Every INFJ knows how painful sadness can be. It’s an emotion we never want to experience, but it’s our faithful companion, regardless. INFJ sadness makes every other feeling look insignificant, because it’s devastating for a highly sensitive and empathic personality such as ours. It took me years to find the answer to this enigmatic question:
Why are INFJs drawn to sadness?
Of course no one wants to be sad. But you have to understand that sadness is a part of who we are, especially as INFJs. Allow me to explain.
INFJs are the rarest personality type, and we’re roughly 1.2% of the world population. Even if you just look at this number, you’ll feel lonely. Making meaningful connections is not easy, and making that effort comes with a heavy price.
INFJS actually invite sadness. We don’t do it on purpose, but we need to feel validated. We need to make sense of how we feel, and being sad is the logical explanation of our emotions. Unfortunately, sadness gives us this validation.
During the search for your soul mate or dream job, there will be rejection and disappointment. You’ll also have to distance yourself from the ones who will slow you down on the way to fulfillment. Like I said, we don’t give this invitation willingly.
INFJS invite sadness because we understand it. And it understands us. We connect deeply with those souls that go through similar feelings as we do. Consider our empathy and authenticity, and you’ll understand why INFJs are the perfect counselors. We see emotions many are afraid to feel. Unfortunately, not many notice things the way we do.
The paradox of an INFJ
I mentioned that INFJs are amazing counselors and diplomats. We’re able to listen and are there for the ones we care about. When I’m talking with my best friend, I just need to read her message and immediately sense if something is wrong. But as always, this understanding comes with a price.
An INFJ wouldn’t be able to understand so deeply if they didn’t go through something similar. Abandonment, rejection, humiliation, and guilt, you name it, we’ve been there. Sadness to an INFJ is all too familiar, but it still catches us off guard.
Our paradox is that we know exactly what to say to others when they feel sad or lonely, but when it comes to ourselves? Not so much. We know how to help because in all honesty, we probably went through the same ordeal. We know what to say, because we heard it already.
The greatest paradox of an INFJ is that we are champions at helping others because we went through the pain our loved ones face. We probably experienced it so many times we lost count.
Despite being difficult to accept, INFJ sadness brings something good. I’m a believer that every bad thing that happens to us carries a hidden message. Sadness is like a letter with no sender name on it, we have to dare to open it. When we do, its content will be easier to understand and accept.
It’s okay to feel sad
The most effective way to face INFJ sadness is to accept that it’s there. Forget about the techniques that offer miraculous results in a matter of days. If you don’t acknowledge its presence, it will make a mess out of your daily life. Not to mention the consequences if it stays longer in your life.
You’re now probably asking yourself:
“Why would I want to feel sad, that doesn’t make any sense?”
I often ask myself this, so allow me to rephrase it:
How are you going to know what happiness is, if you don’t experience sadness?
It’s impossible to be happy all the time. That’s why INFJ sadness is a necessity. Like Yin and Yang, it makes a full circle and shapes you into the unique butterfly that you are.
We may be drawn to sadness due to the fact that our personality is rare, but that doesn’t mean we want it to stay forever.
Don’t run away from sadness, my dear INFJ. Embrace it as a fellow traveler, learn from it, search for hidden lessons, and make this authentic journey a memorable story to tell. It won’t be an easy one, but I promise it will give you the answers you seek.
Something only other INFJs will get
Just like our relationship with sadness, there are a lot of things that only fellow INFJs will understand. That’s why we have a community of INFJs.
Join our INFJ tribe and get articles and webinars we never share on the blog. You’ll also get a free 20-page INFJ Relationship Guide.
I would love to hear your thoughts why are INFJs drawn to sadness. Do you think it’s because of our past experiences, or the fact that we’re so rare? Feel free to share your comments below, I would love to hear from you!
Love,
Marko
Just what I needed!!
I am an ardent follower of this website/blog and it has helped me pull myself out from tricky situations like such. I shall be forever thankful to you for this initiative. Keep up the good work!
