If you’ve been desperately researching dating tips for introverts, you know that the struggle is REAL for quiet types like us. After all, dating can be beyond frustrating for introverts—especially since you aim most of that frustration at yourself.
You get down on yourself for being too guarded. You wonder, “Why can’t I just be loose and fun on dates?” Of course, this kind of self-criticism only exacerbates the problem.
Just like when pushy extroverts try to bully you into being outgoing—bullying yourself never works. It creates a vicious cycle of criticizing yourself for not being open enough, and then shutting down even more.
I totally get it. As an introvert myself, and a coach who has helped hundreds of clients and students date with confidence, I’m well versed in the challenges introverts face on dates:
- Energy drain and overwhelm
- Feelings of unworthiness
- Pressure to be “on” all the time
- A tendency to put up walls
Today, I’d like to zero in on that last one. Because if you’re anything like most introverts who come to me, opening up is a challenge for you.
Most of my clients want dating tips for introverts that go beyond generic advice like “plan your questions ahead of time”.
They tell me that they feel stiff and guarded during the dating process. Of course, they know they “should” open up and be vulnerable, but it feels overwhelming.
We introverts take more time to feel comfortable around someone new. We’re not usually the first to get emotionally ‘naked’ in a relationship. And that’s not a bad thing.
But you might want to let your guard down and open your heart a bit sooner. Instead of freezing up and even pushing someone great away, you’d like to feel comfortable getting close at your own pace.
That’s why I’ve put together introvert dating tips to safely let down your wall and truly connect.
Dating tips for introverts who put up walls
Master your state before the date
If you have a tendency to feel stiff and closed off on dates, this tip is for you. Because here’s the thing…
The physiological and mental state you’re in beforehand has a huge impact on how you feel on a date. For example, if you come straight from work, and you’re still in analytical introvert mode, it’s going to be hard to feel relaxed and open.
Consciously put yourself in the right state by doing things that make you feel good. I recommend sensory and movement activities like baths, yoga, dancing, and exercise. Doing a breathing or visualization exercise can also help.
Drop all judgment
Do you go into dates in judgment mode? From the moment the date begins you’re assessing and analyzing the other person to figure out if they cut the mustard.
Or maybe you judge yourself. You’re constantly thinking about how you’re coming off.
This cesspool of judgmental thoughts creates an atmosphere of, well…judgment. And that doesn’t feel good for either of you.
Instead of being present and accepting (two major ingredients for connection) you’re in your head. Worst of all, the person can feel you judging them. And this makes them shut down as well.
That’s why an essential dating tip for introverts is to drop all judgment during the date. You can process and analyze what happened later on when you’re by yourself.
I know you might be thinking that a first or second date might be too early to set boundaries…or that boundaries are not your issue. I get it. I thought that too until I started seeing the sly ways that men were pushing my boundaries. Case in point:
I once went on a few dates with a man who came on very strong. He seemed like a wonderful person, and I liked him, but by the third date, he was very touchy and in my face and it was making me feel incredibly anxious.
Instead of pushing him away like I normally would have, I decided to just be honest with him. I said that I liked him, but he was coming on a bit strong for me and asked if he could dial it back a bit as we got to know each other.
And guess what. He did NOT like that. He immediately went cold and said we weren’t right for each other. His overreaction to me setting a boundary confirmed that we were indeed not a match.
The point is, when you express your boundaries in healthy ways, the right person will respect them. And the WRONG person will stop wasting your time. The dating process will become more authentic and you’ll feel safer opening up.
Say what you want
There is so much confusion within the modern dating process. It seems like the ‘rules’ are always changing. It’s hard to know what people want. Heck, it’s hard to know what YOU really want.
Now more than ever it’s important to be able to identify and express what you desire.
What do you want in terms of…
- A relationship (casual but respectful, committed, open to anything)
- How you want to be treated
- How you want to be touched and kissed
- How you like to communicate (via text or calls)
You’ll be surprised at how eager people are to give you exactly what you want when you’re willing to simply ask for it.
I hope you found these dating tips for introverts helpful! If you’re looking for more steps to improve your dating life, grab one of my free gifts:
You deserve to have the love, connection and companionship you desire. Why not try something different and follow introvert-specific steps to meet the right person?
Lots of love,