! You made some great points here and I fully agree with them. 🙂
Guilty to both, I did have to navigate a great friend’s boundaries but he is now seeing the beauty of our differences. I am still not sure of his personality type because he hasn’t the interest like I do but he has learned to accept & appreciate my crazy love & knows it’s not something to fear or run from, it’s how I love everyone, fully.
I’m glad to hear Karen that these boundaries helped you and your friend have a a better understanding and acceptance. 🙂
Hi Marko, I’ve been struggling recently with establishing relationships in a new environment and this post couldn’t have come at a better time for me. Your articles always resonant with me. Thank you and please keep them coming! Best, Chris
I’m glad to hear the article found it’s way to you Chris at the right time. 🙂 Thank you so much for your support! 🙂
You are so spot on, as always. Well, I suppose a fellow INFJ would always agree that your words ring oh so true in our ears:) I have found that the intense, deep love I have the capacity of giving has been a blessing in my relationships with my children and husband. I have forged very strong bonds with each of my children and as a result, they feel unconditionally loved and share openly with me. As two of my kids have graduated from college and moved away, there has been an emotional void on my end because I have been so close to them. I must remind myself often that it is every parents goal to see their children as autonomous people….it is just harder for an INFJ mom to let go.
Thanks so much Nicole! I’m glad you see this intense love and care as a strength. 🙂 It is more than obvious to me that you kids can be proud of their mom. 🙂
My husband and I are looking forward to starting our own family soon, and I have always wondered how my INFJ personality would affect my relationship with our children. I have found, like you, that it has helped me to establish a very deep, loving bond with my husband. I hope I can say the same as you about having such a bond with my children. I have always dreamed, like I’m sure most INFJs have, that my children would find me understanding and approachable. I hope that they are able to share openly with me.
I am sure that your children will always remember and appreciate the love and openness that you have shown them.
All the best!
Hi Nicole. I find myself actually freaking out about my son getting older. he’s only 13, but I have anxiety about whether I’m doing enough to send him out on his own as a productive member of society in the near future. At the same time I don’t want him on his own. I just want my sweet little baby back. I wonder if the anxiety is normal mom or for infj behavior
For sure, my nature to overthink has caused me trouble in some relationships. However, I think it depends on the personality of the person you are in a relationship with. Fortunately (if you can say that), my husband also tends to overthink. So I find that we are able to understand each other’s concerns because we’ve most likely been analysing the situation to the same depths. It can be dangerous to have two overthinkers, I guess, because there is no-one to check the other sometimes. It can also be helpful.
That understanding really can make a difference, Zainab. Glad to hear your husband understands you and vice versa. 🙂 Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I think these reasons are also Why I prob won’t love another again the way I did before. the way I felt about that person doesn’t come easy and one heartbreak is enough for me.
I hope you do find that love again, K… But I believe you it was far from easy…
I still have so much to figure out and explore about my personality and i am so appreciative to have your advice in the midst of all the chaos.. Overthinking is terrible for me because along with being shy or uninterested it can tend to blow things out of proportions as i’m sure many of you would know. it can make me feel awkward at times even but i guess i just need to try to meet people who are ok with that and wont be as judgmental about it.
You are so welcome Jacob. 🙂 I fully understand you regarding overthinking… It can create problems that never were there in the first place, I know… But you are not alone, and you got my support. 🙂
Oh so much this.
I rarely find someone who flicks that switch in me but when I do….
And I constantly worry as I’ve been told I’m over the top in the past.
I decided to attempt to tell a colleague who was leaving that I had v strong feelings for him in a card but was rebuffed.
Now I’ve just retreated straight back in my shell after getting v defensive and claiming I never meant that at all. I just ‘admire’ him.
I don’t know if he believes me but …
We shared a kiss before he left but now he says he regrets that due to my feelings.
I’ve done nothing but let it eat me up for the last few weeks and more than anything just feel stupid for opening up like that and ruining everything.
I miss him. I miss the feelings. It sucks.
Never regret opening up your emotions and feelings. That’s one of the bravest things you can do and I admire you for it. Sometimes they will be reciprocated, sometimes not, but please know that you did nothing wrong by opening up and telling him how you feel.
Thank you, Marko.
You’re very kind:
I keep telling myself that and I wish I could believe it. But mostly I just wish I could forget him. 🙁
It’s just so sad I don’t know how my special someone feels about the INFJ love I give. I was ghosted and never really knew the reasons were.
I’m an INFJ struggling with this at the moment. I had a huge breakup that tore me apart back in 2017 after being with someone for 8 years who I really loved with every fibre of my body. I’m in a new relationship now after two years of trying to heal and I’m really trying to fight against the overthinking, over planing and trying to take a step back from over loving. I feel I turned into a really toxic person doing that in my last relationship and I wasn’t like myself at all. I’m trying to regulate my overthinking, over loving and all in this relationship but it’s a struggle haha and trying to go with the flow of this relationship as it’s more casual then I’m used to.
Thank you for your article. I’m in my late 40’s and have been deeply struggling lately with wondering why I’m here, why hardly no one “sees me”, and why everyone seems to leave. Most recently one of my closest friends is giving me the silent treatment because I have a different opinion than him, and he feels by expressing it, I’m telling him that he’s not, which I clearly explained that I valued his views but had my own. In the last few years, I lost my mother, gone through a terrible divorce from a man who neglected his children and me, and I’ve been dealing with health problems. My doctor is narrowing it down to Lupus. I feel like I can barely think clearly or hardly hold on anymore. Your article made me feel like I’m not alone, that maybe underneath all my pain, someone will see all of the love. And yes, I have a therapist.