INFJ relationships can be tricky. We want deep, soul-shaking connection. But we don’t always know how to get there.
Our personality consists of only 1 percent of the world population. We are rare, and not so easy to understand. Our rarity can be challenging, but it is also our greatest gift. We are unique, therefore we need a unique connection as well.☺
Establishing a lasting connection is a defining moment in our life. INFJ relationships are based on our magnificent ability to connect with our partners.
The blueprint for connection in INFJ relationships is based on understanding. Not many people will be wired the same way we are. When we connect with someone, this truly is a magical moment for INFJs.
Connection Surpasses Introversion or Extroversion
My relationships were mostly directed towards extroverted women. I never asked myself why this is the case. I simply followed my intuition. One relationship in particular stands out.
Six years ago I met someone who I thought was my soulmate. This was the first time I felt true love. What made this so special was the insanely good connection we had. We literally finished each other’s sentences.
Never did I once pay attention to the fact that she is an extrovert. It didn’t matter. All that was important to me was that we understood each other. For the first time I told myself: “I can be vulnerable with this person, and not be afraid.”
The relationship didn’t last, but I will never forget what we had. It didn’t matter that we had different personality types. It was that pure, authentic connection that mattered most. Here is the equation that made the difference:
Connection + Understanding = INFJ Relationships Soar
Deep connection isn’t just about having a good conversation. It’s so much more. It expands into the realm of ideas, understanding and acceptance. As INFJs, we excel in all of these areas.
Here are 4 steps to deep connection in INFJ relationships:
1. Make the time.
Always create the time for the one you cherish. Whether you are single and seeking a relationship, or you are already in one. Remember, there is no such thing as being “too busy”. Even one small message can be a day-changer. ☺
2. Unconditional attention.
Talking, listening – it doesn’t matter – give that person your absolute attention. Shut down all else around you. In today’s world, undivided attention is a priceless gift, and we INFJ’s excel at it!
3. Three magical sentences.
Even the smallest action can have a lasting effect. Use these words to make the one you love feel like the brightest light in the sky:
• “You are beautiful just the way you are“
• “You are not alone, I’m here“
• “No matter what happens, I will not abandon you“
4. Be vulnerable
Vulnerability is the key ingredient for a strong and lasting connection in INFJ relationships. A whole new dimension of possibilities opens up. In that moment, when you feel utterly “naked“ before someone, it will all be worth it (admit it, this made you giggle 😉 ) .
Open yourself to the one you trust and cherish. Trust her/him. Be vulnerable! The greatest strength is not being strong all the time. It comes from absolute vulnerability.
As famous American public speaker, and author Brene Brown said:
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. If it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.“
Many people say that when you meet the right person, you will be nervous, your hands will sweat, you will be confused.
However, in my opinion, when you establish a deep connection with that special someone, you will not feel nervous, anxious, or have the feeling of panic.
You will be calm, and you will be completely aligned with your inner self. Your mind and body will act as one beautiful whole.
If you’ve been lonely for a while, it might be tempting to settle for a mediocre relationship. I can tell you right now, there are more unhappy people in a relationship, than single.
Don’t settle for anything less than you deserve. Only allow yourself to be happy with someone who deserves you!
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Over to you
Have you ever experienced the soul-shaking connection every INFJ craves? I’d love to hear your insights and experiences! Please share in the comments below.
Lots of love,
Marko
I’ve been with my lovely husband for more than 20 years now and your article reminded me that the moment I realised he was going to be significant in my life was when we agreed with each other at a peace event on a principle that is fundamentally important to me and my outlook on life. That was an incredibly moving moment – finding that this was someone else who had deeply held political and spiritual values that accorded (mostly) with mine, and who wasn’t afraid to stand up for what he believed in. It’s a very INFJ way of ‘falling in love’ really isn’t it?
