It’s not easy to find a genuine friend. Furthermore, it’s almost impossible to have an INFJ as a friend. Just think about how rare we are, and add the fact that most of us only see each other online. I love comparing meeting an INFJ in person with winning the lottery two times in a row. But putting percentages aside, why is this so difficult?
INFJ Friendship: Quality, not quantity
I’ll be honest with you. I never had too many friends. I was the quiet kid who was always picked last for a soccer game, because I never liked attention. The same situation repeated itself in high school at every basketball practice, and even when I was in college.
I didn’t know I was an INFJ back then, but I did know that I couldn’t establish a close friendship. Of course I tried, and even accepted the company of people that I knew were toxic just to taste how it feels to have a friend.
Like with many INFJs, I’m not a stranger to loneliness. Few things hurt more than feeling deep sadness, and not having anyone you can share it with. When you have no one who will listen or hold your hand when you need it the most, you start feeling helpless.
As INFJs, we don’t want to have a hundred friends. We just want one. One that will send that message, asking: “How are you?” or “I’m here if you need me.” Forget about career because it can be done. Or some other goal an INFJ might have, because having a deep and a loving friendship is all we need.
I want you to know that it’s possible to have that unique connection. So for the first time, I’ll share with you a glimpse from my personal life about one INFJ who I call my dearest friend.
Friendship that warms the heart
Never before have I experienced the level of understanding and care that I have now. Many people ask me about the reasons for my Canadian relocation, and I often told myself it’s because of my career. To a degree, it is. I do want to make a difference on a worldwide scale. But the thing is, I can’t do that alone.
Out of the respect for her privacy, I won’t reveal my best friend’s real name, so we’ll just call her Linda. When your biggest support in life is an INFJ, having that kind of a friendship transcends everything you ever experienced before. There is no fear of abandonment, and no confusion how and when to say something.
I don’t think about my sentences when talking to Linda, and she knows all my secrets. There’s no need for justifying anything, because I’m receiving the feedback that I give. The fear of failure and doubt that I’ll let her down is gone. All because of the fact that she understands.
The other night I actually shared my deepest, darkest secret with Linda. I never thought that moment would actually come, but it did, and she not only understood it, but guided me through the process of healing. This is why INFJ friendships are so priceless. You don’t just get a friend, you receive a confirmation every single INFJ spends their whole life trying to find.
The first step to cultivating an INFJ friendship
When you read this article, please don’t send a text message to the first person who comes to mind. Instead, I would like to ask you to sit with your own thoughts. Be in silence for a moment, because there’s one friendship all INFJs need to establish before searching for a bond with others.
It’s the bond you create with yourself.
If you don’t accept yourself, how will you find someone who will do it for you? It’s better to be in solitude for a while than to chase a toxic INFJ friendship.
You’re probably asking yourself: “But Marko, how will I know when I find them?”
You’ll know when that moment comes. Your heart and mind will gently tell you when the search is over. Until that day comes, love yourself, take care of yourself, and be your own biggest support. That person who will be your friend and family is waiting for you. They are searching for you, too! <3
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Do you have a friend that is an INFJ? If so, what’s your experience? Feel free to share your thoughts, I would love to hear them!
Love,
Marko
P.S I poured my heart into this article, so it would mean a lot to me if you would share what you think about it. 🙂
Thank you, Marko, for your thoughts. It made me think about my amazing relationship in college when surprisingly, my dorm roommate and I were BOTH INFJs. Of course, neither of us knew at the time we were that rare personality style. We just knew we were oddballs who both never fit in. We have both since taken the Myers-Briggs personality style test and Surprise Surprise we discovered why we seemed to to hit it off. Nowadays, I WISH for a friendship like that. It would make my life less lonely. Your article, even though it wasn’t a true friendship, it was a way for me to feel my memories had validation.
It warms my heart to hear that my article reminded you of this friendship, Rosalie. Thank you for your kind words, they truly mean a lot. I’m humbled. 🙂
Great blog. It’s so helpful to be reminded of how special us INFJ’s are and therefore what happens when we actually get to build a friendship with a fellow INFJ.
I’ve recently started dating an INFJ and we regularly are amazed at how we feel so safe around eachother, despite the relationship being so new.
Reading this article reminded me of the the ridiculous treasure I’ve found in him 🙂
He is totally worth the wait, as I was single pretty much all of my 20s.
