INFJs are not easy to annoy. We are peaceful by default and natural born diplomats. Our tolerance levels are off the charts … most of the time.
Even though INFJs can put up with a lot, some annoying moments can utterly overwhelm us. Our pet peeves are especially obvious at social events and gatherings. In these environments people push our buttons in all kinds of ways. The next 5 situations I’m about to share are the ones we INFJs wish we could avoid.
1. Dismissing our feelings and opinions.
There is nothing worse for an INFJ than when our opinions and feelings are discarded. We feel worthless and humiliated. The worst part? As a people-oriented personality, we genuinely value people. So when we face external dismissiveness and rejection we feel like we don’t matter.
2. Making false assumptions about us.
Understanding as we are, it really bothers us when we face judgement. We start doubting ourselves, wondering what kind of impression we left. As a result, this one question flies around us like a pesky mosquito: “What did I do wrong?”
3. Picking on someone who is defenceless.
Seeing bullying of any kind throws us completely off balance. We simply don’t and can’t tolerate it. It doesn’t matter if it’s us who is being picked on or someone else. We are natural guardians. We just can’t stand by and watch when we see injustice.
4. Not allowing us time to think.
As INFJs, we are internal processors. We need time to mentally digest what is being said. So, when someone rushes us, our reaction, of course, is annoyance. The feeling of being pressured to make speedy decisions is even worse. We like to carefully think things through before acting. Give us some time to decide, please!
5. Trying to manipulate us.
It annoys us when others force us to do something that goes against our beliefs. Add lying to the picture and you got yourself a shortcut to an INFJ Door Slam. We value honesty and respect, so manipulation is an easy way to get on our bad side.
How to react in these annoying situations
There’s no easy solution, but you have to stay calm and be selective. Quality over quantity is one of the golden INFJ rules. Carefully select the event you will participate in, as well as the people with whom you will surround yourself . Staying calm will enable you to make rational and thoughtful decisions.
If you experience these scenarios at work, then maybe it’s time to make some changes. Remember, there is nothing wrong with standing your ground. What’s important is that you do it in a calculated and a peaceful manner. After all, we are not called peacemakers for no reason.
There will always be people who will judge you no matter what you do. Do what you believe is right anyway. The key is to rise above the situation and master your own thoughts and emotions. If I’ve learned anything about my INFJ personality, it’s that we are champions of self-control.
You have all the necessary qualities within you. When you experience what I wrote in this article, remember who you are. Remind yourself of your value. No one can take that away from you, no matter how much they try.
If you’re interested in connecting with other INFJs from around the world, join Introvert Spring’s private INFJ forum. We are truly a buzzing community! Join today, and you’ll receive our 20-page INFJ Relationship guide as a gift. You’ll also gain access to unique INFJ blog posts, member events, and videos.
Over to you, friend
What are the situations that annoy you the most fellow INFJ? Can you relate with what I shared here? Do you have anything to add that I missed? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section below, I would love to hear from you! ☺
P.S. If you’re interested in connecting with other INFJs from around the world, join Introvert Spring’s free private INFJ forum. With 8000+ members, we are truly a buzzing community! Join today, and you’ll receive our 20-page INFJ Relationship guide as a gift. You’ll also gain access to unique INFJ blog posts, infographics, and webinars.
Ha ha that list isn’t limited to INFJ. I’m an INTJ (no doubting the T) and all those things grind my gears too.
Glad to hear you can relate! 🙂
Hi Marko, I just love reading your posts on INFJs…..I am glad I came across your website “introvert spring”. If no one seems to understand me, I get solace when I read your posts on introversion and INFJ personality type…..People talk to me as if am like them and make false assumptions about me. They don’t ask me but rather tell me how I feel or should be feeling in a particular situation. Very rarely do people speak wisely or understand my feelings.
One suggestion to you, Marko and Micheala, why don’t you compile all the info. about INFJs in a book! I will be glad to own one….