What a great INFJ love story, Anna! Thanks for sharing. 🙂
This is beautiful Anna! A truly wonderful story! 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing it. 🙂
Great article Marko! You really get to what the core factors are in experiencing and having a happy, lasting relationship. 🙂 I hope that people take your advice and try to ensure they find these things in their partner, because you are right – who would waste time in a relationship where they’re not happy? A lot of people! But wouldn’t it be great if they didn’t? And they waited for the person who they could have this connection with? 🙂
Thanks Ashley! 🙂 I agree with you, it’s better to wait for the right person, than be in a wrong relationship. 🙂
Great article, I found this very insightful as I look back at all the patterns in my life where I had failed to do those 4 steps in managing keep relationships. Making the time has been one of the biggest challenges for me as I struggle to keep touch with my friends. Being vulnerable has always been a tough one for me as I have put my trust in the wrong people in the past. Its not that they are bad, they just don’t know how to deal with my vulnerable side so they say something hurtful and leave me regretting that I did.
Over time I found that having the right person is better than just finding anyone to open up to. I have managed to find a small group of friends that I can almost share anything too. Though now I must not forget to keep in touch with them as I keep forgetting to do.
Also, I really enjoyed the INFJ Relationship Guide. I did read it quick and will revisit it again to get more from it.
Thanks Sotirios! I understand you completely. I’m glad to hear you have a small, chosen group of friends with whom you can share anything. 🙂
Thank you as well for your kind words about the INFJ Relationship Guide, really! 🙂
Yes that was a reassuring article so thank you for that, especially because it was written by a man. I find so few people who I can connect to in the areas that most matter to me. I agree that having tried to make it work with people who are fairly different from me, that it is much better to be alone. It is just selling yourself short in the final analysis and it manifests in the relationship ultimately as a feeling of being just a shell to the other person, not really grasped or related to apart from superficially which is disheartening. I wonder how to meet like minded people really, any ideas? And then there is the whole debate on the lack of chemistry with others who are TOO similar, fun, fun, fun!!!
Thank you Seterah. 🙂 The answer to your question maybe sounds like you heard it many times over, but believe me, it’s the truth. Stay true to yourself. This is the only way you will meet the right people. It;s not easy, I know. You are an INFJ, and this world needs your genuine and beautiful INFJ personality! Believe me, the right people will see this, and they will be drawn to it. 🙂
Thank you Marko and Michaela your articles inspire me a lot and keep up the good work!
You are most welcome Lubna, thank you! 🙂 I’m so glad to hear that our articles inspire you. 🙂
Love the article. It is easy to get involved in an unfulfilling relationship. I would use your useful advice when I find someone that I feel a connection with. 🙂
Thank you amygar99! 🙂 I’m so glad you liked the article, and the advice. 🙂
Hi Marko and Michaela,
just want to let you know your efforts are much appreciated! Every time I received articles in my mail box I feel so much care and love from you. I might not be very involved in the forum but I definitely resonate with a lot of things you share here. It’s so much great help for we INFJs who often are left with a sense of isolation and confusion or even worthlessness in the big world… Thank you so much for what you are doing!! Much *LOVE* your way!!
Sincerely,
Lu
What a lovely note! You’re very welcome, Lu! So hapy to hear that you feel the love in our emails. That’s our goal! 🙂 xo
Thank you so much Lu for your kind, and beautiful words! 🙂 You left me speechless… Thank you, really. Like Michaela said, this is our goal, for you to feel the love in our emails. 🙂 You are most welcome!
I have been a marriage for 5 years and trying so hard for just to establish that understanding and connection with my husband. I have realised that no matter how nice a person he may be, as an infj I am consistently disappointed as he has not at all wired that way. It left me feeling like Im alone in marriage. I tried everything for 2 years, before I finally asked for a seperation and awaiting divorce now. Its scary because as an infj I always wonder if I will ever find that deeper meaningful connection…But I really appreciate all your advice Michaela and Marko, it helps soo much in an emotionally supportive way to know that there are many people like me out there and your emails re-ignite a spark of hope that someday I will find the best person for me. Until then no matter how hard the road is, being alone is definately better than being in an unhappy relationship.