That’s so wonderful you found each other Rebekka! 🙂
Pretty sure mine is too. We fell out of touch for years at time but still connect eventually
Hi Marko,
Splendid reading! You have eloquently articulated the deep desire of INFJ – acceptance for who we are- & that of being human -authentic connection- along with providing important advice on pursuing healthy friendships. Your words are filled with wisdom and I found uplifting!
Thanks!
No thank you is enough to express how grateful I am for what you said here Trisha, really. I am honored to read what you said here, and I am so happy you liked the article! 🙂
Hi Marko
Here’s my story
I’ve been friends with this guy from US for 5 years now. We’ve never met in person due to we’re thousand miles away. He’s the only person that always understand me, cheering me, we laugh together always, sharing the same vibration etc. We barely never had arguments at all.
3 months ago I just found out that he’s an INFJ too, I feel so blessed and no wonder why we are getting along so fine. He’s like my twins, if something happens to us we can feel it that there’s something wrong, and try to reach out and comforting each other.
I don’t have friends in real life, he’s the only friend I have eventhough online friend.
Thanks for sharing your beautiful story Marko
I just want you to know that I love reading your articles, I’m a writer and sometimes when I read them it’s as if I wrote them myself.
It’s hard to be me, I have felt alone and not understood since I can remember. Even though I don’t know you and we don’t speak, it’s nice to know I’m not alone. I hope someday I will find my “Linda”
Thanks Marko, your articles are always spot on for me.
Your comment made my day, Kimberly, I mean that. Thank you so much! You are not alone and I understand you. You humble me with your words, and I guarantee that you will find your “Linda”, it’s only a matter of time, that’s all. 🙂 Thank you once more!
Thanks Marko! That was so heartfelt and inspiring. Somehow I have not even thought to look for an INFJ friend on purpose, but the main thing I think is to get someone who sees you and reflects yourself, your intuition back to you. And congratulations on the big milestone 🙂
You are so welcome Mihails! Your kind thoughts are always so welcome, I’m so glad you like the article! I thank my lucky star every day that I have an INFJ as my best friend, it made all the difference in my life. 🙂
Maybe she is not INFJ? Maybe she is a fairy?
Lol, she definitely is an extraordinary and an incredible INFJ. 🙂
I believe you 🙂
🙂 So blessed, popped up this very insightful article on my morning desktop reading. Thank You Mr. Marko.
You are so welcome Shiela! 🙂
I really enjoyed reading this. I am also an INFJ
Hello Marko! Thank you so much for this insightful and encouraging article. I do not have an INFJ friend and in fact have had very few true friends in my lifetime. I only found out about my INFJ personality type a few years ago and what relief that brought to my heart & soul! I cannot agree more with your statements about being better off in solitude than caught up in toxic friendships – been there too many times and am finally learning how to set and respect healthy boundaries with others. Thank you for each and every article you share with us INFJ’s – you are helping people more than you know!!
You are so welcome Susan! Thank you so so much for your kind words. 🙂 I;m so glad that discovering your INFJ personality brought you relief! I hear you, but just like you said, healthy boundaries can make all the difference. 🙂 Thank you once more, your words really mean a lot! 🙂
Since learning I am an INFJ, so many things have started to make sense in my life. For the longest time, I tolerated toxic friendships and relationships at the expense of my own happiness and well-being simply for the sake of maintaining harmony. After a very draining and drawn out relationship that culminated in a door slam, I have been taking the time to truly sit with myself and learn what core values I want to honor and for which to hold space. As a natural people-pleaser, it’s so difficult to say no. Yet, I recognize that this is crucial for we INFJs to have the deep qualitative relationships and connections we so desire. I have recently met my first fellow INFJ, and I am excited to explore where our conversations can go. Thank you for the reminder to be true to ourselves and our values, and for sharing such a personal story about your own cherished friend.
“I tolerated toxic friendships and relationships at the expense of my own happiness and well-being simply for the sake of maintaining harmony.” this is something I can relate to all too well Naomi… I;m so glad you met a fellow INFJ! That;s such an amazing moment. 🙂 Thank you for sharing this. You are so welcome, thank you so much for your lovely and understanding words. 🙂
Well done Marko… this articulates a friendship that I knew was coming…the friend I made from a medical support perspective..my friend had the whole defence mechanism going on.. but I made a joke & it all came tumbling down from that moment I knew my instinct from the moment she posted that she her hubby & tribe of kids were moving just up the road, that we would be good friends…I knew for some reason we’d click… we share a similar sense of humour… she has illness not as advanced, and less problematic than mine… but we have so much fun together thought those times can be stretched apart, I’m thankful for messenger….once again though I don’t know her M-B type I suspect she’s a rare INFJ… it feels like it fits… thanks again for your article….I had one of those horrible childhoods where I spent a lot of time on my own/or with those that for whatever reason didn’t fit, it’s a relief to finally fit in my skin around this particular thing…
Thank you so much Lesley! I’m glad you like the article. 🙂 Ah yes, that click between you and your friend is something I can relate to. I’m happy you have that friend. 🙂 I can also understand you regarding the childhood you mentioned, but I’m glad you are now feeling good about yourself. 🙂
Just found out one of my coworkers is an INFJ we work in a very challenging environment where we live in house with troubled teenagers. She just got moved into my house and it was an instant and beautiful connection. I was thrilled to find a friend in this crazy job who can relate with my savior complex and crazy paradoxes and who I know I can always be honest with and not offend her or scare her away. It truly is a rare gem to find in a relationship.