Thanks Richa! I’m glad you found Introvert Spring and that you feel this way while reading our articles. 🙂 Michaela is the heart and soul of IS, she is the amazing creator of this wonderful safe space meant for all introverts. 🙂 I’m sorry you face this, but know that there is nothing wrong with you, there never was. Thank you also for the suggestion. 🙂
I can totally relate to this, especially your first and fourth points. Sometimes when you speak so softly, it’s hard to make your opinions heard by loud extroverts. Also, I really need time to think before making a decision. I’m naturally slow especially because of my perfectionistic tendencies and I hate being rushed. I would rather miss out on an event than be rushed in my preparation for it. It loses the fun if there’s so much pressure.
I can understand you Zainab, and I agree. I would also rather miss an certain event and think, prepare slowly, than being rushed to prepare in the last minute. Glad you can relate. 🙂
Ooh! I got annoyed today. I volunteer at our local public library, working 2 mornings a week. It is mainly staffed by volunteers, with a Librarian. Today was the first Monday morning I worked, as someone is on holiday. It was going fine, then a young man went into the children’s section of the library, with his small son, about 3 or 4 years old. There were some books to go back on the shelves, including some into the children’s library. Steve, the other volunteer, who is a grumpy old ….. person, said to me “I’m not going in there, there’s a brat in there!” I couldn’t believe that he said that, as the child’s father could have heard him. So I told him off and told him that it was a horrible thing to say. He protested saying that he called his grandchildren brats! I said they are children. He apologised for offending me.
I surprised myself that I told him off actually. There was a time that I would have said nothing. I think Michaela’s confidence course is doing me too much good!
I’m really sorry you experienced this unpleasant situation Sue. But I am so glad to hear that Michaela’s amazing course is helping you so much! 🙂
Thanks for this insightful list. It will help me observe my re-actions and deal with them in a better way. Two things irritate me and can give me a feeling of not counting: When I speak up in a conversation and I am interrupted and no one responds to what I was trying to say–and this is related: at a meeting or more serious group discussion when I make a comment and their is no response, but someone later brings it up and several people respond as if it was the first time they heard it. Then I’ll have to remember your five points.
You are most welcome Mary! I’m happy to hear you find my article helpful. 🙂 Thank you for your kind words, and for sharing your thoughts about this.
Haha I can fully relate to that!:) and also to the list above..:) many thanks for sharing
Hi Marko! Thank you for posting! I wanted to comment that I definitely agree with your list. 🙂
Just wanted to add for #3, I feel this way when people are picking on animals too! I very rarely talk to strangers, but when I saw a little kid chasing a herd of wild geese into the street, I impulsively scolded him! He ran off to his mom. I was shocked, SHOCKED, at my response!
When I related the story to my fiancée later he was not surprised. I told him I scolded a kid today. Has asked why, was it about animals? I was like, what? He paused and then was like, was it wild geese? I was like… HOW DID YOU KNOW? Ah, it was too funny.
Hi Carrie! You are most welcome, glad to hear you agree with my list! 🙂 You are absolutely right, I feel the same way someone is behaving like this to animals too. We INFJs really are protectors. 🙂
I am another Kari who is an animal lover. Just last week I saw kids chasing ducks on campus and by the 3rd time I rapped on my office window to warn them away. Their smiles turned to scared faces. I felt kind of bad but I was instantly mad and it just happened.
Over the weekend my sister’s kids were remembering an incident when I saw neighbor kids chasing geese. They all remember that I snuck up on the kids and sprang out to chase them so they would “know how the geese feel”. I don’t recall this but it was vivid their minds because I am always “nice Kari”. I feel like kind of a jerk but guess this is pretty deeply embedded in me.
Thanks for sharing your story so I know I’m not alone in this!
Thanks Marko for this topic – very timely.
I needed this today! You hit the nail on the head on every one of these. The reminder to slow down, take a breath, pick your moments. Even if someone else is “not giving us time to think” we need to be willing to take care of ourselves, by saying “Please give me a moment, I am considering the situation and I want to be thoughtful in my response.” I think sometimes due to our harmonizing tendency, we put undue pressure on ourselves to respond immediately to someone else’s need or crisis. We need to allow ourselves to take the time to think about the necessity of an immediate response. Boundaries keep us healthy. Holding those boundaries can be hard, the compulsion to help, smooth, and harmonize is soooooo strong. I am coming to recognize poor boundaries are my largest area of stress in the work world. Happy Monday!