Thank you so much, Sidharth! We are glad you follow us, and that Introvert Spring helps you! 🙂
Whats the cure
I really enjoyed you article as well. Thank you’d very much for sharing. I am an artist, wife and mother of 4 children. They range in age from 11-28. We lost 10 family members in 5 years. Two were my brother and sister. They dropped dead within 2 weeks and 2 days of one another. During this same time, our daughter who has High Functioning Autism (and many other special needs) was diagnosed with Bipolar and MMR as her IQ is 60. I have never felt such sadness as it was almost all so surreal. I am thankful to have a strong faith, which was my guiding light. I dug in the cold earth and gardened like there was no tomorrow. I I planted so many seeds. It was healing. I have painted a ton the last few years. I just returned from Santa Fe New Mexico this past weekend. I flew from Savannah, GA to Santa Fe. One week spent making fabulous new friends and around more creative souls than I’ve ever been around in my life. It was exhilarating and infused me with a new energy again. Every ‘seed planted,’ every ‘painting created,’…I, as well as you, have been put her on this Earth for a purpose. I truly believe we are meant to share and be shining lights and bright bursts of color amongst the grey days. Yes, through sadness, we must also recognize our need to be reenergized. I believe we are in the 1.2% for a reason. May we all go out into the world and share joy, light and love through our sensitive hearts and empathetic nature’s. Colorful Wishes, Ann Lutz
Please excuse the typos.
You went through so much Anne… I am deeply humbled you decided to leave your comment here, thank you. Reading about your strength and courage through difficulties makes me proud to be an INFJ. Thank you.
Dear Marko,
This is a divine message for those of us who inhabit planet INFJ. Thank you so much. Often feeling like I speak a different language and that there’s an invisible screen that keeps us apart from the rest. Or them apart from us. The hyper awareness, acute sensitivity annd empathy by feeling others sorrow is a real gift but also at times a curse of isolation. Since birth it gives us direct insight into someone’s pain. We are drawn in, feel it, help if we can and are often left depleted and alone, feeling sad for them
Sad for us for we’ve not had the back up, comfort skills or support from our own team. Now we do. You’re doing extraordinary work.?
Thank you so much for these honest, insightful, and supportive words, Shân! You humble and honor me by sharing this. You are also not alone. 🙂
“Drawn to Sadness….” Hmmmmm. “Drawn to…”
INFJs are very sensitive…”Empathic.” As Marko pointed out: We are experienced with a very broad range of the emotional spectrum, and because we are so sensitive then we easily pick up on where people are operating from within that spectrum. Our wiring is more sensitive to it. It’s VERY overwhelming A LOT of the time (and so…this leads to our INTROVERTED nature. We need a break!!!).
Laster year, I participated in a nursing inservice on death and hospice. At the beginning of it, the facilitator asked, “Who in here is really uncomfortable with death?” I DEFINITELY raised my hand. People were sorta shocked because I have been a hospice nurse for 27 years.
The facilitator commented…”Very few people are comfortable with death…it’s normal to be uncomfortable with death.” Boy don’t I know it! But…they didn’t ask me about courage, failure…trial and error in the process of learning what I know. I never learned to be comfortable with death, but I did learn courage. I am not “Drawn” to death or the accompanying sorrow…NOT AT ALL! But I have, over time…through trial and error…gained stamina (which is still limited) and a willingness to bare sorrow…sadness with others (I try not to bare it “For them. It’s not my sorrow. It’s theirs. I have my own life to deal with truth be told). I do it for a purpose…to help others through a process. By this courage to do this, compassion is fostered (Perfected? I’m hardly perfect in my degree of compassion, but I am better at it then I was 27 years ago…and it took a lot of time…mistakes…hard lessons).
It is the purpose I seek to fulfill. It is not sorrow or sadness that draws me (OH NO WAY). IT IS THE PURPOSE which is to help people prepare for grief after death (and to help people die as empowered people…not in pain…and with as little suffering as is possible.
Drawn to sadness? No! I’m not. But I have tremendous empathy for it…as well as joy, outrage…despair…dark nights…tribulation…celebration, creativity…longing…being lonely…feeling like I wish people would shut the %^$# up with all the hating…being hateful…loving kindness…feeling grateful…and resentful. All of the entire spectrum.
Peace Fellow INFJs. Peace be with you on Easter Sunday!
Thanks
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on this, Ray. 🙂
Beautiful comment. I am with you!
Thanks for your article. It’s nice to know that there are others out there that understand me.
You are most welcome, Laura! You’re not alone. 🙂
I read each INFJ article with great interest and this one in particular really hit home. It is awesome to know there are others who completely understand the intricacies of the INFJ nature. For most of my life I was certain there was something terribly wrong with me. Thank you so much for the work you are doing here – it is helping people more than you know!