I am so sorry to hear you experienced this in you marriage, and that it lead to divorce Tasnim. But I want you to know this: You will find the right connection. You will find that true, deep, meaningful connection. It will happen, I promise. Remember, you are amazing, just the way you are! Thank you so much for your words. 🙂
Once more, you will find that special someone, I am sure of it. Until then, nurture your beautiful soul, silently encourage yourself every single day. Like you said, and I agree, it’s not going to be easy, but believe me when I say, it is always better to be alone, than to be in an unhappy relationship.
I have just had a relationship put “on hold” so to speak. He is everything I had ever dreamed about since I was a little girl. When we first started talking, we found that our lives had been somewhat parallel. When I was with him, I felt like I was complete. He is the only one I have ever felt that kind of connection with. We had even talked about getting married. Fast forward two and a half years and he suddenly tells me that he needs time to figure out who he is. He said that he can’t commit to a relationship until he “finds himself”. He told me that this doesn’t mean that there won’t be a future for us and that he loves me. But he hasn’t spoke to me since. That was two months ago and I’m still trying to pick up the pieces of my heart. I feel like my whole world has fallen apart. I think one of my problems is that I “feel” too much. Sometimes I wish I could just turn off all feelings and thoughts. My biggest problem with this breakup is that I keep expecting to hear from him, and I still think of my future in terms of being with him.
Hi wynwitch. I will focus my comment on you, and just you. You are beautiful, just the way you are! You are already a complete whole! The person with whom you are on “hold” needs to understand, while seeking himself, he already has a person who would not just help him in that, but would also follow him on that road. I am so sorry you are going through this, because you don’t deserve it. It’s not easy, I know, believe me I know. I understand you, and you are not alone. You have a great heart, and the pieces will fall back together. Do not rush yourself, give yourself time, as much as you need. Whatever happens, you have my complete support.
Thank you so much! You have no idea how much I needed to hear that.
You are always welcome! 🙂
Many thanks to everyone that posted comments. Just reading through the comments helps to give me some hope that I don’t need to stay with someone I’m not connected with.
You are most welcome Melissa! 🙂
I believe there are far more Introverts than you believe there to be. I was an “extrovert ” for about 60 yrs. of my life…because that is the way I was ‘raised’. Then I was doing an evaluation course, and there was a day spent on disclosing if one was an Introvert, or an Extrovert…and as the results of the different activities kept showing me as an Introvert, I kept resisting the idea…until there was a group ‘art project’, whereby I actually took over as the leader, and created ‘my ideal’ work environment…and when I studied the picture, I had to surrender and say, “Oh my Gosh, I am an Introvert”…and since that day, I have been far more ‘comfortable in my own skin’…and made many different choices. So I doubt this is as ‘Extroverted a World’, as it appears…I think it is a product of how people have been raised. And I wouldn’t be surprised there are more Introverts than Extroverts…so if you are going to continue your research and growth as an online site, with books etc…I would re-evaluate your premise of us being the minority.
Hallo, I am the author of deep-trust.info and I found there is more you can do to connect.
I’ve identified over 20 points that are important imho.
https://deep-trust.info/en/2016/05/30/pitfalls-man-to-woman-how-can-i-improve-my-conversational-skills/
What is important to create a connection is not only to try to connect superficially by stating:
“Hey, I like that music too.”
“Cool, that’s my favorite music too.”
or repeating everything:
She: “I’ve been to Australia.”
He: “Really you’ve been to Australia? Great.”
She: “Yeah and I wanted to see Ayers Rock.”
He: “You saw Ayers Rock. Is it really so red?”
and so on.
No.
Find out WHY a person does what she does without asking WHY.
Find out about Emotion, Motivation, Character traits.
Build statements and tell them.
Validate and not only make pure compliments without reasoning.
Include in the compliment WHY you make it.
For example:
I like your smile. Because it’s authentic. You know these people that fake their smile to seem friendly and polite? I consider this as very inauthentic.
You stand out. I can see you’re friendly smiling and having this positive energy around you. And even if there’s so much going on in that bar at 2 am you’re still like a sunshine, can’t remember when I saw someone doing that good.
Have you always been like this or did you learn that by doing your job here?
Hi, Holger! Thanks for sharing this!
