Dear INFJ friend,
You’ll probably relate to this. As an INFJ, you most likely already know that we are magnets for narcissist personalities. What troubles us the most is the feeling of guilt INFJs feel when we start thinking it’s our fault.
We are our own worst critics, especially when we face external pressure. I had my share of relationships with narcissists and I always felt like it was all my fault. I felt worthless and lonely. So I had to ask myself…
Why narcissist personalities prey on INFJs
INFJs are called protectors. However, that protection can go against our own better judgement. Because we want to indulge and “fix” our partner or friend who is a narcissist, we unconsciously sabotage our own feelings. Desperately wanting to give love, INFJs start losing the one thing we need the most — self-love.
According to Deborah Ward, the author of “Overcoming Low Self-Esteem with Mindfulness”, it’s important to remember that it’s not your love narcissist personalities need. It’s their own. Ward adds:
“You will never be able to ‘fix’ anyone. Everyone has their own path to follow and to become a whole and healthy person, everyone needs to walk that path on their own, making their own mistakes, learning to pick themselves up, and discovering how to love themselves.”
Narcissists will only see their own image reflected when they look at you. They will never see who you really are. It’s pointless to try to give love to a narcissist. They will never be satisfied, or grateful.
What you need to do is give that love to yourself, because you deserve it. Your road is not bound to someone who will stop you from fulfilling your full INFJ potential. I should know…
It’s not your fault
There was a time when I was in a toxic relationship with a hardcore narcissist. There was no us in that relationship, only her. I was at a point where I nearly repeated a year in college because I could not concentrate due to the feeling of guilt. I couldn’t convince myself that I hadn’t done anything wrong.
If you’re in a similar situation, try to convince yourself that there was nothing you did or said that brought you into a relationship with a narcissist, it just happened. The main goal of narcissist personalities is to make you feel guilty and less worthy.
Concentrate on what you can do to safely get out of this relationship and to recognize your true, wonderful value. Luckily, there are several effective ways to do this.
5 safe ways to leave a relationship with a narcissist
1. Accept where you are.
This doesn’t mean that you have to make peace with the current situation. You are only accepting it so that you can find a solution faster and more efficiently. When you accept where you are, you are ready to act and allow yourself to focus on what you can do to change it.
2. Acknowledge your worth.
Remember, the primary goal of narcissist personalities is to make you feel less worthy than you actually are. Don’t allow this. You know in your heart who you are, you know the strength of your kindness, understanding, and empathy. Never allow anyone to convince you that your amazing INFJ traits are weird or not normal.
3. Decide you deserve much more.
Your gentle INFJ personality is not meant to be with someone who will not give you the feedback you deserve. Your heart needs the same love and care that you so selflessly give. In order to flourish, INFJs need to be encouraged, not humiliated. Decide to leave anything and anyone that makes you feel bad and as if you don’t deserve more.
4. End the guilt cycle.
You are not responsible for everyone, my fellow INFJ. Narcissists will use your caring nature against you. They know that you will almost always blame yourself. Don’t be hard on yourself in moments like this, especially when guilt tries to grab a hold over you. It’s then when you must shake off the bond and say no.
5. Remember your accomplishments.
Your greatest INFJ gift of self-preservation comes from reminding yourself what you accomplished. When a narcissist tries to humiliate and discourage you, remind yourself what you’ve been through. Let your hardship give you the strength to change where you are and direct you to where you want to be.
It’s your birthright to be loved and appreciated by someone who will fully cherish and accept you, just the way you are.
You deserve to be loved
As INFJs, we always thought there was something wrong with us. We believed that we don’t deserve to be loved. We secretly sabotaged our chances of having a loving partner or friend, because we were convinced that we are not good enough. Please don’t blame yourself.
This self-shame comes as a result of external pressure. The truth is, you are so much more than meets the eye. Don’t allow anyone to turn off your internal spark. Your worth is not determined by someone’s inability to see it. It comes deep from within. Even if someone else doesn’t see it, that’s okay. You must see it for yourself and that’s all that matters.
INFJs attract narcissist personalities because of that pure goodness, kindness, love, understanding, and appreciation that shines from us. It reminds them of what they simply don’t have. That’s why they are drawn to us.
Your INFJ light leads the way, but it’s you who decides with whom you will share that spark. Choose to share it to someone who will embrace you completely, just as you are. You deserve to be loved.
What about you?
Have you ever been in a relationship or a friendship with a narcissist? How did you got out of it? Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, I would love to know how you handled this highly unpleasant situation.
The topic of INFJs attracting narcissist personalities comes up a lot on our free private INFJ Forum. Want to join the discussion?
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