Your comment made my day, Susan! Thank you so much for your kind words. 🙂 Please know, there is nothing wrong with you, there never was, and you are not alone. 🙂
There is reason some my favorite singer-songwriters are Sam Smith, Adele, Amy Winehouse, and so many others that express their sadness through music. thank you for no making me feel so crazy
There is nothing wrong with you Veronica, there never was. 🙂
“It’s impossible to be happy all the time”.That part really touched my sensitive string. I totally agree with you. For me, this is a lesson I learned and accepted very hard. And about sadness, I guess it always draws me to introspection. It helps me to slow the rhythm of the situation and causes me to withdraw and be alone with myself. It also helps me understand myself better and it helps me look at the problem that hurted me from many perspectives and expand my empathy. And just like you’ve said, I learned to embrace the sadness. Thank you for a great article!
I hear you regarding sadness… I’m glad and honored you like the article, Camelia!
Sadness! Yes! I feel a lot of things on a very deep scale. Including happiness. My husband says I’m a deep “U” with drastic feelings on each side. I have a lot of anger challenges, but I’ve recently begun meditating and realize that my anger is a form of sadness. So this article really speaks to me. Thanks for sharing!
P.S. Embracing the struggle is good but does it have to be every damn day? Tired of being tired.
Thanks for sharing that, Sarah! I hear you regarding the feeling of being tired… I’m glad the article resonated with you. 🙂
Hey Sarah.
I have had a lot of anger issues in my past as well – and meditating helped (is a long, slow proces).
For me, the anger stemmed for suppressing myself for my entire upbringing, teenage years and some of my grown up years. I was brought up in a form of codependent relationship with my parents; I had to be careful not to make them fight (they constantly did) and do things that prevented it (clean, take care of my siblings, etc.) – and was often told that I was responsible for this and that.
Why am I writing this? I truly believe that people who are so sensitive to other peoples needs (INFJ’s) have had a somewhat tough upbringing that included supressing ones needs in favor of the needs of others. But of course, having sensitive parents means a great deal as well.
Thanks Marko!
Though Im ISFJ this article really speaks to me. Its true that when it comes to others and they are sad or lonely Im always there for them, trying to cheer them, make them feel better and help them. And even it may seems like Im always happy because when Im around people Im usually smiling and Im in a good mood, but when I have time to ponder, sadness is often my companion. Isnt it some kind of paradox that we care so much for others, willing to do anything for them to make them at least a little happier but when it comes to us, we are alone with our troubes because we dont want to bother other people?
At least thats my point of view.
Glad you like the article, Lydia! Happy to hear an ISFJ perspective on this! And yes, what you speak about truly is a paradox… We care so much for others, but at the same time we don;t want to bother them which causes loneliness for us…
Wow….interesting perspective.
Thanks, Yoamny! 🙂
Frequently while driving or just thinking, sadness will envelope me. Mostly because my thoughts have brought me to times in my life when the choices I’ve made have caused great pain to others or myself. I didn’t realize at the time that it would cause so much pain and I so want to apologize to that person for having made the choices I did.
Unfortunately it would either sound silly to them or that person is no longer available for me to speak with. Or… I can’t fix my loss due to that choice. That makes me so incredibly sad & I really have to work at getting away from it.
Love your posts.
Thank you,
Sincerely,
DawnLyne
Thank you for sharing this, Dawn. I hear you. I’m glad you like our posts, and I am deeply grateful you decided to share this, thank you.
Wow, I’m still reeling from the accuracy of an INFJ personality. Every single one of those points is meeeee! It’s made me confront a few things about myself and explained a few too. Thanks for that post. Very interesting.
Thank you so much for your kind words Emma! 🙂 I’m glad you like the article, and that it helped you in such a way. 🙂
As an INFJ myself, i think we are drawn to sadness because we pick up most of the sadness around us since a very early stage of our lives. Let’s be honest, there is more sadness than happiness in today’s world and most people just try to fake it and look happy or do what ever it takes to be happy because they don’t want to feel sad, be sad or even look sad but we see right through it.
Since we see beneath the surface and dig deeper by nature, i think we are not afraid of sadness like other people do, we just try to understand it and accept it as it is like any other feeling.
Personally i like sadness and i don’t know why i do nor i can explain that attraction with words wich is really weird and paradoxal, i’m drawn to sad stories, movies, soundtracks and everything that has darkness in it yet i like to be happy too, sometimes i switch in seconds with no apparent reason.
