A lot of introverted men wonder how to approach women. As a quiet and thoughtful introverted man, you might think you’re just not that good at talking to women you don’t know.
Maybe you have approach anxiety. When you see an attractive woman, the very thought of approaching her brings up all sorts of fears:
- You’re afraid of being rejected
- You worry you won’t have anything to say
- You overthink how to start the conversation
- You fear you might be bothering her
And the list goes on. Frankly, these are all valid fears, but that doesn’t mean they have to stop you from meeting a great woman who you could potentially date.
That’s why today I’m sharing some of my best tips on how to approach women as an introvert.
Unfortunately, you’ve probably already been inundated with bad advice that was made by and for extroverts…
You keep hearing pickup artists and supposed “experts” tell you to “just do it”… “approach as many women as possible”…”think of it as a numbers game, bro!”
But here’s the thing.
Introverted men are exhausted by this kind of approach. Not to mention it just doesn’t work for thoughtful, smart guys like you. You would feel inauthentic using a pickup artist’s advice.
For you, being able to confidently initiate fun conversations that create REAL connection is key.
You’ll also want to avoid the common pitfalls of approaching women (and believe me, I see these faux pas all the time as a woman who gets “cold approached” fairly frequently).
Some common mistakes to avoid:
- Blurting out whatever comes to mind just to avoid an awkward silence.
- Using a gimmicky question or one-liner (for example, one man asked me to shake his hand and then spun me around).
- Choosing topics and questions that create conversation dead-ends.
If you’ve made any of the above mistakes, don’t worry! It’s hard to approach women—especially as an introverted man who tends to overthink things.
The steps I share will help you to naturally avoid the common pitfalls, and confidently approach and converse with women in your own introverted way.
So let’s dive in, shall we?
How to approach women as an introvert
Have the right intention
When it comes to approaching women, having the right intention can really help you get out of your head.
For example, right now you might think that the intention must only be to get her number. But this puts a lot of pressure on you.
It also leads to what I call a “beggar’s mindset”. This is when you view the interaction as a way of getting something from her.
A more effective intention is to have a “giver’s mindset”. You think of what you have to offer in the interaction: curiosity, appreciation, presence, and connection.
This is a classic introvert’s dilemma. You like to think things through but this can lead to missed opportunities.
To overcome analysis-paralysis, use Mel Robbins’ 5 Second Rule. If you have the instinct to talk to a woman, physically move within 5 seconds before your brain kills the idea.
Make an observation
One of the easiest and most natural ways to strike up a conversation with a woman is to make an observation. It doesn’t even have to be particularly smart or unique.
Just comment about her, the environment or situation. Be sure to make it complimentary or neutral, rather than critical or insulting in any way.
Here are some examples:
- Looks like you got caught in the rain
- (Re: dog) He seems like a handful
- That looks like comfort food
- This music takes me back
Find common ground
Common ground creates familiarity, trust and connection. Plus, when you’re talking about interests and experiences that you share you’ll both feel more interested in the conversation. Not only that…
When asking yourself “how to approach women”, time is a factor. She may not be able to chat for long, so it’s a good idea to find common ground as soon as possible.
Focusing on experience and origin story questions will help build rapport quickly.
What did you get up to this weekend?
What do you do for fun outside work?
What was your last travel adventure?
Origin story questions:
What made you decide to choose this city/job/activity?
How did you get into acting/dance/comedy?
Ask for her number at peak
Of course, you don’t have to ask for her number at all if you don’t feel a connection.
But if you’re going to get her contact info, it’s best to do it at the peak of the conversation, after you’ve established rapport.
There’s no need to drag the conversation out too long, because again, she might be in a hurry.
You’re also not trying to “close” her on the idea of dating you. It’s not a sales conversation. You just want her to be open to getting to know you better.
The next step is to ask for her contact information in a very simple direct way. Something like…
“I’d love to hear more about [insert something you talked about]. Maybe we can grab a coffee sometime. Can I get your phone number?”
You can also ask for her Instagram or Facebook. Some women prefer that. It just depends on what works best for both of you.
When I work with my introverted dating coaching clients, one problem that comes up again and again is overanalyzing.
After you approach a woman, you might be tempted to overthink how things went. But this will only make it harder to approach other women in the future.
Celebrate the action you took and, if needed, think of what you would do differently next time. Then move on with your life.
Even the most handsome smooth-talkers get rejected sometimes. Not every woman is going to be right for you, so don’t take it personally if she doesn’t give you her number.
And if she does give you her contact info, be sure to follow through and text her later to set up or solidify a date.
How to talk to women
Once you’ve set up a date, you might feel anxious about how things will go.
One of the biggest challenges introverted men face when dating is knowing how to talk to a woman in a way that creates a spark.
If that’s the case for you, be sure to grab my free Introvert Flirting Guide. It has tips to always know what to talk about with women, even if you’re naturally quiet.