I would say that I always had a feeling and intuition about this, but it really crystallized here. 🙂
Thanks Marko. It’s a pleasure to see you’re spreading the word here. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
To 1. Make the time…
Here you talk about:
Setting your priorities. It’s not that we have no time for it.
Something else just got a higher priority.
2. Unconditional attention…
Talking, listening – it doesn’t matter – give that person your absolute attention.
Shut down all else around you.
In today’s world, undivided attention is a priceless gift, and we INFJ’s excel at it!
This is about active listening, if someone does it right.
And you’re right. This means: No other tasks involved. Not even thinking.
Being present to the moment.
Focusing your whole energy and RAS onto the other person you’re listening to.
Listen like you want to be listened to.
3. Three magical sentences…
• “You are beautiful just the way you are“
The first one shows, two things, given in this context:
You don’t need her looks to be with her. You focus on personality.
Because looks will go down the drain with time…
You accept the other person.
I could also mention some other points,
but in this case I’ll consider them adding to the other two sentences.
• “You are not alone, I’m here“
This is almost like a paraphrasing of: All is well. To make the beloved one feel secure.
• “No matter what happens, I will not abandon you“
And this is about not judging. But accepting. To give the person space to exist how she is.
4. Be vulnerable
Yes, because it introduces realness and openness, acceptance and releases a lot of resistance.
We all have somehow a front we put on.
Part of it is naturally given. Another part is socially conditioned.
And it is always a wonderful woman to make an effort as a man to look behind that mask,
and see who she really is. In my opinion this is damn sexy. 🙂
That’s we’re so vulnerable because it’s us. No longer that front or shtick we’ve put up.
Not the bravado but our true selves.
Just my two cents.
How did you learn about that topic? Not necessarily typical for a man nowadays. But that’s why it’s even more valuable. 🙂
You are most welcome, Holger! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. 🙂 And thank you for your kind words. Some bad experiences I faced from people in the past taught me that there is another way, one of understanding, acceptance, and kindness, and I chose that path. Also, I have the best mentor there is, who is also my personal inspiration in life and my dearest friend. Through her guidance, I found my purpose and that has made all the difference. 🙂
There is so much emphasis on being an introvert I found myself checking again and again that this is for INFJs. I spent over half my life thinking of myself as an ambivert. Another characterization I still hold close is that of observer. I take medication for Major Depression but I also have SAD. I’ve been blessed with a wonderful husband who gets better as the years go by. A lot of my suffering came from a lack of self understanding. The ability to intuit other people’s feelings, motivations, and desires led me to a very successful career in sales. Yes, sales. Commission sales where my income was entirely dependent on fulfilling my clients needs. There are many people who would scoff at the idea of me being an introvert. My daughter had the most difficulty reconciling my agonizing description of my school days with the discovery that I had been class president, a team player and a winner of multiple ribbons and letters.
My advice is to find a good person. Find the places in your heart, in your soul, and your nature where you and this person meet, then, if it is a happy marriage you want, look for different people to meet those other needs. As a true introvert, your inside journey is not a trip to be shared in its entirety with one person. When you are young you still have a lot of challenges to face that will shape your understanding of life. Pay attention to what the INFJ is all about and learn to have sympathy for the one who loves you. They have no idea they’ve got a tiger by the tail. Your the one with all the natural abilities of intuition, intelligence and compassion. Be kind and benevolent. Appreciate their abilities and strong points. Less critical, more forgiving. You can be like two sides of the same coin. Yes?
Thank you for sharing this lovely, and insightful comment Kathryn! 🙂 You are absolutely right, I agree. 🙂
As I read some of the responses, I suspect this will come out of left field … (but that’s what we INFJs do, correct?) My therapist, probably the only other INFJ I know, and as you might expect, a very spiritual person, told me that Myers Briggs and personality typing is really about making you grow more than helping you feel comfortable. He said part of growing is learning to develop true connection with other types, even the ones you wouldn’t typically expect to easily connect with.