I’m glad you found out that one of your coworkers is an INFJ, that’s amazing, Nataleigh! Indeed, finding someone like that is priceless. 🙂
You’re on point. It is hard to find another INFJ out there that understand how you feel and can develop a great friendship with. Someone whom I can talk to without having to be careful about what I say. I hope to also find someone who has felt the same loneliness and isolation as I have.
Thanks Eddie! I agree, that’s not easy to find… But I can assure you, you will find them, it;s only a matter of time, that’s all. Just keep searching, because they are looking for you too. 🙂
Thank you, Marko, for your message from the heart. I experienced a double whammy when I was nine years old when I was hospitalized with polio and lost my mother a couple of months apart. It was my big introduction to loneliness and despair. My only friends were in the books I read. By the time I was sixteen, I regained my strength enough to isolate in the army for seven years. Anger, anxiety and addiction to alcohol followed.
The only thing that saved me was my innate ability to understand the problems others were experiencing and to offer counsel.
I knew another INFJ briefly but never had the opportunity to connect. I have built my life around helping others through my writing, talks and counselling. Meditation is a daily blessing.
Keep up the good work. You are making a difference.
I am so sorry you went through all of this Haddy… I cannot imagine how you felt… I’m glad that you understood what was happening, and that you sought for help, that was a really good decision. Also, thank you so much for your kind words, they made a difference in my day, and i am so grateful to you! 🙂
My cousin is an INFJ and we’re best friends eventhough there’s an age gap. I made a new friend who is an ISFJ through my best friend, and we get each other A LOT. She’s also been helping me with depression and anxiety, which is so comforting.
I also met a guy online who is an INFJ and is practically a mirror image of me. There is a definite chemistry between us but we can’t pursue a relationship together because geographically it’s just impossible, or at least until something changes for the both of us 🙁
I’m glad you meet people who understand you Leilani, and with whom you have such a good connection. 🙂 I really hope something good will change and happen for the guy you mentioned, too.
I am a senior woman, who just recently acknowledged that I am an introvert. I have been a teacher by profession and always have had many friends. However, most of my friends, while good people, do not offer the meaning or depth in a relationship that I seek.
I could go on and on, but I am new to this and have some questions
1. Translate the meaning of the initials that I see bantered about.
2. Are there introvert retreats around the country where introverts meet each other on a more personal basis.
Thanks
Mary Ellen
Hi Mary! Great to hear you found you are an introvert! 🙂 INFJ stands for (Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Judging), the rarest personality type. 🙂 As for the INFJ retreats I am not sure, but there are introvert retreats. 🙂 Just follow Introvert Spring and you will be notified when one is close. 🙂
Hi! Although I’ve been collecting INFJ pins for quite a while,, this is the first time I,ve read one of your articles. It touched upon numerous points in my life experience. Many years ago I took the Briggs-Meyers test and learned I am an INFJ. However, it didn’t really sink in and my friends would tease me about being so feeling. At age 68, I began to in earnest to learn about who I am and the evolution of my life. Mind you, I’ve had more than 30 years of therapy. And you are so right — the place to begin is knowing and loving yourself. I don’t think I’ve every had someone around who understands me, or allows me to me. That is my perception because I‘ve never accepted me! Life has changed and I celebrate being an INFJ and all that means. I do not regret any of. My life journey; but rather celebrate where I am today. Today, Iam more open and Would love to connect with others. Thank you for such a heartwarming piece of truth —
Thank you so much, Victoria. 🙂 I’m glad the article resonated with you, and thank you for sharing your story! I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, but I’m happy you found out you are an INFJ many years ago, and that you are celebrating that fact now. 🙂
A words of wisdom from great Man and Responsible Person ? You make me feel special, I learn a lot from yours words. Before I was thinking ? may be have disorder, Because I live my life alone, sitting and discuss with others I take it wasting of time!!! Countless greetings to you sir!! Now I’m happy! I’m proud to be an Introvert
Thank you so much for your incredibly kind and supportive words, Suleiman! I’m humbled and happy to hear you are proud to be an introvert. 🙂 Thank you!
