The decision to resort to a Door-Slam is one of the hardest moments an INFJ will ever face. This is our last resort, our absolute limit. When we do it, we don’t look back. At that point, we are done. This is our ultimate defence mechanism.
My parents said to me once: “Protect yourself from harm. Always. Help anyone you can, but decide which person is going to be worth your time.”
These words still echo inside my head. They find their way to the surface when I am forced to do the INFJ Door Slam.
Many INFJ’s will, and quite often have resorted to the Door Slam. Our personality makes us caring, supportive, emotional, and loving. We will move mountains for those we cherish the most. We will swallow our pride. Simply put, we will do everything we can to sustain a friendship or a relationship. But even we have our limits.
Crossing the limit
A few years ago, I had a friend who was someone I couldn’t imagine living without. She was my biggest support. But as time passed, lies and deceptions began to occur for no particular reason. All of a sudden, I found myself in a toxic friendship that was influencing me in a terrible way …
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Forgive… forgive everyone O my fellow INFJs…
Indeed, your hearts deserve peace.
With or without us, it doesn’t really matter.
Someday they’ll know that you love them and that is enough.
You are right Udin, forgiveness is one of INFJ’s greatest strengths. 🙂 Our hearts do deserve peace, and protection as well. 🙂
“What is destined will reach you, even if it be beneath two mountains.
What is not destined will not reach you, even if it be between your two lips.”
– Imam Ghazali –
http://topislamic.com/30-quotes-imam-ghazali/
Great quote surya. 🙂 Thanks for sharing! 🙂
I always thought it was just something about me. Actually, I didn’t even have it articulated or clear in my mind that this is what I do. Thank you so much for this article and for this website. It is life-changing for me!
After years of giving empathy and receiving none, forgiving and forgetting, etc. and having this be taken advantage of, I did the door slam in two major relationships. It was liberating and lightening.
This article confirms for me that I did try everything else first. Everything in this article is so accurate!
Thank you.
Thank you Catherine1000 for you kind words! I’m so happy to hear you liked the article, and that it helped you so much. 🙂
I believe those Door-Slams weren’t easy, but know that I support your decision, and can completely relate to your feelings of liberation, and lightening.
You are most welcome, thank you once more. 🙂
This book embodies the INFJ approach to life, I think. It’s about being strong on the inside, at your core, and gentle on the outside. It’s not about war so ignore the misleading title:
Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior
Thanks for sharing Catherine1000. 🙂
How do we get an introvert back that has “slammed” a door to someone?
I still love my ex, and I can tell there is something still there between us, but they have stopped communication and its very monotoned when we do chat. He’s never liked talking on the phone, so we always communicate via text. He usually tells me things after the point to where it has bothered him to death before I know anything about it and have a opportunity to change. We have been on & off for the past 7 months now, after a very intense and loving year and a half. WIll he ever come around ? He is definitely worth the fight, I just want to know if I am wasting my time.
From what I read here, I think there is still a chance. It’s extremely hard to regain someone who has “Door-Slammed” us, but it’s not impossible. A huge effort is required in order to regain that persons trust. I’ am sorry to hear this happened, but like I said, it’s possible to “revert” it. If you believe there is a slightest chance that you can be together again, if you are getting an positive feedback, no matter how small it may seem, don’t give up. Talk, be there for him, listen, one step at a time regain his trust by being there, prove him that Door-Slam shouldn’t have happened by regaining his trust slowly, do not rush. I hope you will succeed, know that you have my support. 🙂
Thanks Marco! The article sums up perfectly what i know ive done unconsciously, or rather been forced to do, in major toxic relationships in the past. Hearing i was cruel was hard, but not as hard as putting myself through the pain of those relationships again. Thank you for sharing and explaining so clearly.
You are most welcome, justanotherinfj! 🙂
great. good to know this:)
Thanks hamid! 🙂
Skip down past the next two paragraphs to the actual question if it’s too much reading!:
I door-slammed on friends that I thought would support me after a relationship ended, especially as they were friends with the both of us. Neither of us did wrong and it was a mutual break-up, and while I know they were being sensitive of my ex, they chose not to support me any further after I got into a new relationship (half a year later). I ended up feeling extremely upset, especially since I saw they were active online, and yet never reached out to me or showed any support for me. I was very disappointed, since I had been close friends with them throughout high school and college, and so after explaining my story, letting them know I still cared about them, and then not receiving any support, I finally closed the door on them without so much as saying a word (a period of about 5 months).
I wish it had never turned to such a harsh response from my end, but it hurt whenever I saw them commenting on other people’s relationships and then never even giving me even a simple “like.” It ended up feeling as if they didn’t care, and it hurt more than I could have imagined at the time. When I at last closed the door, I still felt pain, but having “given them more chances than I should’ve,” it felt final and I felt that I had finally found some peace.
*The reason for my response though is that lately I have been wondering if other personality types would do something similar to the INFJ door slam as well. I am aware it wouldn’t apply to everyone out there, but once people are done with each other, isn’t it somewhat human nature to protect yourself and stop the pain someone else is causing you? I’m curious as to everyone’s thoughts on this. What are your thoughts and experiences?
