For many introverts, the idea of being in a serious relationship stirs feelings of mild anxiety. For others – pure terror.
Since introverts need alone time like we need air – or wifi – the thought of “two becoming one” tickles our gag reflex more than we’d like to admit.
I thought I was the only one who felt this way about relationships. Once I began doing one-on-one coaching sessions with introverts I discovered I’m not alone in my sentiments. Several of my introverted clients and students admitted that they didn’t want to be in a relationship again. Like, ever.
After doing a little digging, I noticed that most of them didn’t want to spend the rest of their lives alone. It’s just that they didn’t want to be in a traditional relationship either.
They wanted the love, trust and companionship of a committed relationship, but they also wanted the freedom and ample elbow room that being unattached provides. In other words, they wanted to be “single together” with that special someone.
Apparently, there are plenty of others who feel this way. Isabelle Tessier’s article, “I Want To Be Single — But With You” made several rounds of the social media circuit. In the article, which was featured in The Huffington Post, Tessier writes:
“I don’t always want to be invited for your evenings out and I don’t always want to invite you to mine. Then I can tell you about it and hear you tell me about yours the next day … I want to live a single life with you. For our couple life, would be the equivalent of our single lives today, but together.”
The ideal relationship Tessier describes sometimes sounds like the honeymoon period (first three months) of a typical relationship. In one steamy part of the article, Tessier writes:
“I want us to be with our friends, for you to take me by the hand and take me to another room because you cannot take it anymore and you feel like right there you have to make love to me. I want to try to stay silent because there are ears that could hear us.”
Many introverts would cringe at the thought of going to a party and then having sex in one of the spare rooms. Yes, parties are that offensive to us. My ideal “single together” relationship would look more like this:
I want to be single together.
I want to sit in tandem silence and know without a shadow of a doubt that it is NOT awkward. I want to walk, and read, and dream together, building worlds without words.
I want to know that needing space is okay. That we will return to each other better than when we left. I want to see our separation as a time of rejuvenation rather than a sign of trouble.
I want everything to be a joke, or a deep soulful exploration. Nothing in between. I don’t want to waste words on explaining why I am the way I am. I want to tell you secrets with my eyes, my smile, my touch.
I want to go on separate vacations sometimes because this will help our souls to expand. When we come back together, I want to share stories from my adventures with you.
I want to take myself out on dates, not because you won’t do it, but because I genuinely like my own company. No one knows how to sweep me off my feet better than I do.
If we move in together, I want to have one room that is all my own, a space where I can stretch out and create, or curl up and incubate. Some things aren’t meant to be shared.
I want to be able to recharge when I’m with you. To know that I don’t have to always be “on” in your presence. It’s enough for us both to just be.
I want to be alone in the same room as you.
I want to find solitude in your presence.
I want us to be single together.