I really needed this.. Thank you sooooooooooo much.
You are so welcome Lekedia! 🙂
L. Rodgers I’ve been exactly where you are. If you stop putting others before yourself, all you seek will become very clear. You can’t be betrayed by others so long as you are true to yourself. Meaning if you love you first and always than others, especially those who aren’t worthy of you can’t harm you as much. Always hold yourself in the space you deserve. So long as you don’t let yourself down no-one else can lower you below your true self worth.
My best friend is also an INFJ and now it makes sense why we understand each other so well. Any other INFJ’s (or introverts) in the Kitchener-Waterloo area? Would love to get together for a coffee or beer, or get a meet-up group started 🙂
Hi Marlo,
This article is an awesome read. Thank you for taking your time to help us all understand our friendship’s and ourselves better. I just recently found out I was infj. I love finding articles that help me understand who I am better. It is funny that I had never heard of infj before. I have a Pinterest board, and I pin quotes that inspire me. The quotes started saying infj quote. It then started prompting me to take a Myers-Briggs personality test. The results came back infj. I have since taken several test with the results being infj.?
Thank you so much! I’m glad you liked the article. 🙂 That is so great that you discovered that you are an INFJ! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
My daughter is infj but with around 30 yrs separating us we aren’t at the same point of development. I watch her and see myself back then being stubbornly herself, long before the occasionally-overwhelming empathy and deep introspection began in my 40s. We cackle at the same dark humor, disregard the same annoyances, and shoot flames at the same injustices. My other older daughter, an infp, is introspective and empathetic as well, so the deep discussions happen that don’t get decent air time with anyone else. A son is intj and that makes for spirited “i get it” convo. You hate to be like “my own circle is enough- don’t need others”, but I get my soul food right here and feel “hungry” elsewhere so why not? ?
Thanks so much for sharing this, Becky! 🙂
Hi Marko
This is so interesting, because I also have best friend that I could pour my heart and problems and he just understand and give solution without judgement. Later on I find out that he is INFJ. I guess the INFJ connected in a way that we know it’s there.
I understand you, Theesa. My best friend is a social INFj like me, so she understands me better than anyone. That INFJ connection is just priceless, and I’m glad your best friend understands, too. 🙂
Very well written Marko! I just discovered one of my male colleagues is an INFJ. I haven’t told him my type yet, but it’s a bit hilarious to watch. Like looking at a moody version of myself and I all of the sudden get why people say I’m guarded.
It’s hilarious but the level that we attune to and mirror each other is alarming. In a world where we are often misjudged it’s nice to be around someone who gets our good intentions.
I am an INFJ and have met another where I work. We have talked here and there, and totally understand one another. She thought it was weird that someone would understand her and I felt the same exact thing. We’ve been through almost identical backgrounds. We have agreed if either one of us needs to talk with someone about anything at all that we could talk with one another. She’s a really cool person, and for someone to understand me in the way she does was and is amazing. I’ve always wanted understanding, I guess she wanted the same thing.
Hi Marko
Here’s my story
I’ve been friends with this guy from US for 5 years now. We’ve never met in person due to we’re thousand miles away. He’s the only person that always understand me, cheering me, we laugh together always, sharing the same vibration etc. We barely never had arguments at all.
3 months ago I just found out that he’s an INFJ too, I feel so blessed and no wonder why we are getting along so fine. He’s like my twins, if something happens to us we can feel it that there’s something wrong, and try to reach out and comforting each other.
I don’t have friends in real life, he’s the only friend I have eventhough online friend.
Thanks for sharing your beautiful story Marko
Hello Marko
Just now I was realizing that I need just one INFJ friend in my life when I came aross your blog. I’m a loner and don’t mind it very much (my two friends are nice but “S” not “N” people). Just one INFJ friend would fill up the loneliness of not being able to bond to a friend. Luckily I get much happiness out of nature, the cows in the neighbourhood,classical music, and _ as sad as it may sound but it is not _ the comfort I seem to get out of people who already passed away but feel very special to me, as Glenn Gould and Nietzsche.
Finding that one needle in the haystack would make all the difference in th world. It is not that much to ask for, is it…?