Thanks Celeste! I’m glad that you found it helpful, especially today. 🙂 You are right, we do need to allow ourselves to take the time and think, and establish boundaries. I understand you. Take one step ate the time when it comes to boundaries, it’s definitely a process, but I know you can do it. 🙂 Happy Monday!
Great list here, Marko. Especially the manipulation one. It goes right up my bum when someone tries to intentionally influence my feelings or decision making process. What they don’t realize however is that it actually has the opposite effect, especially if I’m being guilt tripped.
I’d like to add a few if I may…
* Witnessing or being the victim of inconsideration. I couldn’t imagine not thinking about how my actions or something I say might effect someone else. I can understand minor slip-ups as one can’t think of everything, but sometimes I feel like a lot of people don’t have any foresight AT ALL.
* Being taken advantage of. If someone really insults my kindness and generosity, I will NEVER forget that feeling.
I’d like to offer a related quote from the brilliant Maya Angelou that I think rings true, especially with the more sensitive personality types such as ours:
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
INFJs have the gift of foresight, so use it to your advantage, my fellow INFJs; read the signs in order to avoid toxic people and their negative energy pollution.
Have a good day everyone and take care of that beautiful INFJ mind of yours!
Thanks Rob, glad you like it. 🙂 And thank you for adding yours, they are amazing! Wonderful quote, and it’s in fact one of my favourites! Thank you for sharing these kind words Rob. 🙂
Thanks for every word you have expressed! Totally related to this article!
I’m so excited to find y’all !!! I would have loved to have known about my introversion personality about 50 years ago! At 72 years old, I AM excited to learn I actually was not BROKEN, UNLOVABLE, and ALWAYS A MISFIT. Lived my life in those shadows of unacceptance. Please know your passion & desire to inform is greatly needed & appreciated! Michaela answered my prayer of “What’s wrong with me?”
You are most welcome Dorothy! I’m happy that you can relate, and I am glad that you fund us. 🙂 There is nothing wrong with you Dorothy, there never was. You have an wonderful personality, and it’s never too late to discover it. 🙂 Thank you so much for you kind, lovely words, really.
Through her gentle, caring heart, and a wise mind, combined with other-wordly understanding, Michaela really showed us that there is nothing wrong with us. 🙂
I strongly agree on the 5 points here. Especially the first, about feelings. Actually number 3, bullying, and 5, lying/manipulating are very deep within me as well. However I don’t feel like I’m a master of self-control. More the opposite.
Glad to hear you agree with these points Nikoline. 🙂 Don’t worry, I know you will reach that mastery level of self-control, of that I have no doubt. 🙂
Interesting read Marko! Thanks for the awesome reminder 🙂
Thank you so much May, and you are most welcome! 🙂
All so true! I have to admit, #1 and 2 make me silently fume and seethe, haha. I do realize though, that sometimes the person didn’t mean to be cruel, and all that fuming is probably showing up on my face. So this, right here, are words to live by: “rise above the situation and master your own thoughts and emotions.” 🙂 Thanks Marko, for the kind reminder.
Glad to hear these reasons resonate with you Marie. 🙂 I couldn’t agree more with you on those words! You are most welcome. 🙂
I can relate to this so much, especially the bullying. When I see it I feel outrageous to another level, I thought it was because of my past, the bullying I faced which completely shattered me but knowing that there are other people who can’t stand it either makes me feel so much better. I thought these things just don’t matter to others that only someone who has faced it would stand against it……… This makes me really happy. Atleast someone cares.
I’m glad that you can relate Simran. I fully agree with you, bullying is something that I can’t stand by and watch when I see it happening. You are not alone. 🙂
It is so true, I remember being manipulated by my coworker to get some money from my boss which involved me in his lying. Never in my life I have been that furious but exploding an anger isn’t really my thing, and considering he’s the one I have to work with door slam is not effective either so after a while I decided to forgive him.