My husband of 37 years is ESTJ – about as different from me, the INFJ in the couple as can be. Are we very different? Yes, you bet! Do we love each other to pieces? Yes! I can’t tell you how close I feel to him. Sometimes I think I can feel his heart beating in my own chest even when nothing particularly intimate is going on!
Have I had to learn how he operates, to deeply respect and appreciate his difference from me? Have I had to accept a certain divide between our natures, despite the fact that it times it’s a bit painful? Sure.
Actually, recognizing and respecting our differences has given us both a lot of (kindly) laughs. Speaking as the INFJ in the couple, I’ve discovered love is about more than sharing my ideas, my flights of fancies and thought, my complexities, however fun that may be. It is definitely worth the effort and sacrifice to deeply connect with, and commit to, someone very different from you.
In the end, love is about growing. As St. Francis put it, “O Master, grant that I might never seek/So much to be consoled as to console/To be understood as to understand/To be loved, as to love with all my soul.”
I just say this because I think we occasionally take our eye off the ball, and focus it too deeply on ourselves. The “other” is the ball, and the game is loving people. (And I’m sure we can tweak that metaphor endlessly; we are, after all, INFJs.) Okay, having made myself vulnerable, I’ll retreat now …
Thank you so much for sharing this great insight Pensieve! I loved the sentence you wrote: “love is about growing”. Couldn’t agree more! 🙂
I 100% agree with what you said about how we feel when we meet the right person! I’ve been telling people for years that the “weak in the knees, butterflies in your stomach, heart racing” feeling sounds more like the fight or flight response rather than love! I felt that way once and he turned out to be the most toxic person I’ve ever met. I truly believe the right person should make you feel calm and at ease. The trick is finding someone who can handle & understand this INFJ!
Thanks Amy! 🙂 I completely agree with your statement. True love will make you feel calm, not anxious. Indeed, this is the crucial part. Finding that special someone who will accept us completely.
You are Infj are you Lu… what is your abbreviation for?
Wanna talk away from here? 😀
@Marko RE: Many people say that when you meet the right person, you will be nervous, your hands will sweat, you will be confused.
However, in my opinion, when you establish a deep connection with that special someone, you will not feel nervous, anxious, or have the feeling of panic.
It is both. Initially as we’re human there will be a mixture of shit going on within us and then as get closer it’ll ease away if Soulmates or higher one of these 3 (I learnt from a blog) Twin-Soul-Twin-Flame/Twin-Ray (highest what most sites say is the twin flame is referring to t-ray), Unless karmic in the bad sense some claim you can have good karmic connection I so think they are sorely mistaken not sure we can transcend to a soulmate from this like a page said tbh with you. Anyhow… if are the introvert nerves/anxious at times/ panic comes cause it’s natural for a while as being vulnerable does this (makes it arise) I’m INFJ, with the right person or not SO I get caught in thoughts but then gotta consider if either has mood/personality disorder – this can influence the above also. I open up with a certain bestie (girl) and I find vulnerability makes me nervous but I feel like I’m going to regardless with her as she herself in a letter was open – she’s Arian and from Thailand (lives in its capital) born 27/3/1982. Guessing re: those traits mentioned maybe you mean offline HOWEVER a lot of us connect online first for a time – especially on fb and sometimes skype, and even more so if we’re internationally connected (on social media sites) for us introvert personality types.
Interesting point of view Emy1986er, thank you for sharing it. 🙂 I agree with you, a lot of INFJs firstly connect online (same with me). The feeling of being nervous can most certainly affect that first meeting, offline or online, and sometimes ever our natural calmness can fall on second place when we see that person who we like, or when we are vulnerable in front of a friend.
Hi Marko,
Thanks for sharing. Just like you mentioned about you meeting someone 6 years ago and feeling the connection first time, I felt the same way first time in my life a year and a half back. Whatever I tried to do, I couldn’t stop getting attracted to her. Everything about her attracted me. A few months back, we even got into a relationship. But it didn’t work out. But honestly, whatever time I spent with her were one of the happiest times of my life.
I am still not able to get the fact that she is gone. I just know that I still love her and I want her to be happy. I hope and pray that she changes her mind about our perceived differences and comes back, but I am not sure.