Btw, i really like the picture in the beginning of the article, so dark .. yet so beautifull ..
Thanks Marko for this article, first time i comment here and sorry for my English, i’m not a native.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Sam. 🙂 You are most welcome, glad this articles was your first comment. 🙂 Oh, and your English is great!
Oh Marko! Brava! If I had only known even ten years ago that I was an INFJ, it would have made such a difference, especially in regards to how many times I ignored my gut because others didn’t find my feelings rational, but they have almost always been correct.
In regards to the sadness, no Empath is complete without embracing it for it is the inward cry of all those in need of comfort and counsel who have not yet accepted their true nature, don’t love themselves or live life based on the opinions of others. We absorb the collective sadness of those who have not realized or achieved their true potential. We weep for them as if it is our own burden and we want to help them because we love people (in moderation of course) . It gives us a sense of purpose and meaning. Though we don’t generally like darkness in a literal sense because it inhibits our ever expanding thoughts, we love the figurative darkness which includes sadness because it is like an explosion of light and color and possibilities and insight into the deepest parts of the human psyche where we would gladly drown.
Thanks for the article, fellow snowflake. It’s nice to hear from the perspective of an INFJ male. I have yet to meet one in person.
Your comment made my day, Chloe! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this, I’m nodding in agreement. 🙂 I’m honored and humbled you liked the article fellow snowflake. 🙂
Thank you for sharing this. I read it with some glooming beatiful music in my ears, and it all came perfectly together. However:
I have another take on it.
Our extroverted feeling sense (Fe) as INFJ’s allows us to easily feel what others are feeling – and perhaps be a bit alienated to our own feelings (how many times haven’t I been unable to feel myself and have asked others for their opinion – to validate my feelings? A lot). How much this might be inhibiting it also allows us to deepdive into sad emotions in music, stories, tv – because we can more easily get out of it – if we interact or see laughing or poeple that act funny, etc. (unless, of course, you have a depression or a grave reason to be sad).
IMO, people that have a strong introverted feeling function (Fi, for instance ENFP) tend to avoid sad music, stories, tv, because it really brings them down – they spiralize into dark thoughts and cannot get out as easily.
In comparison, I revel in these kind of things.
I might add:
For me, listening to melancholic music/films/books is a way of connecting to the core of humans, the existence and life (wow, that escalated quickly, I know). But I feel a great comfort in knowing that I am not alone in my existential sadness.
The singer/actor/writer is giving me all hers/his sadness – and its so rewarding to recieve- and I feel very grateful to her/him.
And that process of universality and recognition is just beautiful.
(thank God for anonymity. That got intense 😉 )
Thank you so much for sharing your insights and thoughts on this, Anne! 🙂
I can totally to this, felt great after reading this article. I’m thankful that I got to read this article. I always have wonder why I feel so sad, why I can relate to sadness of others but not to mine. This article gave me answers to my questions. May be its because of past experiences.
Really it’s great article, being infj makes better sense now.
Thank you so much, Vijayalaxmi! I’m so glad you liked the article, and that it came for you when you needed it. 🙂
Hi there. Assuming that I am an INFJ (I seem to tick all the boxes!) I can’t help but wonder if it’s because of my life experiences or how I interpret things because I may be an INFJ?
Hi Sean! You were born as an INFJ, but external situations, and also what happens to us through life make an impact on our personality, too. But you were born as an introvert (INFJ). 🙂
Hi fellow infp this is good youre attracted to sadness but let me remind you happiness and having fun is alot better and you can only influence if you’re brightly so cheer up plan set you goals keep learning and influencing change
Thanks so much for sharing an INFP point of view on this Christopher! 🙂
I see many of us if not all go through this sadness… neverending sadness and dispair.
But am i the only infj that get’s this suicidal?
No way. Esther, I’m there for that. I mean- what’s the point? There’s so much pain in the world, and we can’t help it, so it’s the same thing as causing it, in a way. And the millions of things I may have done to make people hurt like that? Suicide or Self-harm seems like a relief, because there is the pain that isn’t yours, but you feel anyways.
Sorry, that got daaaaark. But yeah, sometimes being an INFJ is hard…
I’m not an INFJ, rather an INFP, but I really like this article. It explains some things that I can’t put into words, I asked my friends once if they were attracted to sadness, and nope. Apparently, only I am, so this makes me feel less lonely. Thanks!
Thank you.