Thanks Arina. 🙂 Even though I believe that what you experienced is really unpleasant and that it made you so angry, you did a good thing by forgiving him. It takes true strength and courage to forgive Arina.
Beautifully articulated, as usual, my dear friend; those are all spot-on! 😉
One common denominator in all five seems to be a basic lack of respect (for our personhood, our feelings and boundaries, or for the personhood, feelings and boundaries of others), any of which (quite understandably) can potentially provoke a strong response from INFJs, who generally place a high value on respecting others, even if we don’t personally agree with them.
Thanks my dear friend! 🙂 I agree, lack of respect can really be a cause a strong response from an INFJ, even though we ourselves respect others so much.
Hey Marko!! Great article.
Even though I’m an INTJ, number 1 for me includes dismissing my crazy ideas as something that won’t work. I often have a focus on effectiveness and efficiency and my ideas do work, and they tend to work very well because they are so counter intuitive and sometimes we have to break the conventional norm and all the rules to push through to the other side to realize the validity of ideas and the positive impact they have on everyday life. Success principles are based on this principle.
I get the feeling sometimes that maybe my thoughts and ideas are too Renaissance for some people and that makes them uncomfortable.
I agree with all the points above, we are more alike then different. 🙂
Thanks James! Thank you for giving an great INTJ perspective on this, and I’m glad that you agree. 🙂
I related to point number 5 last Friday. I am between jobs at the moment and went on a networking workshop to help find jobs, because apparently in our area most of the vacancies aren’t advertised. The lady leading the workshop was advising us, there were 3 of us, about CVs. Apart from work experience she advised us about what to put in our Interests section, to appeal to employers. We all were quiet types and had put things like reading or dog walking. She said employers wouldn’t like that, as it looked like we were antisociable. She said to look good to employers we should put down that our leisure activities involved mixing with people socially. I thought ‘here we go’. Then I told her that I was in fact an introvert and explained the difference between introverts and extroverts and how introverts, quiet people, needed time alone to do quiet activities to recharge their internal batteries. But we had to pretend to be out-going to fit in. The other two ladies agreed with me. I’m not sure the leader understood, as she was a very chatty type. In fact the workshop would have taken half the time if she had just got on with it and not talked at length about her own experiences!
I’m really sorry you experienced this lack of understanding Sue. Some people in corporate business simply don’t understand of just how introverts are priceless, wonderful workers, and how much our personality can benefit every company we work in. But trust me, there are people who value this and I am sure you will find the job you seek. 🙂
I can relate to everything, like trying to multi task me without letting me process things, I get extremely frustrated and then family start saying am being rude when I try to explain myself, and all I can think of is ‘What did I do wrong’.
And I get a lot of miss interpretation by a lot of people around, when I am telling u d truth I am not insulting u, am been honesty because I care.
Glad to hear you can relate Christiana! I know the feeling… You are right, it can trigger overthinking, and like you also said, a lot of misinterpretation because we are honest, and because we care.
Have just found this forum….feel the need to read & digest before participating. One thing I will say in response to many if these comments is; When confronted with the situations outlined above, I do not become angry yet a dark sadness floods my senses brought on by the insensitivity & levels of inhumanity man is capable of. A door slams shut & I am in total retreat mode.
Thank you for making this space available. For infj individuals it might be perceived as a cleansing outlet. Am looking forward to participation.
Glad you found us Marcy! 🙂 Your reaction is understandable, since our personality is human oriented. Yet we can experience that dark feeling about what people are capable of. Door Slam sometimes is the only solution.
You are most welcome! Michaela Chung is the creator, founder, and the heart and soul behind this amazing safe-space you see before you. 🙂
I can relate completely… wish I had this last week Wednesday things probably would’ve went a whole lot differently.
