The following post is by one of my favorite introvert bloggers, Brenda Knowles from Space2Live.net. I highly recommend that you stop by her site and check out her insightful posts on intimacy, introversion and self-actualization.
My friend had low to no expectations for her first date with her now live-in boyfriend. She wore a sweatshirt and considered him dating practice. There were no pre-conceived romantic dreams or predictions and… their relationship worked! I’ve tried to keep that in mind as I prepare for first dates. I try to rein in my beautifully high expectations for love, but they’re always there simmering, waiting to boil over into reality.
I don’t give up. I love the hope and possibilities that dating brings. A relationship that embodies deep emotional intimacy, an enlightened understanding of introversion and a powerful two-way engagement of minds, feels unobtainable at times, but it’s what I truly desire and until I find it I am content alone.
The deepest of emotional intimacy
What is emotional intimacy?
Sharing heart stories, broken stories and tales of exquisite joy.
Being fully seen and known.
The closest you can get to someone non-physically.
Risking vulnerability and growing stronger because of it.
Giving without depleting.
Sharing truths without fear of rejection.
Extending yourself and expanding exponentially.
A two-way connection where you both feel heard and nourished.
The best foreplay.
My biggest turn-on is emotional intimacy. Vulnerability, to me, is an aphrodisiac. I absolutely must have that heart safe connection and closeness before I surrender my body to a man.
Sharing intimately creates energy for me. It fills me up and spills out into the external world. It feeds me internally which affects how much I can give externally. It gives me the ability to not only feel love but to act on it as well. Anything that generates energy for an introvert is invaluable, highly prized, hence my insatiable search for emotional intimacy.
Understanding the need for space AND connection
Sacred solitude is where I come back to myself. I need it like I need sleep. It replenishes my energy. It untangles my thoughts. It helps me fall in love with the world. Reflection and reverie time provide the opportunity to see the best in others and situations.
Asking for time away from my partner feels bad. We’re supposed to want to be with them, yes? A request for space is often taken as personal rejection of them when actually it’s a personal honoring of myself.
The ideal partner understands this need for solitude but also is there to receive me at the end of my retreat. It helps if they consistently experience the glowing, full me post solitude. This is me at my best and most loving. I can bathe a loved one in intimacy. I can be fully present and engaged. I can be an amazing partner if an awareness of introversion and its occasional need for low-stimulation is accepted and understood.
Two-way engagement that leaves my mind swirling in deliciousness for days
It’s rare but I’ve experienced it. Two hours of conversation can be relived in my thoughts for days. If it’s a particularly stimulating and satiating exchange I’ll want more and soon! That two-way flow of thoughts and ideas is an addiction of mine. Sure, I can have stimulating conversation with friends and family but finding it with a potential mate is mind-blowing. I believe it’s the intimacy facet that creates this reaction. The potential for even deeper emotional and physical intimacy is so attractive because of the energizing effect.
I’ve had extraordinarily rich conversations with men with college degrees and men without. What they are isn’t classically book smart, it’s a bit of different sort of brilliance. There are so many forms of brilliance but the true spark occurs when one remark ignites an idea or thought in the other person. Two logs burning in a fire feeding off of each other in a synergistic bath of fulfillment. Intoxicating…
The trouble with beautifully high expectations is the inevitable disappointment. If only I could arrive at a first date with no expectations.
The frustration of a potential lover turning out to be sub-ideal is depleting. What keeps me going is my belief and hope in possibilities. What makes it OK if things fall flat is my ability to be alone. For this reason, I won’t settle for less. I’d rather be alone than be in a mediocre (or worse) relationship. I can’t fake contentedness. It’s too draining, but I can wait for extraordinary.
How high are your expectations? What ideals do you hold fast to? Can you wait for extraordinary or is the need for a partner too great?
Thank you for sharing my writing with your lovely readers.
As I re-read my post just now, I realized I didn’t mention the importance of a physical connection, something I’ve been exploring lately.
Despite beautifully high expectations, I still believe magnificent relationships are possible. The search and the possibilities are exciting.:) It’s spring time. Love is in the air.;)
After reading this i got my answer and i am right to be think like that emotional intimacy is needed first. Before i am confuse about this but after this i sure.
Hi. I’m half convinced I have met my match. We have such great conversations. He is more introverted than me and I feel I may wait forever. I know not to push but I really want to see if he is headed to the same place or maybe he is just being nice…
I strongly relate to this. I experienced the emotional intimacy you describe with my last partner, and it is in fact better than any drug. It’s energizing, creatively inspiring, pure magic. But unfortunately in this case he took my need for solitude personally (despite also being an introvert), and he was very insecure. Eventually that insecurity shifted the balance of the relationship to something draining of my energy. It was difficult to let go of because I’ve never found that deep emotional connection with anyone else. It’s hard to keep the faith and wait patiently for the right man to come along.
As an extrovert dating an introvert, I struggle with all the contradictions. If she needs more solitude why does she ask me on the phone where have I been the last 24 hours. If she likes PDA how come I have not been invited into her apartment yet — four months and counting. I love a challenge but I must admit this introvert mystery is becoming too much!