Thank you for sharing this, Jen. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that… I think that every personality type has it;s own door slam, but I consider our own unique, because of the fact that we are so loving and caring , but when someone repeatedly hurts us, an INFJ shows a coldness that is rarely seen with any other personality type. When we do the Door Slam, that person doesn’t exist for us any longer. It sounds harsh, but it’s sometimes the only way to protect ourselves.
i am going through something with a friend that i considered very dear to me before and i’m not sure what to do. i came here in hopes reading this would help me make a decision but my heart is still not settled… basically, i have had this friend for over a year now and she was special and important to me but she has been repeatedly hurting me and showing very little consideration for my feelings while being unreasonably unfair when i do anything that hurts her even if i wasn’t doing anything wrong. basically that has been our relationship, very one sided. i have always to be the bigger person, to forgive her and not do anything petty in return when she hurts me because i don’t want to upset her or lose our friendship. however, it’s getting out of hand. today, i did something that she was mad at even though she had done the same to me before and had no right to be angry at (it’s not even something important, it’s such a trivial thing) but, because of it, she has unfollowed me from social media and refused to make a compromise when i reached out to her, so we would both be comfortable again. all my other friends tell me to drop her as a friend, to let her go because things have grown toxic. the thing is i’m not sure i’m ready to do it without looking back and not regretting it. there’s still a bit left of forgiveness inside of me and i just… am wondering if there is anything that could make the decision to make a door slam to be easier. should i listen to my friends or give her another chance?
From what I read, you did all you could. You gave it everything you got to save this friendship, and I believe that is enough. You earned to be treated with the same respect that you give to others. Don’t listen to anyone, listen to yourself! if you feel that this friendship can be save, then give it one more chance. if you feel overwhelmed, then it’s time to move on. Just make sure that it’s your decision, because only you know how you feel. You have my full support. 🙂
Thank you Marko for unveiling the trials and tribulations unique to INFJs and their solitary journey. I have lived longer than most of your readers; and, I can tell you from personal experience, to be an INFJ is a challenge. Ironically, though … when I see all the disruption globally I almost fear that it will be the ‘groundedness’ of INFJs that will bring calmness and resolutions. Factoring there are few of us, it may feel as though we are swimming up Niagara Falls. Nothing comes easy … so, if I may, I will share what little pearls of wisdom I have learned. An INFJ MUST follow their heart and not allow others to negate or dictate what they should or should not do. Yes, of course, take in counsel of others as long as it is offered with thoughtfulness or consideration. There is the rub. I have found that 99% of the people I have dealt with in life have their own agendas and you truly don’t know if they want you to succeed or want to see you fail. Personally, an INFJ must consider the numerous positive traits they have …. mindfulness, kindness, respect, awareness and oodles of other positive goodies. But, because we are so hard to understand, selfish people don’t want to take the time to just be quiet and listen for a change because in quite a few instances, it is more about them than you. An INFJ’s kindness makes them a golden opportunity to take advantage of and most relationships are one sided. So ….. an INFJ must respect themselves FIRST because if they don’t, no one else will. You are either on the cross or pounding in the nails. Personally, I would rather be alone with God than dance with the devil and continually have to deal with individuals who are so insulated not an speck of daylight, love, kindness, empathy or compassion can get through. If someone calls you weird, etc., take that as a compliment. Because you are light years ahead of everyone else who has contributed to the dysfunctional society we have right now. To put it succinctly, INFJs are an endangered species and we need to protect that special gift of being an INFJ and the qualities that come with it. Just remember, an INFJ was created and gifted for a special purpose. INFJ accreditation is not handed out to everyone … just a few. Therefore, our journey is fraught with special challenges and rewards. If a relationship doesn’t work out, it is was meant to be that way. Through no mistake of your own or the other person. The other person who entered an INFJ’s life was meant to learn something from them and vice versa. One day, an INFJ will ‘click’ with someone just meant for them; and, above all else, an INFJ’s life is a lonely life so don’t let loneliness dictate what you do or continue in a relationship that was merely a lesson for you. Above all else, ensure there is lots of time spent with the other people where you ONLY observe before committing to revealing something about yourself. Otherwise, don’t be surprised if you find you have been betrayed. Remember, not EVERYONE is an INFJ therefore they should NOT be accorded the same cordialities and respect. After a while, it will be quickly become apparent that the other person was false and end up using and abusing you; and, worse, no respect. Remember, your time is just as valuable and why waste it when there are other fantastic things you can be doing that will bring wondrous things in your life. I guarantee you, The Universe WILL NEVER open a door until you close one. You have to meet The Universe half way in order for the harmony to click in. If someone is mean spirited towards you, they have no respect for you. Move on. With friends like that, who needs enemies. Make no apologies and keep being the positive and unique person you were created to be … .an INFJ.
Yep.
We forgive. We understand. We empathise. But you take our forgiveness, understanding and empathy as a weakness, you’re out of house, for good. Door slam.