I’m glad to hear that you can relate Btta915. 🙂
Looking back, I guess one of my reasons for disliking going to my church so much and leaving it a few months ago is because I felt like I had been “bullied” into doing certain tasks. I also felt like there was a complete disregard for my thoughts and opinions. I didn’t understand why I felt so much anxiety about being around all of those extroverted people. I felt like they zapped all of my energy. I felt like I was a hostage and wished I could slip out before the end of service. I felt overwhelmed with guilt and loathing for myself because I felt this way at Church of all places.
I’m sorry you experienced these unpleasant moments in your church Marty. I really hope the situation is better now.
Definitely relatable. I never really understood myself and my reactions to things until I found out about Myers-Briggs and researched it. Knowing that I’m an INFJ has helped me a lot because there’s explanations for my feelings/reactions/etc. and I can make more sense of how my mind works. Thanks for the insightful post! Very helpful!
Glad you can relate Julia. 🙂 That’s wonderful to hear that your INFJ discovery helped and explained so much to you. You are most welcome, thank you for your kind words! 🙂
For me it always annoys me when people pretend to listen, I have a friend who constantly misquoting me say things I have never said starting the sentence of with things like “I agree with what you said about…” or I understand how you are feeling on…” then says something completely different. If I am taking time to talk please pay attention.
Thanks for sharing your insight on this, Anthony! Indeed, it’s really unpleasant when people pretend to listen. Like you said, people only need to listen, response is not obligatory, but that attention really means a lot.
All five points resonate with me especially the need to think before making a decision. My two additional pet peeves are 1) attending a meeting with no agenda provided in advance. My contribution to the conversation is usually after the fact by email once I have had some time to consider what was discussed. 2) Having to claw my way into a conversation when there is no natural break in the discussion because I don’t want to be rude by interrupting another person’s thought.
Hi Tiffany, I’m glad to hear the points resonate with you. 🙂 Thanks for sharing yours, they are spot on and so true!
Marko are you from serbia?
Hi cameli! Yes I am. 🙂
For me this so true that even the order of annoyance is spot on. In particular the way you relate each to our type’s thought process, which is what really makes the info useful (and reassuring). For instance many people dislike their feelings/opinions being rejected, but the word “dismissed” really hits home for an infj because we are trying so hard to balance being gentle / considerate of others with being insightful. An intj opinion on the other hand is rarely “dismissed” in my experience. Consciously remembering to maintain calmness in the moment I agree is incredibly important for us. But I also feel that maintaining calm when things are going WELL is an equally good habit to consider, as outlets for our deep analysis can be abused (largely due the excitement of actually having one) and so I know I end up overwhelming others because I’ve been looking at (or overthinking) situations from many angles. I find being calm really helps me be more direct / concise which is more favourably received. Also I get increased satisfaction because it’s like I’m doing a “training exercise” to prepare for the bad times. And I find that my points are also much better received by even a welcoming audience (often just one). I hope that makes sense / is helpful. On a side note the “quality over quantity” put a smile on my face – I was just talking about this today at work. Marc 🙂
I’m glad to hear the article resonated with you, marcivic. 🙂 Also, thank you so much for your kind words, and for sharing your thoughts and insights!
I really enjoy your articles! They are truly spot on! Some of my major pet peeves are arrogance and bullying. I have had to make the tough decision to ‘door slam’ two long time friends because of recurring and emotionally draining episodes with these. I have to say though life is much rosier when you have great, non-toxic relationships!
Thank you so much, DianaSprji! I’m glad you like my articles. 🙂 And thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. Sorry you had to go through these events, but you are right, life is so much better without toxic relationships.
As you know, we don’t regularly speak up in a crowd – and in my job, we have a lot of ‘on-line’ meetings (where we call into a bridge). Something that annoys me to no end is if someone else on the bridge ‘mutes’ me – either because they perceive I’m breathing into the phone, they can hear my dog in the background, or the connection is humming. The reasoning seems sound to them. But to me, it feels like someone cutting off what little voice I DO have. I feel demeaned and dismissed.
I hear you Roxanne, that kind of interruption can really be annoying for an INFJ. We don’t talk much, so we just want to be given a chance to be heard clearly.